Of course I am angry
I tried my best not to love you
I tried my best focus on your many flaws
I tried my best not to continuously see past them
I tried my best not to allow the carefully placed ice around my heart to melt
I knew better, I knew better a million times
Than to fall for someone who was always at war with himself
And yet I did
Yet I stupidly, stupidly did
Whatever pain I've felt, I accepted the very moment that I became used to wondering and worrying about you
The very moment I felt my mouth curve up instead of down at your irksome comments
When I began to detest your absence instead of presence
I could not focus on your flaws
I could not stop looking past them
And when I saw that my layers of icy indifference were turning into a puddle
I stood over it, horrified.
But my reflection only smiled back at me.
My mother warned me to stay away from the big bad wolf, years ago.
I thought it was very strange but promptly forgot about it.
Until the other night when you told me that you were very wolf-like.
But the big bad wolf didn't come to my door saying he wanted to devour my heart.
He knocked first.
Don't listen to the voices, climb
Forget about old choices, climb
So what if it seems pointless, climb
Hoist a flag upon the mountain
Where you're done with struggling
Against yourself to start punching
Life begins to push you around
Hard work's a crown
That may seem somewhat heavy but
You can turn depression upside down
Start gathering smiles from your frowns
Everything might be going wrong
But, cheer up!
Have the courage to stay strong
Step right past the emotional quicksand
Get yourself off the floor, and take a stand
Not a suggestion, a command
Because, once you do
You'll forget about feeling blue
Waking up in the early mornings
Just for a few moments of quiet and peace
Trying not to let on that things weren't
Picture perfect, as they say, within myself
Nodding and smiling and playing the part
Using all my practice from over the years
Wiping away stray tears and maintaining
A neutral tone of voice, shifting between
Light hearted and deadly serious
Depending on different cues that
I've learned to notice
Throughout the course of time
I know just when to smile
(When everyone else is smiling)
I know just when to laugh
(When everyone else is laughing)
And I know just when to cry
(When everyone's busy)
And I know just when to sigh
(When I think about how pointless it all is)
I suppose it was inevitable.
The fact that we would meet.
The fact that I would expect warm sunshine where there was a storm brewing.
The fact that I tried my best to convince myself that I wasn't going to fall when I already had.
The fact that I ignored the alarms ringing through my mind and pretended that they were just music.