My Love fills your lungs,
like a crashing wave
swallowing the air from your life.
I'm the rocks around your legs,
betraying the lies:
dragging the truth with each step.
I'm the shadow in your darkness,
lurking with our pain.
My Loving your Tormentress.
I'm so sorry.
My hurt kills you slowly.
My heavy, iron heart
keeps us chained in the fire.
I've crawled across the ground,
my concrete body and my tears,
like guilt towards the water
where my love can slowly drown.
tiny little Thing,
the size of a bean,
Your Life in my hand.
the power of Your presence,
forever my life lesson:
teaching me who i am.
despite the soul i returned,
from earth to heaven,
i feel part way forgiven.
Your spirit lives on,
in my humble pursuits
to dream, to smile, to be strong.
in this new life i was given:
some days I'm lost on the breeze,
others are breathless and reverent.
for the life I so foolishly took.
With love that is Yours
Always honoring this day,
when it was I who was born.
In memory of 3 September 2009
The night is thick.
Far away a train,
drumming its way out of town,
In the dead silence of darkness;
My breath frosty in the air,
underneath this weeping tree -
I whisper to the shadows:
secrets, truths, my love for thee.
searching for a storm
to re-live the madness.
in this darkened silence,
my insecurity and your empty coldness,
stab slowly at us.
all the pain turned me ugly.
your hurts cutting you up.
i've become your tormentor:
reminding you of tears,
once filling our embraces.
you reject any kind of love.
i bundle my hope into tears:
letting them fall to nothing,
like saved memories spilling off my cheeks
left to linger in the corners of our hearts.
written 23 June 2013 - re-written 5 September 2013
The passion and desire from the days of absence
The fever of the return,
The desire only fed by her
Wept within his sleeping eyes.
He’d enter with softness
And there he would keep her,
Until it was time to leave her.
And days would go by,
He’d be filling her space secretly,
Willing himself to release her.
Then after hours and days
He’d tap lightly at her door,
Look deeply into her eyes
And stole the life from within her.
Finally he broke
And the truth he spoke.
When he left again, she lay there
Helpless and cold upon an empty room floor.
I've seen the truth in the darkest places,
And I've learnt that anything could happen.
It's never what we think it is,
Even if we have all we need.
In the mornings' finest hour,
We were stripped of each other.
There I discovered it's gonna be okay,
As I watched you silently slip away.
And it's never what it seems,
Because anything can be.
the way Your eyes stroke my heart
in the moments of our silence.
a gentle storm of unsaid hurts
pressing against our bodies:
all the while i forgive it all,
i love You more, more, so much more
You walked away the next day
using my soft feet to take You
through the thorns and rocks,
through the shattered shards of hope:
a trail of unwanted love
stealing my tears one-by-one.
and maybe, maybe i'm just bad.
bad for tracing Your smile
with my lips; with my soul.
because i can't let You sail
while my skin feels You:
touching Me in ways words are never true.
(there is no date on this reworked poem)
every touch you gave
like icy water kissing my toes
aching in my legs into my heart.
every word strangling my throat
like a suicide rope.
your voice an earthquake in my veins.
an inability to comprehend
the truths you strung;
ripped through my calm composure
and i shattered the silence with my pain.
my desire to lash out and destroy you,
choked us like gas fumes.
you had chained my body
and watched as my heart died:
with each atomic lie.
i stared; i listened; i yelled:
my truths slapping your face,
like an angry mother's hand.
i snarled at your spilling tears,
fruitless in softening me.
Because, I stared into your eyes,
no shift driven towards your core
despite your cries and your betrayal;
treating me like i couldn't possibly,
ever in your eyes, be worth so much more.
So far away now,
mountains and oceans apart.
but I can feel your heart:
its pounding in ecstasy,
its sleeping beats.
Every move you make
flutters here like a leaf-
enough to rustle my heat.
Smallest images betray
the places of your feet
as you journey further from me.
No distance has yet torn us
of the binding chords
of the invisible love and lust.
Despite the torment
of the hurtful beds
you now carry me into.
I twist myself around
hoping to escape this
and run out of sensations:
of your every touch, every pulse, every kiss
which you give another
some place I've never asked to be.
I wish you would really leave me.
you won't seek
you won't try
you never wanted me
to happen in your life.
you won't come
you won't go
just to keep me
as someone you know.
you won't shout out
you won't reach out
to grab my slipping
presence you never wanted about.
you won't carefully hold
the massive heart so full
of the friendship and ease
that was forever our push and pull.
you won't open up to see
that standing here is only me
with no other quests
than hoping you're eternally free.
you won't choose this
you won't choose me
you may turn one day sadly
wondering why you miss,
why you wouldn't choose this.
Toe pirouettes kissing the water's face,
I follow the river's ebb.
My eye stretching to its horizon:
beyond it, I let my heart go...
Rushing immeasurably across unknowns,
wondering if it will find what it dreams:
this sunshine, this breeze,
washing quietly over me.
I'm glowing in God's spotlight.
Souls' diamonds in my eyes!
Breath deepened and arms splayed beneath
tall grass and willow trees;
hopes floating to the skies:
spirit set free!
I woke up this morning: pale, blue dawn - winter comes.
The sound of your breath all around me, lingering.
Your warmth, tucked beside me.
My eyes fluttering while rolling over -
You are not there, of course.
Slowly the blinking - the glare of daylight;
Slowly the silence - warning: it's too early.
Quickly the snuggle against a pillow barricade:
Like a jolting disturbance - dreaming resumes.
