I see you struggle to be frank with me.
I see you choose your words so carefully.
What I do not see is what I seek,
a truth that is neither hidden nor broken.
I seek an honest you.
Life is more fragile than a flake of ice,
always threatening to break;
and that truly is such a scary, scary thing,
scary enough to frighten you into silence.
Death has its grip on each of our necks,
pinning us down into an inescapable fate.
We are but brittle little bones waiting to be broken.
But what if I could hold you more tightly than death itself?
What if I could ward away all that brings you to fret?
I truly could warm you more wholly than a ray of sun.
I could touch you more gently than a wisp of breath.
I could kiss you tenderly until your doing was undone.
I could unwind you so completely that you would writhe.
Beneath me, between me, within me... you would beg.
I could free you from any of these binds that you may have made
so that not even death could scare you now.
I could love you until the sun burnt out.
Only then would I release you,
having stripped you of such a humanly pride;
but by then, even death will have withered and died.
Yes, life is so fragile, and so are you and I;
but the things that we have found are not so easily broken.
The truths that we cannot hide are not mistaken.
The secrets that pass between our eyes are not misspoken.
We are but humans living but simple, human lives;
and, yet, we can surpass that in such easy strides.
Do not be afraid to be rough because
in the end,
at the core,
when we can degrade no more,
we are truly invincible.
Say that you love me.
Say that I'm not alone in this crazy place.
Say that you're suffering,
that you understand what's burning me alive.
Say that you can handle me in all of my entirety
because I'm no easy task to tackle.
My scars are not erasable.
They will mark my skin for the rest of my life,
reminding me of all the things that I am so ashamed of...
reminding you of every insecurity that burdens me...
reminding you that I am broken, I am damaged,
and that I lack the purity of an innocent girl...
reminding you to just give up on me.
So, please, do not linger if you will not stay.
My hands sometimes tremble in fearsome anger.
My lips are often soiled with the aftertaste of nasty words.
My feet sometimes seek out the path of danger.
My eyes demand attention. My tongue demands to be heard.
I am not always pleasant. In fact, I rarely am.
I will sometimes handle you with calloused hands.
Please, do not lie straight to my face.
Only embrace me if you have the strength to carry me on.
Tell me you love me....
He was in love with me, but I shunned him.
I turned away.
I loved another
and then sought comfort in his embrace.
I let him hold me, knowing that
I wasn't holding him back.
I let him watch me suffer at
I never gave him a chance.
I let him love me.
I tortured him
I knew what I was doing then,
but I did it anyway.
I did him so wrong because it was scary
to be in love with my best friend,
and he was letting me get away with it,
He let things go on that way
because was in love with me.
And, all the while,
I think that
I was in love with him.
What does that say
It says that you’re human,
and you don’t always know what you want
or how to get it.
If you turn around and do the right thing,
whether it be letting him go or pulling him in,
then that’ll say something else
That’ll say that you really do love him,
whether as a lover or as a best friend.
It’s time to choose
can end his suffering
because you love him.
My brother is my favorite kind
of brother that a girl could be stuck with.
My brother is quiet and calming at times,
yet, shockingly boisterous at others.
My brother is sweet and pleasing to the eye
but inside, he hides a social butterfly.
He's careless and flippant with words, you see,
but he's the best kind of brother a brother can be.
He's been troubled and crushed and left to the wolves
so he's got a soul that has aged like the earth.
I swear, sometimes he lacks empathy
but he's deeper than the credit he earns.
He can be one thing while being another.
I guess he's a lot like a shape-shifter.
Sometimes he's mean, just like a big brother to be,
but he's sharp and he's quicker than me.
While I'm stuck seeing an ass with no tact,
he's just setting himself up for the final act.
He might tear you down but
you can bet he'll build you back up.
He'll laugh in your face but he'll laugh with love.
He might seem harmless when drawn in his shell.
