It's my turn to be demanding
You break up with me then say
"Remember the promise you made me"
I made you so many but you mean the one
About self harm
"That's not fair!"
So you told me you want me safe
But now it is my turn
Don't you dare tell me you don't love me
Don't you dare break my heart again
Don't you dare say you care but tell me you're leaving anyways
Don't you dare treat me like a child
Don't you dare make decisions for me
Don't you dare change who you are
Don't you dare lose sight of yourself
Don't you dare give up
I love you
I miss you
I guess you never realized there was a person under your best friends sister. You never realized that she didn't shut you out; you just never gave her the time of day. Until years later you realize that she's no longer your best friend's awkward little sister. You realize that her face has matured. She's lost a lot of her weight. She's got a nice figure. You realize that she's deeper than the awkward person she displays. She has unique thoughts. You realize she's normal underneath her skin. But what you don't realize is that she's fragile. One wrong move and the flint will spark, destroying everything. You don't realize that there are embers from a previous wild fire. And, you also don't realize how much she cares about you.
I've been thinking about you a lot today. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of Matty, or maybe I just haven't had anything interesting to think about today. I've been thinking about what I did wrong. If what I did wrong was send our conversations to Caylen; or if it was how I'm so angry all the time... You always said you thought my anger was your fault. You thought everything was your fault. I reassured you that it wasn't. That none of my anger was caused by anything you did. I think you knew that. One of the last things I remember you saying was "I know. I'm just paying for what someone else did." I was just starting to trust you again after that whole Chassadie thing. I shouldn't have been so stupid. The thing is, I'm not mad at you, really, anymore. I'm more mad at me. At the fact that I let some guy who was just like Mark into my life. You were playing with me. I don't think intentionally; at least not at first. One thing I keep thinking about is when you told me you didn't take Caylen to the Navy Ball. And when I found out that you lied to me about it, I started asking you questions. And then you told me that she gave you a ride to base. But one thing that I thought of is, "How did she get on base?" Civilians can't get onto military bases. If she drove you to your building, how did she get in? Because apparently you were "too drunk" to do anything productive. You stayed with her that night, didn't you? I don't understand why you can't ever be honest with me. Nothing you say makes sense. It does at first, until you hang up and I have time to piece the truths and the lies together. I don't think you truly understand what you did. You ruined my friendship with Victoria. She doesn't know that, but the reason is because I tried to fill up the void you left in my chest with one of her friends and she got envious. You ruined my relationship with my dad. He called me saying you called the ETPD on me. But the thing is, I don't believe you did that willingly. Either she made you do it, or your mother made you do it. Or, on a whim, you were lying to me when you said you wanted to be my friend; that you would stay. But I don't quite believe that last bit there. So I hope one day you tell me the truth so I can get on with my life. So I can regain composure of my posture. Control my thoughts. So that I'm not wondering what the hell I did wrong again.
I miss you. Do you remember when you'd drive me home and we'd talk about stupid things like how a toilet works or how to tie a fishing knot? Because I remember. I remember when we'd have actual conversations. When we could joke with each other without offending one another. We'd call each other names like crap basket or poop blaster 3,000 and laugh until there were tears in our eyes.
I was angry at you for a little bit during my childhood. I was angry that you weren't around as much as I wanted you to be. I know that wasn't your fault, necessarily, but I wish you would have tried a little more. I'm still angry at you, but I'll get to that later.
Do you remember when you surprised me at school? Because I do. Mrs. Makar told me to go to the office, and I remember thinking, "Oh crap, what now?" As I was walking out, people were going OooooooOoo and giggling like little kids do when they think someone is in trouble. My heart was racing and I was worried. But then I saw someone through the window. It took me about two seconds to register who you were before I jumped into your arms and gave you the biggest hug I could. You told me these exact words, and I still think them and say them to myself every day: "Jeez, it's okay to breathe, Squirt." You giggled a little bit, but I think you were just trying not to cry too. We talked for a little while, but I don't remember what about. And then you had to go, and I watched you walk away. I was so sad but so happy at the same time. A bittersweet moment some would call it.
I remember the fight that you had with mom. When I was a little kid, probably a little older than Khloe. I remember standing at the door watching the electricity guy drive into our driveway. I remember you and mom yelling a little and throwing things at each other. Then the lights went out and the big old box T.V. made that weird noise when it turns off. Bo was barking and I was crying and scared. Then after that, I don't remember what happened. Thinking back to it now, and seeing your behavior, I wish you would handle things better.
A few summers ago, when we lived up north, I didn't know what to feel. You were always gone and it was always me and Mandie. I remember always being scared. Scared that you wouldn't come home, scared that someone was watching us while you were away. But what scared me the most was that night that you tried leaving. I was outside on your bike because I didn't want you to leave. I wanted to cut the wires on your bike so you couldn't. I remember Mandie screaming at you something like "You know what Travis!!! You're lucky I don't know how to use those guns because I wanna blow my fucking brains out!!" Those weren't her exact words, but it was something along those lines. She grabbed your shirt and you threw her on the floor. We just didn't want you to leave. No offence dad, but you're an idiot when you're mad. There were bruises on her arm the next day, and I asked her what from. She didn't really respond until later. That's when I started being angry at you. Really, truly angry. I was mad that you picked the club over your own kid. I still am. You lost a lot of time with me, dad. Mandie and I bonded a lot over that summer, but... I don't really know what happened. And to me, I think that's one of our issues. I learned things about her that nobody really knows about except for our family. And I think that summer has something to do with our issues.
