Sometimes I wonder
Whether you ever truly existed,
Or were simply a figment of my
Imagination.
I’d be lying if I said
I wanted to forget you
And pretend it doesn’t burn.
My love for you will never
Escape my heart,
And the pain of being
Forgotten
Will never be released
From my mind.
I am not real.
I only exist when you want me to.
And when I’m gone
I (do)n’t want to come back.
Now is the time to fade away
Into my shadows, as
Thin as a ghost, as
Invisible as a whisper, as
Imaginary as the kisses
I used to blow into the wind
For you
To catch
While you were so far
Away.
It's staring at me.
And smiling.
I want to know what you feel like
on the inside...
I want to feel your flesh,
your skin,
give it to me...
I close my eyes.
I hum a tune.
I know it's still staring at me.
I can feel its shine
gleaming through my eye lids.
You cannot resist me or
my sharp, pointy end.
You want me.
I hide the safety pin in my pocket
where it later comes undone and stabs my hip
and I have to take it out and put it before me
again.
You want me,
don't you?
That's why you can't just
throw me away.
Go ahead try and throw me away.
You can't, can you?
You want me.
NO!
Leave me alone!
Come on...
Just one little prick--
Just one...
You know you want it.
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?!
You want me
LEAVE ME ALONE!
You want me
SHUT UP!
You want me!
You want me!
You want me!
YOU WANT ME!
Close my eyes--
Cover my ears--
Hum louder--
Bite my lip--
IF YOU DON'T PICK ME UP
AND SCRATCH YOUR SKIN
RIGHT NOW
I'M GOING YOU STAB YOUR
WRIST AND LAUGH
AS YOU BLEED
scratchscratchscratch
Now, will you shut the fuck up?
No.
Now do it again.
I am a rubber globe of helium on a string.
Lost boys watch me floating in the air,
Chasing after the round, colorful thing,
With a ribbon just above their hair.
They chase on endlessly without tire,
Because they each want the shiny toy.
They run with passionate fury and fire
To prove they are the most deserving boy.
Because I am new and colorful and bright,
They will chase me until I deflate.
I will watch them continue their boyish fight
Until it becomes far too late.
Every day has become a
Gloomy Sunday
With dark gray
Rainless clouds
Hanging in the sky like ornaments.
Even now my hand yawns and sighs
At the effort of pouring out
The dregs of inspiration still
Crawling
Slowly in my veins.
With great effort do I animate each limb
Struggling to stand
Wobbling when I walk
Tripping when I tread
Clumsily counting each stair I
Climb, panting and faint.
When I do walk,
It's as if I'm in a dream,
Swimming through cream
Floating away with the breeze
Getting lost
With ease.
I hide beneath my blanket
And pillow
Pretending to not exist,
While counting away the minutes and hours
Of each day that I have missed.
And even with all this bed rest
The illness still persists
And insists
That I remain its prisoner,
Carrying its heavy, ugly form on my
Shoulders
Even though when I turn around
There is nothing there
But empty gray air.
Am I hibernating in my cave of comforter
Waiting for the wintery woefulness
To melt away?
If I wrap myself tightly enough
Can I make a cocoon to sleep in
Until a beautiful metamorphosis?
(This
Imaginary
Illness
Is all too fucking
Real.)
For hours,
I stare out my window at the cloudy sky,
Waiting for the day the cocoon breaks
And I fly.
But until then there will be no sunlight
So for now I’ll struggle to sleep
After kissing myself
Good night.
It's broken the silence
With agony.
I lay, listening to my soul
Writhing in the ether,
Waiting for time to run out...
I still remember the day my heart was
Sliced in two,
And my soul was stolen,
And a time-bomb was placed in my chest.
Sometimes the flashbacks haunt me
At my happiest moments,
And sometimes I can feel the
The sting of the needle
And the hard pull of the thread
Inside my chest, when
My heart was sewn back together--
Then my heart skips a beat.
My body continues to survive,
Eating,
Sleeping,
Smiling when it can...
I've learned how to live like an
Animal.
Some nights,
I simply lie awake,
Listening to the timer
Counting down:
Tick, tick, tick...
"Scream louder!"
Says that voice that owns what's left of my soul,
Holding it in torturous captivity.
