The morning sun trickles through the curtains as a reminder of another day begins
finding the rhythm of life an echo of days past, just a picture out of time unable to break the
cycle of days leading to the recycling of moments of prior.
To hope and pray for a change to change my life to make me new was no where to be found. Placed my hope some thought to be safe, but not the case found pain and sadness in their wake. Anger, fighting, regret and mistreatment lead to exhaustion and feelings of coldness and emptiness.
When realization sparked like a light bulb going off in my head. This for all of it's faults was my prayer answered a change in my life to change my stagnant life and give it some heat good, bad or indifferent. So watch for the answers to your prayers they may not be as obvious as we think they should be.
Have you ever noticed life is a repetitive set of circumstances
one follows the other, with what seems to be a never ending
path of destruction, or blessing.
For what seems like a decade it has been raining a drizzle here
a spritz there. Enough to make me damp but not enough to soak me through.
As of late say the last two year I have been in a repeating cycle of a tropical depression.
Recently my heart was broken by the only woman I would trust with .
So as I started this statement (for this aint not poem) when it rains it pours but in
My case the bitch stole my umbrella.
So take this for what it is love it or hate it these are the nonsensical ramblings of a heart broken fool to lost in his own storm to see the light of day, longing for peace and for god sakes a little sunshine wouldn't hurt.
Oh selfish heart how can you lie
you love me then say good-bye
I wonder the wisdom in your choice's of life
Will you miss me when I am gone
will you notice when my arms aren't around you.
to abuse the love your given so freely so endless
for your own selfish desire for your own selfish world
you turn your heart away and change my love to a
hatred not felt before.
would never have thought I could hate you so
but now it safe to say you let me go
though I hate it and my heart is hurt
when love and hate collide no one survives
so enjoy you life do what you want
and when you finally slow down and start to look
around you will see yourself alone never to be happy always alone
may you see your path before you lose it all with no one and nothing to call yours
The choice is made the mode unsure with the taunting call of death ringing in my ears beckoning imploring me come.
Making the end seem all the more alluring I reach for the gun once so feared but now embraced by my callased hand
I deserve and crave deaths cold hand, I have lost so many including the love of my life,caused so much pain that iI am due.
To hear the sounds as the bullets are loaded sounds like the loss of seconds on the clock. With every bullet memory of those lost and pain I have caused.
The clip is full though only one would be needed, I stare at this instrument of death contemplating what it will feel like as the bullet pierces the skull and destroys my memory.
To those left behind I am sorry for the one last pain but u will quickly forget about me and move on with your lives be happy.
So I pick it up set my mind as to not back out, unlock the trigger And load the one round into the barrel the slowly I reach for the trigger shaking and scare but determined now is the time good bye
Loss of love with slow unintentional barbs and pokes
I have failed to nourish and cherish the love I have been blessed with
A lie no matter how small is a lie, why is the truth so hard to face so elusive to the conversation.
Why do I insist on hiding stupidity when it always finds its way out into the open to destroy what is fragile and easily sacrificed on a daily basis it seems my love for you.
What is lost is not easily found your eyes must be open and your heart willing, I may never get another chance to love you my soulmate and for that I will grieve till my last day on this planet.
You cannot and will not be replaced , for I cannot replace half of me with prosthetic for it isn't real just a false accommodation to fill the hole left with the loss of you.
I will take this moment and every moment following to plead my love and beg forgiveness. The time has come to face the obvious I have lost my love, and know your gone. May you find love, honesty and happiness all you couldn't with me.
I will wait for the day my heart stops hurting, though I hope it never does so I can never forget the pain I caused you and pay my pentence for my sins against you.
I love you
The pain felt because of pride and the need to be superior
To revenge some wrong percieved is not right no matter how turned or explained
If you can't be supportive you are not needed so move on
When looking for death and trying to stay positive I must remove that which pushes me toward the goal of death.
Why, why would you do this or be this way you have hurt me more then I can forgive or ever forget. The one I love isn't supposed to hurt me or the ones I love, but to hold me up and support me but you can't.
So we are done with the petty self serving hatred you carry yourself in shadows living in darkness and emptiness. Though you won't be alone you will find some man willing to accept your hatred and anger ignoring their own self respect to accept hour abuse.
