I can't help but fantasize, daydream, lose myself in my imagination...
I love it but I hate it.
They only beckon to thoughts of you.
My feelings are everywhere.
I feel you vibrating through me.
My senses are on fire and thinking of you only makes them higher.
My soul, my energy, my mind...
It's all on you.
A distraction that I want, a distraction that I am immensely contradicted by.
My dreams are a whole other world that I escape myself into.
Down the rabbit hole I go, but I like it, and I won't deny it.
Hallucinating on these illusions that are my reality, only to awake to face these suffocating terrors called life.
With my feelings on fire, guess I'm a bad liar.
You're on my mind, and I'm trying not to think about you.
Baby, I miss you.

My thoughts are dazed…
Claustrophobic and hazed.
I’m exhausted and unamazed,
Fatigueness of some kind, low from the natural high.
Thoughts in my mind are delusive and unkind.
Dizzy and feeling quite fizzy
Not in the mood for studying, excitement, and fun.
Sitting by my lonesome self just writing what I can process.
Head feels heavy, got me feeling a bit queasy
Uneasy
Zoned out and lost in my thoughts
Sun is out and the wind is harsh…
It’s skin prickling and dissatisfying.
My exhaustion is sickening.
Absolute death and no reason
No fret
But anguished in my enclosed mind
But no threat…

System overkill
Discredit and disregard
Explain but disagree and make it hard
Exhalation and permutation
Loss of existence and clouded perception

Obsessive minds and sniffed up lines
Excessive amounts and numbers you cannot even count.
Broken, ripped, torn, and outwardly worn.
A lost ghoul, selfish, and for more you mourn.
Poor and dead, not yourself, completely blacked out and unconscious in bed.

Overdosed on the ******’ pills, suicide attempts never work…
Let the meds pour…
Gone, so gone…
Just let the meds pour...

May it only be a dream... composed in one.
Nightmares shaking inside me.
I drown myself so deep, where the water begins to reap.
I love to hold you, to feel you, but who are you?
Where are you?
Why aren’t you here with me?
Why so distant?
Why haven’t I met you?

You don’t exist.

My imagination.
Stringing myself in my realms of pure intensity.
An ocean on fire ...
A war with no winning ...
A person with no belonging ...
A rage with no fist ...

Suppressed, inner rage, inner love, inner hate, inner sadnesses, inner longing, inner numbness, inner cold, inner emptiness.
Inner distractions....

I face them all at once.
Inner wisdom...
An old soul living in a fake world.
Take me out of here.

Lost
Lonely
Angry
Bored
Depressed
Not myself
Deprecated
Longing for love
Caved in
Scared
Exhausted
Frustrated
Anxious
Paranoid
Confused

Chained….
Get me away from her.
I need a break.
This woman doesn’t even know the least.
Cover up my mouth before I say it, mother.
I need to be away from you.
Your energy drains mine.
Your character disgusts me.
I don’t like you.
I never did.
I need to be free.
I want to be free.
Family should leave me.
I want to be free.
I need my own way.
My own light, not your burdens.
How intolerable is tolerance, apparently not enough

As the full moon uncovers, I rise from my slumber.
The dark sky portrays...
I have awaken within
The dead has risen.
The witches hour hits it's peak.
Goths come alive and demons stalk the empty streets.
Ghosts wonder the dark valleys and haunt the ones that cannot see.
Possess
The dark has no rest.
Hell opens up, the fire begins to leak.
Cracked open roads and monsterous screams...
The souls that cannot speak, search for bodies, as its life that they seek.
Haunting you, pulling you, holding you down
The dead come alive...
Celebrate the tribe
Friday the 13th, a traditional day for the dark, dead and lonely.
Haunt the alive in their misery, and take the souls as they escape.
Creep...
Dark nights and twisted minds
Who knows what the dead will find

The odds are against me.
I have lost.
Depression and in anguished pain that I cannot even get myself out of.
Obsessively fixated on you.
My mind is chaos.
I have a headache from all the thinking.
On my phone all day.
No will, motivation or strive to do anything.
Exhausted, fatigue.
Blown out.
Sick of the crying.
The crying makes my head sore.
I can't seem to escape the misery.
No one to talk to.
No one to tell how I feel.
I feel alone.
Driven by pain.
Can't get my thoughts away from you.
I miss you.
I hate the fact that I had to ghost you, kinda cut you off.
I want you, I love you, I need you, I crave you, I wish I could have you.
I have hit the rock bottom way down.
I hate my life.
I hate you.
I am angry, completely ******* at you.
Yet, I miss you.
Why did you do this!!?????

Why????!!!!

I miss you.
I wish I had you.
I hate this distance between us.

