like today.
i can’t get your face off my mind.
I have no idea why?
maybe its the old photos I glanced at
where I was happy

maybe its traveling back to my house
seeing remnants of my old life
nips at my heels
all my mistakes
like starving children, cry out

WHY?

feed me. feed me so I wont stave

i've made mistakes
i've hurt many
and I want to forget the pain I've caused

I drink into oblivion
to forget their smiles
the way they made me feel

how they hurt me
and how I blamed me
i miss being young, i miss the emotions

i miss being able to mess up.
as you get older,
the stakes are raised,
I want to giggle, and forgive
but i can't even forgive myself.

the needle hums
touching my skin
as it drones on

the pain
is intense
pupils dilating
the teacher speaks on

carving with her words
into my skin
a forever sin

To write
Is to live
To know
to exist

Nothing is simple
But it is
The truth is simple

Reading in the night
By candle light
Stories flashed out
A hero
A heroin

A twist
A fall
And we dance on
Different directions
Respect is payment
For the injustices
A bill that will never be filled
By you
But another

Wresting with myself
I was with a chameleon
a lizard, brother to a snake
What was I thinking?
I was crazy in pain
From my last over dose

To take more pills
or not?
I deserve to feel this sting

I’ve got a hangover
I’ve been drinking too
much for sure
You know the cocktail of ‘pills’
that I take to get me through the
day.

I swapped ‘drugs,’
hoping the let down would be less
Only, you, Onyx, knew
You warned me
You said ‘STOP!
You are being stupid
AGAIN!’

you left notes everywhere
in my head
on the fridge
but I wanted to try this
where is the harm?

I just want the edge off my last let down
Tender, loving, naive sarah…
put Onyx in charge
After she already picked the ‘pill,’

Onyx did what she only knew how to do
She saw the train wreck coming,
transformed into black uncaring stone self.
Onyx locked sarah up, and threw away the key
this was an impending disaster

caged sarah cried, starved and went without sleep
there was nothing she could do
Onyx railed against her:
“this is what happens when you are in charge
just look at this mess!”

sarah sank further back into her wooden crate
onyx painted it red and laced it in barbed wire
there appeared no hope for escape.

“Now it’s my turn, I am in charge” said Onyx in all her pride.
“We are going to defile ourselves further,
just watch me little princess
I will flit from one ‘drug’ to the next
only pausing to take their pocket book,

no more emotions, sarah, only me, Onyx, your stone.
Just see how your life is going to change.”

sarah watched Onyx, for she was always in her shadow.
she watched Onyx destroy what she worked so hard to save,
for just that one special ‘trip.’
sarah watched as their body swayed
and became scared up
with an injection here
a cut there,
a bruise that would never go away

once Onyx snorted just a little too much at once
the side effects on their heart are long term
and devastating

Onyx was created to shield sarah.
To protect her,
from the bad things in the world.
A shield was never meant to control the solider.

The things Onyx did, did not shocking sarah
Even from the confines of the cage, sarah was becoming callused
just enough for her naivety to creep away and realize that
she can break out, for she was no longer a girl
it was time for them to become one again

Onyx was enthralled with the newest ‘drug’
she sat at large round stone black table in a dark room
around it were other shields
just like her, feeding off the ‘drug’

An explosion rocked the room
Sarah was free, and stood with her full potential
Onyx flew out of her chair, and stood
Their eyes locked, and the other shields fled at the sight of this

fear was ebbing at the edges of Onyx’s eyes,
Sarah was no longer cowering in her crate.
Onyx roared “Get back in your crate!”
Sarah was not budging, this time

Onyx ran at her, with all her speed,
Sarah side stepped it
Onyx ran again
and again
again
and again

Sarah dodged them all till Onyx fell over panting
Onyx said “I am supposed to protect you,
why won’t you let me?” through her painting breath
Sarah, retaining most of herself, said
“you are cohering with whores,
who feed off the same ‘drug’ as you,
or doing multiple ‘drugs’ in one sitting.
You were supposed to be my conscious
telling me not to do something, you are dark.

