dishes of psychopathy
Bulimia and ADHD sparkle
reach in a hand
take a few
and a few bottles of ritalin and prozac too
you will love it
The whole world was you and the christmas lights above my bed
Your face lit so soft and the soft curve of your hips
As they rolled closer to mine
A morning of the freshest air I had ever tasted wrapped in your arms
That night a celebration out in front of your house
An independence day party where we made wishes on sparklers
And ran in the streets
One wish on our minds our whole lives
May our paths cross again
May they cross again my lover
May they cross again my friend
I laid down and closed my eyes.
Brown blurs of dust and memory sweep past as my mind is slowly centered.
A force pulls and I am walking.
Drifting though corridors of clutter, the scenes are dirty and familiar.
A decrepit house from memories past surrounds me and engulfs me whole.
I turn a corner and see her there.
The swirls of dust somehow do nothing to obscure her certain presence.
It is her.
It is her who I have longed for but could not have.
Drifting lazily but surely, I approach and make conversation.
As the words leave her mouth, suddenly everything is different.
The shadows focus and become definite.
The fog in my mind blots away.
As if a crystal clear presence .
Sweeps away the cobwebs from a dusky corner.
I know what I am.
I am a dream.
A dreaming entity who is merciless and invincible.
Her eyes are clearer than my own imagination could envisage and I know.
She is aware too.
A world of mind at my fingertips, a thrilled flourish runs up my spine and the only thing that occurs to me is.
Come my dearest, we must run.
The dream world is infinite.
But only in size, not in time.
My god I love her.
Grab my hand, we must hurry, must rush, for perhaps if this house grows so too will our essence.
My lungs, as they are only neurons, are free and wild and carry my thoughtful limbs to the reaches of my conscious.
We run and run.
Past the doorways and wallpaper imprinted with illusions and dreams blurring past me, I have never felt happier in my life.
I have the layout of the disorderly house of eclectic architecture.
Imprinted in my mind and I lead her around corners and past dark windows.
Photographic bits of floor and wall find my eyes and I take in every detail of them.
She is behind me and we are laughing and whispering and running.
We have stopped.
I have found a room with no other exits.
One door is slightly ajar but it is a nonthreatening closet with an array of fancy santas nestled within the dust.
I shut the doors.
She is in my arms and we are spinning and laughing and darting about the room much like two gleeful fish in an aquarium.
I fall on an aging and very welcoming couch.
In fits of laughter and take her down with me.
Her arms around my back, there is nothing that needs to exist any longer, not the house, not the memories.
Not the walls not even running.
In this dream it is now, it is here that I only wish to be close to her.
Our faces close the distance.
Our hands roam through the waters of conscious and over each other's skin.
It is our shared mind and shared dreams.
It is now that our souls are truly connected with each pass of the tongue and each glorified breath.
It is now that the house of memories is being weakened with each passing moment in this new situation.
We are an unstable force.
The dream is crumbling.
The edges of our world are closing in with light and the dust swirls madly.
The harsh physical plane is manifesting.
The cool shadows are melting.
I take in one breath.
are torn apart
tell me when you last felt your heart grow
like it did in front of me
I saw it swell when you spoke
your words would echo like a symphony
twice I paid for bright red yarn
to patch the holes up in my heart
to leave you with a quick goodbye
sometimes the seeds blow away in the wind
sometimes your sewing doesn't stick
sometimes a frost hits the garden
and the air gets very thick
I showed you my home
picture frames and board games
you showed me your home too
light and warmth and life and I knew
I could never leave
I could never leave
Conventional wisdom states
That a heart beating is a heart alive
But some hearts beat solemnly
And drag along solemn shoes with tired feet
Although this heart may pulse it does not know where it's going
The feet not a clue it's objective
And shoes that feel no purpose
Perhaps I am a hopeless optimist
Or if you are a pessimist, I am one too
Well my eyes see no living heart
Just the steady drum
That drives the undead
Rows and rows
Brick by brick
Cubicles and doors
Everything is happening
The moon is the same moon
The sun is a shared one
Every story is different
Each room differs
The walls keep us together
Appearing to keep us apart
Never at the same time
Or at the same thing
We eternally go
I was born
To the rhythm
Of the hot July sun
Beating down on the Earth
And you must know
That I love her so
With her swimming pools
But taking my soul
And holding it dear
Can only be done
By Her Majesty herself
Gliding in on a
And feathery gusts
Of excuses to cuddle
And the twinkling lights
Pour brightness into the eyes
Of all who admire
Be good to me
Wrap me in the warmth
That only white landscapes,
And hot coco
Mock what I am made of
I have deserved it
And now you are delivering
What only is right
Slicing at what I have built
Out of the slices of others
I had a high rein
But what goes up must
Be rebelled against
And must fall
And I fell hard
The never-ending branches
Of complicated things
People connected to me
Like lace fit for Satan's bride
Flimsy fake friendships
I had so much pride in them
Even I wonder why
Why I had so much pride
I have nothing to be proud of
And I never have
But I know now
And I deserve it
My rein is over
Goodbye my timid subjects
I cry for the pain I caused you
But my eyes are dry
For the blows I receive
As my punishment
As I fall
Some say I'm too emotionally invested, love
Some say it's all gonna fall apart now
I know it will, yes I know
But I can't bear it, no I won't bear it
Losing you to time, darkness creeping in
Now we are happy oh yes so happy yes
Just look at us laughing look now
I know deep somewhere though, stop telling me
Tell me more jokes now, love
The dark isn't there, just disregard it please
Us two will be split soon
But it's better to ignore the inevitable
To save the pain
The dark isn't all so bad
It will free you
In lightness there lies
Wretched daggers of light
Stabbing your eyes
If only light itself were porous
Soaked with the blood of our kin,
It would be
And dripping with desire
Which glints like diamond's fire
But touch it and it will burn
Burn you like the embers wrought
Across Poe's own chamber floor
And pushed into a darkness
A darkness unlike the darkness here
The sheltering, nurturing cool swirls
Of navy beauty
Rest assured here,
that nothing can harm you
Mismatched furniture welcomes another day together
The couch leans against the cracked paint on the walls
Sunlight wanders in, bounced off the gray rooftops of the flats adjacent
The sweetest coffee is dripping, eager to serve it's purpose
While indie melodies roll low like the clouds
A white kitten is perched on a small wooden table,
It is a treasure discovered at a flea market
A trolley ride got me there
It was a ship set sail to conquer the familiar
The coffee shop around one corner had paper lanterns
And another around the next just opened
And if you walk one block south
There's another there, it has the best espresso
The fog drifts in from the bay like a cool caress to the land
As I walk up the stairs to my sanctuary
White kitten purring as the clouds roll over
The clouds move with such sincerity
And the bay sparkles and starts to froth
In anticipation of the coming autumn
I set my keys down in the wooden bowl on the counter
Everything is right
You helped me though
Some awful times
Now where did you go?
