Ginger Gray
I sat there waiting
I sat waiting
Trying to look at you
But your head was down.
Just the way mine was when you
Raised my jaw and kissed me.
I asked you what happened
but you gave me no reply
You refused to discuss the topic.
You get one life
only one
make the fucking best of it
All you need is to be happy.
Do you know how much you are hurting me?
I put on a mask
I built up the walls
I pretended I don't care about you anymore.
I pretended you didn't rip my bedraggled
heart and leave it in a ditch.
I pretended you didn't push me farther
into the depths of this river.
Why won't you tell me what I did?
Please...
I'm sorry about this.
I will leave now.
He was singing
I was singing
You were playing the guitar
Just five minutes ago
I was so scared...
I was so close to tears.
But I told myself
he will not see me cry again
He will not.
I don't know what came over me.
I'm so stressed
I was so... In love.
Somebody kill me.
quickly
slowly
painfully
effortlessly
brutally
I don't care, I just want it to be over.
I want to let go of the sunlight.
I want you to kiss me again...
Kind of badly... actually...
Sorry.
You can see me
You know what's happening...
I could spend the rest of my life
in your arms
I could sing to you all night
I could never bring myself to
forget you
I could accept that we are not an item
but you are a part of me
And now... .
Nothing can change that...
I'm sorry. I want to let you go.
but my heart keeps hanging on.
my mind is frozen in place.
I'm stuck on your smile.
I'm lost in your eyes.
I'm remembering your chapped lips.
Treat me like you used to
Save me from the monster at my heels
Please just love me
like you used to...
Only last night
I was the center of your small world
You held me
You kissed me
You pressed your palms against mine
I am only a memory
Only part of the past
Lost in the hands of time
Short time...
How did you forget me so fast?
How did you let me slip between
your fingers, again?
How did you leave me behind?
I love you,
More than you know
less than you imagined.
When I'm with you I'm happier
Than I am ever with anyone
else.
Only you...forever and always
I wish I could go back in time
and save myself from you
Fix all the mistakes I made
change all the words I said
Reform the way I held your hand
relive the night you kissed me in the rain
Over and over
Feeling your breath on my skin
Absorbing your warmth around me
Forgetting the empty feeling I live with
Loosing my memories of rejection
And I'm back
The loneliness
The separation
The depression
You left me again
Just like before
The same kind of pain...
but worse
a deeper wound
a shallower soul.
I can barely remember the way you said it
I was so numb.
I was overwhelmed by the love you gave me
prior to you ripping my heart out of
my chest and throwing it to the dirt
I listened to you and I cried.
I could not speak.
You could not see me.
You could only hear the whisper of my voice
Only the sound of my tears hitting the floor.
The phone went dead when the words
hit me... your statement was clarified.
Honestly, you killed me
You were all I wanted... all I needed
All I want... All I need
That night I had you
That night you held me
That night you kissed me...
It was the peak of my existence.
The place I want to be, always.
I would never leave your side.
I would be there for you.
I would give anything
I believe it's worth it...
You are worth it
... You are more than worth it
I would treasure every moment
Just like we did that night...
I miss you
Your warmth
Your arms
Your voice
Your smile
Your everything
Take me back.
my life was lifted just above me
now I have to live with what I did
live with what I see.
I have seen a battlefield as a classroom
a warzone as a desk
when nothing is as it should be
then nothing is at rest
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In trying to cure this one wound
they have begun to open various cuts
of which are now beginning to fester and scar
I am one of those cuts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I have no sense of hope,
no pure feelings
no... nothing.
I cannot feel anymore
not the sun
not the wind...
nor do I ever think I will
feel... again...
By: RAIN <3
Like the dying petals of a carnation
Like the way I feel when you leave
Like the snow in October
Like the candle burnt out
Like the minute the story is over
Like the time it rained on your birthday
Like the time when I mixed colors and they turned black
Like the day when we dug a hole and didn't find any treasure
Like the time my rabbit died...
