My arms once sheltered your treasures,
Held your children's creations and crystal angels for all to admire
But they weren't strong enough to hold on to you

And now I lay paralyzed, curbside,
Caked in a chrysalis of tinsel and abandonment
Never to emerge as anything more beautiful than my December splendor

This is no hibernation, no vacation
But rather a cessation of my stay
For I will light your night nevermore

I may not be able to keep a grip on my feeble needles,
or on my skirt, so brutally ripped away
But I did keep something of yours

Don't I have a right to spite?
My fate was sealed tighter than the hermetic plastic casing
of the Mattel toys wrapped beneath me

So a souvenir of my stay, an overlooked ornament
Is tucked, camouflaged, into my depths
Forever mine, for reminiscence and revenge alike

Bitterness
"What an appropriate name," she thought
"for this foul feeling that tastes so akin to bile."

She ran her tongue along the ridges of her hard palate,
hoping that her saliva might creep into every crevice
and cleanse her being of this sharp vindictiveness -
Sour anger that left a trail of puncture-wound footprints across her shrinking heart

Equally corrosive and repulsive as it flowed through her bloodstream
She clenched her fists in an attempt to catch the feeling before it traveled another inch
As physical as it it felt - running through her, running over her -
she eventually came to understand that her ailment was far from physical

When she could no longer stand it, she fell to her knees
And prayed to a God in whom she'd never believed
The intellectual in her pushed Him away with embarrassment
The seven-year-old in her embraced Him like a dearly missed imaginary friend

An internal tug-of-war ensued, but was short lived
The vivacious strength of her young heart
Quickly lost to the tired feebleness of her old mind
She set aside her pride, calling out the suppressed longings of her soul

Much to her surprise, she felt an immediate loosening of ties
Weights lifted; beliefs shifted - everything seemed to fall into place
She let out the deep, deep breath she'd unknowingly held
And recognized a feeling of ease and serenity that had evaded her for months

She realized with a smile that she was grateful for the bile
For without its damage, she never would have met her healer

Flying

is not some motion
caused by wings
or a propeller of sorts //
But rather a freedom
that comes with the absence of weight

And today
I soar.

Handed off my styrafoam box to a man on the sidewalk
Cause my weekend menu of reservations has no room for leftovers

"Take me directly to the salon, driver"
I chipped a nail earlier... and it's urgent because
I would never pat myself on the back with unmanicured hands!

There once was a boy who knew

her lines were drawn in the sand
he knew where she chose to stand
but he ebbed and flowed like the tide
and washed all her lines away

the tides tumultuously turned:
took off running and left her burned
when he whose first step seemed harmless
acted thoughtlessly against her No's

quickly the sand turned quick
her body began to stick
- to his, and she sank
unwillingly into his rhythms

forever changed her rhythms, her course
with the force of his own (inter)course
Ignored her Pleads
for the sake of his "needs"

recollections slightly blurred
but it's unfogged that he heard
he Knew.
he knew.

Busied myself
and missed yesterday
     marking three years since you

Flat on my back
enveloped by the contrast
of warm light above and cold rock below

Remove the unobtrusive speakers from my ears
that now seem so obtrusive in this other world
this outside world
As I exchange the music I carry with me
for the music the wind carries
The music this world carries

I open one eye to peek skyward
And am forced to squint
finally to blink shut
my pupil overwhelmed by the grandeur of
The sun

- wait, no. A second squint reveals
only vibrant leaves turned
to blazing shades of warmth,
Backlit by the glow of that big daytime star
How can foliage produce so great a radiance?

And I lay to rest my worries
lay to rest the day's commotion
For the squirrels cause the only commotion here

Yet their antics cannot disturb me
As long as this unending water flows, undisturbed
The rocks in its path not obstacles but
friends she kisses on her endless journey
past them
past me and my thoughts
Carrying my heaviness away

The stream of water
A stream of light from above
My stream of consciousness
Mingled with the stream of birds' chatter
All circulating the one great question:
          Why return indoors?

Friday Evening
The snowflakes fell, cold
Your coat on my shoulders, warm
The night, idyllic

Saturday Afternoon
Empty park, blue sky
Walking, streaming thoughts of us
This big world is ours

Sunday Morning
I did the crossword
Your name among its answers,
My constant answer

You can put meat in the ice chest
but that doesn't make it any less raw
Just conserving its substance until the thaw

Like the wound you carved in my chest
that has the rawness of day one
Of day two, at best

In keeping it from rotting, I've preserved your power
Beneath frozen crystals that sparkle like your eyes do
Like my eyes used to

You froze my heart, twice
Paused it with your hand when it first grazed mine
Made it rigid again with your final line

So I'm putting it all out on the counter
to begin the emancipating thaw
Hoping the runoff floods my essence and carries away your presence

Caverns of hurt
Full of things I won't allow myself to feel
Threatening to surge out,
Carrying all of my taboos

hold it in

The behemoth of sadness; my Atlas
Carrying my pain atop his shoulders
Threatening to drop it upon me
And watch my world shatter

stay strong

A place for everything, and everything in its place
The box under my bed holds photos of your face
Wipe down the mirror until your reflection's erased

It's the only place I know to start
A catharsis on my part
First my room, then my heart

Crowded loneliness

                       They dance          I sit
          Their hands held high          My fingers clenching the temples of my lowered head
             Shouts of joy arise          Tears converge into two flowing cheek rivers
                    Such unity          I am on the outside
Sweating from movement          Surrounded by their heat
             Let us join hands          I must get out
                                               So I'm running
                                                             ­   Fleeing
                                                         Down the stairs, out the door
                      The slap of cold hits me like a body check, a reality check
                                And I know I will not turn back
              
                      If I'm going to be alone and outside
                                   I will be so by choice.

I sat unaccompanied
Though not alone
I had the crossword and my thoughts
Wishing I had brought a sweater

But then you smiled
And it melted the cold
Hot apple pie beneath a hill of frozen vanilla

And I could no longer tell if my goosebumps
Were from the cold vinyl chair against the backs of my legs
Or your sudden raw presence

I saw you approach the counter of supplements
And walk right on by
I wanted to tell you
I drink it black too

It was Tuesday, a little after 4

Maybe you always come here Tuesdays
                                                             ­         a little after 4

So you can be sure I'll be back here
                               Tuesday, a little after 4

I want to see if there's anything else we might share
Besides our dislike of cream and sugar
And this moment at the coffee shop