Nadia Alicia Hack
I am a wind up doll
Placed on the shelf with nothing to do at all
I'm made from wood that was polished and painted
But I'm still plain, old and a bit faded
I have a faded golden pin stuck in my back
If wound up, it makes me walk
Walk, talk, sing, breathe, feel
It makes me real
And it makes me help you with anything you need
And do whatever you want me to do
Sounds nice, does it not?
To have a doll to do what you wish
Just wind her up whenever you need her
She'll always be there on the shelf waiting
And won't go anywhere
I am nothing but a wind up doll
Who cannot wind herself up
If I need someone to wind me up
So I can move, breathe or feel for myself
There is no one
You see,
They only wind me up when they need me
For I am just a wind up doll
A sad, lonely, miserable wind up doll
You’re smiling at me so sweetly
I look into your eyes and I fall in love
Swept away my emotions
Escaped my world to get lost with you in yours
I fell in love
Everything is so blissful and happy
Smiles, hearts and love everything
I can’t get enough of you
You can’t get enough of me
We are in love
Walls break down
We’re out of our shell
We’re in that comfort zone
I trust you
Is it true love?
Fighting, screaming, problems
We’re took each other for granted
Disagreements, mistakes, pain
We won’t stop arguing
Stop, remember our love
You’re who I want to spend my life with
And no one can replace you
We’ll work it out
We’ll make up
Because you’re the one I love
Remove the clothes off your quivering body
Deluge yourself in the blazing hot water
And for a moment, just a moment
Feel your problems momentarily melt away
Just stand there and cry
No one can see your tears here
No one can hear you weeping over the sound of the shower
I love hot showers
They give me a moment to get away
From all my problems, pain, sadness
It’s just me
Me and the hot water
I can feel it melting me
It stings, but I like it
The hot water fogs the mirror
Wipe the glass
Look yourself in the eyes and see the flicker of happiness
But only for a moment
Then they get dull and lifeless again
Look away
For you can’t stand to look at the person you've become
You're cutting me open
Then healing me with love
You give me the pain
Then you give me the happiness
You make me a smile
Then tears fall
I'm confused
Should I be happy?
Sad?
Vexed?
I'll just stay by your side and fake a smile
Darling, lets pretend that I'm happy
Shall we make a game of it?
I'll face all the pain with a smile on my face
Don't worry, my love, for you won't see a single tear fall
But, just because it isn't seen doesn't mean it isn't there
Because sometimes even the rain falls silently
Without a single sound
Silence
But fare not, I won't lose the game
I'll smile my sweetest smile
And look you in the eyes
Do not worry, darling
I will be fine.
Do you see them?
I do
Do you hear the screaming?
The panic?
The chaos?
I do
Beautiful yet terrifying
It makes a chill go down your spine
Everyone is hiding
Everyone is scared of the pain
Flee, my love, don't let them get you
Flee and leave me behind
For I won't run
And I won't hide
Why?
What makes me stand here so fearlessly?
The fact that my nightmares already became reality.
Won't you come over to my world?
See things the way I do
It's hard to relate to you
When you're so far away
Far away in your world
Won't you join me in mine?
I tried to come to yours
But I'm too different
Your world doesn't accept me
They banished me
My thoughts, they're too stubborn
They won't change
Won't you at least try to join me?
For the distance,
I fear,
Is destroying me
I'm not different
I'm the same
Just like the rest of them
Nothing you say will make me think otherwise
Because actions speak louder than words
I'm just another person
In this big, vast world
I'm just like them
I look in the mirror
Who are you?
What do you mean to them?
Look away,
Because I can't stand looking at me
I'm the same
I hate it
My subconscious is out to get me
It wants to destroy me
It wants to ruin my way of thinking
It wants me to hurt you
It haunts my mind before I go to sleep
It pesters me in the morning
It won't leave me alone
My subconscious is out to get me
I tell it to shut up
I tell it to be silent
It starts screaming
Stop it
Save me
Help!
