I am a rubber globe of helium on a string.
Lost boys watch me floating in the air,
Chasing after the round, colorful thing,
With a ribbon just above their hair.

They chase on endlessly without tire,
Because they each want the shiny toy.
They run with passionate fury and fire
To prove they are the most deserving boy.

Because I am new and colorful and bright,
They will chase me until I deflate.
I will watch them continue their boyish fight
Until it becomes far too late.

Every day has become a
       Gloomy Sunday
With dark gray
               Rainless clouds
Hanging in the sky like ornaments.

Even now my hand yawns and sighs
        At the effort of pouring out
             The dregs of inspiration still
                Crawling
             Slowly in my veins.

With great effort do I animate each limb
           Struggling to stand
                 Wobbling when I walk
             Tripping when I tread
    Clumsily counting each stair I
         Climb, panting and faint.

When I do walk,
      It's as if I'm in a dream,
           Swimming through cream
     Floating away with the breeze
                  Getting lost
                              With ease.

I hide beneath my blanket
       And pillow
Pretending to not exist,
While counting away the minutes and hours
       Of each day that I have missed.
And even with all this bed rest
       The illness still persists
              And insists
That I remain its prisoner,
Carrying its heavy, ugly form on my
                     Shoulders
Even though when I turn around
        There is nothing there
        But empty gray air.

Am I hibernating in my cave of comforter
         Waiting for the wintery woefulness
                                          To melt away?

If I wrap myself tightly enough
      Can I make a cocoon to sleep in
             Until a beautiful metamorphosis?

(This
     Imaginary
  Illness
                    Is all too fucking
                                   Real.)

For hours,
I stare out my window at the cloudy sky,
Waiting for the day the cocoon breaks
                     And I fly.

But until then there will be no sunlight
So for now I’ll struggle to sleep
               After kissing myself
                       Good night.

i wear my pain on my on my sleeve for all to see
maybe a stranger will take the time to talk with me
but only for a nominal fee
we'll sit on our couches and talk about life
about this cold world and all its strife
with which my life is rife
with this thought i behold my knife
but throw it away
because i'm hoping there's a reason
to live another day

i'm addicted to my tears,
taste the saltiness on my lips
an ocean to drown in,
briny, mixing with this bottle
suffocating the screams
and helping me sleep

the world is full of nightmares-
not like monsters under your bed,
but the demons dancing in the hall-
the monsters outside your head.

assimilation
asphyxiation
this transformation
of my foundation

exiting humanity
and injecting insanity

cacophonies in my cortex
veering around the vortex
torn between
reality and
actuality

silently suffering in solitude

What is it you create
You, who watches stars,
You, who only wait,
Just staring at scars?

You, who watches stars
Fade away from light,
Just staring at scars,
Hope someday they might

Fade away from light.
Avoiding the memories' glare,
Hope someday they might,
They might meet us there.

Avoiding a memories' glare,
Lock it all up, so secretly,
They might meet us there,
We could give them the key.

Lock it all up, so secretly,
Behind a mask of words,
We could give them the key,
To our heart, torn in thirds

Behind a mask of words,
Please, tell all you know
To our heart torn in thirds,
Plant the seeds, let them grow.

Please, tell all you know,
As we wait behind these bars,
Plant the seeds, let them grow,
With the fading of our scars.

You, who watches stars
You, who only wait,
Just staring at scars,
What is it you create?

I'm sitting in my cell,
behind the cold bars.
I look out the window,
and I count the stars.

I'll give them all names,
in their own unique way,
so I won't feel so alone
although they're far away.

Every night I'll see them
and we'll dance with the moon.
One day they'll see me free,
maybe someday soon.

So kiss me, dear night,
my true love and friend.
Sing sweetly in the starlight,
don't let my dream end.

I love you sweet darkness,
stay here with me.
Though I'm behind these bars,
You've set my heart free.

the big teacup is littered
with ripped band-aid wrappers
a purple tea bag stares
right at me, glaring
at what a mess
i've made

an envelope of band-aids
is my only friend at
7:30 AM

the boys who want to kiss me
can't smell the vomit on my lips
they drink up the delicious
delusions with careful little sips

i lie through my teeth
between hellos and good-byes
they dance to the music i write
waltzing with me among the lies

i weave a sticky web
and dare them to fly through
i don't know why i do this
but it's what i do

these days
they each go by
quicker and quicker.
they flutter by in a blur
and i’ve lost track of day and
night, even when the sunlight
burns my eyes.

i pass these moments with thoughts
that say there is more
than this.
there is more than
repetitive predictable events
occasionally interrupted by
devastating dramatic ones
like a rude speaker at tea.

there is no such thing as time
anymore. there never
was to begin with.
just events
in order.
i am out of order.
i am out of time.
i am hidden in a darker world.
i am not here.

I was sitting outside a coffee shop
When I saw a woman park nearby,
Get out, and ask her friend to wait.