"DON'T YOU DARE HOLD BACK YOUR PAIN!"
I hear it all
I hear it
I hear...
And all I can do,
Is listen,
And wait
Until
The universe can watch as
My body flies apart
And scatters the pieces of my flesh
All over the earth
When the timer runs out.
i wear my pain on my on my sleeve for all to see
maybe a stranger will take the time to talk with me
but only for a nominal fee
we'll sit on our couches and talk about life
about this cold world and all its strife
with which my life is rife
with this thought i behold my knife
but throw it away
because i'm hoping there's a reason
to live another day
i'm addicted to my tears,
taste the saltiness on my lips
an ocean to drown in,
briny, mixing with this bottle
suffocating the screams
and helping me sleep
the world is full of nightmares-
not like monsters under your bed,
but the demons dancing in the hall-
the monsters outside your head.
assimilation
asphyxiation
this transformation
of my foundation
exiting humanity
and injecting insanity
cacophonies in my cortex
veering around the vortex
torn between
reality and
actuality
silently suffering in solitude
What is it you create
You, who watches stars,
You, who only wait,
Just staring at scars?
You, who watches stars
Fade away from light,
Just staring at scars,
Hope someday they might
Fade away from light.
Avoiding the memories' glare,
Hope someday they might,
They might meet us there.
Avoiding a memories' glare,
Lock it all up, so secretly,
They might meet us there,
We could give them the key.
Lock it all up, so secretly,
Behind a mask of words,
We could give them the key,
To our heart, torn in thirds
Behind a mask of words,
Please, tell all you know
To our heart torn in thirds,
Plant the seeds, let them grow.
Please, tell all you know,
As we wait behind these bars,
Plant the seeds, let them grow,
With the fading of our scars.
You, who watches stars
You, who only wait,
Just staring at scars,
What is it you create?
I'm sitting in my cell,
behind the cold bars.
I look out the window,
and I count the stars.
I'll give them all names,
in their own unique way,
so I won't feel so alone
although they're far away.
Every night I'll see them
and we'll dance with the moon.
One day they'll see me free,
maybe someday soon.
So kiss me, dear night,
my true love and friend.
Sing sweetly in the starlight,
don't let my dream end.
I love you sweet darkness,
stay here with me.
Though I'm behind these bars,
You've set my heart free.
the big teacup is littered
with ripped band-aid wrappers
a purple tea bag stares
right at me, glaring
at what a mess
i've made
an envelope of band-aids
is my only friend at
7:30 AM
the boys who want to kiss me
can't smell the vomit on my lips
they drink up the delicious
delusions with careful little sips
i lie through my teeth
between hellos and good-byes
they dance to the music i write
waltzing with me among the lies
i weave a sticky web
and dare them to fly through
i don't know why i do this
but it's what i do
these days
they each go by
quicker and quicker.
they flutter by in a blur
and i’ve lost track of day and
night, even when the sunlight
burns my eyes.
i pass these moments with thoughts
that say there is more
than this.
there is more than
repetitive predictable events
occasionally interrupted by
devastating dramatic ones
like a rude speaker at tea.
there is no such thing as time
anymore. there never
was to begin with.
just events
in order.
i am out of order.
i am out of time.
i am hidden in a darker world.
i am not here.
.
I will wither here
die here
if I continue to sit still
pretending to be a tree
hiding under my own leaves
shrinking away from the exposing sun
covering my self with
blooming flowers and
autumn leaves
.
I was sitting outside a coffee shop
When I saw a woman park nearby,
Get out, and ask her friend to wait.
She had a goofy smile on her face,
She was salivating at the idea of a
Little treat.
It's been a hard week:
Doctors appointments--
She's getting older-
It's harder to walk each day her
feet meet the ground-
Money is tight
Friends are sick and
dying--- the excuses could go on...
She came out the door a while later
with a cup in her hand
Blended iced coffee with
Chocolate sauce and
Extra whipped cream --it's Friday after all--
I watched her with her big grin,
Her cheerful aura gleamed in the su--
Splat.
Ice instantly begins to melt on the hot cement
The plastic cup rolls in the wind
The woman stands there for a moment,
An invisible frown on her face for but a
brief moment-
"How silly of me, I dropped it..."
"Why not go get another one?"
