What is it like to know that the woman you love (loves you) doesn't get enough love from you?
How does it make you feel to tell her you can't be there for her?
That you're sorry you can't give her what she needs?
Makes her wonder why you are still bothering to try.
She's becoming resentful and bitter towards your words,
Your supposed charms,
And promises for the future.
She needs real life LOVE.
A true hearted man by her side to share life.
She's opening to new possibilities.
If you're not able to be there for her,
There is someone who will.
How does it make you feel to know that you are replaceable?
Anxiety sets in,
Into my body,
Deep in my stomach,
Giving me the shakes,
I feel stuck and alone.
Haven't been able to get out of my funk today.
I'm afraid to go out alone,
Afraid of my thoughts,
No music to play to drown out the darkness.
I feel paranoid.
I feel sickness in my soul today.
I feel that I don't matter.
I wonder why I am alone so much.
Watching the sky,
Looking at the stars.
I need to open up,
And let my people in.
I need more structure,
To be appreciated,
Understood with compassion,
Share my love,
Open my heart,
Feel safe and cherished.
Guess what kind of man you've got?
He's The Bare Minimum Type.
The Basic Boyfriend.
He does the least he can do but just enough to make you stay.
He's okay for now perhaps.
What if you met a man that actually wanted to be with you,
That made you feel special EVERYDAY?
Would you leave Mr. Minumum?
Until something better comes along?
Plans for the future in hopes of it getting better.
There's always an excuse.
He visits on weekends,
He tells you how much he loves you...
When you have sex.
He puts a bit of food in your cupboards,
But doesn't understand you.
He doesn't appreciate your spark,
And your joy for real life,
And expressions of true love just don't exist in this realm at this time.
I'm an angry artist,
I got my fuck you attitude on when I walk down the street.
The reasons are many,
brass knuckles are few.
Anger is uncomfortable,
I don't know what to do.
He was robotic
Devoid of human emotion
Illogically logical to a fault was his cover
He never really said where he was coming from
The blanket of positivity he engulfed himself in,
was truly a layer of bullshit.
He could be so sweet when hugging and kissing
Giving so much pleasure with his mouth when it was quiet but busy
His words were daggers in my heart and my mind
Fingers trained to please at certain, very specific times.
Body turned to ice.
Hiding in his cave.
Hiding in his logic.
Hiding in his work.
Hiding - in how things needed to be, for him.
Communication, smashing my head
against the brick wall of his empty chest.
A Goddess - sitting right in front of him
All her love to give.
He had none for himself, hence, none for her.
He made her think she was crazy.
Unconstant boundaries of steel.
You wasted my time.
I was falling for you, again.
Text, false words, internet.
You're not a real person,
You're a robot with a small penis.
So damaged, beyond repair.
No compassion, no understanding.
Hot, Cold, Frozen.
"You're an asshole".
So far away.
Goodbye for the second time.
I still want to understand.
I am free from the clutches of Sir Robert K Neilly
Or am I
I still think about him
How I hate fucked the hell out of him the last time I was with him
He came into my life when I needed some attention
at first it was so exciting
he told me how beautiful and wonderful I was
told me he wanted to start a relationship with me
Never really told me any of this in person
he could say anything he wanted on that format
I played all the classic “girl mistakes”
asked him what his intentions were
asked where is this going?
Told him I cared about him too soon
I fell for his early charms
but noticed the deep flaws of his controlling personality
I was drawn to him but it was so toxic for me
I was attracted to his height and how he seemed to pay attention to me at first
I found him to be a womanizer
the things he said made me want to puke
the sweet honey of lies turned to rotten vomit in my ear
he would come and go
nothing was concrete
I tried my best to communicate my points
I did the best job I could
My points were of no interest to him
I finally cried about it today
I looked in the mirror while I did so
I looked so beautiful and vulnerable and strong
I am still confused and I still want to know more
is it my nature to look for abuse or mistreatment?
Do I think love exists where there is none but only for a hope?
I began to notice all the unhealthy things about this man
not things a woman of child bearing age looks for in a partner
I don’t want to be led along
I don’t want my time to be wasted
I don’t want to feel controlled
I don’t want to feel like I'm a crazy girl
I'm not going to voice what I want again and again
I said it once and tried many more times
I cannot compromise my needs and values
He would not and could not deliver
It still makes me sick to think of him
It still makes me sick to think of how foolish I was
to try to believe
to try to put my faith in something so false
Will it feel better when it is right with some other man in the future?
Was this an important lesson for me to learn?
I still want answers
God, give me the strength to let it all go
Tell me the TRUTH...
Tell me you LOVE me...
Tell me you UNDERSTAND...
Your love for me is UNCONDITIONAL...
Hold me while I CRY...
Make love to me kindly...
RESPECT my FEELINGS...
HONOR my TRUTHS...
PRAISE my BEAUTY...
CHERISH my STRONG HEART...
SUPPORT my GOALS...
Be my PARTNER...
VALUE my love for you,
and I shall never lead you astray.
tried to choke the life out of me,
My face turned blue
and my heart turned to ice.
I am frozen.
Will I ever heal,
find real love?
To be treated with the kindness and respect I deserve.
To heal my pain.
to love again,
She wanted more attention
He couldn't give it
She cried when they had sex
She wasn't ready
She's tired of explaining herself
She tells herself it's okay to have bad days
But there are so many
She's forgotten how to have fun and relax
She's always on edge
Waiting for something bad to happen
She's waiting to get hurt
She hurts so easily
They tell her she is beautiful
That means nothing to her
She knows she is pretty
That is just her shell
Her spirit and soul are in pain
She needs understanding and compassion
She needs love and support
The fire burns strongly within herself
She tries to contain and maintain
Sometimes her fire burns everything
Sometimes it almost goes out
At the slightest sight of her weakness he turned away.
She told him she's emotional
She told him she's vulnerable
She told him she sometimes has trouble communicating
She turned away,
Embarrassed by her emotions
He turned around,
He said, "oil and water"
He said, "I will text you"