Amanda Karter
Jun 23, 2010

tumbling through darkness
or is it brightness so bright I am blind?
where is it, this place
so dark, so empty
devoid of feeling
devoid of thoughts
searching, looking for what?
what is this place,
so dark, so empty
devoid of emotion I stumble on
not knowing what I am looking for,
searching for.

a hand!
is it a helping hand?
a hand to lead me up?
or is it the hand of someone who wants to hurt?
to lead me deeper into this place without hope?
the hand is warm,
it holds on with a strength I do not possess,
surely it is a hand of one who wants to help.
I hope...
steadily, it leads me on
which way do we go?
is it up or is it down that we go?
is that a light?
a beacon?
or is it the end?
tumbling again,
the darkness swirls
around, all around.
it must be the end
or is it a beginning?

is it an end,
a finality I want?
or is it an end that will be worse
worse than this place
this place without emotion
without light.
or is this place so bright
so bright that I am blind?
or is the end,
an end a place of joy
of feeling
of thought?

or is it the beginning I want?
a new start?
a fresh start?
but would that beginning
bring hope?
bring despair?
maybe it is better,
better to stay
devoid of feeling
devoid of thought.

But that cannot be
for whether it be an end
or whether it be a beginning
it is coming.
and swiftly.
there is no choice,
no time to choose.
it comes.

Will it be a beginning?
an end?
will it be unpleasant?
will it be gratifying?
The beacon draws closer,
there is no time left to wonder.
It comes,
and I am not ready yet.

Amanda Karter
Jun 23, 2010

Wanting to let go
to move forward
forgetting the past
meeting the future.

Why can't I give it up?
Am I addicted to the pain?
Drawn like a moth to a candle?
Forever destined to hurt?

Wanting to reach out
ask for help
but who would understand?

The candle offers hope
a chance
   at love?
   at life?

It also burns,
hurting so much...
Is it my own fault?
Should I have stayed away?
Why does it have to hurt?

How much pain will there be
when will enough be enough?
Will blood need to be shed
to see the light?

Wanting to walk away
to give up
to quit.
But the flame still beckons..

Amanda Karter
Jun 23, 2010

Tracing lightly,
   as if drawing on sand
   leaving only a slight indentation
Pushing harder
   leaving a line behind
Hearing the words
   "I hate you"
    over and over
    trying to scratch out the pain
Pressing harder,
    feeling the pain of those words
    gently acknowledging
Looking down,
    seeing the angry line
Why doesn't it help?

Amanda Karter
Jun 23, 2010

The thunder roars above,
water crashes on me,
nothing cleanses
I am broken.

I gave you everything.
My heart, my trust
anything you asked for,
everything you wanted.

Why wasn't that enough?
Stealing sweet kisses was inadequate?
You had to take the one thing
The single thing I placed out of bounds.
What I wasn't ready to give.

When "if you love me" pleas didn't work,
didn't get you what you sought,
you stole what wasn't yours to take.
It was a robbery of more than just innocence.
It was more than that.

I believed you loved me,
you said it wasn't betrayal because you loved me
because I love you.
I believed you.
But why do I feel empty now?

If that was love,
why would anyone want it?
Want to experience that pain?
If that was love,
what is the point of life?

The thunder roars above,
water crashes on me,
nothing cleanses
I am broken.

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