I want to be the first person you think of when you wake from a long nap after a hard day of work. The one you just can’t get enough of. I want you to love me like you will never see me again, knowing you will see me within the next couple of days. I want you to love me for who I am which includes my flaws and the parts of me that I wish I could change. I want you to kiss me like I am the only girl you have ever kissed. I want you to love me enough to tell me when I am wrong, but also to support me when I am right. Even if it is only us standing. I want you to feel confident when I am around, knowing that I won’t be going anywhere fast. I want you to love me enough to bring out the laughter that I love sharing with you. I want you to hold my hand in front of everyone, just so they know how happy we are together. Most of all though, I just want you to love me. <3
Looking into the mirror, I see this broken up person.
Begging for someone to come, to help her.
Pleading for someone to notice, she isn't as strong as they think.
I see the fear threaded deep within her eyes.
I can hear through her ears, the anxiety that chokes her.
It is her lips that reflect next, they tell me a story.
A tale of guilt and abandonment.
I continue to stare at this broken up person.
The tears fall like cement from her fearful eyes.
I want to understand her, why is she in so much pain.
She exclaims that nobody knows her, especially not me.
She smiles, I brush the tears off her cheeks.
As she walks away, I finally understand.
The pain comes from the strength that she shows.
It is not strength, she is inflicted by so much pain.
She is empty inside, hardened by so many ugly things.
Wonder if you, wonder of me
Content without you, how can that be
Of all the people, you became the worst
That was after everything, of course
Pain was not, what they made it sound
It was a tickle, the memory of you not around
The feelings were nice, but the suffering was not so
I am free, I’m happy I let you go
As I walk through this desolate wasteland, I am searching.
Never has it been clearer that I must find you, before it’s too late.
Where have you gone?
I close my eyes and I see your glow, blinding my vision.
Beautiful, although uneasy I am left.
So on I push, through the loneliness that I am surrounded by.
The darkness has entangled my arms, invaded my mind.
I plead for serenity, longing to see your glow amongst the desert.
Where was it, that dark place I lost myself in?
It is familiar, as if I never left, as if I’m still there.
Of all the people, I never second guessed your existence in my life.
I was certain, seeing your eyes glisten that darkened night, you wouldn’t betray.
They call me a fool, I plead for them to leave, yet they stay to mock me.
It is my thoughts that torture my days, because they know how naive I became that evening.
I assumed I knew everything about you,
But I guess I never knew you had more than one shade to your smile.
I knew it was a different grin that evening, maybe one of passion,
Or a smile to hide the fear, knowing there was no turning back.
I never saw that smile again, yet it teases my dreams, turning them into nightmares.
It was not a smile of passion, or even fear.
You were determined to unravel me that night, and showed me by a grin.
You admit you didn’t care about my feelings, my emotions, or even me.
So I warn any girl, innocent and lively,
That you may have more than one shade to your smile,
But you only have one motive behind each of those shades.
You are destruction in its finest appearance.
In the beginning, you were everything I thought I needed.
The spark of controversy that you introduced to my life sent me reeling for more.
Your absent-mindedness allowed me a viewpoint that was not familiar.
That was in the beginning.
Nearing the end, I have overcome you.
The blast of happiness that you fired at me is no longer powerful.
In fact, I am no longer infected by your smile or your touch.
I have found myself straying so far, all the while I feel you pulling nearer.
My heart is a polar opposite to yours, but my mind tells me to play it safe.
I continue down a long journey of pain to prolong your happiness.
I imagine a perfect world, one without someone to anchor me in place I’m not meant to be.
That same place that I’ve fought to avoid numerous times before.
Here, you have brought me there, to the dreaded nightmare of betrayal.
See, here is your face, close to mine, almost touching.
Lean in, go for something that could change us, close our eyes.
The pain flares, I remember the hurt now, eyes flash open in rage.
You lean in more, I feel nauseous, recalling your lies.
Unable to move, stone stiff, you touch your palm to my cheek.
Ice cold, just as I expected, just like your motive, frustration.
You lean in, I can not force myself to move, our lips connect.
I feel like I felt before, the rush, that sensation.
Numb, confused, hurt, alive.
You cause me heartache, impossibility surrounds us, stare at your eyes.
I am incapable of change, I know your the monster, you threaten me.
Move away, I must leave, even if it kills me, I must rise.
Deceitful, harshly conditioned, dreadful posture, eyes like coal.
We make our way to the battle hall, draw our swords, begin to fight.
Out comes the demon, not in my nightmare this time, savage.
You can’t keep me from what I have to do, independence, be the light.
I melt into you, you have won, defeat in the air.
Escape, only a thought, a dream, weakness floods my eyes.
Trudge through the forest, into a cave, cold, dark, lonely.
I am you, we are us, because a monster I love, without a disguise.
Tossing and turning, heart aches and burning, why can I not escape this?
Deeply I am cringing, inside I am itching, please free me.
Pushing through pain, waiting for change, facing the truth.
Surrender my smile, become a child, shy away from this fate.
Discover something new, still a bit blue, sitting up straighter.
Falling back down, around around around, this cycle will never end.