you are desensitizing me,
so I will feel nothing.
Do you have any idea how lonely that is?
To feel absolutely nothing.
Every time you do these ‘drugs’ I feel less and less
and these periods seem to stretch on longer and longer
till you are off the next day looking for a bigger
and better ‘fix.’
Which only leaves us feeling lonelier and emptier”

Still laying on the floor, Onyx gazed up at Sarah,
and knew these things to be true
Both of them knew how to fix this.
Onyx must pass through the fire

Sarah extended her hand down and asked
“are you ready?”
Onyx gulped and grasped her hand.
Sarah navigated Onyx to the hot bed of coals
and walked beside her
Onyx winced.
But this was nothing compared to the fire she must face.

The darkness around onyx’s feet started to peel away
Sarah had to let onyx go on her own,
because the coals were turning into fires
and flesh does burn.

onyx marched on, alone.
The flames started to lick her thighs
the pain was becoming unbearable
but she staggered on.

Agony was setting in
she wanted to collapse
but she pushed on.
“aaaaagggghhhhhh” she screamed,
but it was eaten up by the darkness

She looked down,
for the first time in a long time,
and her whole body was aglow
The walk felt like a lifetime
She pushed and pushed
and slowly the flames backed away from her face
she could see Sarah

The flames suddenly felt delicious
she wanted to stay in the fire
so she started running
for she must escape

Sarah was waiting with her arms open
There was a smile on her face
onyx was finally coming home
looking as white as the purest snow.

I have become the wind
you try and hold
But i slip away.

I am a horse
Wild and untamed
Unpredictable

I will be love
Irrational chaotic
And unexplainable.

you said that

you want me to seduce you

that you want me

only me

you said that

but i have nothing left (for you)

my insides are rattling around

you want me to feel?

I have become onyx

I have become a stone.

I see you there
the lack of body
the lack of hair
you are wearing thin

you have no one else to turn to
and you turned to her
I see your view point
I see why
but I refuse to care anymore
you have my pity
and that is all

skin
i want to tear you off
my aura filling up the room
just move
and feel

dance till dizzy
happiness is relative

eyes carrying baggage
everyday
and through the night

thoughts consume me
desires to be somewhere else
anywhere else

grinning and bearing it
guilt,
fear,
wisdom bought with experiences
laughter to hide the pain
broken but not defeated
there is struggle still within

i look in, and see myself
messed up, in all the wrong places
emotions on a roller coaster

irrational, impulsive, incoherent

yet,
masculine

opposites attract,
and you sir
are not mine

when I talk
with you
only you

will you allow me to go in circles
beat myself up
cry my heart out till its all gone
and only you will be standing there
telling me to go have fun

when you are upset
i take you by the hand
we walk and we talk and
I try to make you feel better

You are perpetually there for me
Endlessly.

something to weave my hands into
there right in front of me
my protector
shield
definable human
i know you; you know me

I don’t fall in love.
Its just one morning, I wake up,
And think, Oh shit,
I’m in love
Damn

I looked at Ralph
and though
I am not myself
I have become a monster

but maybe I have not been myself for years
And I am just realizing who I am
And what I was missing

A wild child
leased upon the earth
laughing at scorn
behaving like a man
[in many manners of the word]
forgetting her etiquette
and loving every minute of it
you can only be young once
is her chant
you can only be young once

I am
meant
to be alone
with my thoughts
and letters
my paper
and pen
only

You criticize my choices
I know you do

well someone told me…
but it was not you
[but that is beside the point!]

You do not seem to understand
that my heart is not on my hand
nor on my sleeve
its not a matter of appearance
more a matter of heart
and trust.

and these things you do not seem to understand!

Black and white as real as life
Defying what we know,
To say what we don’t
Spelling out every word
To define what we are.

Life is made up of little words
That make up a big picture,
Some only see the words
Others see the picture

I see the look upon your face
As though it says,
Love me now, love me dear
And don’t let go at any cost.