I think the worst part about all this boy stuff is that I know I should go for it.
Just take the chance and see what happens.
Because I was down this path before,
and I went for it.
And, it didn't end up with daises and sunshine.
But I tried, and I had fun.
And understood why not after that.

What's worse than being lonely?
Being newly lonely.
I forgot how miserable that part was.
At least I've been lonely for so long, that the concept is not close to
unbearable,
unimaginable,
literally impossible to perceive in your mind.
At least I know I can live with it.
At least I'm not afraid of it.

Feeling lonely is inevitable.

Sometimes I get sucked into thinking about the past.
Mostly about you.
And how there are no words to describe what we had,
because we never spoke about it.
We talked about how we didn’t talk about it.
And even when things kept progressing, we still never really talked.
Part of me misses you, but I don’t miss that.

I start to look back and realize that you really were my best friend that year.
Heck, my only friend.
But then I have to remember that I was miserable and sad.
I was so unhappy with my life and how things were going.
And even though I had you, I didn’t really have you, because I never knew your mind.
I thought I did, at times, but I always knew there was much more.

I was young then.
Only a year younger than I am now, but it makes all the difference.
Or maybe just the experience has taught me to grow.
Either way, when I look back…
I just see two silly adolescents,
looking for something neither of us could ever completely find in each other.

You intimidated me, you scared me, but you were also the only comfort I had.
I didn’t know what to say to you, what to ask, what to talk about.
When I think about it, I don’t think you knew what to do either.
It’s like, we were both the mysterious type, the ones that people are drawn to.
But when you put us together,
we just waited for the other one to try to figure us out.

Maybe, though, we were also afraid we’d get too attached.
To find out we really had the world in common and then- nothing.
Only to end up hours and miles away.
We knew that’s how it would all end anyways.

I don’t know, this is all from my perspective.
Part of me wishes I had the confidence then, that I do now.
Part of me wishes I would have tried harder to open up with you.
But most of me knows I just couldn’t back then.
And realistically, most of me is glad I don’t have the conversations, too,
to remember you by.

once.
I knew you for a weekend.
Saw you once after.
You were attractive, yes.
And I enjoyed the conversations we had.
Our words went a little deeper than scratches at the surface.
The way we made each other laugh.
And your smile, it gave me tingles.

Strangers yet again.
but thanks to social media advancements,
I can see the songs you listen to.
And if you could just tell me why, why they’re so sad.
Eyes like those should smile.

Sending positive vibes your way my weekend pal.
And hoping our paths cross sometime again, too.

How do you do it?

Capture someone's stare
because you are vivid movement.

But how do you
capture someone's soul?

One person.

So insignificant to
the world.

Becomes everything
to another.

No one even tries.
(usually)
(kinda)
(well, you know)

To spark the interest in
someone's mind.

How can I?

Be so consumed by
thoughts of your existence.

How do we
fall in love?

What makes a
person so fascinating?

Why are we all so intrigued?

I think I have come to the point where my interest in you can’t thrive on nothingness.
And I know I’ve felt this way before, and before for you, but
this time I think this is it.
When feelings don’t reciprocate, they can’t survive.
And I can feel you slowly slipping away.

they said get comfortable
and I tried

that silence wasn't always bad
I learned to believe it
and as I did
it had consumed me

too comfortable with nothing
forgot to say something

so, silence.

more silence.

until the silence got so quiet
it disappeared
as did I

it was not loud
or tense
or comfortable
anymore

then I remembered
they said get comfortable
so I'm trying

I didn’t expect you to notice.
     me. because i am gray and you are green.
I didn’t expect you to smile.
     at me. because you are you, and i’m just me.
I didn’t expect you to speak.
     to me. because you pour stories, and i am always dry.
I didn’t expect you to care.
     for me. because i have never felt worthy.
I didn’t expect you to tell.
     me. of your feelings, because i hadn’t a clue they existed.
I didn’t expect you to ask.
     me. to stay over, every night after that.

but you did.
you made me feel more than just the possibilities in my head.
then without any words, you were done with me.
and i’m still trying here, to expect nothing.

