Another one down,
oh so many to follow.
When will you stop
your running disaster of a life?

Another one down,
another to add to the deck.
A deck of cards,
called your Broken Hearts Repertoire.

Another one down,
just another mistake to remember.
Remember in what is slowly becoming
your book of reasons to die.

Another one down,
jotted in the margins.
Margins already filled with put-downs
realities, they are called.

Another one down,
another one gone.
Just another sigh in the night
filled of half-realized loves, and darkly fulfilled dreams.

I'm lost
in this light,
trapped behind bars of
Visibility.

I remember
how it was,
there on the Dark
Side. Relieving,
coaxing,
ever so tempting.

But now
I'm "cured" of...
what exactly? I was
Perfect. Maybe
crazy
to their definition.
I was Me
in mine.

We giggle.
We giggle at all the others that we’re watching.
We giggle out of the awkwardness and nervousness we feel.
We giggle.

We’re in the movie theatre,
before everyone else,
Everything else.
But then it starts,
with a gentle nudge,
Staring into each
other’s eyes.
Me
Searching for the love I so
desperately crave.
You, now I know,
just seeing my mask of affection.

Then,
you move in,
eyes
Closing.
I panic,
but move in too.

Our lips meet,
and...
Nothing.
My eyes
Open
To make sure
that it’s you that I’m kissing, not
An illusion.

But maybe that’s all this ever was.

Too many.
Just too many of them.
Them,
cuts
scars—
those inside and out.
Cross my heart,
hope to die,
maybe I’ll actually succeed this time.

I can’t deal with it anymore,
It’s gotten out of my control,
beyond my grasp is the leash
the choker on my fears
depression

Obsession.

I can’t even pull it together
enough for a poem.
I shall always remember this
the day I said,
“I shall die someday
you shall see
I am never going to live up to your version of me.”

I find another photo on the floor,
mixed in with the behemoth of memories.
I see you in it,
and it shatters to pieces of imagination.
Imagination.
Sharper than a razor,
duller than your words.
Cuts me down past the bone,
not quite to the heart.

But you made it all the way,
didn't you?
You,
not so much stabbed,
as you did gently slid in your
your words
in between phrases and clauses
of clouds and kisses.

I begin to choke under the
                                WEIGHT of the behemoth,
yours, really.
                                  weightlessness.
I begin to choke under the

However it happened,
It happened like this:
I loved you,
you loved me.
I love you,
you framed me
with broken memories.

Nightmares of reality.
I sit alone in a crowded room.
I’m not alone on a dark street.
I’m filled with tears.
I’m filled with terror.
I hate myself.
I hate myself more than you ever could.

That crowded room begins to choke me with the silence.
That imagined street lights up the dark recesses of my mind,
blinding me through my tears,
and only serving as catalyst to my fear.
The light scares me more than the dark.
If only because there is nothing to understand in the dark,
only impulses to follow.

If someone had told me that
maybe it would’ve ended different
than this.

Somehow I didn't...
Didn't see through this deception,
this charade of a relationship.
I saw you the way you were supposed to be,
all for me,
not the way you are...
You say I should have known all along,
that it's my own fault for not bracing myself for the truth.
But,
I say it's you more than me,
you who dare impregnate the idea of you into my
Thoughts,
Emotions...
Tears that slipped quietly down my cheek did nothing to wipe me clean,
But.
But what can be said of any tragedy?
“Another one down”
“It's too bad... He was such a nice boy”
“He deserved it”

I wish too much to describe,
And most of that book I read to say,
'I wish I coulda died,'

Them nights of silence,
I spent them lonely, down, and cryin',
But man to fly kites by moonlight.

Wishin' don't do anybody good,
So why don't we all just admit I'm wrong?
And go back to those summer days,
Cooled by the ice kisses of a picture perfect romance.

Sounds in the night,
Figments of the ghost I don't believe in.
Freedom of the soul,
Sacrificed for a little blood release.

Shadows of days,
Days I passed alone, dead inside,
Become innumeral in the face of
Our fractured diamond of a love affair.

I can laugh, don't you see?
I can be all I ever wanted to be.
I can stay within the lines.
Color me a rainbow inside the binds.
I can even cry,
If I really try.
Don't you see,

I'm not me.
The me I am,
Is different from who I am.
I am a  
C  
   R
       A
           C K on the bathroom mirror,
Broken and worthless.
I am red,
Red as the blood that used to run through my veins.
I am...
Not me

Sometimes,
I feel like the lyrics to a song.
Pre-written, undeterminably bland and cliche.
Sometimes,
I feel the hurt setting in.
Like a marker bleeding in through the skin.
Sometimes,
I feel like writing a song.
About the pain of my everyday lives.
Sometimes,
I feel like giving it all up in search of a lie.
Sometimes,
I feel like all I'm living is a lie.
Sometimes...
I feel Warmth.

Feather-heavy, on the side of my cheek.
Relieving-pain,
running down the side of my cheek.
Salty-purity,
brimming in my eyes.
Red-blue,
I'll always be seeing you.

I look down,

at my wrist.

Stare at the scars,

memories of the blade.

None of them are fresh,

so long without relief.

How long can it stay this way?

How long can I stay emotionless?

How long can I keep the ice in my heart,

the ice freezing the tears from ever showing?

The longer you stay away,

the harder it is to keep it this way.

The farther you are,

them more that I crave that painful relief.

Finally, it's too much,

I feel too broken.

And I know that the only way to fix myself,

is to give in to the blade.

Cold.

Feeling.

At last.

Something colder than my frozen heart,
The warmth of a frozen world.
A crack in my shell,
Hide it quick, before they see.
Is that fire in my eyes?
Can't be, my fire turned to smoke long ago.
Smoke turned to ashes in my soul,
More stains on the easily corruptible.
A tear leaking through to my heart,
Turns to ice and builds my defenses.
Defenses against the world of sorrow,
Friend of the dark morrow.