Handled
she felt with care
and sank in emotions
molasses into honey
she trickled slowly into blood

waiting
watching
shadows slowly getting larger
as they descended in a long slow motion
graceful swans of decay
an orchestra serenaded their way
deep into the pit of her soul
vultures nibbled at flesh
slowly blackening every piece

wondering
at the failure in her
the peaceful lax
she left her house
less and less
each day

vibrating
the screen commanded her attentions
a double life
that never existed
sordid communications
invitations left ignored

slowly sinking
the shadows ate her away
the lightbulbs dimmed each day
slowly blinking out
she did nothing
and covered her room in darkness
holed away
safe and secure
no change to report

she once
thrived
on change
living on desperation
and white rice
and fear
filling the holes in the walls
with toothpaste and
love born out of
loss and anarchist ideals
too many years spent
feeling like the caged bird
that sang because music
was the only joy
the only escape
the only way to feel free

still
she felt loss
ignored it with any substance available
still dripping and missing
wanting sex and a lovers touch
a lovers comfort
she felt incomplete

unable to break the barrier to true friendship
few saw past
the exterior
isolated and alone

drank
every last drop
her beauty
she left thrown around
carelessly
she dressed only for herself
and sang
alone

Sweet-faced Jay
just-want-to-help-the-girls-Jay,
call you before the sun comes up,
still half-drunk
fancies-himself-a-pimp, Jay
take-a-fat-bong-rip-like-the-girls-do Jay,
then falls asleep
and asks questions ten times
but never listens for the answer,
white-mexican pimp from the hippie suburbs
his own name tattooed on his forearms
who's in it for the biz-ness
You-can-do-anything-you-want-Jay,
but still,
you're beautiful,
and if your boyfriend don't tell you that
ten times a day
you'd better dump his ass – Jay
cause I'm not in it for the money, says Jay
this-isn't-the-easy-way-out,
but do you think you could?

Sweating like pigs
we avoid everyone's gaze
because in the world I grew up in
a second glance meant
giving them a chance;
blinged out heels
and tight shorts
leaves no one to guess at who we are
but we don't give a fuck –

order our burritos
nothing special here
double large horchatas
and my hair seems too straight all of a sudden
but we're too high to be
overly self-conscious
or at all
so we laugh to each other
loudly
pretending
we're the only ones
there

I've got dreams and they've led me to you
won't say much but they're pretty bad too
you don't have time but you know that I do...

I am darkness
Your old friend
Here to let the sun shine in
I am the places you never look
the crooked window and the closed book
the cracks and the spaces in between
I am the one who forgot to wear green
I am the one who never leaves traces
the only one you see in a sea of faces
I am the one who keeps you up all night
the one making noises by dim candlelight
I am the relief you never knew you needed
the only monster left in a house called haunted

I am the rage in every crashing wave
all the lonely ones that they couldn't save

I am the one you've known your whole life
I am the one that was holding the knife
I am the one who watches over your sleep
I am every single secret you promised to keep
the fear that surfaces when you dive too deep
I am the blink of an eye, the doubletake
I am what is hidden beneath everything fake
I surround every crack that lets light in
I am the one lurking by every sin
I am what you see when you close your eyes
I am the reason behind every disguise
I am the empty bottle you dump outside
and once I'm around you're along for the ride

twice thrice now
the eyes they kick
and beat against
the lashes hiding light
and fragility of flesh
leaves bruises and lovebites
marks made with careless abandon
left later to list lost loves
again eyes blink
as lips kiss

Mother always knows best
the one thing you could do
better than anyone
was make me doubt myself.
love, that terrible curse;
is freedom really so important?
some people trap themselves;
i would know, i'm one.
you can never truly be free,
not in love.

love traps-
choices, you must choose,
choose me? i understand now
why you left - it wasn't me.
there is so much in the world, you said;
you left.

freedom is when there is no one.
freedom is when you stand
naked
in the woods
alone
and you SCREAM
and there are no obligations
just you and the bare fucking earth;
and you pick up some leaves -
damp, they stick to you like a second skin -
and you eat them,
one by one.
and they taste
exactly like freedom would;
if it existed.