Give me a lock and key
So I can lock my feelings away
Seal them into my heart
Where they can never harm me again
Throw the key away
So they will never escape
Sadness, fear, jealousy, hate
Let them never resurface again
Hide that my heart is uneasy
Lie,
And say it doesn't bother me
Smile,
Make them believe it
"They're all the same"
Aren't they?
Change, you say, but why?
It makes no sense
"They're all the same"
Shut up
Can't they be different?
"They're all the same"
Stop. I don't want to listen
Shut up, you're hurting us
"They're all the same"
Get out.
Get out of my head
Out of my thoughts.
Can't I change the way I think?
Why won’t you believe that they can be different?
Why must my heart be uneasy?
"They're all the same"
Maybe
Death's cold kiss upon my lips
Touch me gently when you take me away
Send cold shivers down my spine
Let freedom be mine
Kiss of death
So harsh, yet gentle
So cold, so tender
Yet with such force
I'll give myself up, so don't be rough
Give me a kiss
A kiss of death
Whisk me away into an endless slumber
Where the light doesn't shine
Where the heart doesn't beat
Where my body will run cold
Give me the kiss
The kiss of death
Why don't I feel anything?
Why do I feel so numb?
Is this all to live for?
Is this all my life is worth?
Am I still breathing?
Is my heart still beating?
It is, isn't it?
Then why do I feel so dead?
Take a knife
Stab it through me
Let me see myself bleed
And prove to me
That I,
The person whose life seems to have no meaning,
Is still alive
You saw me with potential
A separate person from the others
To you, I had my own path
My own life
But now you left this world
You left me alone
You took all the light away from me
And all I see is now is the darkness
The shadows are consuming me once again
The loneliness strikes again
I feel forgotten, invisible, and indistinguishable from the others
Those who aren't too busy comparing don’t even care
I wish just once, they would believe in me
But how can I wish for that, when even I don’t believe in myself
Sadness is hidden in her eyes,
but she covers it up with a fake smile
She cries herself to sleep every night
hiding her tears from the light
She brightens up everyone's day
even though she can't brighten up her own
She acts strong when she's really not
She tries so hard to not break down,
but she can't help it when she does
She's so good at hiding her sadness that you'll never notice
And even if you did,
You will never be able to save her
You’re always on my mind
And love is our connection
Your love makes me blind
And to you I give all my affection
There are no words that can express
How much you mean to me
You’ve captured my heart with success
I’ll love you forever, that I guarantee
You’re all I need
Together in life we’ll succeed
I look forward to all our future memories together
Without you I feel life does not matter
Your love, care and attention
That’s all I needed from you
All I ever wanted was your affection
And for you to hug me, that’s all you had to do
Do you even remember me?
Am I just another one of your mistakes?
The one you never want to see
Do I hold place in your heart?
We share the same blood, don’t we?
It hurts that I’ll never know why you reject me
I’m the only one hurting from this, you know it’s true
Don’t try to disagree
You have two children of your own that need you
But what about me? Don’t I need you too?
When the world seems to be against me
That’s when I need you most
But where are you?
I will never be free
Free from the pain and questions that ponder my mind
Questions that will never be answered
I don’t need you anymore
But I’ll still always wonder what it’s like to call someone “Dad”
I feel so happy and relaxed with you,
When I think of you each night and day,
And when I see you, I see the love of my life,
I love you more than words can say
You're mean for making me write this
but I still love you
I’m crazy for you, it’s true
I could hug, kiss and tease you till life is done
Together, we do weird stuff and have fun
You always find a way to make me smile
and my heart is truly in your hands.
I love you, you bastard ♥
Sweet little bird, why don’t you fly away?
No one wants you here but yet you still stay.
Naïve little bird,
They treat you like trash
They stab you in the back
They show that they don’t want you
And push you away
But in their time of needs, you stay
Stupid little bird, you have wings of your own, you have nothing to fear
Spread them and fly, don’t shed another tear
Lonely little bird, to them you are invisible
Fly to the sky and show them you are invincible
Sweet little bird, why do you still stay?
Are you hoping that they will want you someday?
Feelings get hurt,
Hearts get broken,
Tears flow and smiles disappear,
You're not here and I'm alone,
I don't know what to do anymore.