"No, no...there's still a little in the cup..."
A faint smile with hollow eyes-
Oh how embarrassing!
One does not simply go into the coffee shop and say
"I dropped my drink, I'd like to buy another."
She removed the paper from her straw
And took a sip from what she managed to salvage from the blunder.
She smiled back her tears,
Buckled her seat belt,
And drove away.
There is a rather interesting man
who sits near my "cubicle" at work.
Every Friday
--and Wednesday
(shhhhhh)--
he makes
"Friday Coffee"
which has copious amounts
of cream and sugar.
He was out of town this week.
It was a strange beggining to the day
without his usual cheerfulness
about Friday Coffee.
Now, usually I don't drink coffee--
and when I do I drink it black
(to save one calories, you know).
But today I decided to have
Friday Coffee
With only a little less
cream an sugar
(you know, those blasted calories...)
It wasn't the same with out him, but
it was rather nice to treat myself
to something lovely
and make me wee bit cheerful
to be at work today.
It's almost summer time,
and all I can think about
was last summer
and the summer before.
When the warm wind blows,
I am suddenly wrenched back to those
better days,
those days with late nights
watching movies,
playing games...
Those days we would jump in the car
and drive to nowhere,
get lost and find our way back again,
running low on cash and gas.
I had never been so
happy and so afraid--
yet so excited to fight the dangers of life
with your hand in mine.
When dreams were too scary at night,
you were always at my side,
breathing softly,
always at my side.
Remember our first kiss,
at four in the morning
at the lake?
Your hair was blue--
and wasn't that during the short time in our lives
when your hair was longer than mine?
Darling, we were so different from the others,
and so warm together when I held you to my chest,
feeling your breathing,
and the peach fuzz on your arms
as we lay in bed.
I miss those nights, fighting with the cat
for cuddling space between us,
Those random fights we had
over the silliest of things.
Was is so wrong to be happy?
Why did it all have to unravel into this
torturous, tangled mess?
I even begin to wonder if those days ever were--
Was it simply a dream?
Memories made up
to cope with the life I have come to live?
Will the knots ever come undone,
And be weaved back together,
And be the blanket that protects us
From the cold and the dark?
Please,
come back to me,
and let me hold you
and whisper to you,
I love you
until we fall asleep,
and never, ever, ever
leave me
again.
one a summer's eve,
i went outside,
to greet a friend--
to dance with the night.
i felt her soft touch on my face,
and traced down my arms.
her body wrapped around me tight,
hugging me softly in the moonlight
her hair fell on my cheeks...
she smiled at me--
she smiled at me--
she smiled--
she caressed me,
she pressed her skin against mine--
i could feel each of her stars shine,
they kissed all over me--
each tingled--
each tickled--
made me
giggle with glee,
feeling her dark, soft skin
all over me.
we danced until dawn,
'till the sun kissed the sky,
she frowned at me, pouting--
not wanting to say good-bye.
she kissed me one last time--
I'll see you soon
and when the sun came up,
she flew off to the moon.
the dreary day
is dark and gray
my lingering mind
seeks to find
a place to hide
while i'm stuck inside.
The twilight twinkles
with little stars
speckling the sky like jewels suspended
in an ocean of changing
colors.
Symphonies of words
Drown me in sensations
As if I am flying--
and shining as bright
as the sun.
In this moment I feel
overwhelmed by the cracking dam
of my imagination
and I let out a cry
as it all breaks free.
Flooded with ideas,
thoughts, memories,
I swim through the chaos and wonder
and softly land of the shore
of my emotions
after being tossed around in the tide.
I let the grains of sand tangle in my hair,
letting them sparkle in the sun.
Great birds fly overhead
singing a waltz as the watery waves
wash over my body.
I feel a tingling in
my fingers and toes.
I squish the soft,
wet sand between my
digits, taking hold
of the earth and
breathing my soul into the
dancing wind.
This is where I belong:
washed up on the beach of
my mind, waves of wild
imagination smoothly sliding up my
skin with the swift splashes of water--
laying between the elements,
being kissed by the star of
day and stars of night,
listening to imaginary
birds sing and my skin raising with
goosebumps, engulfed in the
wind's song.
I am home,
I am imaginary,
I am lost to reality,
and
I am happy.