She had a goofy smile on her face,
She was salivating at the idea of a
Little treat.

It's been a hard week:
Doctors appointments--
        She's getting older-
        It's harder to walk each day her
                feet meet the ground-
Money is tight
Friends are sick and
        dying--- the excuses could go on...

She came out the door a while later
with a cup in her hand
        Blended iced coffee with
        Chocolate sauce and
        Extra whipped cream --it's Friday after all--

I watched her with her big grin,
Her cheerful aura gleamed in the su--

                        Splat.

Ice instantly begins to melt on the hot cement
The plastic cup rolls in the wind
The woman stands there for a moment,
An invisible frown on her face for but a
        brief moment-

        "How silly of me, I dropped it..."

                "Why not go get another one?"

        "No, no...there's still a little in the cup..."

A faint smile with hollow eyes-
Oh how embarrassing!
One does not simply go into the coffee shop and say
                "I dropped my drink, I'd like to buy another."

She removed the paper from her straw
And took a sip from what she managed to salvage from the blunder.
She smiled back her tears,
Buckled her seat belt,
And drove away.

There is a rather interesting man
who sits near my "cubicle" at work.

Every Friday

--and Wednesday
          (shhhhhh)--

he makes
"Friday Coffee"
which has copious amounts
of cream and sugar.


He was out of town this week.
It was a strange beggining to the day
without his usual cheerfulness
about Friday Coffee.

Now, usually I don't drink coffee--
and when I do I drink it black
(to save one calories, you know).

But today I decided to have
Friday Coffee
With only a little less
cream an sugar
(you know, those blasted calories...)

It wasn't the same with out him, but
it was rather nice to treat myself
to something lovely
and make me wee bit cheerful
to be at work today.

It's almost summer time,
and all I can think about
was last summer
and the summer before.

When the warm wind blows,
I am suddenly wrenched back to those
better days,
those days with late nights
watching movies,
playing games...
Those days we would jump in the car
and drive to nowhere,
get lost and find our way back again,
running low on cash and gas.

I had never been so
happy and so afraid--
yet so excited to fight the dangers of life
with your hand in mine.
When dreams were too scary at night,
you were always at my side,
breathing softly,
always at my side.

Remember our first kiss,
at four in the morning
at the lake?
Your hair was blue--
and wasn't that during the short time in our lives
when your hair was longer than mine?

Darling, we were so different from the others,
and so warm together when I held you to my chest,
feeling your breathing,
and the peach fuzz on your arms
as we lay in bed.

I miss those nights, fighting with the cat
for cuddling space between us,
Those random fights we had
over the silliest of things.

Was is so wrong to be happy?
Why did it all have to unravel into this
torturous, tangled mess?
I even begin to wonder if those days ever were--
Was it simply a dream?
Memories made up
to cope with the life I have come to live?
Will the knots ever come undone,
And be weaved back together,
And be the blanket that protects us
From the cold and the dark?

Please,
come back to me,
and let me hold you
and whisper to you,
I love you
until we fall asleep,
and never, ever, ever
leave me
again.

one a summer's eve,
i went outside,
to greet a friend--
to dance with the night.
i felt her soft touch on my face,
and traced down my arms.
her body wrapped around me tight,
hugging me softly in the moonlight
her hair fell on my cheeks...
she smiled at me--
she smiled at me--
she smiled--

she caressed me,
she pressed her skin against mine--
i could feel each of her stars shine,
they kissed all over me--
each tingled--
each tickled--
made me
giggle with glee,
feeling her dark, soft skin
all over me.

we danced until dawn,
'till the sun kissed the sky,
she frowned at me, pouting--
not wanting to say good-bye.

she kissed me one last time--
I'll see you soon
and when the sun came up,
she flew off to the moon.

the dreary day
is dark and gray
my lingering mind
seeks to find
a place to hide
while i'm stuck inside.

The twilight twinkles
with little stars
speckling the sky like jewels suspended
in an ocean of changing
colors.

Symphonies of words
Drown me in sensations
As if I am flying--
and shining as bright
as the sun.

In this moment I feel
overwhelmed by the cracking dam
of my imagination
and I let out a cry
as it all breaks free.

Flooded with ideas,
thoughts, memories,
I swim through the chaos and wonder
and softly land of the shore
of my emotions
after being tossed around in the tide.

I let the grains of sand tangle in my hair,
letting them sparkle in the sun.
Great birds fly overhead
singing a waltz as the watery waves
wash over my body.

I feel a tingling in
my fingers and toes.
I squish the soft,
wet sand between my
digits, taking hold
of the earth and
breathing my soul into the
dancing wind.

This is where I belong:
washed up on the beach of
my mind, waves of wild
imagination smoothly sliding up my
skin with the swift splashes of water--
laying between the elements,
being kissed by the star of
day and stars of night,
listening to imaginary
birds sing and my skin raising with
goosebumps, engulfed in the
wind's song.

I am home,
I am imaginary,
I am lost to reality,
and

I am happy.