it's as if
I don't know
any other way to cope
to deal
I just want to
take the blade to my skin

like it solves everything
right?

only a little blood
only a small scar
only a constant reminder
of being fucking WEAK

I'm choking on my own breath
trying to fight this urge

oh God help me

I want to give in so bad
I'm so weak
I'm weak.

I have to hold my heart from coming out of my chest
I need to realize that I can't treat this time like the rest
need to change the patterns and let go of the mess
stitch up the wounds and think about it less
I'm always stepping into puddles that turn as deep as the ocean
always asking myself can others feel deep devotion?
I'm scared but still walking the smallest step at a time
although my emotions fly out without me even trying
always falling so fast and trusting to soon
pushing all away with fear, leaving me to consume
over thinking, over bearing, God, I can't stand my mind
why can't I take breather?, just a minute would be fine
but if I have no hope then I'll awlays be in darkness
And I can't let myself go there again cause I made myself a promise
I just have to keep my head up, even though my heart is on a sleeve
keep a smile, cause if I give up now, when will I ever believe?

ah fuck
I'm dreaming again

I should wake up
but it feels so good
hmm.....

always to quickly,
I close my eyes

drunk with emotion
and passion
and hope



don't wake me up.

can you just fuck my brains out
and pretend to love me?
I'd greatly appreciate the distraction
the feeling of being wanted
your affection
DEVOUR ME PLEASE
make me feel
anything

anything but this brokeness
this twisted shit

do anything you want to me
just need me
need me
need me
need me

fuck the pain away
till I'm numb
till I bleed
till words ceast to exist

cause I can't stand these thoughts
fuck me into oblivion

I don't want to care anymore
I don't care anymore

how can you cause me so much pain?
it's almost been a year now
so much has changed
your name rarely passes my lips
but I am always dreaming about you
my last thought of the night
my first thought when I wake

always


you said always..

the weight of my burdens
prayers of them being lifted
the depth of my scars
stories turned into glorification
I am unworthy of your name
I've cursed you and forsaken you
I tried to fight it all on my own
only to be shown this battle
was one of many -
a war against myself
pushing away your open arms
please God
forgive me for being so foolish
I know you can change this
this empty feeling
praise you and your hand
so graciously healing
I am so undeserving
and yet you love me
all of me
the indistinct grey matter of nothing
my dark
and because of you
my light

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

I am simply a vessel,
a container for rage
fear
a subject to test

I do not control my mind

my mind controls me.

dive down deeper then deep
fall
fa-fa-fa-fall


embrace the impact

crash of
your body
            and
                   the water
                           the surge of bubbles
                         the mountains of ripples

gulp
gasp
grab for air

the water turns to fire
in your lungs

fading
into the black
of the sea

take me away
tuck me under the grains of sand
burry my soul

the innocence

of the intial jump
the first foot off the ledge

these words like daggers
that you throw around
piercing the flesh
and soul

you must not know your own strength
because you can move a mountain
you can break the bend
remold a heart

all with these words
these tragic words

only some understand
these letters... can move you
these words...can change you
a sentence... can wound you

only some see the invisible force
that you can make crumble and decay

you haven't felt it
your own words
like daggers

you'd walk right through my mind
and out my heart
leaving a open wound
bleeding through out the day
the image and story line
again and again
the dream catcher
over my head
hanging above my bed
the dream catcher
you gave me
you haunt me
let me go
cause I can't let you go
alone
feels like forever
I took it down
maybe now
I won't see you
unless I want to
less than a memory
more than a feeling
and yet its not you that I miss
it's.....then
I miss then
you were just a part of 'then'

Turn the white moon red
flood it
with darkness
fire atop water
but only
with the oil
the bond
It holds us
seals us
burning and drowning
turning our moon
blood red
and our own will
we bow to it
worship it
the choices that create it
we dance to our own sad death
yes you will succumb
its most alluring to the eye
the pleasure in the pain
join us
help us
we will scream with punctured lungs
TILL THE MOON BLEEDS RED

through the window, hands moving
wires crossing, tubes looping
three men, brave men
trying their hardest
you could see it in their movements
-dont let go just yet-
-we're almost there-
praying to the Lord as I watch helpless
one sits down
loosing hope
finally the exit
then the lights flashing
and the sad piercing cry of the sirens
oh the sirens
all cars move, hospital on the right
and I'm crying
wondering hoping praying. crying
for this stranger
I saw from a window
driving alone in my car

yes, some days I can get up
be normal, get dressed
be pretty, smile

some days
but not all

other days
I seem to be... paralyzed
starting with my heart
can't move
don't care to

those days
stretch time to unimaginable lengths
as far as thee eye can see
misery

today
I wish for tomorrow

I was someone else
different

today I am
alone

no peace in this silence
no wage in this war

tormented shadows
my shadow
a bit darker than usual

the sun was
brighter
5 days ago...

the ocean
vast nothingness
dark waves
crash and receed
dive into me
make me feel
not so
empty