I don’t think you know what              it is you want with me
                                                   exactly
I don’t think you want me
                                                   exactly

Do I even want you?    
"Yes. Of course you do."          comes the answer unbidden and unwelcome

If maybe we don’t want one another, why                are we both still hanging onto this
                                                             ­              exactly
If maybe we don't want another then why                isn't it easier to hang onto this
                                                             ­              exactly

old habits die hard
isn’t this where she always runs
straight into the arms of a man

“little miss independent” she acts
in a way maybe she is...
&& they all think they’re using her

each one serves a purpose
a place for her to hide
somewhere to weather the storm

they’re just a quick escape
shelter from the empty
a way to get away from the shambles

each one ends a bit differently
takes a little more out of her
each shambles paves the way for the next

Hey, It's me
You know who I am

I'm here for the long hall
I'm stuck fast, going nowhere soon

don't know how to quit
don't know how to bail

Wouldn't even if I could
It's not my nature

Give yourself (and me) a break
try not to make me wish I could get away

you're constantly split
between trying to protect me from yourself
and letting me in

You can call me kid, but
I promise I'm a big girl.
I know what I'm risking being here

I knew you were a risk
from the first conversation
but your arms feel like where I should be

Maybe it's you
who should find some
safety from yourself

                                          Just maybe that safety
                                                should be me

every time
you ask the same questions
sometimes twice

                     Why on earth are you here with me?
                     You look at me like you genuinely care.
                     Why?

my answers are mangled messes
there's no absolute truth
only many components of why

tonight I am quiet
I contemplate how to say
exactly what I mean for once
  
                            I thought you were adorable, and interesting
                            at that ridiculous icebreaker the very first day.        
                            I do care. You're a genuinely good guy.
                          
Maybe eventually
I'll be able to finish what I mean.
Maybe someday I'll answer:

                            You're everything I've ever waited for...

Every person that comes through the door
I hope is you
I'm hopelessly strung out
reel me back in

I wait
even a glimpse of you
would be plenty sometimes

                   You used to hug me when you saw me
                   even if it was only a 30 second meaning

You didn't
yesterday instead
you said 'hey dude'

                    You're frazzled. I get it. Honestly, I do
                    but a little encouragement wouldn't hurt

I want
you to just tell me
what you want

                    Don't be afraid to hurt me.
                    I'm not as fragile as I look.

I knew what I was getting into from the start.

I'm the kind of girl
who doesn't need much
to stick around for awhile

I'm the kind of girl
who would simply be there
every night if you'd let me

I'm the kind of girl
who doesn't mind
that you get busy sometimes

I'm the kind of girl
who sometimes only
wants to be an extra pillow in your bed

Love of Wisdom
You don’t seem so wise to me
You spend all day questioning
Searching

I’ve noticed this double standard
you don’t like to be searched
you don’t like to be questioned
you object to my endless curiosity

I’m curious
I’m headstrong
I speak my mind
I act

You told me not to try to change you
I ask that you extend me the same courtesy

I just trust you
My gut says it's okay
This all feels....
genuinely okay

I'm still in a state of shock
you're such a conundrum
all at once gentlemanly and crass
lovely and dangerous

Everything you do
leaves me in a state of amazement
You're everything I've ever looked for
trite I know

Your reputation
should leave me terrified
quaking in my shearling boots
It doesn't

You calm me down
Leave me bubbly like champagne
Your body curled around mine
Feels safe

You feel like safety

Is it possible
that you meant
everything you said?

an inquiring,
lonely mind
needs to know

I'd never tell you this
...
I'd never tell anyone this
...
here, in the dark of night
I miss you.
It's not that I haven't replaced you
and replaced you
over and over again

I shiver
...
I can't stop
...
Perhaps it's the time of year; the cold
You were the only love I'd ever had around the holidays
Perhaps it's just the stability I missed; strong arms
You were always my rock
Perhaps it's how my parents loved you; too much really
You were so, so good to me


Maybe I'm just lonely.

'Good Morning Sunshine'
those are words I long to hear
ushered from your lips
as you roll over to caress me awake

If I'm entirely honest,
I simply wish to awaken to you

I'm afraid...
                of being alone in the dark
                of roller coasters
                of relinquishing control
                of hurricanes                and tornadoes
                of letting you love me

I don't want...
                    to go to the race/game/match
                    to eat here
                    to play this game
                    to have sex                just yet
                    to get hurt again

I need you...
                  to take me somewhere
                  to clean this up
                  to talk to me
                  to show me                 and tell me


                  now

Again I attempt patience
Until home again we go
The unknown is all that awaits us
in Loretto other than snow

being loyal is pie
being good is cake
one never wants to lie
when love may be at stake

"don't ever worry
             when we're back at school"
you said
              "you know how I feel
               about you"

of course I do.
  I know what
                      you said
    I remember
    every word