I'm going to have to be the one
No one else can save me,
not one human on the earth has the time to constantly be along someone's suffering side
So it'll be me, to do the duty on myself, to get through this never ending battle
& I'll be stronger at the end of it
But it's just so hard to do it alone while feeling so alone,
it even hurts to know that there are not many people who consistently reach out enough to grab me,
to lift me up and get me going
I'll have to be the one
I'm me, no one else can do it for me,
independency
But when you've spiraled down into such a deep dark place and you try to get out,
every inch doesn't feel that much closer to the light
I fall back in the mud again
Just to fail once more
To be a failure again
To repeat the cycle again
To never get out
To be stuck
Stuck in the mud that I fell in
Thank god it's not quick sand
If it was, I'd never get out
That's how I know there's hope
There's gotta be
Nothing lasts forever
Besides life
Life is infinite
Infinity is what?
People keep on smiling and thats great,
no jealousy, just envy for their days that keep on going, their routines and lives that are naturally just flowing, while I space out & sit in silence and wait to disappear in a sphere that's not crystal clear
My bones ache and for gods sake,
I try my hardest to appreciate
That I'm alive today
Even though my days are grey
Getting out of bed never felt so hard
It's like I've lost all my strength &
the power of my body and mind
I'm lost, but no ones there to find me,
I'll be here to find me, there's a little hope inside of me
Reading is such a chore,
since i lose track of everything,
feeling like a bore
No energy to take care of me,
well this is how it'll have to be,
but hopefully.. this is just temporary.
The air smells good
I'm getting misted on from my window
It's goodmornings like these that I truly enjoy
That I am so grateful for
The drops are falling so loudly onto the blacktops and power lines
Down the trunks of trees and windows
Serenity
Unfinished poem.
Wrote this a while ago
As I'm here lying wide awake under soft light sheets
Thoughts of you keep me from peacefully falling into a slumber trance
Relaxing myself just to ease the pain and far gone memories
Aching bones, weakened heart, soggy brown eyes, butterflies stomach
Worry I may lay here with thoughts of you until sunrise
Missing the closeness, lost without it
No breaking this sorrow secret
As I let my eyes shut, pictures of you and I reveal themselves
So intimidate so wonderful
Yet painful, not subtle
Just wished you knew how much you meant to me, how many days i hear your name inside my mind
And long for another beginning
Full Of loud laughter and joy, Care and sharing our dreams, Whispers and trust
New Friendship between a close knit old wounded past
You and I
No strings attached, just a hello and short goodbye
Catch up and casual chat
We're missing out on each other
I'm missing you
I dream to be aware of my surroundings
To notice it all crystal clear
perceive the world around me to be blissful and near without added fear
What its like to really feel an objects existence
To understand the meaning of existence itself
Need someone to bring me back to my core
I'm lost, my mind is sore and the life I'm in is such a bore
Stuck in my thoughts
It feels like forever
When I try too hard,
I don't get anywhere
I want to feel more connected toyou
But my connector to me is frayed
If my mind and my body become one again
Our love would be out of this universe
Bigger then all the hearts around us combined
Intense
Tired but I can't rest
Restless and
Stuck in my own mind
Losing /lost awareness
My surroundings make me clueless
What's around me
I don't know this
Smell the fresh air
Breathing careless
My thoughts are talking
Can't override them
I try to focus on myself but I can't
I know I say I can't but if I say I can, nothing happens
Negativity I wish it would jus disappear
It's hard work
It's a struggle
Got to fight through to produce these tears
All I say is how I want to feel again
How I want this how I want to be that how I want to do that so badly
But I'm stuck
In this never ending circle
The circle is a cycle
The circle has no opening and it feels like it's going to be forever
I say I know it's forever
It feels that way
I'm always feeling
But not really feeling
We're in this together
To be here for eachother
When we ache inside
When were lost from feeling alive
I don't want pity
I don't want you to give me anything
But love
Real tight hugs, caring words
Love is what I need
It's rough to get a cold brick wall feeling from you
I know you're under a lot you have a lot of weight on your bones
But It still sends tight vibrations down my spine
I can't see straight I can't hear words when I'm fed with fear
I hear the music but I don't feel it in my chest
I hear the lovely words in key
But I am so numb
It breaks my heart it's tears my heart apart to be so far
So far away from me
How is everyone such smiles?
And I'm just down with eyes full of salty waterfalls and my nose needing a tissue box/Kleenex
Please put your hand on my shoulder and rub it
Squeeze me shake me I want to feel you
Ground me
I don't need anyone to save me
I don't want to live anymore
In this detached world
I was fine before this struck
This CRAP IS SO horrible, FUCK
It's amazing how the brain functions and works, a traumatic experience in your life especially as a child can be regressed for such a long period of time then later revealed in adulthood and then the overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion, the "why me?", the guilt, the personal neglect, the shield, but then understanding yourself more... When you've struggled to find yourself and always felt so lost, so distant, so disconnected and so different and it starts to come clear to you and god starts to show you the past memories and what you've experienced. The visions you see, the first step of the healing process, being a victim of sexual, physical, emotional, mental abuse
Took out a pencil to erase my past
Pressure down on the paper while you're sitting in the chair
There's candle wax all over the tables
From candlelit canvases. You blew the flame out
Grey clouds and bags of flour mixed together, we go sour, we went sour
I kissed the mirror with my lipstick
I saw the hand watch tick away, away
And the time to play
means that you can't stay
before the day turns into
melted sun rays
It's Friday night, summertime, and what am I doing?