What can I do?
I can't bear the fact
That you are gone
Was it just an act?
With actors, too?
You have all new friends
And I'm happy for you
But can't you just pretend
To be mine too?
I miss you more
Than I can count
I walk out the door
But I look out
And don't see you
Like I used to
I miss those times
I miss your smile
I want to find
Your friendship once more
Through this sea
Of drowning darkness
This just can't be
My bones are sore
You aren't here
To hold me up
You had to disappear
Sitting on a Sunday morning
Lazy on the couch
TV on and laptop humming
I breathe the smell of bacon
Coffee mug in hand
Mocha swirls around inside
Makes me feel so warm
So alive with my heart beating
Air as fresh as the clean linens
I just crawled out of
Cold tiles are no match
For my fuzzy socks
I don’t think about my schedule
What I have to do tomorrow
Or my lengthy list of chores
Just think about this Sunday morning
Just breathe the Sunday air
goes the fire
by my damned heart
Flying sticky waves
Of achy-stabby sweetness
Going towards the boys
Towards the girls, to everyone
A never-ending flash
Induces a hyperactive coma
We all sleep together
With our organs jumping around inside
A complicated mix of particles
Together form waves
Just like light that comes from grandma's lamp
Soft like a kitten
This panting babbling concourse of love
We understand it like frogs driving cars
Races through our minds like molasses
It fills us with vomit, sweet vomit
By a weary flickering light
A venerable man writes
His pen guided by a mortal
But opened here there is a portal
By which the gods have sent their blessing
On this paper brilliance is impressing
Mighty pen to marvelous page
The product, the wisdom of a sage
Wisdom unceremoniously passed
Forthcoming generations shall at last
Have this wisdom to behold
Knowledge is power, as it is foretold
Creaky withered wood abruptly freed from it's jamb
Flung inward into the cottage by violent gust
Releases a torrent of feathery flakes
That bite the skin and chill the air
Riding in on a robust and wintry gale
Hiemal gladiators stampede inward
Toward the scorching hearth
That is ablaze with a passionate fire
Crackling madly at the brumal intruders
White blistering embers fly wildly
And the tiny snow soldiers marching in bravely
Never stood a chance
I see you standing there
Eyes a vast ocean
Heart all torn
I feel a flash of heat
A wave of regret in my throat
A knife in my stomach
I see your back
Getting smaller and smaller
But I just stand
Leaving myself to bleed
Grief pours from my veins
Drains me dry
As I see you leave
As you walk away
From what we were
What went wrong?
My head fills
With lost questions
That wander the tunnels of my mind
Trying to find an answer
Trying to make sense
Of this disaster
What did I do wrong?
Why are you gone?
Did you ever love me?
But I just stand dumb and bleeding
Without a clue
I know I did something wrong
Flood of torment rushing through me
Regret making my head heavy
And my heart as dense as stone
And I know it was more than one thing
That I did to make you go
But I can't find the words to say
Nothing I can say is the right thing
You cut my tongue
Right from my mouth
You cut my conscience
Right in two
But I shouldn't be blaming you
I'm sorry but
I must escape
I am so tired
Of the horrible things here
I am going to escape
Maybe I will bring my lover
Maybe I will go
To the white sandy beaches
Maybe the quaint city
of San Francisco
Or maybe I will choose a place
And infinitely bigger
A place within my mind
I am sorry but
I must drift away now
I am going to my home
Leaving this Earth
I can take you with me
We can see the three suns
And the giant moon
And the love and peace
That grows on trees
So far away from your world
Don't shake me awake
I beg of you please
Let me be
As I reject this reality
And substitute my own
The blows hurt so much worse
The kicks cripple so much more
The jabs bleed out profusely
And my bones become much more sore
Than if you really hurt me
With your fists and shoes and knife
But instead you hurt me with your stinging words
These words that slowly drain me of my life
These limbs reach
They stretch to the limit
Of their mortal muscles
Extend towards the gem
In the dark
Shrouded in smoke
These achy limbs are ignorant
As to what this gem is exactly
My head is filled with
A pulling sensation
And it pulls me to this essence
This ruby, gold, emerald.
Or knowledge, riches, companionship.
I only know
That I must have
My diamond in the rough