jaimee-michelleWhisper

35 / F / American
I don't know what to call itIs this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******** and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you... / I love you
2
Oct 14, 2016
My unheard rantIf you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and **** so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to blow me off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you??? / I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. **** you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that god **** blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago... / There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some ******** I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less
4
Oct 14, 2016
The heart breaks in funny waysSometimes the heart breaks in funny ways / It doesn't shatter completely but a piece breaks off that you needed / That you counted on to feel happy or content or full
20
Oct 9, 2016
Until the EndIf I were to lay down here / So quietly that the silence became deafening / That the cold became freezing
6
Jun 22, 2015
"Rock bottom"I don't understand my life / According to the quote "rock bottom" / I've hit it
16
May 21, 2015
I just talk to myselfIt's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta / The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away. / I don't even want to walk away
15
Apr 11, 2015
Unique StruggleThere's a unique struggle when you're breaking down inside but, you force yourself to look at your face in the mirror / Tear rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks and trembling lips / The hatred you have inside makes you feel as if you're on fire and you turn the cold water on, but just let it run
34
Apr 10, 2015
Midnight AgainMidnight again / Exasperated sigh from the insomnia / I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
43
Mar 22, 2015
DollMost of the time I fear I'm just a fool for you / And that you are my favorite / And maybe I'm just your favorite doll
44
Mar 19, 2015
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