Sitting on my butt, in my second story apartment, in silence, staring at my dead tv, doing absolutely nothing, frozen lips, frozen mind, frozen body.
I try so hard to melt this ice bubble around me,
it's controlling my entire self.
I want to break the ice.
Throwing rocks at the water
And I said to myself
I'm not ready to go
I'm not ready to go
Well there's someone knocking at my door now
Whispering sweet melodies and telling me that there's a fire burning in the trees
But I tell them I can't make it through there
I just can't get through there
I wouldn't make It through
Stronger than a steel cup sitting on the stove
with the gas in the air
Through the branches
The Ceiling crackles
its tougher than your skin
You're ages away
Time can only show
Where our souls will flow
of tomorrow
And today's ugly snow
The days will travel alone
And meet us by the power line where there will be singing crows
and it's white like your clothes
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
im crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
You can't, you can't find me
While stirring up your coffee cup and milking your bones
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You can't spot me from the top of a tree
When I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm nowhere to be found
but in my head
Are you here for the same reasons?
What do we have in common? I bet there are a few things.
We are alike
Similarities strike again
The End of our roads will be the same
Our first breath to our last
I'm so beat up, my eyes are heavy, they're wearing out to the movement of pedestrians
I want to scream, oh this fatigue my bones feel weak, my neck starts to creak
I want out, wanna find my place
I wanna go out wanna go places
Wanna see the world
There are chemicals in my brain
They refrained and rearranged to a place where they flooded and drained
All out, depleted, emptied out my entire past, memories have been deleted
This is such a mess I cannot come to grasp
day to day living is such a blur and full of insecurities
Not knowing where I come from and can't be free within society
Trapped inside a box that's made of glass that will not break
Strength like a diamond, can't even be scratched, and what I perceive seems so fake
This epidemic is becoming a well known fact
No way to explain this state of mind or feeling to the world so all I can do Is simply act
Pretend things are fine and becoming a robot leaving me depersonalized
Technology is a distraction of thoughts waiting for my demise
Stuck in a disguise of happiness it's a disgusting life of lies
Lies of smiles that aren't worth while, so far gone that no tears even come to my brown eyes
Sitting, sleeping, breathing loneliness, toes curling, sad to my stomach, so sick, my thoughts race and whirl
Dreamland, fear is grand, this isn't an easy fight, so I curl
Into a ball of self pity
Hold my head up high and wait until this darkness turns into light
Wondering if my soul is still even inside of me
Numb as nova-cane
the city shines while we connect our minds
talk to ourselves in mirrors
asking why do we die?
the alarms will always ring
to keep the misery at bay
the roses thorns will fall
when the gravity stops us all
I always felt strange
Not mentally deranged
Just tangled up in pain
Games of the jealousy
Down low with no esteem
Maybe I'm just different than the rest
But we're all different
I'm sick of this place
It's not for me
Everybody's driving
Everybody's in their car
Next to me going fast on a route
A route to who knows what
Where is everyone going?
This never ending race
got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along to a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an easy option that gives me struggles
Smiles for miles, but the others, yeah, they don't want to see my teeth.
Eyes open wide, there was a surprise, the other's don't want to see my speak.
Keep hiding behind the curtain,
kick my boots through the window,
find me sitting by the river,
where the water never stops moving,
I want to get moving.
Opening up this silence,
pushing through the fake frowns,
"Would you like to hear my sound?".
He said "don't shut your eyes, don't close your mouth, don't hold your nose, this is what life is all about"
Start waking before sunrise, count your blessings, enjoy your favorite salad dressings
Count the sheep before you sleep,
Repeat positivity before you weep,
Make decisions with no regrets,
Chose choice C on every test,
Don't hold your nose, don't close your mouth, don't shut your eyes,
I was told once, I was told three times, "keep your head up, don't stop trying".
It's my birthday, got balloons in my hand. No paper weight will hold me down.
I'll be blowing out my candles at 11:11, making stronger wishes to be free like the fishes.
Gifts galore but nothing means more than the bottle from the liquor store
and 21 will never bring me down.
The flowers will bloom, when will this child inside me bloom?
The vines have thorns.
Will these thorns keep pricking me?
I can't even really feel them.
Will I heal?
This deflated heart is waiting to be pumped with your love for all the right reasons.
This ain't no treason.
The emptiness in between the walls.
Spaces between my teeth.
Can I just feel again?
Make me feel again.
The moonlight shines through my second story window, it's 3am, i'm waking up again
come steel the glass of water from my nightstand,
I just want to see you again, get that glimpse of your silhouette,
hear your breath down my neck again,
switch on a light, turn me on,
help me put out my fires,
got to start accepting these desires.
You can catch me holding onto my bedsheets, waiting for the sun to come up