You'd think he was far from the kind to seek thrills
but don't be fooled by the simple side of him.
He's a hunter and it's the ladies he kills.
He's a hopeless romantic who breeds perfection.
He's the kind of boy the girls would kill for.
His charm is abundant, though, he hides it well.
My brother is the kind to cast you under a spell.
I've spoken ill of my brother at least once or twice
but with honesty up front and all jokes aside,
he's the kind of brother who daily saves my life.
He's the kind of brother I'm proud to claim.
In a moment of frenzy, our eyes meet
and in that moment I am taken to my knees.
The shackles of a mystery are restricting me,
but I still reach out for you, nonetheless.
Over the precipice of survival, you hang
and my throat grows raspy with the wail of your name.
Life itself seems to be choking me, sucking me of vitality
but I still reach out for you, nonetheless.
I comfort, "Do not fret."
My fingers are scraping savagely and
I beg myself not to fail you now.
Your fingers are laced into the earth,
clinging to what little hope that you have found.
Let your fingers be laced with mine and I swear
that I'll bring you back to solid ground.
Let your weight rest solely within my hands.
You can trust that they will support you now.
Strength is escaping me, but I still comfort with
what little breath that reaches my lungs.
It is by sheer will power that I will recover
and bind you in your own chains of love.
Your chains will not condemn you, unlike mine.
Your chains will give you the power to soar, to fly,
so that you may always be free of the gravity
that now pulls you into the underneath,
My chains are laced with some hatred that holds me back.
Though void of air as the binds crush my neck,
trust that my resolve will not suffer,
not even a crack.
I am desperate for nothing as I am desperate for you.
Though tears of fire burn holes in my skin,
I will comfort, "Do not fear." I will never give in.
I would suffer a thousand deaths before I let you slip
so easily through my fingertips.
I am pinned down by some impenetrable weight
that keeps me from changing your fate,
but I swear, once I succeed in pulling you through,
I will take your weight as my own to bear.
I am doomed as it is, having been blessed to love you so.
I will suffer the pain of a million names,
if only to keep you from the chasm below.
My limbs turn to lead. My lids sink dangerously low,
but I plunge further on to support you.
Icannot let you go.
I will not let you go.
But now my fingers are laced into the earth
and nothing escapes my mouth
but whimpers of broken sound.
I have failed you and I am chained here, forever bound,
unable to follow you into the darkness,
but I still reach out for you, nonetheless.
I have loved you, but now I am hollow.
Let that be your strength to forgive me,
if I am even worth forgiving.
There is a lifetime between us as I confess,
but I still reach out for you, nonetheless.
Pushed by peer pressure. Abused and lectured.
Float on, little dreamer. I'll remember you.
The other kids shoved her and shook her
until suicidal thoughts took her.
If anyone was listening, she would have said,
You don't take notice of me, as if I'm not even screaming
but the cuts are all plainly bleeding and I'm bruising.
She'd say, time, please. Just be good to be. Let me cease to breathe.
Then they will all be the ones losing
and she'd scream, am I really a loss or really a cost
or anything to anyone but me?
With sweaty palms and bleary eyes,
she took a gun and she took her life.
It's all so meaningless if nobody can see
that we're living in lies but calling it honesty,
letting creeds and codes patch up our moral beliefs
and we're calling it freedom and humanity.
Humanity. Is this humanity?
We let her slip through the cracks
and now, we can't get her back.
Chaos ensues behind a thin disguise.
Parents are leaving everything behind.
Gun shots are blaring and children are dying
but we keep on fleeing, not daring a glance back.
No, we won't chance that. Not for anyone or anything.
Not even me... and at the end of it all,
we just pretend that we didn't see a thing.
Not any thing. Not anything. Not a thing.
No, not even me.
Float on, little dreamer. I'll remember you.
Are you truly prepared
for everything that I am to drop down upon you,
for everything that I am in the raw truth?