I was attacked by two boys, and you didn't believe me when I told you. And let me tell you just how absolutely terrifying it was for me. They were my friends. I thought they were, at least. Then one night, it was a rather stressful day for me at mom's house. Jason said that he was at Matt's house and that I could come over, so I did. When I got there, they had already been drinking. I just wanted to play videogames. Matt had an Xbox and was playing some war game when I arrived. It was a little awkward at first, and then we started making jokes and having fun and it started off as a normal night. Then Matt offered me a drink, which I declined at first. But he'd already made it and I didn't want to be rude, so I sipped it anyway. I started getting dizzy and lightheaded, and then it went dark. I know you don't want to hear this, dad, but when I woke up, I didn't have any clothes on. I gathered up my things and got dressed and went home. I sat in the shower and cried my eyes out. Then they said to me if I told anyone, I'd "be sorry." And when I called you that one day at school and asked you to come get me, you didn't believe me. You told me I brought it on myself dad. I didn't ask to be raped. I was just fourteen. I remember that. I thought they wanted to hang out. But.... the point is, I'm still incredibly angry at you for saying that to me. I wanted to slap you in the face and call you a complete moron. But there was no point in shooting a dead horse.
When I met Mark, you didn't like him. I know why now, but you need to understand that I was naïve and young and stupid. So I didn't see under his charm. And that, I think, is when you started to stop... being my dad, I guess. Maybe not that... I don't know. I don't know how to say what I'm thinking. You treated me like I was 10, but also like I was 20. So that's a bit confusing. And when he... When I.. when that thing happened and the restraining order went down, you shut me out. And that pissed me off. Because you were always there, dad. You were my best friend, and also like my partner in crime. And when you shut me out, that really hurt. It still does. You don't treat me like I'm your kid anymore. You treat me like I'm some stranger. Like I'm the black sheep of the family. As if I'm the bad guy and always have been. I guess yeah I am, but so are you, you know..
Landin and Khloe. Those two kids mean the absolute world to me. I think about them every single day, and that is not an exaggeration. I love them more than anything in the world. I was so happy to see them during thanksgiving. I was even happier to see them for Christmas. Mandie once told me she thought that I didn't give a damn about them, but that isn't true in the slightest bit. I would die for those two kids. I would kill. I would do anything for them as long as it means that they're happy. I don't know the home situation anymore, but I want you to do something for me, that you never really did for me as a kid. I don't want you to be their friend. I want you to be their dad. I want you to be patient with them, and understanding and accepting. Spend time with them. Give them the best life. Make sure they have the best opportunities. I don't want them to turn out like you or me. It would kill me to see them act like me, or be like you when you were my age. So please... Just don't be stupid with them.. Be the best dad ever for them. Be there.
This year has been one fucked up year. I'm sorry that you think that I'm trying to ruin your marriage. I'm not. I just feel like you never listen to my side of the story. Like you don't try to listen. You don't listen to how I'm feeling, and you never really did. I know that's not your fault. People deal with things differently. It makes me angry that you think that I intentionally do things to hurt other people or myself. I'm like you, dad, I don't deal with things properly. Its always anger first, and regret later. I know that Mandie is a part of your life and always will be. She's a part of mine too. But you can't always take her side, or listen to only her side of the story. That's not fair to me. And yeah, I am a little jealous of all my sister and brothers over there. They get to spend time with you, and laugh with you and do all this fun stuff and I know I don't live there anymore, but when I did, it felt like all you did was try to exclude me from that happy little life. And that bothers me. That's why I get angry at Mandie is because I feel like she took my dad away from me. I don't know, dad... I've accepted the things that I've said and done. It's time that you do the same.
Regardless of all this, you are still my dad, and I still love you. Even though I kinda wanna hit you in the face sometimes. Anyway, I love you dad.
The mist settles as i sit at night and recall.
Flickers of light like a tv in a thunderstorm.
I clutch my chest.
I curl up into a ball.
Pain racks my body
like a storm on a tin roof
I will summon his ghost tonight.
The pain makes his memory brighter.
So i let the blood pool.
Maybe its to punishing myself
I'm not sure
Its a mockery of the original.
But its all i have so i cling to it
While i sleep safe in the past.
I was cheerful and bright eyed but never saw a future
I've always limited myself in an agonizing suture
I've been lost since birth and I fear that god was mistaken
For I am slipping away and I feel that my life span has been taken
I am suicidal and in search for reassurance
I wish for death and wish for liberation from this earth
I spoke of god but I know of none
I know that once I am gone that it all will be done
Sorry for my rambling, I have finished my self loathing
Good bye my loves, for now I must be going
you didn’t even give me
a chance to say
a single word of love
before you left.
you just gave me a year
full of Autumn
and a goodbye
i have been holding
since moment i saw you.
if you come just once
i won’t even say hello.
i’ll just drop what my heart
has held like the weight of
and then you can
i will never stop you.
and i'll just stand still
in time -reminiscing a
outstretched hand first came
to meet mine,
till all of my bones
have turned to dust.