When I was of a young age
I’d often sneak into bed with my mother to watch television.
When I could hear my father’s footsteps approaching
I’d cuddle up to my mom,
Hoping that I was tiny enough
To not be seen.
I wished to hide
And not have to leave.
Slowly, I’d drag myself out of my small, warm bed,
Attempting to make my way down the hall without passing out or puking.
My new place of rest would still be warm
With the heat my mother’s body left behind.
Comfortable there, I would waste my time
Sleeping and watching cartoons
While waiting for my bowl of soup to arrive at noon.
I’d cry out for my mom while running to the bathroom
And she’d meet me there with a wet cloth in her hand.
Gently she’d pull my hair back
While I stayed put with my head above the toilet.
I’d puke until I could puke no more,
And the whole time she’d slowly be rubbing my back.
Afterwards she’d hand me the cloth
That she so patiently had been holding
So I could wipe my face before preparing myself for bed
I took her for granted,
Always expecting her to be there,
But now I am alone
With no one to comfort me
Through my sickness,
And I wish for those days of my childhood
When she would stand by my side
In the middle of the night.
Alone I stand in the middle of a field
Covered in a blanket of fresh, white snow,
Some still sprinkling gently down from the cold grey sky.
My vision is distorted,
Blurred greatly by the cloud that quietly sits only feet from the ground.
How I got here, I wonder,
As I begin to trudge in any direction I can, struggling to find my way.
So long it seems I have been walking, getting no closer to civilization,
And the fog shows no signs of lifting.
With my head slightly spinning and my body so tired,
I collapse into a bed of snow
And wake up immediately in my warm, dark room, alone.
flooding in my head,
drowning my mind,
and I cannot drain them.
What would it feel like to have the whole ocean against you,
To struggle against the strength its waves throw at you
And constantly crawl through salty water
For sips of the air us humans must breathe in order to live?
What would it feel like
To fight against such outrageous power
Sinking slowly into its dark beauty, away from the sunlight
That reaches through the blue for you?
After the burning [oh, the burning!]
A peaceful dream may wash over you,
Just as the ocean once did
When it first welcomed you into its flowing arms.
Years from now, I’ll be remembered
As the girl who never spoke,
The girl who was emotionless,
Years from now, people will talk about me,
What I was really like.
Will they still think that I’m
A stuck-up bitch,
Better than everyone,
Just ‘cause I was able to hold my head
Higher than they ever could?
Years from now, will they still consider me a freak
Because of my lack of words, lack of actions,
Lack of reactions?
Years from now, they’ll have forgotten why they never liked me,
But I’ll never forget why I hated them.
I’ll laugh at them all for being so stupid,
Years from now.
I had the world in my arms,
But I couldn’t fit my arms around it,
And I lost my grip
As it tumbled away from me.
You left me here,
Screaming as loud as I can,
But no sound comes out…
Only the warm flow of
And I waved a final goodbye as my dreams
Dripped down the drain
With tears splattering after them.
High-pitched echoes of the drops
Called back to me, begging for me to keep them,
Hold them tightly to my heart
Where they belong,
But I instead pulled my outstretched arm close to my body,
Took a slow, uneven breath,
And spun around to face reality.
Fantasies did nothing for me
But shatter all that I had,
All that I could see
My eyes viewed the world
Sometimes I saw two of the same,
Sometimes I found an empty spot,
But altogether it created
A distorted picture
Full of cracks
Of what I thought reality to be,
Of what I thought life to be.
Without the need of a
Short, powerful sprint
To give me strength
And steal my air and leave my body shaking,
My knees begin to bend.
Slowly, I let my eyelids close,
On envisioning a close-up view
Of the back of my knees.
I see the power surging through my legs,
Collecting in this one area,
Take off as I bend, then snap my legs straight,
Launching up, up, up,
And everything is a blur
As I speed through the icy air
Above the streetlights,
Above the powerlines,
Peeking over the peaks of trees,
Resisting their pull.
