I have doubted religion for a long time, 
All because of a question a man had asked me long ago
He was not a rich man nor a hatefull man
He did not seek to destroy all my belief 
Just wanted to show me that my life was not complete
As it was
As it will be

His simple question was this,
 "would you enjoy heaven if all of your loved ones
Went to hell."
Those thirteen words changed me from 
Be good for goodness sake
To being good with out a reason
No need for a resin
The fact was I needed to live
As if there was no after life
Not so I wouldn't fear hell
But so I can live with love and hatred
So I can spend time with my loves as if we could be separated
So I could fear and care others saw me.

Those thirteen words allowed me out of a closet
With no worry of damnation
Only hope of forever love
One that can weave throw heaven and hell
If they so exist
So I can say I shall never be alone 

Those thirteen words opened my eyes
To not just hopes and dreams of a religion 
But what all people seek in a after life
Love
Love of a god
Love that shatters time and space
It's not just for me
All wish to find that love in flesh
No mater in a man,
Woman or just a companion 
I will forever seek the same love
The bible teaches of

My heart consumes hate
Like a leaf consumes sun light
Just soaks it up
But to no end 
The flow will be constent 
And I with out it
I would be different 
Not dead just hibernating 
Untile that sun light strikes my leaf
I may not like this hate
But it's the only way I can find a way to live
Becuse with out that hate
My heart lives on my sleeve 
With people ready to stab and slash
And so I alow my heart and hate
To enter a Symbiosis relation ship
Hate lives in my heart
And protects its beats

The simple fact of the world is that we don't need anyone
We are built to be self sufficient 
We don't need others to breath 
We don't need others to think
We don't need others to prosper, dominate, 
You don't need school
You don't need pears 
You don't need your parents
No mater your age
We are made so we don't need others to live,

But we are not made to change
In our own heads we can never sift our minds
Chang our ways manipulate the world
All we can be with out others is a neutral being 
Not good or bad just is, not ever making an imprint
When you are maid to not need any one to live 
And so you never try to connect  to others
You failed your self 
Yea you was self sufficient but at what cost
The world will be the same from your birth
To your death 
And no one will know you ever lived

I was like that once never trusting in anyone 
never wishing to confined in anyone
Just survive what evils the gods at be throws at me
I was not happy nor sad 
But I did lose something quite important
That we are not born with
But gain from others love
A reason to live
That's what you lose when you chose to be
Independent 

So yea we don't need any one to live 
But We need some one to live for
So we can live forever

Deeply disturbed 
That is what my life is
How I switch from obsessions 
To obsessions
And so I fear this will be me

No mater how high my ladder will go up
I'd just come back down and start anew 
That's me I geuse
For better or worse

But know this if nouthing else 
You are not an obsession for me
That will end any time now
You are apart of me
For evermore
I will strees about you
How you seem to see all I hid
How you know who I am
No mater what is perceived

I will strees on the fact I can never say
How I feel 
Unless I write 
So take these word and keep them safe
Because are my forever obsession

Rain drips from my hands 
Mixed with blood
The endless flood will hinder my plot
But still I smile 
I know I'm doing wrong
As I step over the first body of the night
And I can't help my self from asking the obvious 
"am I going to hell? Do I deserve nouthing else?"

It's to late though it has started 
I raised my gun 
And fire into a guy 
No idea who he was
No mater
He was in the wroung place at the wroung dam time 
His family will morn 
But shit happens 
If theirs a god he will repay the goon
And I shail be punished 

So no point in stoping to wonder
As I'm opened fired on 
I laughed a grenade be hind their cover 
With the explosion all sound stopped 
Besides the screams that shall haunt me to the grave
 As I entered the last room my target looked at me 
A kid of 10
Not much older than mine 
I raised my gun and fired 
Sealing both of our lives
One to hell
And one to heaven

i tell no lies (besides that one)
i mean no harm (if i can)
im not insane (the other voices are)
i fear no fear (loneliness is not a fear its dam reality)
and i dare say one day i will be great (dont ask me why)
my greatness will not be who i am (or what i piss)
it will be what i changed (and the new reality i shifted)