Try to put me down
Try to tell me how to live my life
Tell me I cannot do it
Tell me all the things I cannot achieve
Tell me I am not worthy
Tell me I am easy

Watch me break, soar, fly, scream
Watch me dream, watch me chase, watch me rise

I'm a born fighter, a warrior, one thing I will never do is back down
Project all those insecurities onto me
Watch me project my confidence onto the world
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly
Prosperity at my feet, and it is MINE to keep

Listen up, don't let those who are limited by their own systems box you
Don't let those who don't feel worthy make you feel unworthy
Live your life like it was never a life to live
Make it happen and be the warrior you are
Fight for love, for justice, spread the truth, make others see what you see
Change your perspective and explore your mind
BE A CHAMPION
LIVE YOUR **** TRUTH!
AND LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT

Alone, lost.
Forbidden.
Trapped in financial constraints.
Stuck in bed.
No hope left.
Don't really care anymore.
Bored, drained, flat out.
Done.
I'm going to be alone forever.
This is what I get for being a good person.
Cutting everyone I can't trust off.
There's no one left.
I'm left here to rot.
Ridiculed.
I want to die

I realized, I can't live without you.
What has it come to.
I feel straddled, scared, not secure.
Up and down, tumbled like a roller-coaster.
Bipolar complexities and nuclear power.
Brains at an over load.
Overthinking , over-analyzing obsessive thoughts of you.
It's annoying, draining, completely mentally exhausting.
I am drawn out, fatigue, over blown.
Overstimulated.

I want you out of my head.
Leave.
Escape my thoughts so I can be at peace.

Split personalities playing mind games again.
The heart of an angel, mind of a joker, the soul of a devil.
Which is which?
Are they all replicas of me?
Versions of me, the worst.
It's black and its white.
Which side wants to be seen today?

Pick one

Can I get a love so pure it synthesizes my whole being.
Untouched, unacquainted, real, syncopated.
Loneliness quivers, shaking with a merciless misery.
Alone in my secrecy.
Dare not come near me.
Love, seems anguished by my own monumental desires.
To feel something so pure….
It is rare.
I want it with him.
To whom I want to spend my whole life with.
Deep rooted passions imploding in tears.
Ridding myself, hiding in my fears.
My insides are painfully restricted, my eyes are tired.
My heart has melted.
I am broken.

My eyes are forever ruined. I see too much, and what I see melts every gold and silver I have embedded in me.
I seem to know too much, but never too much to expand beyond limitations.
Limitations of what the mind can see.
I suffer, a heart of pure diamond, moulded into what others have made me.

I see intentions, crowds of people, lies, pain, truth...
But this gift means nothing to me anymore.
The healing I carry with myself.
I am not heard and listened to.
I feel misunderstood.

What can you do when you have it all?
But something is missing...
I’m smart, intelligent and driven.
Back at school as an adult to complete something important to push myself for further opportunities.
I push myself too hard and suffer defeat when I face failure.

Failure is my only fear.
It’s scary... knowing that without self discipline, where am I to be?

Please stop loving me, I am too sensitive.
Evil, personified.
I am torn, disappointed, disgusted...

Love serves me no purpose anymore.
Buried so deep inside of me is longing and confusion.
Wanting what I can no longer have.
I push away those who do

Too picky?
Too cold, detached from it all.

I want you, only you.
I still think about you.

But I may be wrong, for I have wronged myself into thinking that I will ever see you again.

Yolan.

Broken imagery....
I was so wrong
Darling clairvoyant, please stop ruining me

This is the end.
I lost it with her.
I hate her with all my exploding guts and being near her or in her life is not an option.
I don’t have a job, I’ve been looking everywhere, yet, nothing.
I am living like a homeless person in the back garden, doors locked, even our dog is shut out.
Im bathing using a tap, and starving with my last bit of money I have left.
No one to help, family can’t do anything, no friends around, nowhere to go and nowhere to stay.
Im stuck here.
**** my mom.
I’ve had enough of her.
I want nothing to do with her.
Barely surviving, pushing myself everyday.
When will my break come?
When will it be my time?
When can I be free?

Operating from another world
Cascaded into psychedelic dreams
Lost in a floating cloud
Robotic
A creature in disguise
I am not human
I am not human
I am a soul
But I am not human
He pulled me in with despair
I feel him
I follow my own path
I am my own being
An outcast
A demon

I want to be that other girl

I woke up, in hospital, the visions and dreams I had were scary.
Some were real, some were not.
I thought the dream of actually being in hospital was a nightmare.
Then I realized, the suicide attempt didn't work.
I vomited everything out, but some of it is still in my system, making me very drowsy, this isn't a poem, it's a confession.
I attempted to **** myself, but it wasn't the right time.
I have faint memories of what happened.
Most of them were scary as I was drugged on the medication, seeing delusions that weren't real.
I won't do it again, I learnt my lesson.
My mom brought me home, to keep an eye on me and give me direction, I'm doing well, yet, still very drowsy and nauseous.
She flew all the way down to see me in hospital, I was in ICU for 3 days.
I almost died, if I closed my eyes before the ambulance came, I would've.
That was the point, but, it was all an illusion.
Never overdose on your prescribed bipolar meds.
Never overdose on anything.
...
Never attempt suicide

<You're not *****, you're hungry
and the flesh you taste is not the one you choose

It's a darkness and a light
A salve and an open wound
Bodies mix and twist

You don't want to be ******
You want to be satiated

And if your sheets could talk, darling
They tell of the loneliest *******

Paint yourself blue and bleed out
Sensual sins succulent like honey
Licked lips waiting for more

Darling there's never enough

>If sheets could talk, they would whisper sins.
Your voice of calm magnetic enigma, yet, your body screams for more.
You pull me, twist me, wrap around me, riding me.