Alright, soo...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a chameleon.
You can put me with (mostly) any group of people and I can fit in,
I can get along with everyone and genuinely enjoy the things they enjoy too.

But just as a chameleon will never actually be what it looks like,
I will never feel like I actually fit in.

My childhood was kind of ruined by the "friends" I had.
I had friends who treated me like shit from first grade to junior year of high school.
I started out my senior year of high school all alone.
Sat by myself, kept to myself.
And then through the middle of the year I started hanging out with the group of friends
that I still have now.
But joining them so late, I was always just missing something.

I love them all to pieces, and am so thankful that this is where I've ended up.
But I've never been 100% comfortable with any of them.
And then I get to thinking that I've never been 100% comfortable with anyone.
I mean, I think I have, but it was so long ago I don't really remember.
After that, I get to thinking that I won't ever be able to be completely comfortable with anyone.
Part of me know's that just silly,
but then what if it's true?

I haven't had a best friend,
or someone to talk to about everything
in over, almost, two years now.
This is probably a lot of this problem.

Back to being this chameleon...
When it comes to preferences, I either have none, or all.
WIth music, I can enjoy pretty much everything.
When it comes to movies, I don't care enough to be the one to decide what to see.
My hobbies include everything; music, instruments, art, sports, critical thinking, exploring, writing, etc.
I'm really content with it all.
When people want to do something and give me choices,
most of the time it honestly doesn't matter to me which one happens.

That makes me feel like I have no opinions.
And people without opinions are usually boring.
Which makes me feel like I'm boring, and have nothing to offer anyone.

When I look at my friends, they all have some substance to them that makes them who they are.
And then there's me.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "you're just Julie!"
I have no idea what that actually means.
I keep trying to figure out who I am and whatnot,
but since I'm a chameleon, it's like I could be anything.
Which in return makes me feel like I'm nothing.

From there, I'm just lost and stuck.

I could probably talk to one of my friends about this,
honestly, I could talk to all of them and they would help me.
But I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach the topic.
And every time I get the opportunity,
it seems to me like I'd just be complaining.
And I don't feel like I deserve to put this on anyone.
I don't want to be a burden.

For someone who enjoys almost everything,
and is liked by almost everyone.
I feel like I am nothing.

drip, drip, drop
goes the coffee pot
as the blue birds sing
and bring
out signs of spring
my heavy eyes
compromise
with the sun rise
the warm weather
is no surprise
just a gift
a lift
to let us breathe again
my friend
lay with me until the end

it's a strange thing,
love is.
how deeply we can fall into it
but now standing on the other side,
it's like i've forgotten who you were.

somehow i've erased the files
of your face, and of your smiles
and your voice.
the one thing that would never leave my head
it has.

i still think i see you,
in shadows
and in faces of strangers.
only to focus in on someone that
isn't you.

and what i remember now,
isn't you.

because we've grown up
and changed and
have become the people we are today.

but i still remember that day
when you told me
i love you.

from my best friend,
to stranger.
i always will too.

Well I was too afraid to sleep last night
Stayed up until 4:30
Trying to get you off my mind
I was too afraid to sleep last night
Because I knew you'd be there too.

I was right.

I dreamt of you
In the clearest ways,
Everything was real.
I dreamt of you,
And in that dream
You told me what I wanted you to feel.

In mid-kiss I had awoken
Slow to realize
The words were never spoken.
I lay back down in disbelief
I was still left broken.

The room was hot
Her skin was dry
In speckled formations
That resembled alligator skin
Laughter from the room over
And the buzzing of the refrigerator
Were the only
Outside noises
The ones inside her head though,
Those voices never rest
Outside from the window
Cars and people trickle by
As the night does
One cup of water
Filled too many times
The room was hot
But her fingers still cold
Slow breathing
Even slower tears
The couch was black
And its leather resembled
The texture of the skin
On her unevenly shaven legs
The wall was white, and flat, and hard
And she felt her spine against it
Each time she took a breath
She sat motionless
Her body sent tingles and itches
To make sure she knew
She was alive
The stillness of the air haunted her
Just as reality's voice crept in singing,
"You're still alone."

