So I just prefer never to start anything at all so that nothing can end, and I cant fall.

I'll wait.

And I'll wait until I find something that seems eternal, and hope I'll finally let myself dive in.

Until then, until then, I'm here till the end.

It starts in your gut
and rises to your tongue.

Gurgling, steaming, boiling rage.

It floods your ears,
it floods your brain,
it floods your eyes,
it feels no pain.

Pursing lips and flaring nostrils,
clenching fists and heavy breathing.

A single word comes from another-
bursting the seal of restraint.

Blackout.

No memory of the stinging jabs,
the words to regret,
the punches to heal.

Just the beat,
                 beat,
                    beat,
of your heart calming down.

Who are you when the rage blackout begins?

Pretty girls falling in love with gauged boys.
Indie kids with their metal toys.

Rainbow locks and couture shine.
Screaming pigs and sweaty dimes.

Two step tangos invite the posers.
Little groupies love on composers.

Hot Topic earrings, bangles, bandanas.
Belting emo ballads from old Kill Hannah's.

Peace signs, fringe bags, head wraps and flowers.
Keeping dreadlocks not because its cool, because you're too tired to shower.

Swooping bangs, pigtails, and braids.
Septum rings, lip rings, sharpen your blade.

OF COURSE: you are all unique individuals.

Peace makers.
Straight edge.
Indie.
Scene.
Emo.
Hippie.
Grunge.
Yourself.

Make sure you don't do what society expects you to do.
Deny your label.

Oh if only you knew.

I wear your clothes to sleep when you're not here just so I can convince myself that you're near.

I can't listen to my music because all I do is hear your voice.

I can't sleep because I remember you're not there.

You don't beg for me back, so I wonder if it was real.

Someday I hope you'll learn what's good for you, because it's me.

You're all I need.

Please just be.

The way you see me makes me want to dance until I break, sing until  
soft spoken, run until I can't breathe anymore.

Well I've never doubted that I need you to survive. Who knew that i  
was never really alive till I found you.

The second time around has been more than just having fun, enjoying  
life. It's been an awakening to my soul.

I told myself not to fall in love because it's proven fake before but  
baby you caught me so off guard that I've never loved anyone more.

The way you kiss me makes me want to dance until I'm broken, sing  
until soft spoken, run until I can't breathe anymore.

I've gotten to the point that I'm willing to do anything to make sure  
there is a forever. But only if you want it with me.

You're my exception to the rules of this dangerous game that we call  
love because falling head over heels with no arms to save you hurts  
the worst.

I know it's right when all I see ahead of me is you and your brown  
eyes staring at me like I'm the only girl in the world.

The sound of your voice can make everything else seem so stupid,  
you're all I ever needed to smile.

I told you I would never keep anything from you so I'm telling you now  
that I'm not ever going to let you go even if you try.

The way you hold me makes me want to dance until I'm broken, sing  
until soft spoken, run until I can't breathe anymore.

The way you love me makes me want to dance until im broken, sing until  
soft spoken, run until i cant breathe anymore, laugh until I'm  
falling, scream love songs at the top of my lungs, jump higher than a  
mountain, fly without ever coming down.

Talking to Myself.

You gave what you got.
He took all you had.
You showed them what he lost.
He knew he messed up bad.
You threw revenge in his face, words, pictures, guilt.
All he could give was "I'm sorry"

All you could ever give me was "Im sorry"
Never a kiss or a hug, or just to be, just because.
Only word or a smile or just "be with me for a little while."

All you gave me was excuses, lies.
Words never actions, you say is just the same.
But when your actions say hate, shame, regret,
you're the only one to blame.

But what happens when he realizes what he lost?

Then what do I have?

A broken heart, loneliness, without a best friend. Helplessness. A future without the lights on, a past too overexposed. A memory, a lifestyle, tears, shame, regret, worthlessness,a nagging pain.

And all it says is "if only i could have stopped him"

Could have. Would have. Should have. Words of the past.

That time machine brain of yours wont do any good. All it does is make things worse. Drill the pain into the memories, remind you of what you could have, would have, should have done.

If only you knew. You thought you did, and yet... you did. You never wanted to believe that all this time all your inhibitions, intuitions, conscience, were true. All of them.

All the lies- i knew. All the excuses- i knew. All the times you said i didnt love you- i knew why. You lied, you cheated, you were the one that didn't love me.

Until you knew that i was gone, every part of me. Then you knew you loved me.

I loved you. Through everything.

I never have loved someone so much. But i wonder, if it was a trick. Did you make me think i loved you? Was it just a movie? Is that why we loved the theatre? Because all we ever wanted to do was be like them. Do it like them. Be them. Our lives were cloned after movies, fantasies, romances, that weren't really there.

A facade. Gilded age of my life and yours.

What a shock to hear that your golden ring has a flint locked core.

And i still love you. everything about you. I wont forget anything about us. But i cant love you. Love is mutual, lies aren't. i cant love you. i cant love you. I CANT LOVE YOU.

If only i could have stopped you. Shown you where we would be right at this moment. Me with another guy, you having 4 others already. Yeah, you wouldn't have listened. Never would believe that you would become the guy you hate.

Your right, not all guys are jerks. JUST YOU.

And here I am. Pathetically.

Missing a guy like you.

Why do I feel so alone
Why do I not want to be around people
I still talk to the Lord though, but not as much
I am happy, I think
But I'm quieter than ive ever been
I just want to dance in solitude
I feel like I have so much to do but I dont want to
Sleep, dream, listen
it's not depression
I feel like time is frozen to some extent
or maybe its just the ice outside.

