You're like the picture hanging on my cork board
The one you hate seeing
Because even though I don't talk to him anymore I keep it around
Too afraid to finally just tear it down,
You're supposed to be important, like the picture
But lately I've just been keeping you around, I lack so much
Emotion, and you've become as relevant as that
Picture

But you're not him, so you don't hang there staring at me, despondent
Because we don't take pictures together, never have
So it's just him, a million memories on my cork board

Sometimes I wait for the day I come home and
That's exactly what you're doing
Hanging there, just like his picture, swaying
Maybe then I'll take his picture down

I don't mean to break your heart
But I can't stop from seeing his picture come first
And you second

We drove around town when it was
So early in the morning the neighborhoods were still asleep
And the perfect temperature brought us chills
That ran through our t-shirts, keeping us awake
And feeling alive

The music echoed through empty streets as we sat there,
Smiling at the road ahead
I had that tremendous feeling of just being content
The feeling you get when you
Can't seem to stop smiling because everything is just
So perfect for those few minutes

And when we went back home, we never slept
Because we stayed up all night talking,
I haven't felt that innocent in a long time

I looked up at him and we both smiled
Finally, a friend I could be myself around
Someone who was more concerned about my life
Rather than how much I was willing to put out

"In the most platonic sense of the word, I really do love you"

I wrapped my arms around him after he said this and closed my eyes, because
Driving through those empty streets sharing a feeling
I haven't felt in a while, and hearing those perfect words,
Could put me right to sleep, and they did

I've decided to stop
For real this time, I won't go back
So please stop texting me with lies,
I am trying so hard to build
Enough confidence to tell myself I
Don't need you anymore
And you're making this
Really hard and
I'm tired of coming home sore
With no excuses left to tell myself anymore,
So please let me be,
I have decided to stop
But that word doesn't seem to be in your
Dictionary

I gave in and saw you again,
You picked me up and drove me to your apartment
The usual, I don't know what else I was expecting
But this time we went straight to your room
And I didn't have much say in this
Because you pushed me ahead of you
And you closed the door and I knew what was next
I didn't really mind, I just wish we could have
Talked for a little
Every time I tried, you would shut me up
With interrupting kisses and greedy hands
Definitely not in the cute sort of way
So this time I said no, for the first time actually
I had to say no a couple of times
You're really persistent
And you know me too well, which is weird
Because I like to tell myself you don't know me at all
When I gave in, you pushed me on top of you
I really hate being pushed around
Which would probably surprise you
And funny how as soon as your finished with me,
You get a text and tell me I suddenly need to leave
It doesn't make me sad, because I don't even like you
As a person, never mind a friend or anything more
For now, I'll tell you there won't be a "next time"

But when that time comes, could you be a little more subtle?

Seven months wasted, because when I think
Of us, I think of the day you
Told me I wasn't thin, and the nights
You would tell me to leave you alone
And the next mornings where
I was expected to be in your bed
Followed by the day
You dumped me because of a
Pregnancy scare,
And how I was always too
Childish
Or how I wasn't allowed
To hang out with other boys
The day I dyed my hair, you said you liked it better
Before, and when you got mad
Because I didn't want to fuck you right when
You wanted it,

So when I think of
You,
I think of seven months wasted
And no, I don't smile

I look to God,
Because it's all I can do.

Maybe I'm trying
To grow up
A little too
Fast, because
When you push
Me against the couch
And arrange me
The way you
Want,
I never seem to
Have the courage
To softly speak,
"Stop"

But

This isn't a tragic story
Of what happened to a young girl, not at all,
I just think
Maybe,
I tried to grow up
Too fast, and now I'm in
Over my head
Screaming only to myself,
"Stop"

Once we started talking again, all these
Memories came flooding
Back, back down into the
Crevices of my
Heart

Where they are warm and welcomed
By a thin coat of
Blood, that
I pump to keep alive;
I just wish it felt more like love than
Memories

But of all the things that
Rush back in a
Hurry
I still cannot quite grasp
Your middle name

