I am sure your words smile back at you;
In the very same way that I used to.
Given they can never smile as sincerely as I would for you,
And certainly not with the same adoration.

Should you find more comfort in your words;
In the lies you tell yourself, so be it.
I have done all that I can.
I have done more than I could.

Now I am left,
To see you gain a larger smile from a lie you tell yourself,
Than the love which I gave you that was true.

I am sure your words, smile back at you..

I thrive in the chaos of this nothingness I have been left in.
With a deceptive mind and a lingering cold now forever attached to my side -
I embark on a journey long overdue, but know in it the ending, that will end up true.

Storms surrounding me set alight the obstacles to overcome
- as the chaos controls my thoughts.

The overwhelming urge to make even the hurt that has been done unto me -
it thrives in the silence of this winter storm.

To call on to what fills the emptiness
and finish this all once and for all, I can not do.
For I can not ever, know the ending that does end up true.

Eagerness and willingness -
Is what comes with all that equals bliss.

Time gets consumed and left behind,
As the past lingers in your daily life
and causes your mind to fill with strife.

Where this ends, it all begins again
to wind you up - with no real end.

This world is filled with people.
Each one with a quality I desire to have,
Each one a reflection of what I want to be.

Even if I tried, to have style, to look good, to be skinny,
I couldn't pull it off, and it isn't me.

I will never be a girl with style, and I will never be a girl to make any other jealous.
Yet every day the jealousy I have of others consumes my mind and makes me hate myself more.

All of what I want to be, is what I will never be.
Everything I want to be, can never be seen in me.

Step one to destroying myself;
Fall for the criticism, starve yourself and over exercise daily.

Step two;
Spend all of the money which you do not have on clothing and accessories that will make people like you.

Step three;
Cut and dye your hair, ensure that an hour is spent on it each morning at the least.
Make sure everyone can tell that you spent a lot of time on your looks.

Step four;
Forget what you care about and what you think,
Ensure that anything you say directs attention away from yourself.
Make sure people like you, even if you do not like them.
After all, nothing you have to say matters, and no one cares about your life story.

Step five;
Make sure that no one ever finds out how broken you are, or how much you hate yourself.
The only way to appear as a strong intelligent woman is to keep your emotions hidden and your mouth shut.

If the world were to end tonight,
We wouldn't see how much of our lives have been wasted.
All regrets surface, at the proposal of death.

Time is a continuous motion
It does not stop to smell the flowers
It does not race forward to desired moments.

Time will continue on, even when the world is brought to a stop.
Yet, the thought of our end can cause humanity to race around,
to relate themselves with time as though time could be held or attained.

Time is what guides us through life -
As a race, we have labeled time in many different ways.
A second, a minute, an hour, a week.

Time is never ending, yet we still divide it into sections.
Time is never ending,yet we still wish to label it,
For something with a label becomes reality.

What was once just a bottle can become a brand or an image,
We can turn simple things into attainable goods, but not time.
Time is always there, it is always here, and it always has been.

Labeling time in sections makes it easier for us to understand its length,
But a week has no start, nor a solid end,
A week is a week, a length of time, at any point in time.

If the world were to end today
Time would continue, and what is left of our planet would continue with it.

Life is not what gives time value,
Time, is what gives life value.

I love the way your words feel,
As they slip softly off of your tongue.
Regardless the meaning of words,
The sound is elegant and smooth.

Each feeling expressed with syllables and sound
Is untouched and as raw as what drew words from your mouth.
There are no lies, to lie here.

You are open, you are free.
This is what it is to be happy.
You are what you are, and I'm happy.

A color scheme settles, into the black and white.
The areas once shaded, crosshatched, and scratched out
Have been evenly filled in with vibrant colors.

A yellow sets itself within the confines of lines on a page
As the dense blue stains heavy paper, with a bold sincerity.

Details without color, drew out texture and description.
Greens brought out life in these lines,
Red, added a thrill and suspense.