Faint shivers, warm touches fading.
Sleep numbs the world into safety once more.
A gloomy afternoon, pouring rain,
the smell of wet streets, coolly pressing my skin.
I tug the fleece over nodding muscles: gone.
an echoing ripping me into the falling rain.
A voice that is yours in subconsciousness-
I hear you within these walls: my heart pounds.
Sleep ruptured and dreams dissolve;
You are not here amongst the rain:
And, I am not soaked because of the downpour outside.
There's no one here.
Just a bird beyond the window.
Where are you, then?
You used to be here, I recall.
Or were you...
were you ever really here at all?
Some days are like this:
awakening, reaching for your hand;
slumbering wears off with each blinking second:
And I forget you inside fading dreams.
I get up to face my days,
feeling like there is no one I miss. \
Too soon did things blow away:
with the wind went the truth.
And certainty remained lost,
to the dark morning hours:
A place my heart bloomed for you
and later burned 'til black and blue.
Too easily did the river run dry
with endless weeks of searing tears,
ripping open the agonies of love
unrequited, weaved in shadows:
The torment of which all hopes are soiled.
Beaten by lies of secrets well toiled.
Too fatefully did the soul shrivel
under the brutal lashings of Unwant:
carving hollows into the passions,
dredging the unworthy pangs deeper.
To the bottom of the world without light,
one may find a BROKEN HEART without fight.
Dusty smells stir with the howl.
Echoing between the rattling cobwebs of this cave.
There's an army marching, drumming
through the rot of these commotions;
Strewn like splatter upon this ground,
without evidence of any past sound.
There's a streak of sunshine
crashing through the cracks,
pressing against a dried crust of face
caked in the ashes of war:
a battle turned silent;
the wounded, free of it's tyrant.
Out there in the empty space,
rain begins to fall.
All that is dead and hard,
slowly unravels, twirls, crawls.
Blinking at the sharpness
of what remains left in this darkness,
scattered alone across the floors.
Dream Talker, wordless in sunlight;
timeless truths in unconscious hours:
Where are you?
Where is your heart?
Are your mumblings of affection benign?
Or is your soul fighting-
fighting to be released from your mind.
You are the flame ignited by the sun,
before Dawns' scent merges with the horizon.
You are the darkness which numbs,
and the silence that deafens.
As you slumber beside me,
you stir a well of words through your breath:
A speech for no one but for Love.
I wanted to see flowers open for me;
I wanted to see treasures within this sea;
I wanted to hope with my eyes closed;
I wanted all lies with new hand disposed.
Like a fool,
I believed in everything that already deceived;
And in my hope you retrieved
final breath of love seeded within me,
stealing life as though it were for the taking:
In this revelation I am lifeless and forsaken.
And no flowers in beauty will greet,
no treasures spill at my feet.
My eyes flutter in darkened skies,
while my heart cracks with decades of lies.
So undeserving in my lighted embrace,
So undeserving to behold this broken face,
So undeserving to steal my heart beats:
So undeserving am I, of these cruel defeats.
You are all the demons of my nightmares,
You are the epitome of one who cannot care.
You are the lost one, among stars who cries:
The one who burns love with stealthy, inhumane lies.
Like a fire crackling
despite the wash out,
despite the torrential storm
despite there being no flames...
Like a wave crashing
despite there being no rock,
despite no shoreline,
despite there being no ocean
No things that live
can move in your wake
can breathe in your space
can look upon your face.
There is no vision
for something unreal
for something a lie
for conscious-less souls.
Like a man in skin
despite the brazen force
despite the greed
despite that which deceives life.
There's a pounding in my head
breaking down my thoughts.
You carelessly step
in the silent space of mine.
Crushing through my images
A pathway to my soul.
In your attempt to withhold
you tore down my walls:
Nothing left to lean on
and no escape from the lies you told.
Deep inside my silent mind
there's a drumming of your fears.
And my diversions take me no where:
a river which flows too deep,
of emotion you wish to drink;
or a road so dark and lonely
only tears give me comfort.
Because you pushed me to my edge.
Upon the ledge of pain I see
a landscape covered in carnage:
deceit and betrayal burn the hope,
scorched and charred my view.
There can be no forgiveness
until millennia heal this stench.
As my eyes wonder to yours,
moist with guilt and hatred,
my sorrow turns to rage:
Because even then you fail to try.
Instead I find within
A silent whispering echo: "These too are lies."
My heart overruns the pounding head
with a racing heart on fire.
I'm burnt and broken inside these thoughts,
which wonder aimlessly.
Some days I look out to the world,
wondering when I'll be done with you.
you took the ground upon which i walked and made it my sky
you took my hands and you taught me
my dreams, they can fly.
you took my heart that had died
shook it with all your passion
and set it afire with all life's storms.
you brought me to my knees
for love, for pain, for life
and then you set me free.
I thought I could
just this one time
in my very innocent life
be entirely fine
with giving what is mine
for a tiny moment.
But instead my heart questions
a million things in my mind
and it becomes hard to find
what I need inside
to be bitterly kind
in this confusing time
where no clear light will shine.
And to the eyes looking back
with the cheek against my thigh
in the aftershock I sigh
relieved of my trapped lie;
now free with the tears I cry
invisible to your eye.
I cannot question Why;
and What begins to deny
that which How already let die:
I’m my own mirror of solitude.
The emptiness I feel
is the space where you do not go.
And slowly, I begin to know
sooner or later this will show.