Zombies they approach 
to bad we can't be friends 
This was my last thought
As I load my gun

This will be a blood bath
And I may never survive 
I am the last, destined to die by hand I used to curest
I see her in the mob 
Slowly approaching 
Why rush I was doomed 
I know it and so did they

I faught for 7 years 
And this is my end
I am the last to see thair loved ones
I wounder how they will live with out me
I guess the same if I was the one that was victorious 
"fuck this I yell"
 as the zombies began to in case me
I was never the one who seeked the crowed 
All wayse the loner
Dreaming for this day 
Not hoping just knowing it will come to pass

My end will be beautiful 
I cocked my gun
Knowing I wount need it but just liked the ilosen of my finally
Being of a gun fight,

We planed this
Me and the once people who surround me
All hopping it will never come
But non believed it was unnesary 

They was in place 
The shells all in place 
I slipped the wire under my feat
And even though I could not see the liquid I know 
It hit its home
Zombies cried in rage
Canines thrusted into the air
Trying to cut the air 
And I laughted 

Napalm was my favorite was my favorite wepen 
I glanced above my head to see the net
Filed with liquid hell
It amused me that all the years I threaten to rain
Hell on my enimeyes 
I get to do it

I hit the swich in my poket 
I herd the flames hit the net 
It will take 2 minutes for the flames
To meet the c4 
But the zombies had a different plan
They rushed me 
And all I did was take two steps backwards
And the mine wint of without a hitch

I lust a leg but that was enught distraction
C4 inighted and turned the night alive 
I had made my last day of life
Hell
And I smile
The end is now
I closed my eyes
And waited 
For my firy demise 
To welcome me

Art is the fabric of our society
The proof that we once lived
That we are humans and not beast
It is the evidence of intelligence

But it's so damn hard to define
Art can be from the sixteenth chapel to a pillow case
From Romeo and Juliet to a simple student essay
Art has a broad horizon
It mean so much more than what we give it credit for
The possibility of art never subsides
And I can never define it

Art is not special because it looks pretty
Or because it is made with feeling
Art is special, for it's up to interpretation
That you can look at the Mona Lisa and say she is a tease
Or read the road less travailed and say "he's not the smartest man"  
See, even if you got nothing but hate for the art it's done it's job
It made you think made you wonder and contemplate  
Even if you hate all art of any type
The beauty will still exist
Hate can't stop that

So what the hell is art
Is nature art
Or is art
Our
Representation
Of our nature
Of all the beauty and pain
That we see
That we feel
That we desire,
For others
To see
What we see
For them to feel what we felt 
To contemplate what we contemplated
To wish, hope, dream like we do?
Is that who artists are
No more than copying machines 
Is this what art is a faded out copy
Of the artist's love

Or is art undefinable
That this is one of the  
Most simplistic  Thing
That to brake it down  
Is to lose a meaning
It's like if we define it
That's all it will be
It will not shift with time
And it will be taught
Just as it is and not
A indefinite concept
That can morth into  
Any thing you wish 
It to be

So who am I to define what brings joy into the heart of others
I'm not special
No more than the next guy
So no more labels for me
I will let art become
What I can't imagine
I will let it sift and change
And never more  
Will I try to bind it
With my definitions
With my labels
I will just create it
The way I wish for it to be

Every one tells me I'm smart 
But I'm not 
I am not intelligent I'm just observant 
I see why X=Y 
I see why America faught in wwII 
I see why people make fun of me 
And I remember all the shit you've said to me
No I'm not a genius  but I'm smart enough to see though you
You thank your better than me 
Keep on thinking your fashion makes you better 
Keep on thinking that your life is more than mine
I'm smart enough to see that when you rag on me
You alwow your self to believe if you diss me
That the you see in me
The you that you hate to see would not be thair
I can see all the hate in you
I see all the pain in you 

Say all that shit about me
Make it seem that I'm the imperfect one
I use to be like you
Constantly denying who I am 
Never allowing me to be
Always thinking what they think of me 
Only knowing what they known of me
Only cairing what they wishted for me

