Matthew P Hill
"The rage, for it's MAN who built each wall,
who has locked himself in concrete, is he afraid of nature?" ~La Rage
When you look at a clock and notice the same time
you feel connected to it, such a subtle obsession
an addiction that doesn't quite scratch the surface
not enough to make a substantial difference
like the title as you read these very words
something that doesn't interfere back in minds reaches
a unifying factor of collective memories sweltering
that moment you brush it off you realize
you've been brushing it off for quite a while
what is it that pulls me to this peculiar relapse
and only when I gaze back on the anomaly
do I get the yearning to exist in the here and now
maybe it is not a number, rather a place and
positioning of my body on this expanse
Earth, in relation to the Sun
the way light shades my hands
in relation to the infinitely complex outsourcing
of gas and heat energy; stagnant fissures of nothingness
calumniating me, the pillars of life absolving
the very dementia and utterances my neurons
unknowingly afflicted in it's attempts
to keep me from feeding into the unfathomable
vastness... that has led me here kept me close
I clap when I get excited telling a story
I'll laugh till I wheeze and get red in the face
I get all tingly in my fingers and toes
when people are enjoying what I'm saying
I wiggle my feet in my bed
rub them on each other feeling the skin
shooting sensation up along my legs
with a half smile
I don't like the smell of cat food
or the cats begging no matter how cute
I have a hard time waking up in the morning
And I love seeing the sun outside once I'm sitting up
I like to scratch my back in front of the mirror
on the corner of my bathroom wall
I'll be so satisfied and I'll take a deep breath
Even though biking quickly sucks when I am crunched on time
I still love the feeling of collapsing at home
in front of the window and fans letting my
body and head throb with the adrenaline
I have my little habits but I hide those from people
I just make sure I'm clean out in public
When I'm really excited that energy
gets me thinking about other things
the spectrum of exstence
just blanking out even
I listen to my heart putting my hand over it the thuds
and I'll put my head
on my lovers lap if I get tired
she knows I'm just trying to go back to sleep
I'll roll my head back while she unwinds herself
sipping deep of the perfume and incense all around
It pains me to see you like this
not much of anything
I haven't heard from you
have you forgotten me?
That is the worst part of it all.
What if you don't think
or give back a second
twigs and berries
maybe over watered
choked out by grass
the fragrance of
essential oil on
left out by the sun
ferments the love
as you rest
I hold your hair
in my hands
ah, your perfume
takes me back
and brush it behind
When confronted I try tell myself, "I am not scared to die".
I tell others my most misleading lie, one I've told myself recently.
As well looked into my lovers eyes, in all her emotional freedom.
She asked me, "Aren't you afraid to never wake up again?
That you and everything we do will one day never exist."
Uttered back, something along the lines of "Lets just think about now".
But my mind goes to work thinking back to when I was ten.
Crawling into the bed closing my eyes listening to my thoughts.
Feeling the cool sheets, allowing the pillow to take in my head.
Having similar doubts, as questions formed. Just learning of death.
Through the anxiety of never waking up.
I'm holding her right now. Because I need her just as bad.
Pin holes in the sky, below the webs of light
a tree reaching high, against a the pink and blue
catchy tunes, the smell of roast and leaves
night between buildings, setting sun in the rafters
panoramic view of the ocean, reflections of the flowers
puddles on the road, spirits of last winters snow
create contrast in my heart, let the wind blow
My whole being quivers...
You are an engaging ember
Through all those beautiful thoughts
I've Caught the match that you have thrown,
you sought to fan those flames
as it turns out...
I am coal ,the brilliance of diamonds snuffed out
By your tiny spark
"I'm sorry that you feel like I hurt you."
This is something to fear.
Dusty faces. Beaten by the years. No, beaten by a "Person".
Chains of emotional torture. An affliction so devastating.
Locks left dents in their wrists. Freedom from bondage.
But is that enough?
1 vile "Man"
Where does reality hide when it needs to rest?
In the cracks of free will, I'm sure it has found the way.
He marks in blood a story of his conquest, spiraling out of control.
The sunflowers tell the tale of old, breathe in deeply the world.
Nothing stimulates agression more then our peaceful religions. Our differences in other peoples' sexual preferances. Our political up bringings. Our desire to fix the image of the world, with our own influence in mind Only. Our competitive nature boxes survivers into a corner. And we wonder what is everyone so on edge about? Trying to flight for the front, violence in a flock of doves.