Lonliest ******* of a saint waiting to be loved.
Instead, ******* the wrong, and bleeding with pain.

Love me, she says. Hurt me, she says. choke me.
Sensual, and so seductive. You pull me in.
Daddy... She screams

There's never enough, she just wants more, she pleads with a hungry heart, because he can't love her like she wants him to, so sin, succulent like honey, is what she needs to choose.

I love it when you take control, I love it when you re-own me.
I love it when you squeeze my gut, I love it when you re-establish me.
So you're a bad guy?
Think again...
Dominate you until your juices explodes.
I'm your savage, a perfect mystery.
A weapon, a long lost slavery.
Misguide your imperfections and make you tell me again,
Who's the bad guy?
**** with your mind and turn the page, write a new script and flip a new chapter...
But you like it really rough, hmm, tough guy.
Let's go again, I'm your bad guy, you're my *****, think again...
I just make you think you're my daddy, and you think I'm your *****, it's called the master of trickery.
But it's the other way around, That's how good I am, at being the bad guy.
But you still wanna **** with me, you love it, **** with you like you ****** with me the other night.
But that's the thing about my duality, she likes it really rough, she's tough, she plays games and always wins.
You lose, tough guy.
I'm the bad guy, hmm...
DUH
...

Twisting and turning, clenching and frowning, time ticking, head tenses and exhaustion still remains, as insomnia is the monster that causes such energetic drains.
My mind continues thinking, senseless and strange actions and motives,
I sit up and sigh, as I cannot sleep... and during the day, my exhaustion piles up in heaps.
Grab a snack in the kitchen and watch the television, this all won't help as early rising has to occur for the busy day ahead, but I still sit here in thought progression.
The last 3 days the monster attacked, ******* out my sleep and keeping me awake and sleep lacked.
I stare at the computer screen whilst typing out black letters that rhyme, boredom strikes as I look down on the screen and see the time.
01:22 The next day has begun and all I hear are dogs barking and howling, I am irritated and annoyed, as I also hear them growling.
All I want to do is sleep and dream, but the monster is insane and steals all the sleep chemicals the brain produced, and now it has gained.
Insomnia is the worst, I don't know what to do, insomnia is my curse.

In this coffin I lay, eyes shut and mouth open wide.
Strangled to death, but alive.
Barely making it, but taking the stride.

Why hide?
She walks with so much confidence
She's so beautiful
She's so inspirational
WOW, I wish I had that much confidence'
You not like other woman
How is she so fearless?

My past is dark, my body is bruised, my skin is scarred, and my blood still leaks.
Taking me years to get to this stage of self love, I've been through battles, days where I thought I was about to die.
Days where I thought nothing could help, punched in the face and defeated to ash, sleepless nights and robbed of all dignity, and days where I only slept and drained myself.
My battle wounds are still visible, I live for the fight and I will die fighting, never back down.
A black panther walks with grace, handles with strategy, and fights with integrity, still holding it's head **** high, a beautiful creature, they say.
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly, without even trying.
The animal kingdom has a new King, and it's me, the alpha female.
I ain't like other woman, I embrace and devour courage, strength, bravery, fearlessness, independence...
Staring death in it's ****** face and ripping that **** mask off and whispering, "who's the coward now, beautiful"
laughing sarcastically, DEATH does not exist, nothing ever really dies, a soul lives for eternity until the journey is accomplished, a champion never gives up, determination and pride, a self encouraged vanity.

So, in this coffin I lay, eyes shut, mouth wide open, strangled to death.
But somehow, through all the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental pain...
(Laughs in sadistic mystery)
I am still alive.

Tell me, if I were to die today, slowly...
What would you do?
If I told you of the constant pain and loneliness I feel inside everyday, quivering in emptiness...
What would you do?

Intrinsic worth; the curse of my hardened shadow.
I am sick, a chronic illness that can't seem to be cured.
Tired, in pain.
I can't move my body, my mind of distorted abyss.
My visions are blank.
Ask what I really want in this cold world...
Someone to love.
Someone to hold.
Someone who understands.
Someone who's told; told a million stories of how they once shattered, and came to life.
Someone to bring me to life.

Intricately designed for me and only me.
A soul and a mind of those dared to explore, only to be pushed down and frightened.
Intrinsic worth, move slow.
Stop me when I am low.
Death is around my corner.
I can't seem to have anything more.
Tears rolling , a deep black ocean of a ghostly void.
Echoes down the narrow walls...
Hopeless screams...
Detachment is all too real.

Save me.
Show me how deep love can be.
Take me there

There I go again, hands to my face, sinking deep, way bottom where ocean-less ties rip you apart.
Lost all meaning, to life, to live.
To love is now madness and hate is my deceit.
I stay pitiful in my thoughtless mind, where my black dreams, leak.
Pour into nothingness.
The emptiness cascades and to the void I become.

They say, look into the mirror, tell yourself good things and be positive.
I stare into my empty soulless eyes...
I see death.
I see darkness.
I see hollow shadows carving my skin.
Under my eyes, is exhaustion.
Faintly fatigue.
Pits of gory sadness staying attached to me.

