A little boy, whose name was Jay
Was in for a surprise one august day,
He and his mom, went to the bazaar,
Jay returned home with a brand new guitar.
Hell never forget what the vendor had said
“This guitar is magical, it has special powers.
Just play a chord, or just sit there and strum,
And youll find that people will do what you want.”
A guitar that will make people do what I want?
Surely the vendor was telling him lies,
But the guitar was so beautiful that he had to have it.
That night when the boy returned home,
He decided to give the guitar a try.
He sat on his bed and he started to strum,
When suddenly into his room came his mom,
And she wanted to know if he wanted some ice cream?
Ice cream, this late on a school night? Thought Jay
But he wasnt one to turn down dessert
So he gladly said yes, and continued to play.
Well he played well into the night, and never once,
Did his mother come in to make him go to bed.
I think the guitar is working already, thought Jay,
And decided he would play all through the next day.
Early the next morning Jay woke up for school,
But he really didn’t have the urge to go.
He figured maybe if I strum on my guitar,
I can make my mom let me stay home.
So he started to play when in came his mom,
And she said “you know, maybe you can take the day off and stay home”
Jay wondered what else he could do, who else he could use,
So he decided to think about his brother while he played.
Well as soon as his brother got home from school,
He offered to do all of Jays chores,
And let him play with all of his toys without asking.
“Jeez, this guitar is amazing” Jay whispered.
He was prepared to try and work his father,
To see if he could get some extra allowance.
“Why certainly, anything for my son!”
And Jay just smiled and continued to strum.
Well this went on for quite some time,
No school, higher allowance, and all his chores being done,
until one fateful day,
when Jay returned home,
and found his guitar broken in 2.
“Im sorry sweetie” said Jays mom,
It fell down the stairs while I was carrying it back up to your room.
Jay was speechless, almost started to cry,
What was he to do about this?
He had to return to the bazaar,
And find the strange man who sold him the guitar.
He and his mom, they returned the next day,
But there was no sign of the vendor anywhere.
They asked around, if anybody knew where he was,
And they had replied that he wasn’t coming back,
He had sold all his things, and left for good
And didn’t tell anybody where he was headed.
Well, Jays life, to his disdain, went back to normal after that,
Though it took a while to get used to.
He had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on,
And his allowance decreased.
But things returned to normal,
And Jay adjusted to life,
But he will never forget the day at the bazaar,
When the strange man sold him that magic guitar.
What you are about to hear is an interesting story,
But it’s not about goals, feats, or glory.
It’s simply about a man named Ray,
Who discovered quite an unusual talent one day.
You see all his life Ray only ate meat,
He avoided fruits and veggies, and other healthy things to eat.
Until this one day, when Ray was in a bind,
When a bushel of grapes was the only food he could find.
Now he wasn’t a big fruit guy, but he didn’t care,
He felt was hungry as a grizzly bear.
He gobbled the grapes up, fast as could be,
And an hour later went to the bathroom to pee.
While in the bathroom, humming a song,
Ray noticed the color of his urine was wrong.
It was purple! Not yellow! A strange sight indeed!
For this happened every time Ray ate grapes then peed.
His urine smelt of red wine, purple and sweet,
So he bottled some up for himself to keep.
Later that night, it dwelled on Rays mind,
If he should taste his urine, to see if it truly was wine.
He poured himself a glass, and a large one at that,
Pulled up a chair, and there he sat,
Staring at this glass of piss,
Til he picked it up, and put it to his lips.
And oh, what bliss! It was the best wine he ever tasted.
He promised himself “no more of my urine will be wasted.”
He figured if he ate grape every day,
He bottle his pee, and make people pay,
for the most delicious wine that they’d ever buy,
It’s risky, he thought, but it’s worth a try.
Ray started his business door to door,
Letting folks sample the wine, and they always wanted more.
At first business was slow, but it picked up real fast,
And he was questioned by every neighbor he asked.
They told him they loved his wine, and they wanted more,
They wanted so much, Ray opened a store.
He sold all of his wine, to policemen and teachers,
He even sold a bottle to one of the preachers.
Business was great, until the month of July,
When a competing winery sent in a spy.
They wanted to steal his secret to success,
So people would say that their wine was the best.
So late one night, while the town was asleep.
The spies went to Ray’s home to sneak a peak.
They peered in his window, and what did they see?
They saw Ray alone, filling wine bottles with pee.
“Oh my god” they exclaimed, “we must tell the town,
The people will be furious, they’ll tear his store down!”
Well the spies were right, and the very next day,
The townspeople approached Ray’s store filled with rage.
“How dare you!” they shouted, and began to throw stones,
Poor Ray was left in his store all alone.
“Get out of our town, and never come back!”
And with that they burned his store til the wood was charred and black.
So Ray left town, quickly and sadly,
For his wine business had backfired very badly.
Is this the end of Ray? No way in hell,
Because he’s just arrived in your town, and he’s got some delicious wine to sell.
There was a young lad, whose name was Ben,
And he had the worst gas of all of his friends,
Every time he’d cut the cheese,
He’d bring them pleading to their knees.
“Please Ben, be a friend, and go seek some help,
For your gas is so potent that even the skunks yelp.”
Well Ben sat and thought for a second,
I’ll just break wind into a jar he reckoned.
Ill twist off the lid and plug up my ass,
And fill the jar with my putrid gas.
For weeks and weeks he collected his farts,
Til the air inside the jar was thick and dark.
He placed the old jar on top of his shelf,
I’ll get rid of you tomorrow, he said to himself.
Well something happened that night, and Ben’s life was taken,
When a violent storm left the whole house shaken.
The jar that Ben placed on his shelf with such care,
Had fallen, releasing his gas into the air.
Ben proceeded to suffocate slowly but steadily,
A victim of a crime that was silent but deadly.
There was this guy Bart that I met in Prague,
Told me his girlfriend lived down in a bog.
“She’s big and she’s green, with long yellow fangs,
And seaweed hangs off of her head like green bangs.
The first time I met her she bit off my hand, and spit it out next to me into the sand.
The next time I met her, this guy Bart he said,
“If she bites you again, I’ll cut off her head.”
Well this time she bit off my leg, and she even ate Bart,
That’s when I decided that I had to start,
Thinking of ways to get rid of this creature,
So I hobbled to town to talk to the preacher.
“It’s love that it need!” he beamed at me,
“Just show it some love, and then you’ll see.”
So to the bog I went with love to share,
Bart’s girlfriend came out, and greeted me with a stare.
I shouted at her, “I came to share love!”
And offered her the preacher’s precious white dove.
Well she snatched up the dove, broke it in two,
Threw it aside and said “Now onto you!”
I turned to run as fast as I could,
But was bitten in half like an old piece of wood.
My final thought before I had died,
Was that love had solved nothing, the preacher had lied.