Worthless
Waste of space
time
money
oxygen
Selfish
Self absorbed
naive
arrogant
liar
A Piece of Crap
that people get annoyed with
from stepping on
and slide your nothingness away against the
hot
rough
concrete
Worthless
is what you have made of yourself

The fan whirring by and by
sounding off any unsettling thoughts
The heat still settled
unwilling to move
The dark dew outside my window seeps in
releasing an exausting sigh
The sheets clean
and comfortable
The body tired
and worn
Yet
sleep will surely never come tonight
for there is too much in tomorrow

people feel things differently
go through things differently
learn differently
I don't understand why there's a comparison
why there's a need
to compare feelings with others
we're different
with different backgrounds
why compare
the incomparable?

waking up in a bed
too soaked in tears
too worn by the thrashing body swarmed by nightmares
too old to hold back its squeaks
too tired of the stupid nonsense that occurs on random nights
waking up in a room
that has been beaten
that has been stormed through
that has been yelled at
that has been deteriorating by the guests' own selfishness
waking up
is hard to do
when the first thing you see each god damn morning
is your own self destruction

The crisp sounds
of the trail
the pure nature
the peace of it all
yet
A headache that was too much to bare
made my nose drip blood
and taint some purified leafs
Guilt began to strangle me
I picked up the two stained leafs
the leafs illuminated the color red
against its dark brown canvas
my nose was still bleeding
The crisp sounds were shuttering about
I fall to my knees
with the leafs in hand
I look up to the branched covered sky
and think
Guilt
the feeling tightens around my neck
and my wrists
making me let go of the leafs
the pressure in my skull made the blood from my nose spew
the constriction grew stronger
and stronger
as I fall to my side
and grasp for one last breathe
i think
Guilt

taught to hide
to leave alone
to push aside
I fucked up
taught to show nothing
to put a smile on
to not allow anyone in
I fucked up
taught to
fuck up
I never knew what I was doing
I wanted more
but couldn't show it
couldn't say it
couldn't do it
when you asked
I fucked up

slowly stepping barefoot on the white powdered pebbles
way up high on a roof top
there was a small garden with tomatoes to the left of me
i don’t know why i thought they looked so nice
but they did, and i stared.
still stepping on the pebbles,
feeling the sensitive nerves tingle to the some what sharp points
i kept walking
walking until i reached an edge.
the garden was behind me now
but i could still smell the freshness
i look down to the vacant street
it was so far down
a gust of wind went through my fingers and around my body
gently caressing my cheeks
i looked up to the beautiful sky, as i often do
and take a deep breathe
nothing but the scent of the garden filled my mind
i leap
i leap off of this high building getting closer to the maximizing street
something takes hold of me though
tightly
it was a rope
it was itchy for those few seconds around my neck
as i kept falling
there was a sudden stop
maybe 10 feet above the ground
my feet shook like mad
the rope didn’t break my neck, but was certainly suffocating me
constricting more and more against my throat
there was no more smell of the garden
there was chaos
worry
care
concern
fear
laughter
tears
anger
memories
dreams
funneled in so rapidly as i fight for a single full breathe
i just so missed the smell of that garden

You can smile
even let out a chuckle
or two
You can tell stories
and listen to others
with curiosity
You can be a pretty damn convincing
functional
human being
But are you really?
Are your sleep deprived
and constant scrambled thoughts
eluding you from ever feeling whole
feeling complete?
Or do you make those small chuckles and stories
bigger and grander
than what they actually are
only fooling yourself of being whole
being complete
Either way
you are stuck at night
thinking of how it would be
to never wake up from a restful sleep
to never push a chuckle
a smile
a story
to truly be at peace
to be rid of all scrambled thoughts
and memories
to sleep a restful sleep

Too tired to think
To eat
to do anything
All the energy
Drained
From avoiding the infamous "sad" radar
Putting on a smile
sharing a forced laugh
Remaining uncovered
Too tired
To keep this up.

When I see your face
I hide away
but what can I do
when your face is sketched into my dreams?
hide?
from what exactly?
I feel the anxiety build
whenever I see your face
but still
it is only a dream
Why do I want to hide
in the dis-concerning safety of my dreams?

confusion seems to be simply an excuse for people to hide behind their true feelings
but for me
if i use the word confusion, then i am truly confused
boredom seems to be the reason why people do stupid things
but for me
if im bored ill find something productive to do, and not just waste my time
lonesome seems to be the reason why people find things to do with people they shouldn't have anything to do with
but for me
if im lonely ill go chill with friends or my dogs, and won't do things that are stupid or could hurt me
please don't confuse me for all the other people you so confidently think i fit in with
for if those are the things you think everyone does and think im doing the exact same
then you don't know me at all

The time passing by
some seconds so slow
some hours so fleeting
The memories holding on
to my brain
to my weak heart
The love we shared
never ending
never releasing
The pain of your distance
is the worst
is unbearable
The thought of you at peace
makes me jealous
makes me want to join you
The people I care for now
care enough for me to stay
care enough for me to want to stay

oh how you lie
you smile behind that windex cleaned glass
secured by an overpriced frame
placed high up
for others to blankly stare into your lie
and laugh at the story
that is so broken
oh how you lie
you image of happiness

the scorched
the torn
the shattered
the tossed
the scarred
the bleeding
the conflicting
the bullshit covered bullshit with bullshit filling
the living
the dying
the end

the bullshit
the lies
the fake tears
the fake laughs
the pushed feelings
the everything
is unreal
is a waste of my time
is underestimated in power
is tearing me apart

to push down this volcanic feel
that will burn anyone in the way
that will destroy everything
is getting harder to do
while one person pushes down
at least a dozen pull
if only those idiots knew
what destruction will come
what harm they will release
if only that one person was stronger
to push down this volcanic feel
is one of the hardest things to do
as well as the most stupid
because once released
(which is inevitable)
the person who has been pushing down for all this time
will be the one hurt the most
pushing down this volcanic feel
wont last long

these beauties
exuding love
care
affection
and fun
these beauties
sharing secrets
tears
conversations
and laughs
these beauties
unknowing of my feelings
my care
my love
and over all joy
when i see their face

the silence
is equal
as a slap in the face
the blank stares
is the same
as a punch in the stomach
the emptiness
is kin
as a stab in every muscle with a rusty knife

Lightning
stricking down the worry
peircing through the pain
Thunder
booming the voices to silence
thrashing the care to the side
Freedom
is what i feel
when the sky is full of darkness
and the others are buried in the comfort of their home