The same name you had told me
Many times before,
And
That is enough for me
To hide you away in fear
Yet again,
With a thicker coat of blood

Because if I have forgotten your
Middle name, then
I don't think I'm
Ready
To relive your memories
Quite yet

There was a boy I would meet in the woods
The really cautious kind that always seem to speak softly

He had a way of making me feel innocent
Because when he was afraid to kiss me, I was nervous too

And he told me stories of the ocean and hidden pearls
So when I asked if he would meet my parents he was surprised

The thoughts in his head were unbearably sad
Because I told him he was special and he looked away

When he said he loved me it was the one time anyone actually meant it
So I didn't have to feel guilty the first time I got under the covers

He said his dream was to become a florist
That's why he would always pick me flowers from the woods

And when I pushed him away with everything I had,
He fought me with a smile and open arms

He spoke to me in a language of fluent kisses
But not one of them went without meaning

At least not at first

Then there was a boy that grew tired of holding hands
So when he would meet me in the woods, he wasn't as soft spoken

The flowers he gave me were just as beautiful
But they were a reason for me to follow him to his room

And the woods turned into a place of the past
Because we never had time to hike to our favorite spot

He didn't want to be a florist anymore because it wasn't practical
So he wanted to be a biologist instead

And soon we were both pushing eachother away
But we knew neither of us were going to be there with open arms

There was a boy I would meet in the woods
And in time he left me with empty lips and dying flowers

He painted a flower on his chest
A single petal elegantly circled his heart
Kind of like me in a way
Because in that moment in time
I swore I had his heart
And he too, was encircling mine

But as the wind blew the flower did sway
And the paint did smudge
So my pedal was swept and smeared
Into the wind and away from his heart
Separating the pedal from its home

But lucky for him, his flower did grow
And its beauty did adjust
Because when I had left, he still had
Four more pedals to take my place

But when his pedal flew out of my painting,
Away from my heart and into the wind,
All the others had fled too, taking the life of my flower
And alone stood fragments of an unfinished painting

Because we both know I've never had a green thumb,
And am certainly not an artist

Your couch has gone from
Mysterious to
Comfortable, quickly to
Inviting, and then
Peaceful,
Becoming necessary and
Right before my eyes it changes to
Lusting, then a chance of
Loving, and back to lusting, until
Another wide turn to the start:
Mysterious.
But it never goes back to
Comfortable again, it is
Frightening, another change
To inevitable,
Controlling to
Addicting, and soon
I am thinking in
Circles, back to lusting,
But the couch has stayed
The same, and
It is only me who is seeing things
Differently

I want to erase you out of every crevace your ghost hides in,
Kind of like Clementine, and I'll never have to think of you again
But every time I give you up
The memories seem to crawl into the back of my mind,
Where I cannot think, and they slowly infest my heart, where I cannot love

So this is my effort in writing the last poem I will dedicate
To missing us, not being with you
You are leaving my mind and soon enough my heart,
Being erased for the last time, and I can't say
I'm sorry

My bones crack
With an unbearable
Pressure
And this next-to-last breath
Leaves my mouth in a hurry
Running,
And all those hidden anxieties
Burst in frustration, even if
Only for a short
While,
And
Soft spoken words
Turn so hard
My family refuses to listen

But now this time will be the last time
And this collapse is
Permanent
So when my last breath,
Anxieties, and soft words
Leave
My family will have wished they listened
To their daughter's
Bones cracking the
First time
Around

Take it back, please
I do not want
Your gift anymore because
It lives in my sheets
Making it hard to sleep
Every night
I am thinking
About him
And whether or
Not
My gift hides in his
Sheets, or
If it is tucked
Away in a closet
Of embarrassing laundry
His mother will never
Clean

Why should I let go when your smell still lingers in my sheets
And your t-shirts still hug me good night

Because when I am lonely you are the only person in my head

And the thought of us together years from now is a thought
I fall asleep with every night when you are away