Why must we lose our love of love
Are we so busy to monitor where love is
Are we so jaded that we dont even care
Love seems to be on the endangered species list and quickly dieing out
When we as a society, people, or person must fight to keep love alive it makes one wonder if it was ever alive at all or stillborn from conception.
I for one choose to live with the belief that Love is alive and well just ignored for it's simplicity.
Life is complicated with stresses piling up making our lives chaotic as a hurricane
with love being the eye of the storm, with most of us being bliwn away and never reaching the eye seeing the peace and calm that comes with it. So strap yourself in life is a storm of chaos and complexity dont give in hold firm for you will soon be in the eye and see the storm in a whole new way
I am engulfed in the pain of the day
always stalking me wishing me harm
with my life unimportant it leaves me to try and discover why want's my soul
I always think i find happiness but discover that it is an illusion and a lie
I cause pain everyday I remain here in this eartly coil
The pain has convinced me to avoid further distruction of oters hearts I must cause one last pain one more loss.
Though I question my head and the broken and painful heart I cannot dispute the logic that is derived.
So it may be best to say goodbye and remove the pain from my life and leave one last pain for you to get over and forget about me
I want to die
I want to give up
I want to end this pain
I am to afraid to do so by myself
Though I think of ways to do it all the time
I pray that some drunk wreckless driver will run the light and help me
or I might fall off the roof and break my neck.
Or that my heart will just break from all this pain and stop beating from from lack of will
I have done so much hurting to others though I thought it was for the better I withheld the truth that was important to another I love and it has hurt her and wrecked us.
The only good I had in my life is now gone and I have nothing left
though the talk of death is hard for some the thought of being dead brings me peace
to see those that went ahead and to finally be at peace with the pain of this world behind me
Is this the "note" they all look for to help understand or is it the rambling of a person without the balls to kill themselves, I dont know maybe both.
I am sorry for hurting you and hope when you remember me you think of me fondly and shed a little tear for me. I love you and will miss you .
The darkness consumes my every thought dragging me to the corners of my mind.
There I find the memories of days gone by, hurt that was forgotten and joy never known.
My silent torment remains silent as the screams for help echo in the hollwness of the memories I store.
why won't they help me? Cant they hear me cry for someone to save me from myself, from that monster that haunts when I am unguarded and weak. That monster that stole my innocence that stole my childhood, and it wasn't alone as most monster aren't. God help the child trapped in this wretched soul for it is damaged and broken.
To repair a soul, a mind is almost impossible for you can't recover what was lost in a sea of darkess and fear. Forgivness would be a start to finding peace ost would say, but that is an elusive response to the evil that lurks in my memories, and futile to seek that which does not come.
I know the Lord has forgiven me for my past and sin, but I am not so easily persuaded to forive such hurt and betrayal of innocenece. The monster that brought the evil upon me is the worste some would say, but I beg to differ seeing the unknowing accomplice (those with the power to help but not the courage) the worste evil of them all and never worthy of forgivenenss.
From a distance I can see everything that happens around me
from up in my tower I sit so high feeling protected from your prying eye
I see things that make no sense children in chaos and parents with no power
the child is in charge and the parent quivers in fear of the government.
Yes the government who tells us what we can eat, how much we can drink and how we must raise the chil we gave birth to.
Long gone are the days of individual freedoms, for we all owe the piper a debt we will never pay. Tremble thats right tremble in fear for the direction we head is anything but clear. hold your family close and your guns closer, God protoect us as we try to achieve cotrol of our lives and our future's. May our children find the way to sanity and reality.
I wish for you all is to find peace and to no fall into the hole the government is digging for it looks like nothing more then a mass grave. this is dug by the greedy, corrupt and easily swayed from they're own convictions., selling our souls for a piece of the money.
We are ready to blame big buisiness and democrats and republican but we all are a part of this mess and must live with the fate we may not have wanted but sure as heel got. So to you crooked politicians and corrupt business men we know who you are and are watching your every move. and America all races, creeds, sexes and religous conviction grow some balls stand for wht is right and dont sell your children and grand children out for a free T.V. and cell phone have some self respect.