But I'm not like that any more I see who I am
Not what people cair  to see 
But who I am
Who I want to be
Every aspect I hid befor
All that i wished for no one to know
I do not deny them eny more
I am not who any one thanks I am
I am not what people want me to be
I am not even what I want to be

I am me 
Nouthing more nouthing less
I am who I am
No reson to deny this
And just like I am who i am
You are who you are 
No mater if you deny it
No mater if you hide it
Fact is you was made to be who you are 
No amount of friends can change that fact
And you will see this like I did
You will make friends that do not size you up
No mater how fucked up you seem to be 
They will be their for you
It's just a mater of time before you see who you are

Faced with the change
And I smile
The world is going to hell
And I smile
Death and decay
Sokes my soal 
And I smile

Smile 
That's what they see
As I fold 
Into demise 
I am crippled 
And I walk with out a limp
To make the univers happy 

They see what they want
Never the war under the skin

The casualty's of my soal
It's Ignored 
Never noteised 
I am wounded 
And still I'm stab 

I been at the edge of the cataclysm
Holding every one back
Not wanting them to end
Even if I do

But at the edge of demise
For the first time I smile
Sincearly 
And let the people 
Who caused me pain 
And those who have not
To parish in the chasm

And on that night I could not
Smile
The wars was over
The casualty's was counted
And I waited for the sun 
To show my sins

Pain it's essential for me to feal
To make what I feal with you much more
To engulf me with feelings that not even I can understand
The pain I once felt
You smooth it over
And fill the scares with something of beauty 

Beauty of us is 
That the world has opportunity
For us
For our love
We are endless 
In our pasability 
The sky can't keep us down

All that pain has made us endlessly in love

For ever distent
That's how I must seem
Never grasping of what you can do for me
But that's not how I am
I am thear when you need me
Just never allow you to know it 
That's how I am
You run in my blood
You are my life 
And you don't know it 
You thank I don't see what you can do
But I know all to well
You grasped my heart the first time I saw you
I can't deny how much you changed my life 
I can't demand for you to understand
My heart
But I ask you to seek the truth of the extent I'm willing to go for you
To see I would end my life just to see that smile
Just to cerest you in my arms
I am nothing more than my love
And my love is you

It approaches 
That's all that matters
It comes ever closer 
With a speed that none are clear of
But none can live with out knowing the result 
Death is coming
And I feel her hands grasping for my neck

I see her coming 
Not a threat 
But a promise from reality
She is hear to make the balance 
Her presents scatters all
But I wait for her 

My life I wish was worth more
But because of my own mind I never allow my self
To clim
To aprouch the heart of my existence

I sat never grasping 
As death Grasp for me
She is hear and it's all my falt
I have allowed my life pass me by
Just let the sand seep though my hand

I have forgotten the reson I'm hear 
Never venturing
Never gaining 
Just waiting for her to come
To clame what is hers

But as she grasp my through she stops
"why do u not fear me"
She said this to my emotionless face
"all Flea befor me and yet you stair at me
As if  You could cair less if I came"

"I do not fear you 
Since I knew you would come
I do not reglet leveling this place
For I got nothing for me"

She grasped my hand 
She looked in my lifeless eyes
Her eyes was not like mine
But the opposite 
Thouse eyes showed me what I missed
The crush I alow to flote by
The people I pushed away
She showed me what could of been

That crush becoming more
Her braking my heart
My frainds pick the peaces up
And me continuing my life

"I will be back one day" 
She said as her eyes reflected what I could be
But not because of you
I will come for what you owe
But not now"

She left me 
My complete oppiset
And I cried 
Hear I am seeing nouthing but love and life
And all I cared about was the death
The heartache

But she grasped the reality of life
Death knowing more of life 
Than the living

The morning after I cleaned my wound 
Life seemed just the same
But I still herd deth in my head
Tell Me to live
And so I did
I coted my wounds with a jacket 
And seeked what I could not see
With out death

Contemplating
That's all I do
The way I am
I estimate the existence of myself
Constantly in thought
Ever wondering
Ever doubting
Never knowing
But always
Guessing
 
