White, white, white disappearing in the day,
Skin and bones, shaking in sheets.
Boy hair, feminine shape.
Not pretty but pretty plain.
A whisper in the night,
A shadow in the rain.
You don't see me but I'm really here.
Deep blue eyes you won't dip your toes in,
Waves you won't get caught in.
I used to think I was ugly.
A whisper in the night,
A shadow in the rain.
Beauty comes in different forms,
But I don't fit yours.
I fit mine, for I am my own person.
White, white, white glowing in the day.
Thin and graceful frame, longing in the sheets.
Short hair, lovely shape.
Not pretty but beautiful.

I hate feeling like I care way too much.
I hate wanting to confront you but knowing that every time I do I just seem desperate.
I hate seeming needy.
I hate feeling unloved.
I hate hating myself for feeling that I'm getting less than I deserve.

There's this boy sitting next to me. A complete stranger. Here we are placed on this bench of bodies, side by side. There's this boy sitting next to me and our knees are touching. I don't know him and he doesn't know me and we'll probably never know each other at all but in this awkward moment of touching knees, I am grateful to be in the presence of such beauty. There's this boy sitting next to me and I can't look away. I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm scared. Look away, look away. There's a boy sitting next to you and it means nothing at all.  

There's this boy that I met. You should see him, really you should. He's tall and he likes basketball and his favorite color's orange. He has this red car. It would be really cool to be in that red car. Maybe someday he'll let me be in that red car. There's this boy that I met and you should see him. His eyes are big and brown and he likes the same music as me and he walks with me every morning after first period. There's this boy that I met and I can't keep away. I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm scared.

There's this boy sitting next to me and we're on our first date. Is this a date? I don't really know what this is but he's sitting next to me and I'm getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think they call it butterflies. Will he put his arm around me? I really hope he puts his arm around me. Is this even a date? There's this boy sitting next to me and I really hope it's a date. Now we're in his car and he's driving me home. I don't even want to go home. He let me into that red car and I don't want to go home. Oh, we're here already? Should I kiss you or hug you? Are you wondering the same thing? Or is this not even a date? I don't even know what this is. There's this boy sitting next to me and I shook his hand goodbye. I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm scared. I wish I kissed him.

I'm running down the road. Just trying to stay skinny or beautiful or something. Maybe he'd put his arm around me then. I'm running down the road and somehow end up in that red car again and I don't want to go home. But he's bringing me home and by magic or some sort of courage I managed to muster up, I kissed him. I don't want to go home but when I get home all I do is scream and I can't breathe and I'm shaking. I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm scared. There's this boy that I kissed and I don't think anything could be better than that.

There's this boy walking next to me in the park and we're holding hands and I think that he likes me. I really think he likes me. But next thing I know, we're walking and holding hands and I feel something much more and I've never felt anything like this before. I wanted to tell him I loved him right then and there but I didn't. I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm scared. There's this boy walking next to me and I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

There's this boy that I love and here I am in that red car giving myself to him and here he is giving himself to me. I really think he likes me. There is nothing on our bodies but cold chills, smiles, and the light of the moon. And this is the first time I've made love. This isn't sex. This is making love and this is the first time I've ever done this. There's this boy that I love and we're giving ourselves to each other. He loves me, he really really loves me and this is the first time he's loved anyone.

There's this boy sitting next to me and he's mine. He's really mine. And it all goes back to our touching knees.




Jackson, I love you. Always and forever. This is the story of us.

You whispered it, you cried it, you meant it.
your mouth looked so pretty with your heart at your tongue.
Now I'm waiting on a funeral for something that isn't dead.
But it's not you that's dying it's the "I love you" that you whispered, cried, and meant.
Once I was beautiful because you saw that in me but now I'm a ghost and you don't see me at all.
Just look at me.
I want to scream it at you but I don't.
I'm too small for you now, you have outgrown me.
To them I am a perfect fit but to you I am small and I am useless.
When did you get so big?
Just look at me.
Do you see anything at all?
Once I was beautiful because you saw that in me.
But you don't see me at all anymore.
You whispered it, you cried it, you meant it.
But it's too late, you're gone.
You left without me.
You promise me you'll never leave but you're already gone.
I am not dead, you are not dead, we are dead.
But you loved me once.
You whispered it, you cried it, you meant it.

