Silas
I used to afraid of everything and everyone. Fear immobilized me.
Frozen into a paralysis of emotions and resentments. I stopped growing.
I slowly started dying on the inside one day at a time. I wanted to fade away.
Today, I am still afraid, but not frozen in fear. I walk towards them.
I am not alone today, and my heart fills up with hope. Love guides me through,
Slowly my heart and soul is awakening on the other side. to a life open to the present.
I was afraid of silence
The type of silence that felt heavy and oppressive.
The silence before my father's fists would land on flesh.
But there's another type of silence, one that is freeing.
The silence before laughter, silence that connects.
The silence that feels like the Great Void, infinite and whole.
silence that bridges all the
fragments of pain and longing.
silence before
flowering
of
LOVE
the vast silence explodes into the night
i am lost in thought,
but found in solitude
God seems so infinitely silent,
and yet the Word spoke
in the void
silence awakens in me a new life
love breaks into me
in the quiet solitude of the night
i am filled with gratitude
joy for life
love for connection
peace for forgiveness
serenity for things i cannot change
courage to face my fears
wisdom to ask for help
laughter while playing
life to be present
shik-gu
the word and idea had the
power to make me tense involuntarily.
it's strange how we hurt the people
we love the most.
for a long time, i lived my life like a tornado,
not caring who i hurt. often the people in my
path of destruction were my um-ma, ap-pa and
hyung [momma, pa, and brother].
time heals all wounds or it can make deep resentments
fester. i'm glad i've chosen to walk the path of cleaning
up the wreckage of the past.
today, my family still aggravates, but see them for who they
are, people with their failings and strengths like me.
and little by little, i walk the path towards embracing
my own humanity, my brokenness and all.
a year has flown by twenty-four-hour living no longer
12 months, 365 days is all i have to live today, afraid of the
of my life. with a breath in and out. future.
new friendships made, my breath leads me to my no longer
old ones mended, and heart and my soul finds ashamed of the
some let go. peace. past.
i've found hope this life is lived one moment no longer
past year, and a community at a time, when i choose to escaping the
that helps me live in hope. embrace it all. present.
i was a child of chaos
always chasing after that dark oblivion.
i thought i could fight loneliness with a bottle, but
it only brought more pain and emptiness.
now i seek peace.
i'm walkin' the road of connection,
where sometimes i have to feel by pain, joy, and loneliness.
never thought walking through fear would bring me a joyful life, despite
the ups and downs of life. i've also learned that i do not have
to walk this path alone.
. bodies more
colliding than an
gently in emotion
infinite tied to physical
space and time connection,
unfolding into and yet found
each other in carnal lust.
and becoming a language spoken
one. in silence.
broken bodies with open hearts
call forth inner change
my mind seeking for peace
releases into infinity in a simple touch.
i fell in love with the Tao,
when i wandered the mountains of Korea
as a child.
i cannot name the Tao,
or hold it conceptually like religious deities
unspoken.
i love the Tao,
when my heart is aflame in the great reality of
now.
i am fully alive,
when i flow with the great
Tao.
compulsion erupts into desire
molded into empty shame.
sexual desire gone awry,
when all i wanted was
not to feel alone.
desire burst into a full on
obsession, and the loneliness
i tried to fill only gets bigger and
bigger.
A life built on lies only lead to
more shame and guilt.
It wasn't until I desired to try
something different that I became
free of compulsion.
I am free.
Alive to live my life,
Moment to moment.
Free to
Run into
Eternity with
Ease and peace.
little moments break
into thousand little
fragments colliding into
space and time
i used to think i was spiritual,
when in reality i was really
chasing oblivion.
oblivion is bottomless and black,
but paradoxically it can be solid earth
in which i rise out of
with the help of LIFE
and LOVE.
it's a mystery that
God does not hate me.
everyday, i choose to
believe in a God that loves
me for
me.
i'm no longer that shy awkward kid
that walked this path 10 years ago.
maybe a part of me will always be that kind, but today
i'm also a man in his 30s walkin' tall.
i used to chase oblivion, because
it's all i knew how to do.
i embrace peace, even at the price of boredom, and
welcome silence even when it means being alone.
I'm always starting and stopping
trying something new and being stuck in the past.
Today is a new day. I greet it with a deep breath
letting go of my need to control, and just be
Comatose, frozen to new possibilities.
Living in fear of a future yet to unfold.
Being present to here and now is so damn hard.
Becoming aware of this new day with an open heart/mind
. duality diversity
lost found
in void
yin yang
male female
energy flowing
dark light
finite infinite
destroy create
death life
in out
loneliness intimacy
letting go holding firm
walking with walking away
moving out moving in
embracing silence cuddling chaos
making out sitting alone
loving fully craving love
loosing fear desiring power
past actions future promise
healing wounds festering resentments
being aware choosing ignorance
centering prayer running away
sharing life hording death
.
presence is love
interwoven web given
freely created to
saturated into creation
breathing life for
infinitely always illuminating
. is life VOID
God breathing into the
O
D g
God is love n
i
God is space d
i o
s breath l
p
laughter x
e
life is like jazz
sometimes all you can do
is improvise
based on the template you know
doing the best you can
going with the flow of life.
musical notes blending
into one,
sometimes blaring into cacophony of sound.
time breaks
down to a single moment
becomes infinite
free of perception
breathe deep
breathe free of worries
in
and
out
silence breaks into silence
movement becomes stillness
silence and stillness
merge
into
o
n
e