The depression I live in, the depression I’ve lived in my whole life, it became who I am.
Being unwanted, used, unloved, abused, tormented, rejected, hurt, broken, useless, thrown away, kicked out, misunderstood, defeatless, weak...
IS THE PAIN OF WHO I AM NOW.

I try drowning myself, it feels too difficult, I lift my head out of the water gasping for air.
The medication, the overdoses, all ended up having me in hospital, still alive, unfortunately.

As I was born to die, why do I exist?
I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am dark.
I am useless.
I am alone.

I don’t trust people.
I don’t even trust myself anymore.

To live through hurt and getting broken by someone else is not something I can go through anymore.
I’ve made that choice, to live my whole empty shallow life as a lost loner.

Since everyone leaves, the only person I have is myself, no matter how much I hate her.
She’s a monster, the ****** devil.
I hate her.

When I look into my eyes, I see nothing.

Isolation.
A dark place.
A cramped up room.
Empty pieces of sanity lying all over.
The walls, pale and thick.
The ache, heartless and as heavy as a brick.
Lying awake, eyes wide open, electrocuted in agony.
Senseless are my nerves, numb is my disposition.
Cold, my body shivers.
My pain concealed.
Left bruised.

Trust no one.
She said, voice grasp and low.

Elongated, fragmented, withered up in a lifeless skeleton.
Bones, shattered, cracked and hardly repairable.

In the darkness I call your name, I see no one, not a sound heard.
Headphones on, diluting and blocking all the extra background noise.
I wish...
But no one answers

Silence
Sweating but freezing, hot but cold.
Ice on fire.
My nightmares, to unfold.

It all reminds me, the **** that I've been through, the **** that I've seen. The people I have dealt with, and the memories that are daunting upon me.

Was it really all worth the pain?

To live in a world that is so fake, to be surrounded by insecure clones all trying to be each other. It's petty and so below me.

I prefer to alienate from it all. I prefer to be so detached from the external that is doesn't even bother me.

I grow resentful, a disturbing anger and hatred.
Bitter, grotesque, obsolescence is no more.

What do you want from me?
Why arn't you scared of me?
Why don't you care for me?
Do you fear me because I'm alone?
Slip, cut yourself on the glass and swim in your drowning blood.
It's a dark place, it's vivid, the ghosts are deadly.
Cut your tongue, you can't talk, you won't be heard.
Voices are whispers, silent.
Wonder, stay fearful.
Come, enter my dark acidic wonderland and die with me.
Eat tongues as the whisper echoes in the dark.
Freeze, don't say anyhing, just watch me.
Watch me move.
(Scream)
Horrifying, I die in placid stillness and my yell for help cannot be heard.
It's mortifying, help me.
But I love playing these games, until my heart, bleeds.
Cut me, lick my blood, watch the rabbits head twist off as he loses his race against time.
Nothing is going to save you now.
You are dead.
I wanna end me.
**** me in the dark.
The ghosts come in my dreams and pull me, they want me.
The only energies that want me, not wanted by humans, not wanted by anyone.
Nobody likes me.
**** me in the dark.
...
End me

I wish I had someone.
I wish I had you.
I wish I had love.
I wish I had someone who embraced and understood my darkness.
I wish I had someone who saw through it.
I wish I had someone who really cared.
I wish I had someone who wanted to be there.
I wish I had a soul who connects with me spiritually and wants me for more than what I seem.
I wish I had fire in the wind.
I wish I had a voice to speak to.
I wish I had a face that guided me.
I wish I had that person that uplifted me.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I was not alone.
I wish I had my partner in crime.
I wish I had my ride, and my die.
I wish I had you.
This is way over due.

I hate this learnership.
I hate being here.
I am drained, unhappy, dissatisfied, and not at ease.

I am underpaid, and not where I need to be.
They don't even let us drink their coffee.
I come here wanting to go back home.
My actual career is taking off, but I haven't started getting an income from my career, as its still in its beginning phases.

This still brings me an income, and I get a qualification out of it.

Those are the only positives, there's a steady income coming in every month.
I have backup with a learnership.
But, I am not happy.
I hate it here, I wish I could work from home.
I want to go home, I don't want to be here.
I actually want to cry.
I am completely exhausted.

And just like that, as quick as the fire burns, it burns out.
I'm already over it.
You no longer consume me, or burden my thoughts.
I am free.
No one on my mind.
It only took a few days and I'm completely over it.
I feel indifferent, no emotions or validation towards it.
Focusing on myself, my health, my money, my body.
Self love and value at its finest.
Whos knows if we will ever speak again.
Honestly, I don't care.
I'm just living my life.

I have yet so much to be accountable for.
Paradoxes and juxtaposition's that hold me in consequences of my own.
Battles that I face within my own disregard.
Doubts, fears, consuming me. Changes that I want but changes that leave me in anticipation.
Impatience, stagnation, not know how to go foward.
It's you that I want, you the only person I have on my mind.
Obsessively not being able to detach myself from your energy.
Obsessive thoughts...
Dreams that leave me in agony.
Is it you that I am supposed to be with?
Or am I insane?
Corrupted by my own mental analyzations.
Thinking about every scenario like a lost cause.
I don't want you on my mind and I forcefully try to get rid of you.
But juxtaposed, maybe I secretly love fantasizing about you.
It brings me a sense of peace...
But creates more agony that I cannot escape from.
Like my legs are glued to the ground and I am waiting in deadly anticipation for nothing.
Even though waiting is not what I wanted to do in the first place.
Trying to move on from the thought of you, but the thoughts of you are so passionate and brings me a sinful joy only I can imagine.
Delusional, It is YOU that I want, only YOU.
But is it you that I am actually supposed to be with?
Contradicted by own addictions.
Addicted to contradictions.
Paradoxid thoughts, ups and downs that I myself cannot seem to fight down a tunnel of a rollercoaster loop.
Over-analyze and fantasize, stop my mind.

