the kind of sad that doesn’t fit

anywhere. mine to keep. the world lets so many

ugly

things exist i’ll never learn to

talk,

words come only when i’m the solitary

witness

it’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault

our parents could have taught us but the ugly keeps them

quiet

who wants to speak of that?

you say you are

weak

and i think of all the times you were my

steadiness.

i hate these tears because they make you

ache

you are too good for the

ugly.

oh,

i’m not going to be happy

ever

and i’m doomed to be

divorced

because i don’t want to be swaddled in your sugar coated comfort blanket ?

i’m sorry that you believe love is only true if you suppress all of your satisfying, swelling feelings until the day someone wants to reproduce with you

and that you have to cover your most tender, lovely parts in ugly underwear and that on your wedding night both of you will

look the other way



it’s unfortunate that your God only likes you if you give him all your money and hate the right things

and that your life is a dichotomy of

knowing you are superior to everyone who didn’t happen to grow up with your doctrine pinned to their shirt

& knowing that if you don’t color inside of religion’s lines just so

you’ll

never

be

good

enough

for

salvation



and what if that still, small voice is actually doubt

and you spend your entire human existence trying to prove it wrong

by passive-agressively pushing your fear towards others

it’s sad that you’ll make yourself small for a potential outcome

while i’ll grow, grow, grow because i am boundless

you are too, but you don’t know it so you’ll pollute your potential with petty

judgments


yes, there’s a (pretty) fucking ring in my nose and some (meaningful) fucking ink on my skin and your son and i (beautifully) fuck each other

i

am

no

less

and

no

more

than

you

are


your high horse has wobbly legs and thanks but

i will determine my own



happiness.

light autumn rain drops
the tiniest
kisses
smear the words being delicately written:

"i
would
do
literally
anything
for
you"

if i were pregnant, i would never wear a shirt so everyone could see
i don't know why i thought of that as i was
talking you to sleep, i thought it and didn't say it and then heard you say, 'i want you always'
so quiet i could hear your eyelashes scraping against my skin
your breath is the forest and i think about when walking and smoking and trying to find new things in the same.
remember the first time we touched each other?
now sometimes i feel guilty for taking up all the happy, especially when you put your lips a half second away from mine and the tiny things mean everything.

the walls are bleeding and my fingers are

melting into your skin.

on the back porch, the sky is voluptuous with rain and i’m crying because everything is electric and so, so beautiful

you give me one of those hugs that makes every bone in my back pop into place and then say,

i’ll never hurt you

it’s amazing how you can let go and feel

safe

standing in the wet street, my feet are muddy and i know the moon is shining on my bare legs even though when i look in the sky there is only

lightening

it's just that
when we are laying in the crumpled sheets
and your belly is folded into my back like the tide folds into the
sand


i keep thinking:

this is the most important art i'll ever make

i want to know what makes people drift so that i can blow kisses at them and go the opposite
direction.

my heart missed the lesson on holding back
so
i swallowed my pride and got
indigestion

i'll tell you in the smallest ways until the right way
comes to me,
i'll leave you notes in obscure places and kiss your feet

you are the butterfly branched from the moth,,,



and you are worth the wait.

i’m afraid of social encounters, of getting close but no closer, of meaning nothing to another person, everything, anything, the wrong thing. i’m afraid of looking around and realizing i don’t really know shit about those i love. i don’t feel okay unless i lay on the floor at least once a day because there are so many things i want to touch but can’t-

like the rim around his iris or the unspoken thoughts that tie us all into invisible knots or the pain it must be to live in a house where your dad once drank coffee and read the paper and pet the cat, but now he’s dead and you still have to walk around pretending he isn’t in every inch of every room.

i have to lay on the floor because it’s tangible, reliable, forcing every bone to stay still, to stop trying to float to some impossible place where i’d be allowed to run my fingers across everything and try every emotion there is on for size

so i could stop fucking guessing.

