are the strings
i thought
were holding me up
actually
tying me down?

I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly sexy
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?

It's been almost one whole year, my love.
When will this charade be over?
I've been quiet in the background,
hiding in the shadows,
waiting for the day they all will know.
I never thought it would last this long.

When will I be freed of this indefinite sentence?
When will we stop playing this game of hide & seek?
When will you unveil me?

I'm still waiting...

Most of the
time it's forgotten.
But in times
like this I am
reminded.
I wish you could
come
but you "can't",
wish I wasn't
a secret
but I
"must be".
I am reminded
that we
don't have a
normal, free
relationship
and we never
will.

I watch the couple
walking together in the park
it's getting dark
and I wish you were here with me.
We could hold hands
and walk as they do,
me and you

but we are not free.
I wish I could share
the trees and the sun,
the sound of water as it runs,
with someone besides
all these strangers
surrounding me.
With someone I love.

A man asks me
'What are you doing all alone?"
My only answer
is a question,
"What am I doing?"

If this was a movie
there'd be a
      big fight scene
And we'd
      almost give up
                   all hope.

But at some point
         you'd realize
some things are
     worth war cries.
And you'd      stand up
                            and
                           fight
For our love.

rub against me
make me spark
start a big flame
to take up all this
                cold dark
I burn for you.

Throw water on me
watch the flame
                    disappear
walk away, as I lay
               one the damp ground

leave me feeling cold
     charred,
                 burnt out.

Don't want my ink
Upon your skin
Don't let it in-
But tell me, sweet boy,
What are you afraid of?
That I'll make my mark on you?
A trace of me you can't undo?

Evidence of my love,
my lust,

and yours?

She doesn't know what to do.
The world has forced her on her knees
In front of you.
Leaving her with the pain of asking please.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to do it.
But she has no choice
besides reaching out her empty palms
full of shame.
Begging.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to ask
For things that should be offered.

Feel it start to rise
Addiction bares its large teeth
And sinks them in me

Out on the street
I try hard to outrun it
But it's not easy

Take many calm breaths
I am so close to reaching-
Just a bit farther

Then you say something
Jerkish and insensitive.
I'll write you nothing.

Be careful what you say,
Be careful how you act.
Cause if you make the wrong move
He might get mad.

He might get mad
And say he won't
be coming back,
You lost your one last chance.

So tiptoe carefully
And think before you speak
-keep your tongue in cheek.
Because he's holding back a lot
And he won't tolerate everything.
You get no free passes
to be how you want to be.

So be very cautious,
Pay attention to how you speak
Cause you just might lose
Your one last chance
And then
He'll leave.

"I want you to think about how many
more chances you have."
And at that point
I realized
that at some point
it will be one time too many
And you will decide
You're better off
and turn away
from me.
All these days I have been
believing that we
will stick it out no matter what.
Now
I realize
that is just me.

Well no wonder
You don't stand up
for me
and keep me
a secret.
Now I believe
that's all
I ever will be.

My rage from pain is growing
You do all this without knowing
How much it really hurts me,
How deadly consequences can be.

What's with all this silence?
It brings me to the brink of violence,
To breaking all my promises
Do you think it's really worth it?

In defense of all your pride
You're pushing my heart to the side.
Is this some kind of punishment
For one thing I shouldn't have said?

Well I'd be careful baby
You don't know what you're doing, maybe
You just don't know what's in store
-How dare you say "I love you more"!

You did something wonderful today.
After I stripped down...
You followed (birthday) suit!

my lips can
touch
in such a way
with yours

makes this
a beautiful place to be.

And now it's
"We need to talk to you."
It's
awkward giggles through the wall.
Other sounds,
I don't want to know
at all.
It's her
making breakfast
when she hasn't cooked in years.
It's him
walking in the door
when she's not even here.
It's
trying to avoid
awkward conversation
when I'm
high as a kite
put politeness is the expectation.
It's
things in the house
suddenly being fixed.
It's
extra noise when there should be silence.
It's
wondering if he'll try to be my "dad"
and if he steps out of line
you know I'll fight back.
It's
flattening my quills,
remind myself:
he's a different person.
I guess it's
hard to put a family back together
once it's broken.

      (or never even existed in the first place)

Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        I glow.

I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.

I know before
those words would have been
a blessed rainstorm
in a desert
but now
they seem a bit too much
like desperate measures.
I know before
those sweet three words
would be all I needed
But now my thirst
will only disperse
with something a bit sweeter,
a bit deeper
more than just some promise
of perfect love in the future.
the future is NOW,
my love.
my boat's slowly
drifting off to sea
and if you do not catch it soon
You may just miss out
on me...

Why was I so looking forward to this?
At least before, the smoke filled the emptiness.
There's no big change in being sober
Except for the fact that my frown won't turn over.
Now it seems only loneliness stayed
I can remember things better
    but who wants that anyway?
At least before I wanted to live.
I had something to live for,
    some comfort to get.
I would rather just forget my dreams
If it meant that I wouldn't always want
To rip at my seams
Till they bleed and they bleed
And I bleed no more.

Cause who really gives a shit anyway?