1) I love that laugh you do when you find something genuinely funny. Your laugh is music to my ears and I replay it in my head a hundred times a day.
2) I love your two front teeth.
3) I love the freckles that align on your arm.
4) I love those big, innocent brown eyes. One look from you is like a shock of electricity through my veins, I could stare into them for a lifetime.
5) I love the indent in your chest because when I lay my head against it, I can hear the beating of your heart, I feel a part of you.
6) I love your legs, they're so long and lean. You are the most graceful person I know.
7) I love your big hands. The way they overpower mine, the way they touch me, the way they protect me.
8) I love your mind. You are so full of creativity and ideas and it always seems that you know everything in the world. You never fail to amaze me.
9) I love when you whistle in the car.
10) I love when you eat my burnt grilled cheese even though it's most likely not edible.
11) I love when you pull my close and when we're skin to skin you tell me how you wish we could be closer.
12) I love your signature face. You know, the one where your eyes are squinted and your mouth is left open.
13) I love your name. First, middle, and last. You have a unique name and it fits such a unique person. I never knew a name could hold so much power over me until I began getting weak at the knees every time it came up in conversation.
14) I love when you kiss me at stop lights.
15) I love your ears.
16) I love your heart. You are so caring and full of compassion, you put everyone you know before yourself. You put so much effort in your relationship with others.
17) I love how hardworking  you are. You strive to be the best of the best and you're certain of what you want in life.
18) I love your red car because it holds some of the best memories of my life.
19) I love your voice.
20) I love when you let me paint your nails.
21) I love how you fall asleep with me every night on the phone.
22) I love your stories. Whenever you tell me things about your past or what you're doing way over in Boston, it truly makes me happy.
23) I love when you sing me the "Baby Bear" song.
24) I love your expensive taste. You put thought into what you wear and you wear everything so well - especially nothing.
25) I love the way you taste.
26) I love your arms. Your arms are my home, the only place I always want to be. When your arms are wrapped around me, I feel safe. I feel like no harm could come my way.
27) I love your hair, especially when it's a complete mess.
28) I love when you take pointless pictures with me. When you're away (like now), I look at them and think to myself "He is the most beautiful person I've ever seen and he's mine. He's all mine."
29) I love when you talk dirty to me.
30) I love the way you "baby talk" with me.
31) I love your yellow wristband.
32) I love when you used to play guitar for me (although it made you really nervous).
33) I love your taste in music.
34) I love your lips.
35) I love when you tease me for walking to fast.
36) I love when you slow dance with me in my room.
37) I love when you "watch" movies with me.
38) I love when you're big spoon and I'm little spoon.
39) I love when you tell me bedtime stories, even if they're typically only "Once upon a time you're cute and I love you. The end."
40) I love the pet names you give me.
41) I love when you get jealous and want to have a talk with any guy that bothers me. Your protective side makes me feel so loved.
42) I love how you write. Even if you've only written about 3 poems. You are talented and whenever you write, it speaks to me.
43) I love how you countdown the days until our anniversaries with me.
44) I love when you come home from a long absence and we just hold each other, so tightly and with such passion.
45) I love watching you play basketball.
46) I love the sound of you breathing on the other line.
47) I love how whenever a problem arises, you remain calm and deal with how irrational I can get. You always find a solution and make everything better.
48) I love when you call me as soon as you get home from my house just to tell me you're safe and that you miss me already.
49) I love how you always look for and successfully find a positive in everything.
50) I love our inside jokes.
51) I love how we make up after every fight somehow stronger.
52) I love how you look in your glasses.
53) I love driving around with you. Even if we have nowhere in particular to go to, just being with you is enough.
54) I love your willingness to make this long distance relationship work. You always stay right by my side, even if it's not physically.
55) I love that I can trust you with anything I have going on in my life. You're my absolute best friend.
56) I love your dreams. You want to travel the world, see things, be a part of things, live. I truly admire that and hope you take me with you wherever you may go.
57) I love laying naked next to you.
58) I love that you're a gentleman and always treat me like a lady.
59) I love that you're always hungry.
60) I love how you always come back for not one more kiss but three or four more kisses when you're standing outside my door to leave.
61) I love that you remember little things about me. You're always there to listen.
62) I love how no matter how hard I push you away, you never leave.
63) I love how you accept me and my past.
64) I love the face you make when we're making love.
65) I love how we make fun of each other.
66) I love when you randomly tell me that you think I'm beautiful.
67) I love our webcam dates, although we don't have them very much anymore.
68) I love your feet. Man toes and all.
69) I love when you leave and I just curl up in my bed where I'm surrounded by the scent you've left on my pillows.
70) I love the "I love you" "I love you more" fights.
71) I love when you send me baby animal pictures just because.
72) I love how my bra and panties are hanging up on your wall.
73) I love when you buy me clothes because they always end up my favorite things to wear.
74) I love that old white t-shirt you gave me before we began dating, I still wear it all the time, you know.
75) I love you watch my favorite TV show with me via the phone.
76) I love all of our awkward experiences.
77) I love how peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are "our" food.
78) I love our song. No one's gonna love you more than I do.
79) I love your honesty. You're never afraid to speak your mind.
80) I love when you talk about our future together. You have no idea how special it makes me feel and how bad I want everything to work out the way we've planned.
81) I love how your favorite color's orange. I don't think I've ever met anyone with that favorite color.
82) I love that one story of how you got a piece of popcorn stuck in your ear when you were a kid.
83) I love how you were the one to teach me how to french kiss.
84) I love when you scold me for not locking your car door.
85) I love that you never leave my mind. I don't think you realize how much I think about you or how often your name is mentioned in a time span of thirty seconds.
86) I love how I'm your one and only. You're so faithful to me even though you're so far away. You always can't wait to get back to your girl back home and you make sure I know that.
87) I love taking walks with you.
88) I love how you keep your promises.
89) I love how you're afraid of spiders but would kill one for me in a heartbeat.
90) I love watching you eat.
91) I love spending my summers with you. This will be our third summer more or less "together".
92) I love when you tell me that your biggest fear is losing me. I never want to lose you.
93) I love when you're falling asleep and can only make moans.
94) I love when you tell social networks how much you love me on our anniversaries. I know it sounds lame but it's such a wonderful feeling knowing you're not ashamed of me.
95) I love when you get all mouthy when I insist on paying for our food.
96) I love when you look at me like I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
97) I love when we kiss in public.
98) I love your sense of humor.
99) I love how you always know the right things to say.
100) I love how 100 reasons isn't enough reasons as to why I love you.