—————————————————————————————————————-

how does one pain differ from another? why does cancer take everyone good? why didn’t he tell me he had gone blind, that day i went to visit? why didn’t his parents cry? why is 4 years later and he still fills pages of my thoughts when there were so many people closer to him?

all the good in me came from you

i’d be bad if it meant you could live the life you wanted to

——————————————————————————————————————

love=vigilance

——————————————————————————————————————

the best poem i ever wrote was slipped into a journal and never read because he was afraid of the words

——————————————————————————————————————-

i can’t get enough of you

my neck hurts from trying to sleep without you

life is easily divided into two categories:
things that don't matter being first

and then there's

you.

red patterned morning light drapes your eyelashes and the thing about love is
it's not falling so much as

floating,flying

faster than my head can make words for. so my cheek is on your chest, and i keep opening my mouth as if it will all come out just right

sometimes things are too big for explaining,
like the way you let me use your toothbrush and how the word guileless reminds me of you and how
i'd be hiding,darkening,drowning if we never
met.

it's okay, though. because when i wake up, your arms are my blanket and
unlike a dream

this is real.

swaddle
me
else
my
arms
will
flail
wildly
for
your
love

'i want you'


i think that means more than one thing

half open eyelids don't lie  


the sun is slanting on your feet and how effortlessly my back curves into your belly scares me because
i'm always falling in love with what is right in front of me

and this might be different.


'the world needs more people like you'


i had a dream that i was on a bus to the Great Salt Lake
dark blue, foamy waves enclosing us,

and when we got there nothing  mattered.

i really, really, really have no place in thinking you're a fucker

given the bed i sleep in most nights.


but,

since i'm seeking a convenient justification:


you silently abandoned ship

as if i know how to read a fucking map or shapes in the stars



regrets, resentment, apologies

what's the point

not worth it



i've got more love for you than i'll never know what to do with

even when i'm already climbing the next tree and you are god knows where



unconditional was not a lie.

asking all the questions but the hardest one

-           -           -          -          -

when you say you want to cry because you’re sorry, i want to weep because i don’t believe in apologies

-           -           -          -          -

the almost blue sky is suffocatingly beautiful. unfamiliar bed and an all too familiar feeling. limbo limbo limbo under this invisible bar;backbending for the small things, the intangible things. like the dark green around your iris, or the slight, instinctual brush against my cheek.giveandtakegiveandtakegiveandtake,give

-i love you

-i can’t answer that truthfully

-           -           -          -          -

i walk outside in the dark and there you are, blowing dandelions with your back on the grass, a friend who shows up when i don’t realize i need it

-           -           -          -          -

‘you seem like the type of girl who has never had to watch a dream die’

-           -           -          -          -


justification for not sleeping: why the fuck break a perfectly handsome insomnia streak? also, music.

-           -           -          -          -

roofs, cigarettes, porches, cigarettes, satisfyingly self destructive habits, Tom Waits, coffee black as the nicotine inside

-           -           -          -          -


or whatever.

i finally grew a voice,
and it scared you away.


romance////

the promise of lips upon mine will be the last fucking thing holding me to this
planet.

my dad says, the McGinnis curse is our undying, romantic hearts.



i said the 3 words

and i think he's right.

your beauty is not
hollow

starlit and soft,
kiss me clear as your half Brazilian eyes
clear as laughter that fills me:
i am your cup
press your lips to my edges and
drink.

liquid turns solid turns gas
the properties are the same,
as is love
changing but not changed.

if heaven is not liberation,
heaven is our cheeks brushing just as they should.

i'm too drunk to tell you i love you

whiskey runs in hot waves, but never makes it to the coldest parts

the contrast sends me
fumbling.

high above these doubtful clouds,
your wet lips could bring me down

the place that feels familiar on the back of my tongue ---

new, like a drop down the window



your voice,your voice,your voice

i can feel your art
it's in the heartbeat of your palm

warm,
alluring

a springtime thunderstorm that might drizzle or might defiantly dump

i'd stand with outstretched tongue
if only for one
                                                                 drop

of your honeydew compositions   ;   sunflower symphonies.


darling,
your diamond skin is

                                                                devastating

as you dream in orchestrated swells.


i can feel your art
when our heartbeats caress

take it off,

dump it on my floor. let the the sound of the thud

fill us both.


excited heart in the dark;

i know your presence is more or less an apology

a sorry for not calling or not thinking or not knowing how to let your love lay just right


eyes closed so that you can have the satisfaction of surprise. as if my body doesn’t leap into exaltation the second you enter my orbit


this bed is miles long as you arrange yourself on top ,

snowflake lips upon neck and the unadulterated words:

Hi pretty.



forgiveness.