There is this girl that I know.
She dreams in large doses that swallow her up.

She shies away from reality
as consistently as she shies away from me.

She sees the world in black and white,
with paper clouds and dull surroundings
Even when I tell her of all of the colors.

And she always clings to the possibility of love and acceptance,
as if they are the origin of her beating heart.

But still she believes
The world is a big and scary place, waiting to consume her.
That all of the possibilities it holds pressure her to be better, to excel.

She takes the things she has for granted,
and believes that happiness is something that takes an army to achieve,
And she doesn’t have a kingdom.

But how she is wrong,
Her dreams are made up of a gifted imagination that can take her anywhere.
Reality is nothing to fear, nor something to fight.
And the world is her canvas, ready to absorb whatever she desires.

She has nothing to fear,
The world is herbivorous, and feasts on happy endings.
All that’s asked of her is to be sincere and experience happiness,
no matter where that takes her.

But mostly what she doesn’t understand,
Is that she is surrounded by soldiers ready to fulfill their duty.
That love and care for every piece of her,
Honorable or
morose.
And as long as they are there to guide her,
she is invincible.

To live in this beautiful free world,
Is to live in an abode of possibilities.

Were the trees whisper secrets,
bending their skeletal bones to achieve their one desire.

The wind carries life on diverging paths,
Not knowing which direction it is taking till the last possible moment.

Were the sun cakes you with memories,
and allows you to dream of freedom in the most ambiguous ways possible.

Where water carries a current that steals away your troubles,
Carrying them down the winding river frigid with savage desires.
And the rush,
Rush of water is like blood, coursing through your veins and carrying
full responsibility for your parched temptations.

These are things that you never see-
You never appreciate.
Even when these images and feelings and thoughts are POUNDING on your eyelids,
Attempting to find sanctuary in your mind.

Open yourself up, and
Feel the glory of life.

Because the one thing you never do is appreciate the dips and curves and mountains and valleys and
Oceans
Of people.
It contains.

We were talking about me getting a car.
A shiny new piece of metal on wheels
Or a clunk
clunk
clunk
clunker that carries my weight
and take me far
far
far
far
away.

But then life got in the way.
And there was a knock
knock
knock
knock
on the door.
And it was answered.
and words were said.

and I fell to pieces
by the weight
of
those
words.
I used to think that things got better before they got worse.
That dreams were drempt and it took so
so
so
so
long to make it to the bottom
of all bottoms.

That it was a gradual fall that took time,
so many
ticks
of a
clock.

And
beats
of a
heart.

But I seem to just now be learning
how impossible
it is
to stay afloat
in the raging rivers
that constantly beat me down,
called life.

I’m chasing myself in circles.
Running
Darting
Spinning
Out of control

To attempt to destroy
And to succeed in destroying

I don’t like how I feel.
And stopping it is the only solution my confused mind can conclude.

So I chase
I follow, and long for,
And go insane with the desire to quench my negative thoughts.

I just hope one day,
That this tail that I am constantly chasing,
Will grow an inch
And find itself
Crushed between my teeth.

I had an Elephant when I was little.
It was my favorite companion,
And was small in size but large in life.

He cradled my heart in his plush paws,
And held my world apron his back.

It was well worn with Love and Memory,
And wore the weight of my troubles as a skin.

His color was blue, and was just big enough to hold close.


I had an Elephant when I was little.

He was small, yet large.
He held my heart and my world,
And was a silent hero with no pay.

It's skin was worn with memories,
And it was just big enough to hold close.

I had an Elephant when I was little.
Have you seen it?

Because I am lost without it.

My wants
are taken from me.

My needs are controlled.

I feel trapped in this Free World.
And nothing I do can quench my impossible desires.

I am starved.
And my exhausted body is slowly breaking down.

Because it can no longer carry my being.
My body is so broken I do not have the strength to carry on.

I have convinced myself that life is a punishment, not a gift.
And
I
am
Falling.

But you caught me.
You didn't let me fall.

YOU saved me in my weakest moment.
And without you, I would be lost in oblivion
Too dead to even dream of living.

So Thank You,
By saving me and giving me the gift of life,
You became my Hero.

Pain rivets within me.
It takes on a form I cannot penetrate,
and spreads throughout every part of me.
Taking all good with it.

I have long since been dead.

And my body has been trampled on by the feet of my foes.

But still my Spirit Lingers,
Waiting to finally be set free.
Of This Curse.

Everything Beautiful inside of me is taken.

Everything that framed my body has cracked.

Everything that once molded who I was and what I wanted to become has shattered.

Everything healthy inside of me has hollowed out and left completly.
And I feel dead inside.

So I curse my features,
       For they do not follow suit.

And I am broken.

But a solid mask is stuck in place,
masking my truths from any followers.

