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 Mar 2020 Esther En Qin
Faith
On Sunday, I scoured
the skin from my
dining room table.

I smeared a sunset
to cover the scars

and in the fading light,
slanted by my living room
shades, it smiled at me
through a gap-toothed grin.
How to describe something so perfect?

A smile that shines brighter through your eyes than your lips

Slowly leaning into you

The way you easily reciprocate my sarcasm

You keeping the receipt from our first date with our stick figure rendition that the waitress drew for us

Pausing the movie so we could dance

Our first kiss

The whirlwind of the first week

Hearing I love you tumble from your lips

How to describe something so wrong?

A wall, though not physical in nature, effective just the same

The grains of you slipping through my fingers

The absence of the spark in your eyes that told me I was the only one

The silence that should be filled with the words I never said

I love you too
 May 2017 Esther En Qin
Simpleton
The sand in the hourglass falls with a consuming force
A smell of fear lingering in the air
Your frozen gaze urging it to slow down
Yet it has a life of its own
A course that must be fulfilled
You stared hopelessly as a thousand grains
Fell without permission
Until you willed what was about to come
Until you missed home
Until the last of the tiny grains fell
And took you with it
Following like a wilted flower that craved the sun
 Mar 2017 Esther En Qin
TLove D
For the Soul I have hungered
For the Words I left unspoken
For the Tears I have not shed
For the Promises I made to be broken

For the Song I have not sung
For the Book I did not read
For the Gift I have not shared
For the Heart I left to bleed

For the Memories I have forgotten
For the Truth I have not told
For the Freedom I held captive
For the Feelings I let grow cold

For the Battles I have not won
For the Lies I have deceived
For the Love I took for granted
For the Life I have not lived

And to my Self, I’m sorry
For not seeing these through
This pain I have to carry
Because I have lost you
 Mar 2017 Esther En Qin
Hannah
I am reclaiming my dignity,
with every word
I hold between clenched teeth.
I don't want to talk
about anything anymore.
I don't see the point.
If I speak about the secrets,
I've locked behind doors,
It would shock,
and shake anyone to the floor.
It's easier for me to store,
these secrets in my core.
I can keep them safe there,
and keep my dignity warm.
Place a battered hand on my innocence,

It's been 5 years but a scar never leaves,

A closed mouth pleads the best for help.

All my life I've been speechless only because when

I lift up my shirt and I can still see your handprint

Everyday

I still face what is the false indication of love, never got a hug but a hard closed fist.

All because of my innocence.
Sometimes I'm fine
Sometimes i just whine
I feel like a failure

Like everything I do is wrong
My life like an annoying ****
All I do is clash
Everything I touch comes to crash

I always mess up
And then I fess up
To make amends

But still I fail there too
I fail most when dealing with you
No particular you
Just with all people I do

And yet even still
I'll try to follow your will
Because you love me

Even though I'm a failure
You love me still
God loves me even when I can't stand myself.
I was a new paintbrush.
In the beginning, there was so much potential in his promises.
He was to create alluring artwork from my bristles,
vowing beautiful blues and pleasant pinks would tickle me
and yet the memories of baneful, bitter blacks darken my mind.
When artwork went wrong, I was to blame,
slammed against the wall and used to stab canvases,
he took his anger out on me.
He splintered me and broke me,
yet I am still held accountable for his wrongful accusations.
My only hope was that he would clean up his chaotic mess
but my bristles are stiff and stained with snapshots of
his haphazard hand wrapped around my neck.
I am a used paintbrush.
Abusive relationships are difficult to recover from.
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