Don’t remember our bitter exchange of words,
The way our tongues were thrown like daggers to the heart;
We licked our wounds with rusted swords,
We spill blood upon a canvas and claim it as art.
Don’t remember our sealed silence,
Our mouths sewn with steel thread;
Our mouths sewn with complete abidance,
I don’t even recall the last words being said.
Don’t remember our childish ways,
Pinpointing blame on opposing sides;
Stubborn we were and stubborn we are,
The way that we feel coincides.
Don’t remember that lonely night;
Forgetting the other exists.
Love is a soldier that always chooses to fight,
We put down our peace signs are raised our fists.
Don’t remember the time I broke your soul,
Tore it to pieces like throwing glass only to watch it shatter;
You would always push and I would always pull,
But that doesn’t mean you didn’t matter.
Don’t remember when I yelled out that I hated you,
My voice is a siren to your sheltered mind;
I had awakened your senses from a restless red to a wish-you-were-dead blue,
There were so many words you couldn’t seem to find.
Don’t remember cuts and bruises,
Our lifeless imaginations;
Lack of emotion from over usage,
Our eternity’s fused with new mutations.
I hope you never forget to see,
The reason why I left and why you let me.

We hide our love in secrecy,
We're a whisper in a raucous room.
We down small doses of bliss,
Wishing to be in a drunken brume.
Our heads are buried under the clouds,
If only this casket would set us free.
No haze to shield us from the truth,
that we must hide our love in secrecy.

To my old best friend,
Do you know what it's like to be alone? I bet you don't.
I bet you don't know how it is staying in every Friday night or going a whole day without saying a word. You did this to me, now tell me, do you think I deserved this?
Do you think that I deserve to be fighting monsters in my head, do you think I deserve to feel
empty and hate the hollow shell I've become? We spent so much of the past together, we grew into who we are today together. Now we're strangers, we're worlds apart. I should hate you, but I don't. I should wish you dead, but I can't. I take the words "I love you" seriously, I will always love you even though you've hurt me more than anybody could ever. This is my final goodbye.