So I stay peaced together.

Hiding from my true form.


So well that I hide from myself

This world consumes me.
It devours me and weakens me.

Everything I do and say is seen through thousands of eyes
Every mistake I make adds to the problems of the people around me.

So I fight to stay standing,
I fight to stay strong,
And I fight to be perfect.

Not only do I strive for perfection,
I overlook my pain.
I overlook my happiness.
And I overlook my life.

For you.

I am tired of being weak.
I used to think that I was strong.
That I could conquer even the biggest problems.

But I have come to the realization that my pain,
was caused by my weaknesses.

I am not strong, I am not courageous.

I am frail.

And at this moment, I seem to be at the point of breaking.

Because even though I have fought for peace.

Pain and sorrow still follow me. And they always beat me.

What do I do?
  I will continue to live, but How can I live Happily?

There is a difference in the world.
The air is sharper,
The days are brighter.
My smiles are true,
And happiness seems to radiate off of me.

And life is easier to bare.

But there are still times.
Times were I lose myself.
I lose myself in the world I escaped.

I am lost in hell.


And I want more than anything to get out.

But I am slipping.
The strong hold I thought I had has failed me.
I have plunged into my fears.

And I desperately trying to re-surface.
Trying to take a breath of the fresh air.
Take in the colors of the world I was forced out of.
  The world I long to return to.

I find myself frantically searching for a way out,
Searching for the hand that will reach in and rescue me.

I run.
I scream.
I cut and yell and KICK

But I am lost,
I am stuck.

And in those times I feel like I am dying.
I feel like I cannot trust life and the obstacles that are thrown at me.

So I sink.

And I hope,
that somewhere out there, a miracle will find me.

And save me.

Here I am,
as one person.

As one being.

Expecting the world to change around me,
  Before I change myself.

I feel selfish,
  thinking that I would drop everything I know without hesitation
Just for a different place in the world.

because let's face it;

   I am just another player.
And this game we call life is so much bigger than me.

I have won this game.
oh, Have I won this game.

You threw hell at me, with full force.

I may have stumbled, but I am still standing.

And everyday, when I realize that I could have failed.

I think of you, how I left you there, only a bad memory.
I think of my Complete Victory.
And
How
I
Beat
You.

This Is How I Know.

How I know
            I have finally lost this game.

But not only have I come to my end,
I have lost my way.

I have lost my strength
and my freedom.

Afraid,
          Perhaps
Of how this game not only changes the plot,
But also the player.

I am fragile.
But I am strong.

You are Alive,
but struggle to stay standing.

You have Spirit,
But only on the days vulnerability and insecurity aren't constant companions.

But my world has changed.
Utterly and Completly.

While yours remains the same.

Too much to Bare

Too much to Carry

Too Long to HOLD


And you just stand there watching.

Standing there-
Staring at my reflection,
I actually see
Myself for the first time in years.

My body and my mind are finally one again.

My Blue Eyes

The Freckles on my face

The Dimples of my cheeks

The waves of my hair


These things have always been mine.
Finally feel like they belong.

Show me a story.
Show me a story were anything
and EVERYTHING
is a surprise.

A story were nothing is expected.
Where I can relish and crowd myself with
Envy because of the adventures
I am discovering.

It may not be first-hand,
as I wish.

But it is as close as I can get
to this world I long to thrive in.

And it is as far as I can get,
from the predictable reality everyone lives.

Making Easy Lives seem like Constant Battles.

I Have Been Fighting This Battle

My opponent is 5 times my size,
and 50 times my strength.

And as the fight goes on,
it begins to grow.
And I begin to shrink.

So before long it is towering over me.

STOMPING OUT all the fight I have left.


In this game the hero looses.

But the Devil goes down with me,
because without the fight,
or the victim.

The Devil has no peace.

If my fight is over,
Then why does it feel
Like I am running a Marathon?

Why does it always feel like I am
Desperate for air, wanting this fight to be over?

Why does it always feel like I am
looking for a way around the challenges
that are constantly being thrown in my direction?

Why do I always feel weak,
But strong enough to admit it?


Because you are living life.
And in life you are always running,
even if nothing is chasing you.

I love you comfort
I love you control
I love you Stranger

And I want you to know

That my thoughts
are with you,
every step of the way.

And I would like to guide you
To the place
You
     Long
            To
               Stay

Hear my Scream
As I am taken from this world.
This world I call my own.

Hear my scream
As I fight for my survival.

And feel my PAIN
as I lose the battle.

And longer belong to myself.

I have changed,
My BODY is
no longer part of
        my MIND

It has its own actions.
And chooses to TAKE
all the strength from my soul.

So notice as I fall.
      And finally break.


Because my sacrifice has been made.
What good is life

If I am
living hell.