My body creates heat, recovering from the chill of the wind as I
Lift my arms up
And touch the stars with my fingertips,
Laughter bubbling out of me,
The volume much louder away from
The musical noise of a city,
Knowing I have escaped my troubles,
Even if only for one night.
Drifting south with slight fear tingling through my body,
I soar like a bird,
Feeling the air
Splitting to let me through
And hugging my sides as it
Longs to connect once again.
I don’t know where I’m going,
But no matter how far I fly,
I can’t seem to fly away from what causes
My heart to ache and my eyes to leak tears.
I cannot simply
Escape from my nightmares,
Leaving my unsolved problems behind.
Without the need of a running start I
Bend at the knees, collecting strength
Into my legs for
Take off, shooting
The haunted night sky.
The more problems I face
With my feet tied to the ground,
The higher at night I fly,
But no higher than
The reaches of trees,
For the air is cold…
Colder the higher I go.
Each night that I fly,
I never reach my destination;
I don’t know what it is.
My troubles are holding me down,
Tying me down,
Back into their suffocating grasps.
I cannot escape my nightmares.
I am here, but now I am gone.
Never the one to walk forward
into the crash,
scenery fly by my eyes.
You can’t touch me you can’t touch me
Nothing can touch me
No one can touch me
Walk right through me,
Like a ghost.
A ghost of who I once was
Who I could be,
But not who I am.
My mouth moves,
but there is nobody to hear me
Listen to me.
What will it matter,
For I am nothing to you
I can see.
Time goes by, I go by.
Who am I? Who was I?
No worries, though.
No need to worry.
I’ll be okay
once I arrive
in the one place
in which I belong.
I just need to dream
For a while,
Bring me to the place
I have always feared the most,
for it will at last
bring me the peace I desire.
Cold metal can be
what I last feel.
Pools of red can be
what I last see.
Death can be
what I achieve.
So my body may lay in the ground,
while my soul is left to wander
and to dream.
I’m staring at life through a window,
Waiting for it all to crash.
The window is here to help protect me,
From the horrors that lie on the other side of this glass.
As I sit here in my cozy glass box, thinking I’m safe
When really I have “Fragile” written all over me,
Life rushes past.
I only am ever able to catch glimpses of what it looks like.
The friendly faces,
The muted laughs,
The rapidly-changing weather…
I want to be a part of it,
Whirling around with it,
But I am trapped
Behind this unbreakable window.
My window only wishes to save me from becoming hurt,
But I need to experience for myself
How terrible life truly is
Before I come crawling back
To hide behind this window
And look at life from afar.
The sun, it blinds me.
My path is no longer visible.
My legs, they move, my feet, they walk,
But I feel so frozen in place.
Where am I going?
Cars whiz by.
My ears sting
From the noise and the cold,
But silence sits inside my head.
My body pulls me,
And I face the headlights of a gray car.
It doesn’t slow, and I don’t move.
In the distance I hear sirens coming towards me.
Where am I?
I was blind, but now I can see
How ugly I truly can be
When I hold the power of insecurity.
With makeup many shades darker than
My true skin tone
Caked onto my skin
The red, the grease, the bumps.
Wearing sweaters and jeans everyday
Across my arms and legs.
Big, baggy shirts
To take away
Any shape I may have.
So I manipulate,
To make up for my ugliness.
And it works.
You filled my head with ideas,
My mind with dreams,
And let my imagination run wild,
Stringing me along like a dog on a leash.
All the while
You sat on the sidelines,
That none of it
But, like a dog, I sometimes string you along, too,
Running, and dragging
You along with me.
Let it be true that
Are mortal beasts born to lie
And cry and die.
We are not meant to be
What we long to be.
We are we
And nothing shall change that.
The words are all there;
The letters, too.
Where to find them is the challenge.
Some are thrown right in your face
And for the world to see,
Are still hidden
In my dark mind,
To go looking for them
And fix me.