Would you not prefer
the imagination of everything I could be,
to let the secrets remain a secrecy?
Could you even fathom
the things that I have done, felt, or seen
or even the things that have been done to me?
You could never forget
what I am not inclined to divulge.
These are stories that can never be untold.
The curiosity is pressing hard upon your skin
but it is suffocating once you take it all in.
Questions are gnawing at the back of your mind
but the knowledge will make you forever mine,
unable to escape the depths of me.
That is not what I want.
That is not your destiny.
You are sure to complete great, great things.
You cannot be held back by the likes of me.
Would you not prefer
to pretend that I am inexplicably cold
rather than urge the past to unfold?
Would you not rather
that we settle into blissfully honest lies
to preserve the innocence of our shared life?
What innocence you still retain
is in no debt at all to me.
I do not wish to be the burning flame
which ruins all of you in your beauty.
I am tainted. I am complex and, often, cruel.
Wouldn't you rather be ignorant of the truth?
What would you gain from unraveling me?
I feel that I will never be yours to claim.
So what's the importance of unveiling my name
when this is all just a silly game
and life is laughing on the other side?
Do not let me sink my teeth into you.
I am simply damaged and poorly disguised.
Comforting me like a lover's embrace,
the branches of an angel surround me.
She softly speaks to me profoundly
words of wisdom and of truth.
She uses her voice to soothe me
and to draw me into my dreams,
dreams in which I do not dream of you.
The arms of a guardian, laced with love,
are sweetly encompassing my somber soul.
Each day is recovery from who I once was
and the peace within me is gaining control.
I am at a senseless high, an endless ease
in which I have forgotten to breathe.
Rather than grope and gasp for air
my lungs simply settle down for the night.
As endless and dark as it will surely be,
it comforts me with dreamy sights.
I would run to settle down at your side
but the smell of her blooming flowers
are meant to entice and entice, they do.
I have already become thoughtless and empty
but it's better than being distraught by you.
The branches have strangled the life out of me
but your eyes would have bled me dry.
I could have lived a life of passionate, shapeless strife
or I could simply sleep away the night.
For the freedom from our demons, we all must pay the price.
I have chosen my poison and I will sleep away the night.
I wish only to comfort you, my beloved.
I want to dry the tears that you are weeping.
I long to mend the cracks of your heart
and to tend to your cuts and scars.
I care to caress you where you are bruised
and to smooth the tenser parts of you.
I pine to tenderly kiss your stressed neck
until you surrender beneath my breath.
I ache to feel your muscles weaken underneath me,
beckoning a connection to unwind you completely.
I may have the temper of a bull
but my touch can easily be sweet.
My words could nudge you in all the right places
if only we could just make something more of this.
For, as I stand now I am only allowed
nothing near what I truly desire.
If you’d let my fingertips explore you, dear,
then I could set your world on fire.
I wish only to love you in the most passionate way and
if you should open your eyes to invite me this change,
I would jump at the chance to kiss you.
In the arms of another you shall stay,
perfectly healthy and revitalized.
Even from thousands of miles away,
she can give you things of which I can only fantasize.
All I've got are warped opinions
and stifled cries. I can't tear my eyes
away from myself long enough to love you...
and, yet, I have grown to love you anyway,
though, I'm incapable of giving you anything.
If I could have just had the time (or brains),
I would have given you, at least, me;
and if you had grown to love me back,
then, perhaps, I would have been enough.
She will deserve you more than I ever will
and, perhaps, she needs you more than I.
I should never break what is not mine to break
but I am so desperately caught by lies.
I don't know how I've come to be
whatever it is that I have become.
All I know is that I'm so sorry
for everything I have never done.
Oh, I hope that you'll be happier
than I am doomed to forever be.
Surely, watching you thrive without me
will be harder than I care to admit.
Puff. Puff. Must I pass?
I'd really like to make this moment last,
as I take another couple of drags.