I.
brewing and brawling, bronzing
she cries
the mighty blue-tailed
golden hawk of the skies
she screeches and crones
for the souls in her bones
that she hides away
bides away, flies away, souls.
souls she collects,
to tinker and check
to see if their wailing is loud-
loud as it goes
proud as it goes
an ego as big as is tall:
a square of dementia
and a sprinkle of manic
lead you to think she is largely just panic
frantic and tied
the souls she must hide,
to tide away, bind away,
find a way free -
free from the earth,
its land and its girth,
free from the sea,
its waters and needs,
free from the fire,
burning desire,
loosed to the air,
its wings without care
fighting and lighting
the sky in her path
the soul-binding hawk
slowly wanders back

II.
one by one
faintly they come
daintily and faintly
quaintly, they come;
the souls, how they tremble,
quiver and weep
through the slightest of all tiniest cracks do they creep
whining, entwining, smiling they float
burning passion and love,
all on one music note:
dripping and dropping
they dangle and sway
floating, just floating, ever slightly away

III.
souls having sex and souls bemoaning love
wailing and flailing, as soft as a dove;
perfect, he says, are the shape of your breasts,
lovely, she responds, i'm sick of taking tests -
no one will know, they like to pretend,
but obvious was their means to an end;
switching and curling, lipping they smack
the man over the head, whose head is on crack
and sad they all are, demented instead,
inside of their heads they are missing a screw
brightly, tightly, they hold on to their due

a fear from the pit of your stomach;
a fear of the pit of your stomach -
a fear for everything that it could be,
a fear for whatever it was.
a fear for the year,
of the future, ruined
of fending for oneself -
a fear for your life
overshadowed, foreshadowed
a fear for him
and all he could be
a fear to tell anyone -
a fear of that pudge on your side.
a fear for the life inside,
the crackling flame it brings,
the meaning, the loss
a fear of the woman i could be,
a fear of the woman i am.
a fear so deep you feel like a butterfly,
like a thousand butterflies,
all living inside your abdomen
with the fury of something
that wants to be,
that could be,
that could never be.
a fear of what it is, and of what it isn't.
a fear of everything
you don't know,
of making the wrong decision,
of killing a part of yourself,
of killing someone else.
i am afraid i won't know
what to do without you;
i am afraid to know myself
before i am ready,
because maybe i am something
that i never planned to be,
maybe i did everything all wrong,
or maybe i did it alright;
but the fear haunts me still
it is unknown,
it is fear, crystallized,
alive

blatantly, the rabbit nibbles
on bits of starlight caught, dwindles
in the teeth of time
its furry foe with eyes of lime
they care for none and none for it
it simply nibbles on starlight, sits

twilight, that husky phase
when your face loses its meaning
because i am so close to it
i could kiss it
but you're not here - not now -
and you could be anything,
anything at all -
sometimes i see you in others;
a man crossing the street with a shock of
curly hair - i could reach out and
twine my fingers in those twisted curls once again
pull my face closer and smell
the half curry half fire smell
that was you.
you always said i smelled of sleep
but how do you sleep now?
alone, our bodies curl against pillows
we create shapes that feel familiar
but pillows don't generate body heat
we are cold, alone.
nothing i could say or do would change the you,
the you i love, the you that leaves,
the way that leaves drift to the ground
from the tops of trees in the fall,
falling because that's all they can do,
falling because it was never meant to be any other way,
falling because gravity says so.
i'd leap into the ocean to smell that salty crinkle
in your eyes, and i'd leap over the tallest fence
if only you would have danced, but
sometimes you just take what you've got,
and you won everything
while i sat by
and watched you leaving me.
you were always the luckiest of the lot,
you'd find the best in exchange for the worst,
and if i know anything
i'd hug you
if you were here, right now, with me

a boy with scales for a face
blinks
as the world behind him
dissolves
and the sounds slowly fade
the world still revolves
but he’s seen her eyes
as blue and endless as the oceans he loves
and he will love her, too, someday,
but he remembers a deer he saw
it’s head cracked open on the cold pavement
of the sidewalk corner
it’s legs propped up against
the bottom of the traffic light pole
just that morning
and he falters with sadness
just long enough
to lose her
in the faceless, oceanless crowd
so he runs
to find her again

green and filmy algea
whispers by the lone
sea cucumber,
caressing it as it struggles
to suction itself
lower
than the outgoing tide.
its movements, though minuscule,
move it towards the bottom of the tide pool
but not quite fast enough -
a rock could erode
faster than the sea cucumber
could crawl.
but still it moves
with the tenacity of something
that does not realize it is in danger.
and although it is fighting,
it knows not that it is fighting
but merely
goes on.