I tried to sleep at night,
But thoughts of you came to me
Desire and want began to taunt
And I could not leave

Your long sleeve shirts they hurt
In ways 'cause I won't feel them
Wrapped round my freezing skin
Oh, please just let me in

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

I tried to ignite
In your eyes a light
But mine was compromised
See, you already had one there

I know I'm wrong and you are
Right to just look past me
But stars and swirls they twirl
My heart when you look at me

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

You've got me smiling down sidewalks
My heart, it stops when you talk
I could sit and stare for a while
Just to wait and watch you smile

But I will take what I can get
Even if you never see it
Times we share don't go compared
Just let me believe it

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

And I hope that sometime
In the summer shine I can call you mine
Oh, I dream of the time
In the summer shine when you will be mine

who are you when you close your eyes
when the dark skies take over
the cars loose their zig zags and start to braid
as their lights blend
the strangers of faces pass by
and none of them know your name

who are you when you take that sip
when your mind slips
the memories fade away with the rain
as the bells ring you start to sing
the music is loud
and you don't remember anyone standing there

who are you when you begin to dance
when the eyes of everyone else fall upon you
the music swirls and stirs your brain
as the beat flows through your fingertips
the room closes in
and you are the only one to walk the planet

who are you when you start to sing
when your voice reaches the corners
the world shatters in the palm of your hand
as everything falls into its exact places
the words come together with meaning
and you close your eyes to enjoy the scenery

You put me through Hell.
Knowing that whichever way I turned,
        you were there to stab me in the back.
The countless hours of crying and confusion
        trying to get you to understand that you were in a delusion
        that I was never out to get you, and I
        never tried to hurt you.

                Although sometimes, it felt like that was your
                only mission.

You never took the time to listen or to compromise with
        the words that came out of my mouth.
You were good at the quick reactions and sudden stabs
        and my mouth simply didn't run as fast as yours did.
Because trying to word the truth into means in which you'd listen
        was a seemingly impossible task that I
        tried to tackle and defeat.

                But your sting defeated me
                instead.

I'll have you know,
        I've never missed you more.
Four years later, I'm still reminiscing of a time
        when yours was mine.
Secrets were shared, and we actually cared
        about each other.

                The words "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" never really
                fix anything.

They could have but words
        can never be erased.
They leave a trace
        especially ones that travel in permanent ink and are
        always linked on the internet
I'd love a chance to start over, I feel like we've
        grown since then but you
        grew up with each other and I
        was left to find another
But never did.

                And I could really use a friend here.

I could feel the water drop
into the pit of emptiness that
laid beneath my heart
for my stomach,
it was not hungry
but this headache was telling me
otherwise.

I could have a disorder, but I
choose not to
that's what I've always told myself
but nowadays I think
differently.

not eating is easy.
the only problem is that food is
flavorful, delicious.
throwing up is easy.
the only problem is there are
too many people around to
hear me.

there seems to be a different
kind of disorder that my
body is going through.

you see,
I eat one meal a day
and that's enough
I get full
off of one meal
and I still think I eat
too much.
if I ate more,
it would be a disaster
but,

it isn't normal to only
eat once,
is it?

it isn't normal to look
at myself and
love what i see
but not be happy with
what's there.

there might really be something
wrong, huh?

I travel
to places
only I
know of
submerged
astray
encased
my thoughts
take over
every sliver
of my intellect
absorbed
drowned
consumed
I mostly
sit and
wonder if
you're
thinking
of me too
I breathe in
sigh out
and then
journey
slide
drift
off to
a land
where you
are what
I wish
you could
be.

I'm back home.

where the walls are blue,
the bed is big,
and the pillows engulf me.

where the music is loud,
the door is open,
and the everything is mine.

where the room is comfortably cluttered,
the spaces aren't blanks,
and everything has a meaning.

where I can talk for hours,
the faces actually know who I am,
and the respect I show is reflected.

where the streets have names,
the lines and dots connect,
and I know where I'm going.

where my mind still wonders,
the wonderland continues,
and you are still on my mind.

I want to know you
who you are
who you were
where you've been
where you're going
your dreams
your fears
and what makes you smile

because that smile…
I'd love to be the one to give it to you every time