Reality simplifies as I close my eyes.
I'm not so dangerous in this state of mind.
I think I might be alright.
The inner workings of my body and mind
are spinning out of control. I'm out of control.
I'm coming out of my comforting lull.
I've lost my high and precious time.
I am nothing but the residue of resin
in the bong that is my life.
I am burnt to a crisp and extremely high,
for I cannot bear the weight of my sober mind.
Puff. Puff. Will I ever pass?
I'll never pass until I pass from this life.
I need you more than I can ever admit.
You know, my pride is too inflated to step aside
but if I could just break away from it
I'd say I need you more than ever tonight
I once cherished you because I saw love
just beyond those tortured eyes.
I felt I would never have been able to give you much
but I would have tried to give you my life
if I had only had the time.
It has been so long since I have been so lifted up
and I thought I'd never let you slip away,
but there came a girl better suited for love
and suddenly I began to fade...
and suddenly I am reminded of my place.
"Goodnight. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
I am marred by scars.
My lips are chapped to the bone,
endlessly thirsting for the touch
of anyone who cares to know
the woes of silent drone.
Bloody hands around my waist
bring the substance of me to the surface.
I cannot eat. I cannot sleep.
My mental state is far too nervous.
I am malnourished.
I am deprived of life and of service.
I cared once for love.
I cared once for the intricacies of life but
my eyes have glazed over so much
that life is merely passing me by
and I know that no one has realised.
Reality has belittled me and I am
a simple step away from my demise.
I whittle away at my fragile state
until I am nothing more than the ashes of bones.
I will pretend that I don't hate everything
as my laughs go on as suppressed moans.
My eyes remain empty. My heart, hollow.
I will clamber on, young and pitiful.
or perhaps I just won't.
I would like to think that I could have been beautiful.
Perhaps in another life at a simpler time,
I was a bit less of a crime.
I could end it in all in one clean swipe.
No need for messy goodbyes...
I writhe to escape his tightening grip
as my bones shatter below his fingertips.
A grin grows free as I grow weak
and soon I will slip into nothing,
too beaten to fight for my life.
His shivering hands which ravage my back
send splinters down my spine.
His poisoned kisses upon my neck
bring tears to my, otherwise, lifeless eyes
but I cannot cry. I'm not even alive.
These photographs are haunting me
as memories burn holes in my mind.
I'm strung up in the "once upon a time"
of what used to be smiling eyes.
My lips twitch an inch and
I think that I may be alright.
I try but my laugh is as stifled as my cries.
It didn't have to be me.
I could have grown to be a billion things
but I dare not dwell on that.
Instead I welcome a colder, stiller me
on which, pain has lost its crippling effect.
My worries seem to ceaselessly protest
themselves in the the cruelest ways.
Even he, who has destroyed my life,
is but a manifestation of my pain.
My worries bring me to be conscious of too much
and that is why I can no longer feel the touch
of anyone upon my skin.
I pretended to be numb, to prefer solidarity
but now there is no one to be there for me
when I most need a hand to reel me in.
He creeps ever so slightly,
molesting me nightly
and my soul, cold as it was,
has turned harder than stone.
I could disappear right now
and, perhaps, no one would have to know.
Spirit is alive all around me
manifested in each and every body.
We are all connected as one
by the ground that we walk upon.
Spirit, I beg, thrive within me.
Run your energy through my veins.
I dare not demand. I have not prayed,
nor completed ritual in any righteous way.
I simply danced amongst the flames
as you and the fire consumed me.
The drums beat a rhythm
that is the heart beat to connect us all.
Euphoria steadily begins to rise
and physicality begins to fall.
Soon our bodies have all been left behind
to interpret Spirit's will and
our souls have shaken their heavy chills.
Spirit enlightens our eyes
as we enter the dark night.
I felt a hand upon my shoulder.
I felt a grip upon my heart.