Like the time you held me and told me you loved me and then took me for a walk and kissed me in the rain and played me a song and made me laugh and made me feel important and then when I went home you called me... and told me that this wouldn't work out
Because
Your mom hates me because I'm suicidal...
I'm not suicidal when I'm with you.
Because
You didn't want to "hurt you again..."
You won't
I don't care
I'm happy as long as I'm with you
You make me keep breathing
You keep my heart beating
You are all I could ever ask for.
I love you.
Like when you wake up to the sunshine
Like when someone kisses you on the cheek
Like when you look into my eyes
Like when we dance
Like when you draw on me
Like when you can't stop laughing and then your stomach hurts
Like when it's cold enough to wear your favorite sweater
Like when it rains in the summer
Like when you find someone perfect
Like when you kissed me.
Sometimes
You see a color
And from then on
Nothing compares
Sometimes
You feel the warmth
And from then on
The world is frigid
Sometimes
You smell a fragrance
And from then on
Everything smells of death
And sometimes
You find love
And from then on
No one can take its place
Fragile walls stand between us
But they're holding you back
My heart anguishes
For you have changed me
I have fallen for you
Hard and fast
Simply and helplessly
You brought me
Back to the days when
You would hold my hands
When you would talk to me every night
When you would tell me everything
When I was a part of you
When I didn't have depression.
You played me
With your eyes of amber
With your heart of stone
Painted gold
Your arms were outstretched
Ready to catch me
But you let me fall
You watched me crash
A tear fell
But you walked away
I tell myself
You cared
And you said you did...
how fucking heartless do you have to be?
"Ginger, I don't want to hurt you...
again."
What did you do?
I would take you back for anything...
You kissed me in the rain
You held my hand close
You told me you loved me
You cradled me in your arms
You kept me warm...
But you
You ripped me
You tore me
You tortured me
You teased me
You broke me
I have never
Loved
like
this
I have never
Mourned
like
this
I have never
Bleed
like
this
I was just a
one-night-stand.
You found me bleeding
Oozing, gushing
You bandaged me
You tried to fix me
The old dog you
Left out in the rain
Expected to be better
Expected to heal
Expected to refrain
My guitar and pajama pants
Two of the few
Things that give me
A home
A pastime
A joy
An escape
The way you see it
I may have everything I need
But never
Can I ever
Be happy
Be content
Knowing
Seeing
And living
Without him
Without his voice in my ear
His hand in mine
His lips on my cheek
I am just
The old dog you left out in the rain
The rebound
The fling
The depressed girl.
I knew I would never forget you
When you guided my lips to yours
Your hand supporting my jaw
I forgot about everything
I let go of our past
I let you take me back to my happy place
I lost sense of reality...
and so did you...
You woke from this fantasy
A fantasy you built up to be true
You broke down the walls
and remembered...
You don't love me.
As you walked away
You left my body to collapse
Without one glance over the shoulder
The chills crept up my
spine
The devil danced back into my
soul
I felt the need to bleed
again
I felt the urge to torture
myself
Torture myself for falling
for you again
When I knew
I know
You don't
You won't
Love me
I crashed, lost in
love
Lost in
despair
The world buzzing around me
Friends only ghosts
Loves only memories
It's me against the world
Just going through the motions
Not listening, just remembering....
When shit used to matter.
Your lips were chapped
Your hands were warm
Your eyes were deep
...Your heart was large
You were ready to love me
You weren't afraid of me
You felt safe
That night
I love you
You loved me
A piece of heaven
...right back to hell
Why did you kiss me?
Why did you protect me?
Why did you hold me?
If you didn't love me...
If you planned to hurt me?
You can't run from the
demons inside you
You can't pretend you didn't hear me
ask you to call
You can't hide from the
girl at your feet
her face wet with tears.
I could smell your breath
I could feel your arm next to mine
The air was cold
My face was hot
There was music playing
Just then I realized what I had been missing
For so long
You are so beautiful
You are so perfect
You spoke my name
Pulled me out of my fantasy
I just want to be with you
Forever
I could spend hours and hours
And we would never run out of things to say
Though I have burdened you with bad memories
I have also burdened you with good
We would remember
But no
Back to the real world
Sharp around the edges
Sometimes you have to cut yourself
On those sharp edges
To get to the soft center
Are you going up to
the mountain tonight?
