I wore your coat today
It gives me the illusion
that we are more
than just abusers
It wasn't until now that I realized
affection isn't the same as love
I've adapted as a user
so I could be a player in their game
Trading cannabis for kisses
to deprived my body of its senses
Everything I touch feels fuzzy and dull
None of this can be real
I keep my eyes closed
as I am dragged down
in a haze of pleasure
I let you move me to your desire
To have someone take control over me
brought relief over my chest
I felt useful for there was no time
to over think our motives
Please take me in
I'll let you have all of me
Show me what's it like to be loved
I can't tell the difference anymore
I know what's happening
but I don't want it to stop
Cause I am not here
My body may be on the bed
but my mind is somewhere else
I flinch at the touch of your lips smothering me
They are different from his
You brush over my scars like they were nothing
like they weren't some hellish thing I endure
I have no response for the selfish suggestions
you whisper in my ear
Cause I'm tried and we both
just want our fix
I could feel the hunger in your grip tighten
reluctant to stop
You never asked
but I didn't say no either
cause affection makes us feel loved
even if we aren't

A Bullet to Her Name

She thrives on control
for her being in control, even for a minute
made it appear that she had some sort of stability in her life
like she knew what she was doing

Change was a struggle of hers
its a goal that can best reflect her deepest desires
A dreamer with endless curiosity of the world she inhabits
and exactly where she fits in with it
Yet her own self doubt will stop her every time
from trying to discover her inner purpose

Her weakness of intimacy
is a walking caution sign that warns
If you dare get close to her
you might want to back the *******
She doesn't know what its like to be in love
only that it relates to the abundance of commitment issues
that she bravely drags along behind her
from all her previous lovers

Her problems are paper chains of chaotic messes
all connected in some way that leads up to who she is
A difficult mind that only gets more complicated
the further she lets you in
Many will leave her
for only few can handle
the unpredictable, raw, impulsive person
she can be

No more
will these things be a part of her
For the first time in-- probably ever
she welcomes positivity with open arms
and tries to embrace her true potential
Discovering that taking the step in becoming
a better person doesn't mean
having control
understanding what she fears
or through another person to determine

It starts with being pitiless in
facing her own problems head on, reaching out and
beating her insecurities with a smile on her face
No, her efforts are not for anyone else to comprehend or to take part in
There for her
and for her to be selfish
in taking all the time required to do so
at her own pace

I was trying to pump
this dead desire
with the sour taste of denial
into both of our hearts
so I could feel
what we could of had.
But I had to stop and let you go
cause even then
Our souls still wouldn't be able to find each other

No matter how hard I try
I will never be able to express my feelings and gratitude
I have for you
You left a mark the size of a teardrop
hidden within my one-of-a-kind mind
I can't describe what its purpose is
but it has the tendency to relinquish the aura of you
at the times I need it the most
and I could sit here
and write words a pound words trying to unravel this phenomenon
but instead
I found out the best types of feelings are the ones
you can't understand
regardless of how hard you try
I miss you.
and I know we whispered it before behind closed doors
but I try to ease this repetitive beat
that won' let up but only increase in hunger every time
the image of your smile
creeps into my thoughts...Yet I can't make it stop
It's the nostalgia numbness you get that
radiated throughout your whole body when
death dares you to loosen your grip from your fingertips
The waking up from a dream and being disappointed
that you can't steal the part that you feel is a representation
of your destiny with you.
It's going on a trip and forgetting you camera
your only option is to be stuck capturing moments
in you mind
but will never be able to conceal them on the wall
yes we can carry on but every once in a while
you know something is missing
but you can't quite put your finger on it.
You were more than just a listening ear
I could turn to
You provided me a safe reassurance that I'm not alone
and you accepted every aspect of me
every little flaw, mistake, and accomplishment
and I'm sorry you had to be the right person
at the wrong time.
But this isn't about wanting you back
it's an emotional bond I never had
with anyone else
and I'm glad I found someone
I could share it with

Without you here
I can't help but to wonder
what it must be like to live on the Otherside
We are separated into two
While we collide at times
we mix as good as oil and water.
How do you manage
to hide your feelings so well?
They're bury deeper
than my black light will show.
As much as I envy the Otherside
I always ache that we could be intertwined.
That way neither of us will have to sacrifice
what we can not change.
But I'm not like the others on My side.
While they enjoy the company of hollow sounds
I'll rather die than be left all alone.
Very much like yourself.
But you will never show that emotion
that could potentially leave to conflict and commotion.
Cause even though I speak in "I'm fines"
I'll be lying, cause I
could never live on the Otherside.