I felt the energy begin to heal me
as Spirit held me in her arms.
We danced all through the moonlight
until the very break of day.
Yet, even then, we asked Spirit
to keep us happily away.
We are joined as one in her sweet embrace.
We must believe in the power of love.
For, this journey has only just begun.
We must allow our souls the choice to stray
as our bodies begin their inevitable change.
Spirit will guide me.
I am not afraid.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know where I'm going
or even where I've been.
It all just appears as a drunken blur
like we're not even here...
like we never even were.
It's hours like these when I ponder the time
that I have spent adding depth to my life
that I discover things I've locked in the past.
It's the darkest of my secrets that haunt me at last.
It's the evil in me that rears its head
and the sick intentions that invade my bed.
As I lye awake, night after night,
I am driven toward the light, from this life.
Will I be delivered into serendipity
as an escape from this stifling strife?
I wish that I could outrun my flaws
and let the past be laid to rest
but even the best of the best break a few laws.
I know I cannot withstand the test.
Especially when it's a test of fraud.
For, I am fraudulent and uncertain.
It's best not to be caught in
the wake of my disturbance.
S.O.S. but keep your medics tonight.
There will be other lives worth saving.
Somber shades of gray overtake my eyes
as all reason escapes my mind.
The darkness of my closet embraces me.
Insanity entices me and I begin fumbling with things
that I never should have found in the first place.
Gray will fade to a warm shade of red,
like the blood in my bloodshot eyes.
I'm comforted by lies. Am I?
Never could I have imagined that
I'd have even a remote chance
to be here holding your hand,
as if in a dream
or an alternate reality.
You brought the sun to rise
and shine upon this fine day,
as you will bring it set.
But we will not fret
because, at the end of this day,
you will coax the stars out to play.
You have the galaxy in your hands.
You may manipulate my world as you please
and I will work out a sweet melody
to ease our wondrous eyes.
Perhaps a tune to keep us immune
to the world outside of our minds.
I know it to be in but a dream
that I could ever acquire you.
It is such an endless shame to wake up
when my dreams have dreamt me such a love.
He is breaching my boundaries.
I've taken many measures against these endeavors
but success does not merely escape, it abandons me.
All things cower and flee from his gaze.
Even my walls seem to disintegrate before him.
My waters dry as if it were the hottest season.
My frail mind succumbs to an act of treason
and old habits begin to unhinge me.
I have fought to remain quite the mystery.
Those who have thought to unravel me,
more oft than not, leave with empty hands.
I have learned to be strong and impenetrable
but it seems that my strength will be
the end of everything that is remotely me,
whatever it is that I am.
For, it is that strength which makes me weak
enough for his reach to all too easily deceive me.
Insanity is breaking me apart
and the pressure has driven me mad.
Mad. Mad. Mad. Mad.
Oh, yes, those old habits do ease me
and the sick sense of it all pleases me.
I'm left with only the slightest essence of sanity.
I have pushed my way through life,
denying what I could hardly live without,
but I just haven't the piece of mind
to push away what I must be rid of now.
This is one battle I must say that I will never win.
I will bleed myself dry before I am free
of insanity and his harrowing grip.
I will bleed.
A slipping grip on reality betrays me
and I've fallen into the space between.
I am not yours nor am I my own.
I don't know where I am
and I don't know where I'll go.
My wandering mind comes to you
from the very moment that I open my eyes.
I believe I would cut all of my worldly ties
and follow you into the darkness,
if you ever left my side.
All of the warning signs point to commitment
but I cannot quite commit to it.
I just can't see it through.
I buckle beneath your welcoming eyes
but my mouth stays ever dry, barren of words.
My body is an oasis of romantic seas
but there is no way for me to release
all that lies within.
So I just step back again...
It may be a product of fear.
Perhaps, a product of deceit
but I avoid the disclosure like a disease.
I simply wait in the space between.
I'm stuck in the space between.