It drives me insane
#love #sin #dreams #fantasy #over #thinking

You ask, what I really want in life?
You ask, would I fail without your manipulative support?
You ask, why am I always alone and never around people.

My multi-adaptive perplexed nature has me cloning others and absorbing energies that are not my own.
Unintentional, I try to keep a distance.
Yet, before I know it, I'm already drained to my fullest capacity.
An introverted social butterfly that craves solitude, comfort, intellectual and spiritual stimulation.
Maybe a knowledgeable conversation on the gravitational force of space and the entire universe reaching its end in a over a trillion years to come.
Maybe a deep topic on emotions and music and how different musicians came to having their own unique sound.
The flow of dust particles and dark matter in the silence of sound and time itself.
The poets and artists whom speak for themselves.
The depth that no one cares to understand or know.
The darkness that scares everyone.
I want to cry, express this dread and exhaustion that I am feeling.
An empath, logical and sensible.
Introversion and a mind of wild intellect and diversity in many things, formulas, and theories of my own.
Why do we dream to die and not dare to explore the places that daunt us?
What are we scared of?
The only person you run away from is yourself.
Face it, and stop rummaging into the facade of others.
Just because most people are afraid of being authentically themselves, why should you?
Be you, enlighten those who are dying to speak their own truth.

Lines and lines, druggy times.
Bleeding nostrils and racing thoughts.
Fast heart beats and feeling distraught.
Alert and awake, thoughts are chasing me in a maze.
I've lost it, I'm back on the powder.

They call me Kat, because my spirit animal is one of a cat like creature, and my drug of choice.
Fierce, sneaky, stealthy, and mischievous.
Kat is my name, one of many different personalities.
Freaky is her demeanor.

Wired and full of energy, mind is coming down, muscle spasms are happening.
I need to sleep, 2 in the morning and I'm writing forbidden thoughts.
Dreams that are nightmares that aren't stopping, I have no hold.

Will it ever stop?
Control before it becomes an addiction.
Hold, or the demons will rain, toxic tears to my waking existence.

I ponder in awareness, deep thinking alert.
My thoughts alive and reached at a higher awareness than before. Every question I asked myself, every intention I grasped from others, I know the answer to.
I can feel it, I always thought I was crazy and I always thought it was all in my head. Then I realized it was just manifestations of physical formalities. I always thought I knew too much, now I realize, I actually don’t know enough. I want to know more. I want to know more because knowledge is power and power is control. If you ask me what I crave the most, it’s control. And the only way I can get control is by learning more and more until I diminish into tiny pieces. I lost a piece a of myself a long time ago, I’ve been alone the past few week since I got kicked out of my old place. I haven’t had many interactions with people and I’ve been alone everyday. I’ve been crying and feeling pain because I feel lonely. Which is not the actual fact, because it’s all just feelings. I’ve cared so much what others think I lost who I really was. So after weeks of isolation, I found who I really am. I lost everyone I loved. And I lost all my friends. People don’t care about me, because caring about me means making time for me and actually being there. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to even try. I always thought I was the burden. I always thought less of myself. For someone who cares so much and loves so deeply, I know I am valuable of more. So the question I ask now, is, WHAT AM I?
Since my human thoughts have manifested answers according to life changes and time for myself. I know I am destined for more. For one to write such amazing poetry an philosophy at the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. It flows out like word ***** and it never stops. For one to be so intense and intuitive it scares the blind ones away. To be so intelligent and mystique, an intuition of pure knowledge and wisdom, I ask, WHAT AM I?
I’ve never felt human, for years. It’s a general thing, everyone is gifted with certain abilities that makes them god-like. A human term “god”. But people block off these abilities because they scared of what the power can do to them. I know what the power can do to me. It’s already killed me inside and I never was scared of it. I died for the pain and I transformed. I rised again and astrology itself isn’t even in its rightful existence to my knowledge. What I know, what I seek to know, is above universal laws. The planets itself. Matter, atoms, molecules, the brain, cells, skin, bones, spirit, soul.... I AM MORE. I ask, what am I? What was I before I was human? How many lives have I lived to have such wisdom. What was I before I was sent to earth to carry my purpose and help people that cannot be helped. My quest was always to find myself, I found her. Now I need to know what I truly am.