I dont want to be with you because I know thats not what you want.
you dont want me, I dont know if you ever did
my heart is on empty, broken down, shattered glass
anyone who gets too close will bleed too
that's why I'm waiting for the glue to set, waiting for you to miss me
but for some reason I keep pulling the pieces apart, maybe so I know it was real at some point.
I listen to michael buble and justin nozuka and the fray just to remember, but then regret it because I know it will never be the same.
what do I miss about you though?
do I miss the way you never came to see me?
do I miss the things I did for you that you didn't deserve?
do I miss being forgotten?
do I miss begging you to want me only to get an "I'm sorry"?
do I love who you I thought you were, or who you are now?
not who you are, because I can't love someone who doesnt love me back.

I cant love you.

the second time around shouldve been forever, but I had to be selfish.

I left you because I loved you too much, what a sad thing to say.

I wonder why I keep looking back to the past.

I think Im trying to prove that I've moved on and that I'm a better person now.

But all it does is make me feel terrible.

It makes me sick.

And it makes me wonder what went wrong.

Do I want it back now? NO.

Do I wish I was back to that time? YES.

I know it doesnt make sense but everything did at the time.

I wish I could go back sometimes, but only sometimes.

Maybe its because I feel that my pride is hurt.

Pride isnt the right word but I cant think of anything else to say it more.

Its just a broken heart I guess.

You just cant FIX people I guess.

I need to stop.

Ill make sure that

you'll never forget what you had.

you'll never forget what you let go.

you'll never forget how much I cared.

you'll never forget what you lost.

you'll never forget me.



Im not easy to hold on to. I'd like to keep it that way.

I havent met that hook, line, and sinker.

Im in no rush to find the one today.

But I dont care to waste my time on useless relationships.

You can try and prove me wrong, but again:

Im not easy to hold on to.

its sad that i already miss you and youre not even gone

but the waiting of reunion seems so far away, a dream

sitting in the Florida sunset just isn't the same

i think of you and all the things I wish we could do

please dont run to see if ill catch you

because ill run to see if youll catch me

and in the end we'd both be lost

in the end we'd both be gone


so please dont run. and ill stay with you.


stargazing on the beach till the sun rises

but then again a cardboard box with you would feel the same

dancing in the moonlight with the sand in our toes

singing those electric ballads that brought us together

dont run to see if ill catch you

because ill run to see if youll catch me

and in the end we'd both be lost

in the end we'd both be gone


so please dont run. and ill stay with you.


and these stars dont shine as brightly

when youre not here to let them reflect off your eyes

these Florida breaths just arent the same

without knowing who is with you in that Oklahoma range

these waves dont bring me happiness

these skies dont bring me light

please dont run to see if ill catch you

because ill run to see if youll catch me

and in the end we'd both be lost

in the end we'd both be gone


so please dont run. and ill stay with you.


your smile is just like poison

tastes too good to take me later

but i want to believe youre harmless

but you dont know what you do to me

so dont run to see if ill catch you

because im already waiting at the finish line


so please dont run. and ill stay with you.

You think you have me hanging by a thread

I've had scissors in my pocket this whole time

Ready to cut when you show me the truth

I've known but never recognized

Could have swept the slate clean

But left the chalk marks in the grain

Weakness isn't desirable

Weak knees are what keep me

Unfortunately they came in the same box

Staring at the thread that keeps me

Wishing it wasnt there

Hoping it stays long enough

Wishing it would be a different color

But I'll keep looking at it

Checking my pocket just the same

If you're not going to let me fly
let me dance
And if you wont let me dance
let me sing
If you wont let me sing
let me die

I hope that doing it right is the same as feeling right in the end.

When it felt right, it was never done right, so its always failed.

Tried doing it right, and it failed because it didnt feel right.

And feeling it right the last time ended because we werent doing it right.

I just want doing it right to feel right.

Because when the feeling is right then its the only place I want to be.

So if that is done right, then Ill want to stay.

Finally a forever in the making.

Finally a love that can last a lifetime.

Finally a love God wants for me.

Finally right.

When fame is what your after,

Lonely is what you'll get.

You'd push anyone in front of a train for that star on Hollywood Blvd,

But in years you won't be remembered.

What I'm after is eternal satisfaction,

Not the paparazzi, the gossip, the green.

My reward is far better than this,

and it doesn't disappear when the world does.

I hope your satisfied with your fame,

Or lack there of I can see....

Was it worth it?

Since Ive left

Ive found a new me

Ive replaced you with something bigger,

Because you left a hole that only Christ can fill

I wish you knew how much you meant to me

You'll probably never realize

Im glad youre gone now

Because I would've given anything for you

And I dont like who I am when I am with you

Because I am who you want me to be

Not who God wants me to be

So a year has passed

And its all over

But my life is just beginning

goodbye

scissors out, strings are cut

no more you, no more him, no more anyone

Just me and my God.

I'd do anything for you.

Stand in line for hours just to get you the perfect gift.

Spend my paycheck on a homemade dinner because you had a bad week.

Give you a back rub just because.

Adore you. Become weak whenever you look at me.

Kiss you like I mean it. Every. Single. Time.

You would know I loved you. Even if you didn't always show it back.

Encourage you, strengthen you, support you, no matter what.

Give time that I don't have just to see you smile.

Stare at pictures of us all day because it feels like a dream being with you.

Get butterflies so badly I can barely breathe.

Melt when you simply look me in the eyes.

Serve you because I just love every part of who you are.

Whoever you are.