After the day you were diagnosed
I visited your favorite oak
all mossy and boundless
the one I was always too young to climb
and as I sat on that russet branch
transfixed between shade and stillness
I thought of you dying
just the plain sorrow of it
and of how the children of four
will later be three

And how one day
I will be older
than you'll ever be.
You would never again
be older than me.

I'm not going to think about him
I'm not going to think about how tall he is
I'm not going to think about how his face is unevenly freckled
I'm not going to think about the many creative nicknames he had for me
I'm not going to think about how he had a small dog that will forever resemble a puppy
I'm not going to think about how cute he looked like the time we got high
I'm not going to think about when we sat alone in the theater at 10:30 on a Tuesday night to watch a kids film
I'm not going to think about how he quit smoking because I said it wasn't hot
I'm not going to think about how excited I got after knowing we would be working the same shift
I'm not going to think about how after grating cheese he slipped and fell dropping everything
I'm not going to think about how he started to sign his initials with a heart
I'm not going to think about how he could make a whole room smile
I'm not going to think about how he teased me for my Obama buttons
I'm not going to think about how he slowly stopped texting back
I'm not going to think about how Chipotle doesn't allow employees to date
I'm not going to think about how he still wanted to be friends
I'm not going to think about what he's doing right now
I'm not going to think about how he would always call to remind me how beautiful he thought I was
but he doesn't call anymore so he must have someone else to do that for now.

Get your hands off me

I can't pretend they don't feel like his
Like they don't persuade
and try to convince me it's normal

Don't tell me it's out of love
to make me feel safe
to not feel vulnerable

Don't pretend like you're different
Like your intentions are pure
and won't forever haunt my dreams

The hands that only take
The hands that strip childhoods

Get your filthy hands off me

Every emotion I've felt
Every thought that I'll think
Has been on loose leaf
Written in ink.

Pages upon pages
In memories of
Past anger and hate,
A young girl's love.

No eyes pass over those words but mine
Such secrets jotted line by line
This body's an empty shell
While my thoughts are confined

The thoughts I will not let leave my lips
Are now ink running down a page
Talking to paper
Has kept me sane.

Last night
in my dream
you died.

A sadness
swept
through my body
and out my eyes
leaking all
regrets
and moments
with you now
lost.

I believe
I dreamed this
not because I
hate you
or wish you gone,
but because
I needed to be
reminded that
I have, indeed,
had a heart
all along.

I remember the
first time
my English class read
Madea
and I thought
she must be
insane.

Betrayed and
confused, she
was cracked
like a dropped China
plate. Beautiful,
but broken.

Now years later,
looking back,
I think
differently.

I understand now
how being
shattered
is really like.

Betrayed and
confused, I
am now cracked
like a dropped China
plate. Broken,
but now I understand.

It's not healthy
to think of
you
so much.

Neither is it
to imagine
those frosty blue
eyes, or
fiery red hair.

Or that little
smirk
you give, when
you think you're
right.

It's not healthy
to imagine the
feeling of your
fingertips,
sending chills all
down
my
spine.

Or your warm
lips,
pressed gently
against mine.

Or the smell
of your hugs,
when you'd
hold me
safely in your
arms.

Or how happy
you made
me, how
you made
me feel whole
again,
how you didn't
make me cry
so much.

It's not healthy
how much I still
think about you.
But not a day
goes by,
where I don't miss
being able
to love,
and be loved
back.

It was perfect timing
For Aeolus to  release chill winds
And vegetation to freeze over
What was once beautiful, now dead.

All life gone, only leaving silence
Just the echoes from shoes tapping
The nights now deeper, lonelier
As if it were perfect timing.

Spring's time spent growing
Thriving from care and patience
Is all stopped, murdered
In the time of Winter's night.

You had perfect timing
Before fall, planted love in my heart
Then hatched, spreading its wings
Tearing me apart.

Hit like a ray straight from space
Sets Blaze to the terrace
As I watched through the shutters
Like I wasn't first to discover
Understanding finally
Wish only sooner
Roll my eyes like the tide
Step forward full stride
It fell through the implied
What should be,
Like anger and rage,
Could shrug off my shoulders
Smile took surprise
Like a high note for the played
Scribbled in cut time
By a boy in the now
If only I had
Thought before agree
If only I could go back
See you for you initially
You're dead to me.

The large buzzing from the crickets
Distracted me on my walk
The noise gained all focus
Ending my train of thought

Causing a ruckus in the trees
So many bugs in that loud army
Conquering my paranoia and troubles
For once making this walk easy

It's a shame my brain's thoughts
Combusting and running around
Could all be silenced
Solely with that one reoccurring sound

Many would think buzzing a nuisance
Some might agree it's nothing new
But I will thank the noise
Because it let me stop thinking about you