Dreaded in agony
Exhausted, mental fatigue
Depressed...
Things hitting a low steep
Inner turmoil and chaotic confusions

Space needed, emotions at a very high peak
Saddened by the thought

What misery
Space, I need to be alone

Leave me be
I'm exhausted

Music is my soul
Fate is my life
Love is my strength
But i fear like a knife

Knowledge in my mind
Prosperity I strive
Inner peace I feel
But still cold as ice

Mean as I am
Superficial I might be
Heartless I may seem
But all my friends still love me

Life is a game
A battle it may seem
Play the cards right
Then you shall see

Born an angel
But die a devil I shall
Live life, learn
Make your own mistakes
Just hope it all ends well

Insanity at its best
But sometimes at its worst
Listen to you instincts
Give your mind a rest

Life is a test
You better study hard
Pass or fail
Just choose the right card

Only thing that really matters in the end
Is your happiness
The worst strengthens your inner core

Rejoice the good times
And don't listen to what em' haters gotta say!

Peace, Love, life, death....Passed the first 3....the last won't be a tragedy.

I don't want to feel it anymore.
I don't want to have it anymore.
I don't want to party anymore.
What happens after the party?
They disappear.
You never see them again.
Use them for a good time, then cut your ties.
The life of the party, drowning in depression.
Some ***** and dance to take the pain away.
Breathing heavy, waiting for the next sip.
The next adventure; Cut
Then I do it all over again.
A routine that I am too used to.
Living for the night time.
The lights, the camera, the action, the vibe.
Enticing to my every being, my enchantress moving like a snake, when the beat hits tempo... I can't stop.
Strikes like a lightning bolt, like a shock through the system.
I become a different person altogether, It's perpetual, formidable, distractingly destructive.
Conceptual and disruptive.
She is me and I am her.
My version of me when I stare into the mirror.
My only best friend, and worst enemy.
When I am her, nothing can stop me.
Push it, sometimes the mirror cracks, but she always comes back.
As long as it's perpetual perspective and paradox keeps haunting, nothing else matters.

I am lonely.
Nobody but me.
My music, books, and youtube videos.
That's all I have.
Nobody to see, they all have plans.
They do not respond to my messages, they do not check up on me like I do with them.
I take it as a sign, I back off, and block them out of my life.
Delete, and cut.
What is the point of having "friends" when you're still left alone each and every day questioning why your existence is even still worth it.
I would be nothing, do nothing, see nothing; Without music.
That's all I have.
This daunting presence of sickening thoughts.
I don't have money....
Nothing.
What can you do in this world if you don't have money.
The only way to see your friends is by having money.
If not, no one is around.
No one will make time for you.
No one will try to come and see you.
No one, but my empty miserable soul.

I have reached the end.
My skin ripped off, my nerves ready to be eaten, my guts being burned.
I feel empty motionless pain recurring.
Intensely overwhelmed, formidable fatigue, exhaustion, constant hollowness lurking around my soul.
EMPTY.
ALONE.
MISERY HAS TAKEN ME TO DARKER DEPTHS THAT I HAVE NEVER LURKED.
Suicidal again.
Nihilism has not even seen my darkest day.
Fake happiness.
Deception to cover up the sacred scars ridden within.
I am horrified.
Reaped of deadly hallows, nothing but sadness, constant pain.
Tears of blood soak my pillow every night 🌙

Waking up with a fake smile so I never frown.
Exploding in volatile anger and screaming until my lungs pop open.
My emotions are raw, open and ready to be at war.
I am not weak, but I am not happy.
I am guarded, protecting myself at all deadly costs.
Anxious, in panic.
In the lair, in my prison.
Locking myself away.
The devils demons living around me.
HATE.
THATS ALL I FEEL.
ENERGY IS DRAINED.

I ****** HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Cut me with my sharpened knife.
Deeply scarred, damaged 💔

I just don't care anymore.
I want it all to end.
Why be forced to live in this prison?
This earth, living as a human.
I hate humans.
I hate having to escape every ****** ****** day just to prevent myself from thinking what I actually feel because its so ****** true and real.

I'm trapped on this earth and I can't get out.
How did Amy winehouse **** herself?
How did they all do it?
I've tried, many times, yet too scared to feel the pain before death.
I want to die.
My lives have been lived.
I have seen enough.
I want out.
Stop torturing me!!!!!!!
Conversations from others that I hear constantly.
They always talking about me.
I don't want to hear it.
I want to be left alone.
I don't like the people here.
I feel ****** alone and empty.
COMPULSIVE CLEANING AND WORKING TO ESCAPE THE REALITY.
THIS IS MY REALITY, THIS IS MY LIFE.

For my time has ended, my death is overdue

It's coming up again, I don't want it to though.
Deep feelings arise as you hit my thoughts.
I have everything I could ever want in life, but you.
And the riches I get won't count, the wealth, the security, the status, the power.
I want all of that, with you.
In hopes of getting that true love that I have been waiting what feels like a lifetime for.
I want this partnership.
I feel the rush, the spark hits, the ball drops.
Energetically heavy.
I show optimism and positivity everyday.
I have it all, but a part of me has nothing.
I feel sad when I'm alone.
Everything from deep within comes to the surface like raw emotions trembling to start.
It all means nothing.
I'm lonely, and misunderstood by everyone around me.
They only see what I show, not what is inside.
I am begging to Start over and receive this love I deserve. ❤️
I don't want to die here, not now, not when I have just begun.
The fame, the status, what will it ever matter when I am this lonely.
Detached from all life and people around me.
It bleeds to think about.
I am here, but maybe I shouldn't be

When people find out they have a certain amount of time left to live, it breaks them.
When a loved one passes away, regrets start pouring.
Unspoken words filtrate and reminiscing of memories elaborate.