a roaring galloping rhino comes,
steam-billowing from his thick nostrils
the earth beneath his feet trembling
his body rippling with musculature -
when suddenly!
a rat, the size of an elephant bursts
on to the scene, challenging the might of
the dinosaur sized rhino and they begin
to engage in battle -
fierce and unexpected, paws against hooves,
rough fur against thick hide; size against fury
the two attack, repeatedly, with no clear victor
emerging just yet
and you watch with a separated interest
from the height of a treetop where a
carefully crafted fort resides;
none of it seems particularly strange,
until you wake up a minute later,
and wonder what it could possibly mean

independent of time and space
webs of light creep into reality
surrounding a white rabbit
who simply stares at me
as electric visible energy
crackles and curls around its
simple shape, only to
disappear in a flash of blue spots in my
vision that tells me
I am about to faint
yet I stand
and begin to sing

a white bird
with rays of light for wings
can fly straight up from
the ground to
the milky clouds above
leaving behind only
a flutter of leaves
and brings with it
only an idea

chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
your sun dances over head and
aching skeletons rattle their bones,
drinking bottomless cups of sand
swept up with the dry wind into their eyes
and garments that rot and rag about their femurs
as they smile dangerously and wink

chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
a small brook turns into a fierce demon
sweeping eddies full of names into its depths
and the meek grizzlies paw at
the rotting bits of fish left on the shore
who gulp in deadly heaps of air
for their water-ridden lungs
chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
leaving an abandoned shock of metal
as a refuge for the lonely
and frostbitten potatoes are the only accompaniment
to twenty five pounds of rice and a lean frame
hiding huddled in a mass of snow
lay all of the accused

chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
as thick steel drives through flesh and boe
grinding rubber against gravel; metal against metal
and screeching high-siren pitches nonstop day and night
boring into your skull with the urgency and ceaselessness of a hungry wolf
who scares off the weak and the poor, the hungry and the searching;
who became
one

chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
and those strange and lonely souls scared off by
the fierceness and emptiness of corporations and concrete artists
flee into the fierce emptiness of the wilds instead
sparing one hardship for the other
searching for a fullfilment not found in a box
and an empty space that can only be filled by invisible wings

chaotic impulses lead to irregular rhythm
a frantic dance in a great big monastery
the lunatic portrays a Zen within his twitch
to layer understanding beneath Zen beneath lunacy
with his mad fervor he becomes great
and understands real truth - in his own way -
and then dies

The world to the poet
is a series of carefully concocted
moments spread like butter;
creamy and smooth,
it melts upon the page
flowing and forming phrases
following phrases leading to
another captured moment which was
really nothing spectacular at all,
but simple;
it’s only defining characteristic being
that it was lucky enough
to have the one who noticed it
be a poet

there is an ancient desert,
which grew
that can bask in oceans of bothersome airs
it pulses alive
with a blanket of simmering sand
pilots divebombing the dunes
and slowly moving creatures wave their arms in soft red light
smoke sifting through the air
and my tongue is the desert,
with worlds upon it
fractal by fractal
and you are stuck, your vision refusing to stop zooming
and zooming in and out out and
IN, their feet swaying in the swirl, rocking
back and forth
(forever)
and you see a pear in the sky but
it is in two places at once
larger and smaller
the screen turning red, green, normal
choosing nothing but
getting everything -
lovely and still, a girl,
eyes closed,
hair tied back in ribbons,
sits, a smile slowly creeping on her face,
her sundried and bleached waves
framing her silent face,
she sees all this and understands
that we are one

There is a path surrounded by green
budding plants
and waving fronds
a small dirt path
whose edges are being
eaten by hungry roots
and creatures burrow low
sleeping beneath your feet
and you can feel their
life pulsing slowly
as you step
in tune with the music of beauty
trying to escape the vines which
know they are stealing
but keep on going
towards the sun
but falls, wings melting from the heat
they were too fragile
but at least you enjoy the drinks
searching slowly
your limbs stretching at the speed of
turtle
but who cares if he eats all your chips
and never says thank you
because those chips were just serving their purpose
only you wonder if chips
couldn’t perhaps eat themselves
and save everyone else the trouble
but quietly you follow the green treaded path
a slow glowing form bounding away

There are prisms of light
reflecting from the hunters eyes
gleaming, glistening they
move with agility
virility, stability
blue and clear
water crystals in eyelashes
no more solutions
ancient and tired
I sit back

Evolution tries to see water and monkeys
blue sky and islands, no one cries
except the children
I believe, sweet
he mutters

Rectangles and geometry
reflecting rainbows
soar across the sky ‘cause I’m about to die
arsenic is always arson -
but in Atlantis the biggest monster
subsides, trials and tribulations
hunger is as bright as the sky

Human nature futile
no more options to trace
thick soles and black lace
my soul has no trace
the treasure is your heart
of which there is none







A broken train in the rain
sits and erodes in bleak light
tangy and bitter, blood is seeping
the hunter comes nearer - so close
he doesn’t wait, it’s far too bothersome -
shoots the gun and he’s off

I was once a rabbit
ate carrots every day
lived by the ocean
near seawater and sunsets
my mind is now broken
no love will ever show
just what I did, so pointed and slow
a dinosaur he was -
they don’t ask questions -
cabbage and eggs,
things I will miss
and the magic of life -
sure, death is bliss.