Shall I freely forgive a betrayal of love
Do i forget the whimsical way you sought another
Will the taste of disgust ever be removed from my memory's
You say your sorry
You said it was a mistake
You mention love for me as if hurt never existed
Those words so easily roll from your lips but do they really say anything
Is this revenge for previous hurt and previous pain
I will never know
You chose your path and made your choice
You couldn't commit to me so you ran to him
Do I trust you again it will take time to know the extent of the damage
Trust is earned and when shit on and disrespected it is taken back
When you lose trust it is impossible to get it all back
Why does death elude me
does it no longer hunt me like a lion to it's pray
the sweet sleep is so far away, outside of grasp.
The overwhelming feeling f reponsability impedes my plan
and my mind feverishly attempts to find a way to disolve the promise
and responsabilities owed.
To decide the way to face death is another decision
should it be peacful and fade into a quiet slumber
should it be quick and one painful
I find myself lacking the courage to take that final step, to pull that triger or take that extra pill
I ate my life and the constant strugle
I hurt everyone I know and can't keep the one's I love
I lose them to death and to my inabiltiy to look outside my of me
There is nothing to ook foreward to nothing that will change my life for the better
So I continue with my prayers to be taken from this turmoil and grief to stop hurting others in my life with one last pain and loss, the loss of me
Where are you sweet peace
I long for you long sleep into the endless night
oh dear heart can you quietly go into the darkness
fear not the loss of breath, for peace lays beyond the last gasp of pain
lay still and fain darkness for it is the true and only peace
to all who I have caused hurt and pain I can never be sorry enough
I pray your peace will come though it has eluded me
The rain falls harder then it had before transporting me back to a prior point in my timeline.
to thoughts of a past I had forgot and a me that was free of the bonds of responsibility a time of innocence. When the future was not considered and the now was all I knew, the thought of family and love were giants off in the distance. As the rain brings these memories rushing into my mind, I am wrap myself in them like a warm blanket on a cold winter night.
The lightening and thunder snaps me back to the now that I currently occupy, further from where I was closer to where I want to be. My past fondly remembered and my future in sight not knowing where or how to get there but enjoying the ride and the partner God gave me to finish this journey.
When you feel alone I will be there
when you feel scared I will hold you
when your at your end I will walk you further
I will never be far behind you, and never ahead
I will be by your side when you need me the most
have you guessed who I am
I am love I will never leave you alone again
lean on me for I will always be there
I had lost faith in where I was supposed to be
I felt I was at my end, my limitation.
I had lost what I most treasured in life.
when I fell to my knee's and left it at the altar
my heart was renewed and was blessed with a second chance
A chance to love, a chance at happiness and a life fulfilled
A love renewed is stronger then it's predecessor
more determined to survive
There came a time to make a promise
Not just any promise for any reason
but the promise of a lifetime, it could mean the end of me.
The promise to you of space will cause pain
The pain is not important if your heart is saved from the undue pressure of a premature decision.
There is hope that this promise will bode well for me, but there is no promise from you.
They always say the line if you love it let it go, but that to me is a bunch of shit!!
I believe if you really love someone you fight you give everything you have everything you are for that love.
You swear allegiance to it, you feed it, you protect it no matter what and if I ever get the chance to be loved by the other half of me I will do everything in my power to protect us and build it strong that is my true promise to you.
Where have you gone the one that soothed my troubled soul
who made me whole, who has completed me as I am not whole without you.
We were caught in a torrent of life that rocked our world and left you gone.
Is it to late to find you, to find us, to get back what was once great.
I pray daily for the mending of your heart, and the renewal of our love.
I promise to love, cherish, and to forever respect and worship your heart as if it was mine
I will carry when you cant walk, hold you when you want to collapse
support you when you need me most, and be your everything that you need me to be.
I swear to you that I will spend the rest of my days rebuilding your trust and love in me.
I cant see where I am, there are no landmarks
what I used to see that guided my heart is gone
why cant I see you? Where have you gone?
Are you lost in the darkness that surrounds me?
I wish I was alone here but through my pain I have dragged others hearts into this despair.
I pray for peace to those caught in my wake, please forgive me and find that elusive happiness that your truth. I will find peace here in the dark as it devours my soul, there is no hope it seems with my light gone one she may return till then the dark is my prison my punishment till time ends.