Was that to me...?
Is he talking to me?
Would he ever just want to spend time with just me?
Again?
I lie here
Procrastinating
Counting down
The days
The hours
The minutes
The seconds
When do I get to leave?
Why can't I breathe anymore?
Why can't I stand to listen to a word you say?
Why can't I resist the blade on my dresser?
Why did the fire burn out?
Screaming voices surrounding me
In the small space
Where I am safe
From the torture of others
The music engulfing what used to be Ginger
Lost in the air,
The sounds,
The colors,
The pain,
The cold,
The awkward limbs tangled around me.
White bleached hair in my eyes
The point of a pencil in my arm
Tears running
I'm giving up
The stress is eating away at me
My tortured frame falls to the floor
My broken heart beats
Its final rhythm
I am leaving
Escaping this living hell
With the love of my life
Beside me
His hand in mine
Goodbye, love
I hope you miss me.
Broken glass
Baby feet
Tarot cards
Hang man
Chapped lips
Callused fingers
A broken heart
Credit card guitar picks
Scattered on the linoleum
Pattering on the sidewalk
In the ancient hands of a gypsy
Dangling
On his cheek
At work, doing what there supposed to
Singing alone in the silence
In my back pocket
Don't let the small things go.
Don't let them stray away from your collection of memories.
Because I woke up
With my face wet with tears.
I remember
Pattering down the stairs
To find the piano shut
A story depicted
Bill is still sleeping
Do not play the piano yet
A rush of dismay
What used to cause dismay
Back when we were young
Back before my actions caused scars to appear
Back then not buying ice cream
Not being able to attack the piano
Was hell...
I had no fucking idea
Now in this day and age
If only I could trade
The full force of the terrible world we live in
Had not yet hit me
Sent me into my pit of depression
My road to drugs and suicide
Haunted by memories
Memories of childhood
Crying over mud on my legs
My toad escaped
Compliments from strangers at the grocery store
Old ladies in yarn stores
Sleepovers with boys
Waiting in the car in silence
For my mom to put away the grocery cart
Running around in the rain
Never wearing long sleeves unless I had to
Saying exactly what came to mind
But now
I lie alone
With cold feet
A pain in my head
And words on the tip of my
Tongue.
You held me
Like you have held me
Like you do hold me
Like you love me
Like you want to be with me
You kissed my neck
Like you love me
Like you care about me
Like you adore me
Like you want my warmth in your arms
You tell me
Tell all you want is
For me to be happy
For me to smile again
For me to stop making myself bleed
Every night.
But if you close your eyes
And you listen to me
You feel my hand in yours
You listen to what your heart is telling you
You will know
Please know
Despite the fact that you think
Every time you pull me closer
I feel better
I hate myself less,
I feel worse
I know you don't want me
I know you don't love me
I know you are scared of what
I am capable of doing
Capable of doing to myself
Capable of doing to you
You made me want to attack
Peel away all the skin left
Rip out the bloody remains of what used to be
My heart
Bury it in the ground
A place for it to live
Finally settled
Wrapped in white linen blood stained brown
Flashbacks
Your hands on my neck
Lips on my cheek
Fingers interlaced in your hair
A dark room
Moments of perfection
Eyes closed
Losing the moments quicker
Than ice melting
Reality
A punch in the stomach
Gasping for breath
Tears
Stinging in my mouth
Your eyes on my
Wounds
Battle scars
Open
Gaping
Bleeding
You broke down my walls
With a wrecking ball of glass and
Apologies
How many times now?
How many times have you put me though this?
How many times have you lied to me?
How many times have you been the reason for my bleeding arms?
How many times have you held me like a lover
When you didn't love me?
How many?
I am being haunted with flashbacks
Flashbacks of you
And the way you loved me
The way you've tortured me
But
I can't let go
I will never be able to let go.