****** up, ain't it.

If I had a certain amount of time left to live, I would use it wisely.
I would be happy, because life to me is pointless, I'm not suicidal, or maybe I am.
But I would rather die.
If I had cancer, I would suffer in happiness, hoping not to get better.
Honest thoughts, I WANT TO DIE.

Easiest suicide method, a gun to the head.
May take a few minutes to bleed out and die afterwards, but where to get a gun with such little cash.

Life is an ongoing cycle of pain, loss, betrayal, and abuse.
I AM SICK OF IT

Physically, mentally, and spiritually drained.
Emotionally abused and always taken advantage of by toxic people.
I need help, but I don't want it, because when I'm happy, it starts again.

**** ME

The pain and hurt and loneliness I feel inside is not worth it anymore.
I cannot do this anymore

POINTLESS

No motivation, no will, I have nothing left to live and be grateful for.
My sacrifices mean nothing and I am just a worthless burden to all.

Love
An overrated term. Yet meaningful in existence.
For all that I see, hear, touch, smell, and feel.
I seem to not feel the love I desire.
I want someone to look at me and want me.
I want someone to need me.
Or maybe, I'm just a little liar.

Maybe I deflect, and object.
Maybe I conceive and fumagate.

Maybe the love I want is too powerful for anyone to give me.

No, I am not lonely, but it would be nice.
To have such, to feel such.
To have loving eyes look at you like you the only person in their eyes.
To have a touch that only the deepest seas could bare.

My heart is frozen, my hands are cold.
Shivering in cold heat.
Beat, I may defeat.

The battle, the inflicted pain.
The emotion, inner turmoil down the drain.
May I only feel the deep love one day.
For I wish, I bury myself six feet deep.
Love.
An overrated term, but meaningful in existence

What does love mean?
What can love be?
What can love seem?
What can love do?
To be so inlove with love itself.
A hopeless romantic hiding in a shell.
Running vividly, it’s hell.
These random men that I have been dreaming of.
All taking me.
However, I only want one, the deja vu of it all seems impossible.
But my heart is only set on you.
It wants what it wants.
When I am alone, it comforts me to fantasize.
Fantasize thoughts and situations where you are in.
It makes me feel alive, happy, home.
I crave love so badly, but I will not settle just to get it.
I only want you.
To love and to be loved.
My sensualities running free.
Love is not a sensible subject, and neither are you.

The deep ocean beyond her words when she speaks.
A soft voice with a loud rampage that comes unexpectedly.
The water that's her blood.
The fire that's her lungs.
The earth that's her heart.
The air that's her soul.
Moving swiftly, with a rugged elegance that cannot be pinned down.
She rages like a volcanic eruption where all her pain then pours out of her where humans fear.
Dare not to go near her.
An angel, a goddess, with a devils glare.
Her eyes on high alert like a raven that's hunting its prey.
Showing a false side of who she is, to the world, to protect what is dear to her.
Cannot seem to let go, yet, she tries.
Darkness in her name, but a light so pure it's destined to burn the shadows.
The evil that lurks, she dances in it, but takes the flame and burns it away.

This person is me, lost and in pain, but nevertheless fighting to see what love can bring.
Love is stronger that pride, may it overshadow what my pride has made me.
Turned me to stone, so cold, distrusting, scared.
Scared of what people will do to me.
Scared of what people will take from me, hurting me.
Yet my light is waiting to be shined, dimensional shifting.
I feel the hatred and negativity of other people projected onto me.
Constantly self protecting, I cannot find peace and be one with myself without someone gossiping or relentlessly talking about me.
I feel the worst form of energies being directed onto me.
Behind closed doors, where they are too scared to face their own fears.
I keep to myself, and find my self.
Where love outshines, and weakens the pride.
Love is stronger than pride, I hope I will find that true love I deserve, one day.
Love is stronger than pride, stronger than the ego of others.
My love is my darkness and light.
My love is my strength.
My love is true, worthy, and highly valuable.
My own love is stronger than pride.
My own loves defeats your ego, and overshadows your lies.

"Thought I found a way, a way out, but you never go away...
So, I guess I gotta stay.
Isn't it lovely, all alone, heart made of glass, my mind of stone, tear me to pieces, skin and bone."
"Somethings on my mind, Need to get out my headspace..."

Tear me to pieces, rip me apart, kiss me slow, hold me down, and touch me low.
Feel the flow. Gradually pulling you towards me.
Holding you close. Take me out of my head space.
I don't know what feels true.
Let me crawl inside your veins.
Hide you away, lock you up in my treasure chest.
Keep you, you're mine.
Take my wall down, let's do the unthinkable, I think I'm ready...
I learnt to lose, can't afford to anymore.

Make me shake...
Loose yourself between my words...
make my thighs quake.

Caress me as you kiss me ever so divinely,
hold me and never let go...
Can you feel my flow?

Devour me and consume my inner thoughts,
wrap me up and allow your mind to get caught.

Euphoria sends chills throughout your body...
your nerves, your veins, and your soul,
day'm ***** you know...