To see what I see
You have to be half insane
To understand my mind
You'll have to be out of yours
 
For mine never stops
Reality ever changing
My thoughts morphing
Twisting
 
And me
I'm always changing
New revelation
Every moment of the day
Never staying in one state of mind
Just who I am
 
Day to day
I can be someone new
And you’ll never notice
For I never show it
 
In this reality all you see is a guy
But in mine
I don't even call myself human
I'm some thing more and less
I control my fate
And my fate controls me
I am dragged by my love
And I hold it up
I show my heart
And never die
 
My reality is so much more beautiful
But much more painful
For I get to come back to this reality
Where all my dreams are just that
And I mean nothing more than what I can do
 
Contemplations
That's my reality
That's what drives me
That's what I see
When all is clear
I see questions
Where none exist
This reality is my damnation
And my reality is my redemption

I'm not an idiot
I know I'm gifted 
I know I seem like I don't allow myself to fully grasp my potential 
Say what you wish 
I have a method in my life that has worked
Sell your self short 
But exceed all of your expectations
And when I follow this mindset
I see I'm happy
Is that not what we all are looking for
I just find myself exceeding with simple expectations 
And slowly building my skills 
 
I am not an average kid
I am not the kid that wishes to be more
I am happy
That's all there is
I'm happy 
When I started writing 
I had little to no expectation
All I knew was this simple act made me logical
But look at me now
I'm using this simple tool to not just improve my self worth 
But my projection 
What others see
 
That’s who I am
I don't do something just to exceed
I do it because I want to
When I exceed I do not say 
"I will be better"
But instead I just do
Learn
Progress
Watch something
Of which I had no expectation
To thrive  into a life style
A thing not to be my soul 
But to express it  
Not to define me
But to mold my definition
 
But with me finding things I love
I also see people trying to use my love 
Try to make my love into something more
With these new expectations
It makes it all worse 
Instead of just letting something progress naturally 
And fully
I try to exceed to become what their eyes see
To be what gives them hope
And when I do not meet these expectations
That's when I tell myself I've failed
When I say, "just go back, 
Go back to what made you happy"
And so I throw all expectation down and regress
Not because I'm scared of progress 
Just that progress isn't what makes me happy
It's the simple process of being
I fall in love with
The present 
If it leads me to a place so be it
But I like to get there my own way
And time

I  dated a guy once
He said I love dating a poet 
They see detail like artists but explain it in a way we can all understand
They see pain and and express it to give hope
They don't deny thair love even if it is wrong

I loved that man and I still do
But a week ago he said 
I can't keep this up 
You see flaws in me that I turn a blind eye to
You make it all seem fine when there is nothing as such
All I can do is be my self but you make me seem more and less all at once
He has not talked to me since

I can't say if it is my fault
But if I can see, should I be to blame
 all ofl his imperfections that he saw in himself 
I only saw the truth
The truth that he is
The truth that no body else was him
But who am to say these things even if I see them 
Even if I still love him 
It pains me now to look backwards and know all I said I would not take back
Maybe I'm stubborn or selfish but I love him too much to not say my mind 
He is as great as I say even if he won't say it in turn

I do not pity him for not seeing himself as he is 
 I just wished he could see who I am
A man who always wanting to meet a standard
A man who never found a standard
The boy who wished for love 
And doubted it would ever come 
The person who finally found what he was looking for and loved what he found
But none of that mattered anymore
I lost my love 

 I'm not so naive to say he was my last
Hell no! He's not that damn special  
I will go out again with my knowledge and not wait but look for some one else
Someone that I once thought was impossible to find 
To seek the happiness I sought 
because I had it once and lost it
And I need to let out my feelings that I once kept to my self
If I could talk to him one last time I would not say I loved him 
I would not say I hate him but I would thank him
Thank him for the experience
And for his truth and give him this poem and say you made me better 
 you are not me, and I am not you. I will alwase live with you in my heart 
But I won't let that shackle me down. I am not the man that fell in love with you 
I am better 
I will never be the same