Jenna Andrews
Dark poetry; in my dark times.
I noticed your scars,
You noticed mine,
We understood.
Never spoke a word,
We didn't know how.
Didn't know we could.
We went to the library.
I picked up Cuts,
You picked up Scars.
We were trying to speak up.
Trying to convey a message,
One that was the both of ours.
I noticed that you count calories.
You noticed that I'm always nauseous.
We know the truth.
We'll never speak a word,
But we noticed each other's,
Misunderstood, unstable youth.
"Who is that?"
"Me? No. What? That can't be me."
Where did these scars come from?
Where did my mind go?
What happened to the happy smile,
And the eyes that would brightly glow?
What happened to that pretty girl?
With the brain that would always grow?
When did this life turn so sharply cold?
When did my self-esteem become so low?
When was the last time I was happy?
I can honestly say, I don't even know
My eyes are always tearing,
Death is on my mind,
And the only thing I can say,
Is that I'm perfectly fine.
Thoughts become reality.
Dreams become so clear.
Cuts become too easy,
And living is the biggest fear.
I don't want to kill myself,
But I so badly want to die.
The note is written,
And the pills are by my side.
Nobody has tried to stop me,
Nobody has seem to care,
I'm not worth their time,
But, oh, they're well aware.
I'm sorry to my parents,
I'm sorry to my friends,
But it has come that time,
Where this life has to end.
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who's the suckiest of them all?
Grab a blade and leave a scar,
Always remember how terrible you are.
I'm going through a cycle,
That death can only end.
So many mixed emotions,
I cannot begin to comprehend.
Expressing my emotions,
Leads to being an "attention whore"
I do not take the razor to my skin,
But I do start a war.
Holding everything in,
Leads to fake laughs and smiles,
Tears fall when I'm alone,
And the blood pours out for miles.
Sober, I'm depressed,
Drunk, I tell everyone,
High, I'm relaxed,
But all, I just want to be done.
In the end,
I always feel like shit,
So as Darwin would say,
Clearly I'm unfit.
You call yourself a friend?
You point out my flaws,
Every chance you get.
You start drama,
Just to make me upset.
You only talk about you,
And shut me down.
You sit there and complain,
But get angry if I frown.
You claim I'm asking for pity,
Because I'm depressed.
You say my life isn't bad,
And I'm just stressed.
You won't even ask,
What is going on with me,
You only care if you're involved,
Otherwise you will flee.
I cry suicide and you swore,
That I was an attention whore.
I'm asking for you to care,
But I hope you're aware,
That you're a bitch.
You'll be that way until the end.
But you will continue to say that you're a friend?
Razor,
I thank you for being my friend.
You are all I have
And you'll be here until the bitter end.
You understand me.
You know I'm not after pity.
You've been here for it all,
You've watched me fall.
You don't leave me,
When the rest of the world,
Is far gone and free.
You don't judge,
You don't hate.
You put me in a content state.
So I thank you razor,
For putting up with my sorrow,
Because without you,
I might not be here tomorrow.
Blood shedding,
But this time it's different.
It bleeds in a shape.
The word "die"
The word will last forever,
Forever carved into my leg.
Suicide all around,
Two in one week.
Will I be next?
No.
Mother says it's selfish.
Cannot disappoint mother.
Will anyone save me?
Will anyone hear the call?
Will anyone stop me?
No.
I'm on my own.
I need to be strong.
I will push through.
For who?
Not I.
No.
Everyone else.
I cannot disappoint.
I fear for the day.
The day that someone finds my scars.
Someone will put the pieces together.
I fear the thoughts on my mind.
The mind I once loved,
The one that now wants to kill me.
I fear becoming that cliche girl.
The girls that I thought didn't really exist.
The depressed, suicidal girls that I have morphed in to.
I fear fear.
Fear is holding me back.
Fear is controlling my life.
Kill the fear, not yourself.
There is blood on my sheets,
A knife in my hand,
A cut on my stomach,
Yet no one will understand.
My happiness is all an act,
I don't want to be alive,
You're pushing me away,
I cannot survive.
I'm floating around,
Not knowing where to go.
Trying not to think,
So tears do not show.
Any sign of emotion,
Will make me blow.
And here I'll stay,
Way, way below.
There are nights that I endlessly cry,
There are nights where I wonder why.
There are nights of pain and fear,
There are nights that I cannot shed a tear.
There are nights I want to run away,
There are nights where I really need to stay.
There are nights that I feel so alone,
There are nights where I just want to be stoned.
There are nights where I need someone by my side,
There are nights where to myself I sit there and lie.
Each night is different,
Yet strangely the same.
And there is only one
That I need to blame
Each night I know my destined fate
And it won't get better at this rate.
They think it's a game.
They think I choose to play.
They think I want to be this way.
Like I'm making it all up.
Like I'm doing it for attention,.
Like I'm in some other dimension.
No. I wish I could change.
No. I wish I could get well.
Don't you understand?
I'm in fucking in hell.
Anxiety attacks
Tears fall
Head aches
Feeling small
Mind wonders
Heart races
Mood swings
Switching places
Being alone
Music playing
Depressed thoughts
Here I'm staying
I'm in a funk
I can't get out
I need help
But it's something no one knows about
I have a black and white way of thinking,
There's no such thing as gray,
It is 100 percent perfect or I fail,
In every single way.
I'm forced to make a choice,
Either no sleep or pain,
And in the end,
I am no longer sane.
Waking up in a panic,
Heart racing,
Sweat dripping,
Head pounding,
Sleep is not an option,
Counting sheep,
Staring at the clock,
Looking at the ceiling,
Rolling back and forth.
Even if it is my choice.
I've come so far from the past,
And I don't know where I'm going,
And I don't know where I'll be,
But I'm heading in the direction,
Of a something I don't recognize.
A place called happy.