I am black and white,
I am simple, but complex to the detail.
Let's not ruin a good thing,
Color is complexity.

You are the ice that layers itself under the snow,
And what I have to watch out for with each step, as I walk.
You are always there, in my mind.
But you are not always here, because if you are I can't see you.

It seems so complex,
The way that you linger around
Even after you're long gone.
But this is as simple as ice in the winter.

When I think it is safe to run,
I may slip and fall down again.
Because you are always there.
You are always here, my ice.

I can not rid you from my life entirely,
as much as I wish it were possible.
I will make the same mistakes,
If I do not watch where I am walking.

I must live with the realization that the ground is not solid.
knowing that walking on, is not as easy as I have remembered.

He taught me how to hate myself
With comments I could not understand.
I was but a young girl, who had not yet discovered this world.
He taught me how to hate myself, instead of love myself for who I am.
He drank and swore, and smashed possessions,
Then degraded me for my confessions.

The person I looked up to.
The one who was supposed to help me through
All of this misery, which he made true.
But what is a young girl to do.

He taught me how to hate myself,
By consistently raising the bar higher.
He taught me how to hate myself.
He taught me to be a liar.

Expectations set the tune,
of a song I could never sing.
No matter what I would ever do,
Perfection I could not bring.

So why is this who I am today?
because he taught me how to hate myself.
And hate myself I do.
He taught me how to hate myself,
And to not believe the truth.

I want your time, and your love,
Your caring, and your adoration.
I want you, This is all I want.

I want too much.

I thought that a relationship was to be strengthened by time.
I thought that love was to be shared together, not apart.

I thought I knew what love was.
I thought I knew.

Then I learned Love is a cold hearted bitch.
Love is the asshole who doesn't deserve you, and the one you will always go back to.

Love is what kills your heart, and tears your soul out right in front of you,
Then precedes to let you know that you will never get it back.

Love is pain, love is sorrow, and love is regret.
Love is what you never know until you lose it.
Love is hatred toward yourself.
Love is violence, addiction and agony.
Love is destruction.

Your eyes have been embedded in my mind.
And your image has lingered on longer than your presence.
This memory will not fade. Those eyes, they still remain.
This picture is not going anywhere. This will not go anywhere.
This will stay with me, a reminder.
Of what once was.
Of what can never.
Ever.
Be.

It's in my blood. It's in my skin.
This is part of who I am, It is what has nurtured my mind through this life.
It has shaped me and created the person who I am today, right before me.
It has destroyed the relationships with who I have cherished most dearly,
And it has me suspended, unable to be close with anyone who I truly love.

It has me destroying myself slowly, from the inside out. Day after day.
It has me pondering thoughts which should have settled beneath a layer of dust, ages ago.
But still, this lingers. It resides in my core, the hollowness.. this emptiness.
This is where my heart should be.
This is my demise.

This emptiness is spreading like a Cancer, I can feel it grow and make my lungs feel weak.
It wants more. It will take more. I am just a body for this destruction to reside.
Once this takes me, and consumes me whole.. I fear what will be.
I can feel it now, growing, and resonating inside, waiting for its day.
It's only a matter of time, before this gets to my head.

I had a dream today, I wished that I was crazy.
I actually wished that I were mad, or insane.
Maybe I am just looking for excuses,to rid me of my past.
Perhaps I am wanting to feel something. Any goddamn thing..
As long as it isn't this emptiness inside of me.

Chaos is swirling.
Chaos, is thriving.
Chaos is building.
Chaos, is destruction.

This destruction is striving,
It resides in my core.
This chaos controls me,
And it has been with me for so long
That it has befriended my mind.
It controls my actions
Almost all of the time.

If I were to rid myself of this
This building frustration
I don't know where I will be.
This chaos is so strong
It defines me.
This is in my core,
It is all I am good for.

This chaos gives me power,
It is all that I know.

Should I fear this destruction inside
Or love it, for I am where it chose to reside.