To the first boy I thought I loved,
Thank you for putting an ache in my heart and shame in my being. I thought I loved you once and for that, in itself, I will never forget you. You thought you loved me too, I suppose, but you also thought you loved the next ten girls in line. You were the first person to show me how it feels to be insignificant, a lesson I needed to learn. I needed to be taught so that I would be able to someday find somebody that thought the world of me, who would notice if I were to become absent in their lives. You taught me to be cautious of who I put my trust in, who I share my life with. For that, I thank you. This is my final goodbye.

To the first boy that loved me,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't love you back and I'm sorry I pretended to. I gave you something special and I hope you never take that for granted. I gave you my innocence. Even if I didn't love you, you hold a huge part of my life and I'll never be able to look back and leave you out. You were the first person to tell me that they love me and mean it and as much as you'd like to take it all back, I know that you did. I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry. This is my final goodbye.

To who I used to be,
Although I knew you minutes ago, you're what I need to rid of most. You make me feel ugly, weak, sick. You're built with these phobias, afraid of everything. What scares you most is living, I can't be you anymore. I can't walk through this life dead. I make eyes with the mirror and we still look the same but inside, we're not. I don't want to be you anymore. This is my final goodbye.

I knew a girl once.
She knew me back.
We loved each other,
everything was simple then.
She threw herself to the world.
She knew the world,
and the world knew her back.
I loved her,
but she didn't love me.
No longer did simplicity live in us.
I knew a girl once,
she no longer knew me back.
I threw myself to the world.
I loved her,
but she never loved me.
I was her once,
now even a reflection proves me changed.
I have become somebody she's hated,
sinking in my own sin.
She won't lend a hand,
instead she'll watch me drown.
Instead she'll watch me throw myself to the world.
One last time.
Even if she wanted to,
she can't save me.
I'm too far gone.
I knew her once,
and she knew me back.
We loved each other,
and everything was simple then.

My heart, it aches for you. You're gone, you're always gone. Without you, I am nothing and I am bound to nothingness until your return. Often, my mind wanders to lonely thoughts. Will you forget about me? Will you find someone new? Am I enough for you to keep? I am broken when I awake to days I won't see that smile, won't meet your lips, or your open arms, the days I won't get to love you quite like I want to. My heart it breaks beyond repair. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if I am to you what you are to me. I miss you more than anything. I miss you more than words can form. Even the prettiest lines could never be as beautiful as the way that I'm missing you. Every dream, prayer, and wish is for you. Dreaming, praying, and wishing that you'll come back to me. Without you, I am nothing. Without you, I have nothing. If your love is to be taken away from me, everything in me will die. Death to my happiness and my soul. Without you, I'm without me.

Dying of a broken heart,
but my love for you will live on long after.
I wish to lay kisses on your existence,
for you are worthy of much more than I can give to you.
Your absence is killing me,
and this time you can't save me.
Bury me under the ground that you tread upon,
so that my lips may meet your soul everywhere that you may go.
Dying of a broken heart,
and this time you can't save me.

Sunflowers sunken under thin films of snow,
beauty stolen by a bitter winter eve.
Oh foolish sunflower,
how he warmed you in his palms,
how he whispered sweet nothings to your petals.
Yellow bliss and regret in the backseat,
oh foolish sunflower,
how he loved you.
Wrapped in the innocence of an algid winter night,
covered in falsity and sin.
How he loved you,
how you didn't love him back.

A hollow atmosphere swallows me in desperate measures.
I don't fill its emptiness for I too am empty.
I haunt these walls that imprison my wandering mind.
I long for you to find me,
for I have lost myself in dreams of being full.

Our lips melt into each other as they meet,
colliding softly and sweet.
My arms wrap around your body like a ribbon,
tying together the pleasure of sin.
Sweat jewels our bodies and crowns us royalty,
The king and queen of intimacy.
Silence broken by heavy breathing,
heavy wanting and heavy needing.
Craving your feel, fingertips to skin.
We stop to only begin again.

I'm flying with feathers of spite,
knitting myself through wicked bodies, threading myself out of this place.
I wake up and it's only a dream, all of it.
No wings have made their way through my skin.
Get me out of here because I can't get their unsightly faces out of my thoughts.
Their claws, their deadly jaws, hooked into me to only draw my soul from my body.
My heart lies somewhere miles from here.
I can't fucking get to it,
I need to get to it.
I'm dying to live,
living to get out of here.

Drop her from your eyes like teardrops made of glass,
and watch her crumble as she collides with the fiery depths of her own hell.
Strident screeches, she cries for you. Pure and half alive.
Save me, save me, save me.
But you don't come to her rescue.
She drowns in sin and dies with the faith that she had in you.
Save yourself, save yourself, save yourself.

