head, neck, shoulders
arms, hands, fingers
finger joints, finger nails, finger tips
letters, keys, keyboard
circuit, wire, electricity
plug, converter, signals
addition, subtraction, memory
input, processing, output
light, heat, display
blinking, moving, typing
patterns, eyes, images
storing, matching, thinking
reading, writing, creating
rome wasn't built in a day
except quality can be reduced
and no one will give a
damn, just buy another one
rainforest cleared but where
everyone lives/dies elsewhere
and trees will come back
dangerous things anyway
ready to fall on you any moment
everyone knows that, plastic
and metal are better/stronger
don't rot or grow lichen
reach for the ground not the sky
earth provides all our needs
all our stuff, we need so much
dangerous to go alone
if i could do what i loved, i'd have time to create and time to play
and time to rest and time to be busy without feeling busy.
if i could be myself, i'd have space to love and space to laugh
and space to cry and space to fuck and be fucked like there's no tomorrow.
if i could be honest, i'd have close friends and close colleagues
and close family and enough real people that they'd make me real too.
no one has time for everything and everything balanced.
if i could be perfect i would be perfect
doesn't everyone wish to be perfect?
but every disappointment and fear makes a richer tapestry
every loneliness and heartache makes a better listener
every slight and loss makes a stronger heart and mind
not richer and stronger,
damaged and struggling,
empty space on the computer screen
pulls out words from my heart.
totally wrong words, feelings i didn't mean
to think, or feel, or
feelings i thought were long gone
my heart is not yet digital, not yet able
to put logic in the driver seat
and the craziness is driving me nuts.
i didn't know i was.
if i see what i feel in the words pouring out
if i can neaten the mess
surely clarity and honesty are good?
clear as pain or heat or
feelings i thought were
no, they fill me and burn me and vomit into the day
my skin wants to tear itself off
why does silence start to scream?
empty rooms flood with dark?
writing is dissecting, peering into the depths
of biology and nerves and life.
a logical eye labels the mess and it is no longer a mess
but i'm still afraid of what i did
of what i am in the empty spaces.
i thought i heard a dog barking but the night was just larger in my awareness like a danger
the night was still silent
the gift of silence, never fully unwrapped
tiredness never enters, my mind decided long ago that wandering in the dark was my forte
somewhere between worlds
alive of course, but never really alive
time being flexible, sometimes full of nothing or else following thought after thought
echoes of thoughts follow
and feelings, drifting like scents on a breeze
living in the silence and the darkness is immortality, at least that's what it tells me, when i listen
not like the blood and heat
or the violent thoughts of daylight
some sort of suspended life, breath measuring the seconds with no other reference points
i imagine the sound in my head
thinking that breathing proves i'm alive
echoes of thoughts in the silence, echoes of silence in my thoughts, and i don't even see
I thought life would be easier after death.
Thought of peace and love and clouds;
I never thought I'd wake up in a shell.
I can see you up there
The still-human ones.
I would envy you but I think the ability is lost
It is more obvious now that you are predators
But we share your space without much notice.
Death is only a sidestep so forget the risks;
Life is yours for the living.
busy mind pulling in all directions.
the time for study and creativity.
when thoughts collide.
when secrets bite with bitterness.
night brings out the crazies.
who cannot sleep.
dare not sleep.
dappled shades of noise and silence.
bright dark world.
shadows and spotlights.
must stay inside.
but rules don't make sense now.
must not talk.
to strangers but all are strange.
who sleep now are strangest.
hiding, pretending to be safe but only.
like a child.
with hands over eyes and eyes clenched.
a dangerous choice.
prototypes in my mind
fill the vacancy
fill the silence.
silence the needs
pretend like i die tomorrow
but live like i died today.
motivation for desire
stays and wallows
in it's comfortable rut.
change clings to
Fractured black spaces
curved beneath my eyes
black sand, dust motes
A touch to the cobweb
no - just a breath
And dark becomes light
light becomes colour
And my life flashes - as they say
Whatever I breathe is there
inside. I only see
What I want to see
and I bathe in my light
While all other worlds spin
Around the stars
As they've always done
a tiny anchor, barely a fish hook
moors me to the surface.
light as sunbeams i float
in the darkness.
float above everyone but it's
never far enough.
dreams follow me but many
had to be left behind.
life carries on once
the dying have gone.
of course we're all dying
and i was just dying to leave.
i sleep in the void
see my dreams before me
and below me. i wake
to check if i'm still alive and
i'm not sure why i'm surprised.
i'm not the first, but there was only
a few before me.
perhaps they will fill my dreams
with life and let me wake
in a new world.
one day i might
walk in to a storm
energy to move me
sound to silence the world
once you are wet
the touch of water comforts
once you are alone
the cold breaks down the walls
once you are close
the night hides all
once you choose
the river is a safe place to sleep
sweet sigh as I inhale you
the sweat of our passion
a scent of storms and slumber
smiling, sensuous you lay still
spent and silent.
softly I say
and I know you know what I mean.
thank you for your life
and for sharing mine
thank you for your love
that inflames and comforts.
thank you for healing me
thank you for making me a healer.
the morning light wakes you a little
and I lie on my side
breathing you my love.
coarse salty air, shapes in soft sand showing the echo of waves.
cackling gulls over by the road, fighting over some scraps
the water flows like blanket pulled over the head
hiding the sand under the undulating soft blank sea
the sun is high, and burns the sand and salt into your skin.
the walk burns your muscles and you decide to rest
sit on the collapsing footprints of others
the softened erased castles where crabs used to live
sit to stare at the sharp horizon and blink in the harsh sun
perhaps boats or canoes or dinghies will wash past
perhaps you will wave and smile, perhaps you will sit there til dark
and no one will care when you walk into the cold clutches of the sea.