No one could decipher the hate that is inside
Until they witness the tears, which fall from my eyes.

The feeling I could burn or set things alight with a stare,
and destroy all that's in focus, and turn it to ash
with the need to smash glasses and create alarmingly loud crashes.

I'm off the end on this one. I'm too far gone to have this undone.
And yes, it's still me.. the unfortunate one.

Never tried to get what I want,
seems all that I had was a mere taunt
so.. nonchalant.
just a fucking taunt.
Give me what I want.




"It's gone,
You've killed it."

What?! what do you mean?

"You know what you've done..
You'll just have to live with the consequences now."

--You.. you don't understand..
--It's myself I can't live with..

Thought this was over and I thought this was done
but it seems ive been spending this time on the run
and without even knowing, this is everything but fun.

Only time will tell if the thoughts that cross my mind are true
Only time will tell if the things I knew were true.
Only time will tell
how I will end up without

I must shatter this ice for it coats all of my feelings.
The ice freezes my heart more with each second I am encased.
But what may I do to be sure to replace
this cold with a warmth that lies in an embrace.

I must melt, but I will freeze whomever tries to save me.

Nothing you have to say, is important.
Nothing you think, is important.
Nothing you want even matters.

Shut up!
Just shut the fuck up and stop thinking these things.

Even if you do believe that they are true
it is only because you repeat these things to yourself in your head
over and over
with each time you are downsized, disregarded, and destroyed.

Just because everyone treats you a certain way
or thinks of you in a certain way
does not mean that is the truth.

But god how it is impossible -
to fight the voice in your head that tells you you will never be good enough.

You can fight it, but it always returns. for it never truly leaves.
This is a judgment that resides in yourself.

At times it can make you think of yourself as a worthless waste of skin
or a person who will never amount to anything.

And as much as I may try my best to convince both myself, and any readers
that this judgment is not always right,
or that what your mind automatically thinks in times of stress and discouragement is not true..
I have no solid evidence that the voice in your mind which speaks suck negitive thoughts,
does not know more about you than anyone else.
maybe its right
maybe its wrong.

Lesson 1:

Make her feel small, for the weak fear conflict.
Defend your honor, defend your words,
And make it clear; you will also defend her.
This will build trust, and trust is a must.

Warning;

This trap is a web which you must always keep spinning
If what you want in the end is to come out, winning.

Lesson 2:

Coax her into discussions which will turn to debate,
And do all that you can, to not have to relate.
Gather interesting facts and display all possible proof
So you prove every thing for her, except for the truth.
This is learning to create and display distractions,
Distractions are your savior.

This trap is a web which you must always keep spinning
If what you want in the end is to come out, winning.

Lesson 3:

Remember; she is never allowed to be right.
For if you give her the power of winning
She will feel she has the power to leave.
It is your job to keep her stuck,
And to take all that she has to offer,
while leaving her believing life is filled with bad luck.

Hint:

The difficulty in success lies, in your lies.
If she can read that you are lying, this trap will not succeed.
The trick is learning to tell lies, which no one else can read.

All these little pick me ups that you drop off, they weigh me down.
and I cant even move around. In fear that I, might make a sound.

For if I call, they wont catch me,
And if I fall I will drown.

Here I stand to wait my turn. Here I stand, for I have learned.
My dear we all have ups and downs, just as our faces have smiles, and frowns.
Some days we may want to turn around, and not face the path we're walking down.

For if I call, they wont catch me.
If I fall, I will drown.

A morning breeze crawls in through the window
Over the skin and  across my back..
A shiver and then a sigh,
A little too cold, and a little too dry.

I've set my sights upon a silent space,
Where I may show no feeling, and withhold all grace.
Wrapped in thoughts of many topics,
My mind's but a storm in the tropics.

To move, to walk, or to run along,
To never stop if you are strong.
To keep a pace, to win your race,
To gain just what one can't replace.