I clap my hands slowly like poison around the fire, the loot rises
the spirits, of us dreary travelers. Our faces sting with the frost
natures punishment for our curiosity. A large fellow belts
out in lore of the giants that live from behind the rocks,
a story that mystifies us and keeps us close. We have crossed
oceans and prayed for warmth till our fingers turned blue.
We wear the look of the gods we pray to. We watch smoke
drift with our wishes, the pipes potent with tobaccos bitter
sweet therapy. And our runes never lie, the day we see the future
we'll know just how we die. We can take up swords, but against
the enemies unseen- we leap into the darkness and realize we
are scared of nothing. The battle cries of Ragnarok are the only things
that stand the test of time. And the fire burns out, and all that is left
is ash. And when the sun comes up, we are on the move yet again.
Humming the tune, us adventurous wanderers- seeking the heaven
that the earth has to offer. Fertile, sensual, and powerful. We are
crossing streams- no strife. Knee deep us men and women, fight.
Survival is a goddess, and we wear the amulet proud. And if I die on land
will you bury me out in the sea? And the nine worlds come crashing down,
like waves on the beach. Life is like a tree. Sprouting through the snow
of our foot prints. I beseech you, that is your soul we need to reach into-
Pull out the high notes of birds- they sing of Valhalla we can hear it resonate,
carry it in every bulky movement, as we step over trunks and crunch branches.
Like the blood of wolves, running through us, We trudge on through the mud.
Bound to the stones the tricks that lurk us blind. We lose our lovers along the way.
War is of the past, but we live it every moment. Slaves realizing freedom
as ever second sways.
I can love the highway the lights that flash on
When the night comes in full bloom
In the dream of games and neon
I can love the forest the crooked paths and trees
admiring the rhythm of the solitude
only hearing my feet move
I can love the ocean the waves that cradle me
lulling me off to sleep weightless
land giving me something to hope for
I can love the thought of you
but I'd rather be there holding tight
the world sees me searching
I light the wick.
A black candle, wax running--
Down in thick tears.
Hooded Sweaters blury colors nights cloudy pockets church drag hand hits man man men child cower corner stairs detailing details bandana mix joking, not joking misdirection smartass lesson being taught cash bring money talk mask bud smell drink eyes run push ferocious babble screaming help alone singled out victim of existence. Shoes smashing the sound of help in the distance.
I'm making my way.
Thanks for your support.
I recognize I've been stressing this too much.
I guess if i keep wanting to be your confidante I should stop arguing your points. Regardless if I agree with them or not.
You are not capable of seeing things the way I see them, and that may or may not be your fault. Your world views have some truths in them (though grossly exaggerated to me). I need to realize that this Is a personal journey... For you. The more I instigate conversation-- The further you seem to drift from wanting to keep open communication (I feel that way but maybe I'm wrong). I don't want you to lose this internal struggle (though you may feel like there is not one at all). I think your rational mind is just exploring its limits, which hopefully will help you in the long run. It is not my duty nor my obligation to help you more then I am capable in this matter. Considering I am doing what I can. You will find yourself, or you wont. I have to accept that. I guess I've had a hard time believing you though all of these matters because I have had a hard time perceiving you as a trustworthy or reliable person before-- So the situations that have arisen are also making me now feel the same way. If what you are saying is indeed a problem I will not know. I am not you. I will just have to trust you. I will call you out from time to time. If I am backed into a corner. If you want to be left alone, say so.
Sometimes I wonder brother if you mean what you say
if the distrust you feel towards others is just a ploy.
Brother I'm there for you. But I can only give so much...
I can barely support myself. The expectation from you is
taxing. And the results are never satisfied.
There is a paranoia in our genes. Something too complex
to be examined hypothetically. All the realizations you've made
... Just the advice others have given you over the poor choices
you've overridden. You seem to be above it all. Untouchable victim.
Victimized. How? How is that? Not everyone is out to get you..
The way you internalize things. You approach with a sense of
arrogance and pity. But you yourself, have little to do with self care.
Your hair is tangled, clothes unkempt, teeth rotting with nicotine and
gin stains your breath. Though you maintain you've quit cold.
Weight lost you're a child again. Frail. And in your mind, you are still better.
I have anger. Resentment. No. I am upset. No, I am disappointed. No. I am....
Feeling frustrated and defeated. How can I help?
Should I even? I have reached out to you more times then imaginable.
I have reached a gesturing hand, and it was spit on. Bitten even. I still love you-- Even so.
But I am afraid for now. My safety. Yours.. maybe you should learn to trust yourself.
I have to. I have to leave Here.
This sanctuary-- One I keep behind the war
of every moment following.