I reach out and you pull away.

Eventually I will stop reaching,

what will you do then?

Your actions say you love me, and yet you pull away.
Those words you choose never to say.

Neither of us want to be alone. You stare at me as if I am a ghost. A distant shadow of a peaceful past.I apologized in advance, I was never going to be who you wanted me to be. I can only be myself, and sadly I leave wrecks in my wake. You stare at me, with a resentment in your eyes, I'm afraid I can not conformire to your world, I'm sorry you left the world we shared. I realized something the other day, you never shared that world with me. You were always on the outside looking in, pretending just as I had to pretend. Your no different than I, and yet you will never let me forget, how much better you are.

I feel asleep, and awoke several times, in the course of these actions, I felt as if I was still in the dream world.You came to me in this dream and kissed me gently. I felt as if the world could never be a more perfect place to be. Things changed, you changed, we changed. The dream became a nightmare, you became the cause. The once welcome dreams have turned into a dreaded cascade of horrible images, and scary realizations. The dream became a nightmare, and you became the dream.I missed who you were, I was afraid of who you became.In all of this, I lost myself, a recurring nightmare. Will I ever have sweet dreams again?

I wish I could control time,
all my mistakes would be wiped away.
I could see who I was suppose to be not
what life has made me.

I wish I could control my thoughts,
not allow all the worry and doubt to
slowly erode what little sanity I have left.

I wish I could control my "heart"
Not fall so fast and so quickly for
a dream that would never cross
over into reality.

I wish, the word I wish did not exist.
Instead I can always hope.

You were so bright you cast a shadow on me.
You were younger, but I always looked up to you.

I always wished I had your confidence, your smile.
I always hoped I could leave your shadow behind, but not like this.

I would give anything to have you back
see your smile again, feel the warmth of your hug.

Instead I only have pictures,
it is the only way I can see your face.
Even your voice has faded in my mind.

I could never forget you, but I have to let you go.
You said I would never be alone,
that you would always be there.

You lied, and now your gone.
Where does that leave me?

Alone...

We laid in the grass
touching, kissing, holding.

In the background there was a song,
you dedicated it to me.

Little did you know that the major chords lift,
and the minor cords show the depths of melancholy.

Maybe you should have dedicated a different melody.

I am not your saviour
I could never save your soul
Mine was damned from go.
So please leave me alone.

Besides, you don't need me,
You are much better off alone.

I have lost myself,
in your kisses,
in your touch.

When you're inside of me,
for just a moment,
I forget reality.

I am engulfed with pleasure
inflamed by desire.

I've lost control,
and for once,
I embrace the chaos.

You liked the taste of tears
the harder I cried, the happier you appeared.

And I love to please.

So I cried for you,
I spilled all the secrets of my soul for you.

I love to please.

You left me, cold and broken,
my tears were not enough.
You needed blood, you needed pain, you needed agony.
I gave you those as well.

I love to please.

When you were done, when you had everything that was me,
I ceased to be.

Do I really love to please?

No, I just did not know
that pleasing you,
would break me.

I pretended to love you
It is what I was taught.

Don't show your emotions
keep them bottled up inside.

I could never have loved you.
Anymore than you could have loved me.

We were both lying to ourselves.
Playing house, because the real word
is such a scary place.

Neither one of us was prepared for reality,
so we made our own, and oh how we failed miserably.

The doctor writes in his chart, as I spill my guts.
Letting him into my soul. Just to be told, here is another pill.

"It will make everything better, you don't have to feel"
So the doctor says, and wouldn't you know, he was right!

I can smell  the fresh paint,

thinking it should be blue

for the future small you.

I rub my belly watching for growth

of the child you put inside of me by force.

Of course not to be out done,even by

yourself, violently you took my child away

kicked him from my womb.

Laughing as the blood ran down my thighs

in tiny trickles  like sinister kisses,

from a lovers soft lips.

And when I awoke,

I found I had not escaped

and yet my small babies fate

lay in a pool of blood

in the already ruined rug.