A few words of gratitude never seem to measure up to how I really wish to thank you.
I am forever grateful for the way you have blessed my life.
I am a damsel in distress and you are the hero that catches my fall.
I wasn't completely honest with you tonight, or any other time I told you
that the way those guys treated me, or so as much looked at me, didn't hurt me.
Each and every day I live with the things these few have said to me.
To them, I am a piece of meat thrown to their canine jaws. I am nothing  to them, nothing
but a damsel in distress. To you, I am a princess, the queen of your heart.
I wasn't honest with you when I laughed off what happened tonight and looked the other way.
Inside, I was dying. I was digging my own grave to lie in.
I hate how a guy could look at me and want to defile me, want to use me for nothing but themselves.
A guy could want to pretend I'm something special for one night and one night alone.
I laugh it off because each and every time this happens, I feel it's my fault.
Was it the way I talked to them? Did I say something? Am I dressed too provocatively?
Am I frightful to look at and they think I should feel undeserving of their intentions?
Why do they do this to me? Why am I such scum to these guys?
Do you ever wonder why I stop and ask you if I'm pretty all of the time?
It's because of them. My self-esteem has dug its way so deep into the ground.
I'm so hurt but I don't want to tell you.
I'm a mess as it is and I don't want to be the damsel in distress anymore.
I want to be my own hero for once.
But I'm not that strong.
I need you and we both know it.
I lied to you when I said I didn't care what had happened.
I'm tired of feeling so horrible about myself and letting people make me feel that way.
Why can't they leave me alone?
You're my hero and saying thank you for saving me will never be enough.

Mentally, I'm drained.
I don't skinny-dip in thoughts of bliss,
I'm not soaked in wells of blue devils.
I'm dry.
I'm shriveled up under a sun of hopelessness for I have bled out my heart through self inflicted wounds.
I am the pale death of all things I once held so dear,
the one who destroyed my own haven of safety.
I put myself in the hands of loneliness and shame,
left myself for dead.
There's a danger that comes with me,
like a warning sign to those who choose to open my book,
those who choose to get close and read me.
Will I ever be fixed?
Am I fixable?
Mentally, I'm drained.

I used to catch a longing to start you and I over again, square one.
Back to the delicacy of butterflies and frail knees.
I stayed awake night after night dreaming of you somewhere inside my sentient mind.
Hearing your name made my insides twist like a wild sea unable to bridle its fiercest waves.
I begged of time to bring me back to the creation of us,
back to the purity of falling in love for the very first time.
Time waits for no one.
Months have made me wiser as they continuously pass by,
proving I was foolish for thoughts such as those I once had.
This is the rightful stage of innocence.
Innocently giving all we have,
innocently compromising,
innocently loving.
Butterflies have been replaced with concerns of your health and well-being,
weak knees have been replaced with only wanting what's best for you,
and everything of youthful love is replaced with the assurance that you're my other half.
Not only my other half but my better half.
I love you more now than I ever thought possible,
I wouldn't take that back for anything in the world.
What got me was the first feel of love
and what keeps me is the hope of you being my last.

I looked over at you and saw the sun reflecting off of your face,
The rays were kissing you softly and I had become enraged with jealousy.
Light drew itself into your eyes,
Drowning them in a beauty I couldn't yet explain.
Light drowned you in splendor and drained me of common sense.
Right then and there,
I wanted to kiss you.
I wanted to darken the world around you,
Become the only light in your life.
I am the moon,
You howl beneath me as I throw stars over your head;
And you fall for me as they fall for you.
You wake me from a daydream I have composed through my thoughts,
You ask if everything’s okay or at least you looked at me as if that’s what you wanted to ask,
And I stare at you blankly for the sun’s getting lower, cooler, and calm.
It kisses your chest as lightly as it did your face and then it dims into dusk,
I am the moon and I’m here to take its place.
I wanted to kiss you and so I did.
We kissed with our lips,
Not our words,
Or our smiles,
Or our laughs,
We kissed with our lips.
We kissed with our feelings, our longing, and our lust.
I looked over at you and you said with your smile,
“You are the light of my life.”
So I darkened the world around you.
I drew myself into your eyes,
Drowning them in something more than loveliness,
I sank them in the love that I have for you and nothing is more beautiful than that.