i take my mood stabilizer with my 3 pm coffee and ask her, politely, to be quiet for the remainder of the day. usually, she does not listen. i hear the pester of hums while i am trying to tie my shoelaces, or while i am trying to wash the sleep out of my hair, or while i am trying to listen to my voicemails. i feel a tap on my shoulder that caresses me in a way that tells me i need to run. i hide beneath the covers. i feel the twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. if i cannot see her, she cannot see me. i send her up in smoke, i hug myself soundly so that my heartbeat doesn't fall out of my skin. she makes her way into my conversations. she threatens the way my lips part when i kiss. she pries my fingers from his and sends me to my room without dinner. i wake up in a cold sweat and reach for the growing empty space beside me. i am desperate. she tells me i am playing make-believe with my worry. i am desperate. i take my mood stabilizer with my 4 pm coffee and ask her, politely, to be quiet and she does not listen and she does not listen and she does not listen

roses are red
night is dark
writing this poem
hurts my heart

shaky sobs
like violets, i'm blue
i'm wondering
why i ever loved you

i. the curly, green-haired
leo with the cry-baby tattoo
on her left calf; fish net stockings and
loud guitar playing and
menthol cigarettes. driving through
the park at 9 pm, ***** shots,
the white house with the a-frame roof,
hugs that made your heart feel as warm
as she did

crying as i left my room again to be
intertwined with a girl who did not love me, but i wanted to;
months pass, lonely car rides with
one-sided conversations and
seven years gone,
quiet disconnection
that made you feel as cold
as i did

ii. brown eyes, brown skin,
round glasses and chicago streetlights.
holding each other close on the subway
lakehouse parties in the beginning of spring and
pisces season and tarot readings and
soft kisses on the train.
holding hands at the aquarium,
sweet poetry and calm and
a sense of oneness that made you feel
important

hurt for the third time
a panic, a loss
i held their heart in my hands and
let it fall
harsh
unimportant
i still carry the guilt on my fingertips

iii. short hair. freckled cheeks, i
fell in love with the way the skin
crinkled around her eyes when she smiled.
an apartment, a home built
around our lips touching
wrapped in blankets on the couch,
dense smoke and her hand on my leg while she
drove. chinese food and
waking up against her chest and
laughing so hard
my ribs hurt

crashing. her anger withering away my
heartstrings; pain and
crying alone in the bathtub
moving away
drunk tears on the interstate
punching my thighs
in place of the way her
words made
me hurt

my shoes are caked
with brown mud and
my arms have new burns.
getting high alone in the woods
is fine until the paranoia sets is
and the trees i love on lsd
become my hated enemies.
i find a book of matches on
the ground, twenty minutes
after my lighter died.
they are wet and do not light.
the cigarette between my lips
dangles there, before falling
into the mud i trudge through.
i use my own name in vain
and try to pretend that
losing my lucky isn’t unlucky.

you will drown, you will drown
you will drown
and i only like you for the taste
of blood in my mouth

you will drown me, you will drown me
you will drown me
and she sees it, too
the way you **** me under your skin

oh, darling, you're gonna burn
i'm already burning;
i think it's time you joined me,
searing sunlight smiles sparkling, laced

with plasma, ichor,
these white teeth take a bite
and i remember you're mortal
for the copper tang on my tongue

i only like you for the taste of blood in my mouth
i only like you for the taste of blood in my mouth
i only like you for the taste of...
there is no taste to describe the feeling of falling in love

i wish i could lie to myself better,
maybe it'd make me more convincing
when you tell me you love me
and i say i don't love you at all

I am the eclectic witch
There are no gods to tell me how to live
But the wind howls my fate
Where the rain falls I will dance
Because I prefer sandalwood to perfume
I am the eclectic witch I have no coven
Only the flora and fauna
And the tip of a blade
Where grass grows I will prance
Because I prefer metaphysics to religion

Folder:  The Art of Breaking
Feathers  of thought floating down to the gravity of reality
Finite ends drawn out so delicately, slowly and wholly.
Something so light, weighted so heavily
Beauty wrapped in barbs of wire and ire
Pained senses and armed defenses
You were so innocent then
Before the burning fire of desire
When life came at a pace,
Bursting with color in all directions!
when every which way led to adventure;
a life dancing among the clouds.
touching the sky,
tipping the stars,
huddled safely in the moon's sling
Before the crack of truth rang out the liar you still admire .

wrap your thorns warm,
and tightly packed
The time has long passed for love to fade away
fall, drift, settle into oblivion...



First draft:
feathers  of thought floating down to the gravity of reality
finite ends drawn out so delicately, slowly and wholly.
something so light weighted so heavily with pained senses, armed defenses
beauty wrapped in barbs of wire and ire
You were so innocent then Before the burning fire of desire
when life came at a pace bursting with color in all directions
When every way led to adventure
a life dancing among the clouds
touching the sky, tipping the stars
huddled safely in the moon's sling
Before the crack of truth rang out the liar you still admire
wrap your thorns warm and tightly packed
The time has long passed  for love to fall away
fall, drift, settle into oblivion