Let me magnate you and passionately bite your neck,
I will inspire you to learn to love if you feel too empty inside,
Let me be the drug in your empty cold veins and let me teach you to fight through the harsh mind-created pain...
Feel my skin create sensations of erotica whilst touching yours...
Feel my pleasurable sins...as I give you a little peck.

Love me, even though you don't love me, just for tonight, I will make you feel ever so majestically light.
You are my dream, and healing your empty soul is my scheme.

Love me hard baby...cuz sexuality is insane when there hate to impatiently drain...

Maybe it's your lips
Maybe it's your eyes
Maybe it's your touch
Maybe it's your little lies

Captivate me in your lustful charm, kiss me down as you mean no harm.
Alarmed, I am the ****** goddess, I'll ride you til' you feel inburdened of your sins, til' you come back for more, til' it's me that you lustfully want to lure.
Your lustful cure... Incurable but desirable, mystical and sensual... My touch will evaporate your being of existence as you will only crave me more... I am your lust drug....
Addictive, Withdrawl.

Satisfy you with my every sensual intention, grasp my breath and give me my deserved attention.

I am a queen, royalty, in vain.
I won't apologise as I quite enjoy it messy...
Spank me hard and **** me...
Our birthday suit...
**** me til' I'm too tired to leave you.
Numb all emotions and get onto my level, it's all about the ***, the drugs, and the life we are livin'...
Faded, gone, no attachments...
Just pure lustful passive aggression.

Take a sip, take a hit, take a drag, take a sniff.
Mix it up, lose yourself in your sins.
Take this lust potion baby, move that slow motion.
Just take another sip, lean, trip.
******* to the floor, playing with my hair, fingers like a web.
Just listen, red eyes in a room full of lies.
I know you bite, I need it, take a sip and feel free.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Oooooh baby, stick down to the ground, I need you on the floor. knees to the ground.
I know you feelin, the same way that I feel and I know this is for real.
He says hes feelin, that feelin, that we're feelin, and he want it bad.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Mushrooms got us trippin, got you rollin on the floor, laughing, passed out, then I **** you.
Papi like it good.
Call me baby while I give it like I should.
Put a spell on you, a lust potion.
Take it, sip it, eat it, **** it.
How did I get like this?
Voodoo lust.
You think this lust we have is normal?
It's passionate, hard, ******, intense, sinful, unapologetic, desirable, sensual.
Pull my neck from the back and choke me harder daddy.
...
It's my voodoo magic baby.

I don’t know what to write.
To feel. To see. To know.
Blanked out.
Is melancholy the word?
Discontent, needing to detach.
Detach me, let me go.
I hold no part of anything, to anything.
I am not a part of the chaos, I am disconnected from it all.
I live in my own chaos, my madness, my love.
Low on energy, nothing that excites my peculiar mind.
Dissatisfied, bored.
Out of my mind.
Craving privacy…
Solitude, space.
What cost does sacrificing your own freedom come to?

Concealed by disregard.
Informal obligations of stagnant occurrences.
Intelligence of no use, no form, no will to inform.
Disastrous conclusions, assumptions, judgements.
Sleeping and sleepless.
Longing for more.
Yet, the will has been killed.

Lying wide awake, questioning the defences I hold onto like a loose thread of potent forces.
Exacted to not be exact.
The mind is busy, the body is not.
The soul is in hibernation, the eyes flicker and flip like a thousand broken light bulbs.
I intend on not grabbing, not fighting, and not limiting.
Limitless in a world of limited.
How do I get out?

I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.

Deeply ridden, ached by the tension.
As the wind blows so elegantly, shifting in dimensional proximity, I feel the yearnings and pull of what is lost and what it is I need.
Fantasizing until my imagination is knotted in the loophole.
I hit a gentle fall, a wave of melancholic nostalgia.
My words have slowly puzzled itself.
I cannot seem to express what is really ******* inside.
My depth is no longer to be heard or seen.
The bright light hits my eyes, burning at the glare.
I write in senseless disposition.
Trying to reposition.
Sexually repressed.
Wanting the intimacy and craving *** like my nerves have exploded.
But my heart, it stops me.
My mind, it controls me.
My yearning of what I truly want Disciplines my desires.
Contradictions at stake.
My earth is about to quake.

No, I don't feel good.
I don't feel okay.
A piece of me is missing, empty...
Filling voids with unnecessary pleasure that only bring upon more loneliness, more pain, more isolation.
Searching, waiting for my missing puzzle piece.
Damaged, in clueless vain.
My veins are hot, popping with every nerve, blood vessels integrated in me.
I see I belong nowhere, but to myself, where strings cannot break itself free.
Juxtaposed, alone, lost in hopeless misery.
Will it ever get better?
Will I ever be united?
My soulmate, the one who is made for me.
My other half...
My heart is bleeding.
Cursing its deep love in unwanted toxicities.
Seeking pleasures that can never find me.
I find myself desperate, but not attaching.
Too detached to say the least.
Lost in solitude.
My lonely serpent spirit longing for its other piece.
The sadness of it lingers on...
Forbidding all wonderful desires to my feet.
Helpless and all alone.
My heart yearns, My soul empty.
Where is my missing complex puzzle piece?