Frankie DeFrancis
I feel it ebb and flow
in my stomach
in the recesses of my heart.
The darkness in my mind
has swarmed and consumed
the light that was here
when i looked at you.
But I can remember
Every time you mended
those tiny pieced of my heart
that i thought
had dropped into the pit
of my stomach.
I can hope that the
lightness in my soul will
stay even if you
are washed out of my skin.
I will latch to that hope
you left at the top of my stairs
with the smell of your
unfiltered cigarettes.
there is a light
out my window
that beckons me to
to new horizons.
and as i chase it
to the place where
heaven and earth blur
i can feel it singe my flesh
burn my insides
and i crawl
with my bleeding hands and knees
and cry at god’s feet
beg for retribution
ask for the chance to
take my wrongs
and hateful words
ball them in my fists
throw them into the ocean
where the sun will
burn them as well
with the flakes
and ashes from my body.
I cut my flesh
To try bleeding you
From my memory,
But nothing subsided the flood.
Like the dust by the window
I would swim to your shores,
Wash up on the sand,
Gasp for air,
Claw at my chest,
Reach for your hand
And watch you fall away.
I would crawl all the way to see you,
My hands and knees only bone,
Just to see your face
And beg to make you mine.
As I died at your feet,
Would you feel relief?
If I could take what's left
Of this soul of mine
That you think so fondly of
And place it at your feet,
Would that be sacrifice enough?
If I could mend the pieces
Of this heart that
Still loves you with every beat,
I'd leave it in your hands
And ask only that you not return it.
Those things bring only misery
When you're not here to warm them.
I am sure you did not intend
To leave such ruin in your wake.
But I fear ruin is all that is left.
I have condemned myself
To live in this place
That drips with those sweet
Memories of your smile that
Lightens my soul
But breaks my heart.
I could sit and think
For days
Of how to put it beautifully;
I don't think it could ever work.
I like to think our journey
Doesn't end here;
That sort of thinking
Got me into this mess.
You've stopped my words,
You've siezed my heart.
I can only hope you find
What you're looking for.
And if that ring on your finger
Makes you happier than I ever could,
Then who I am to say
That I disagree?
But, for me,
I think I had it right
The first time when
I told myself that
My heart was mine alone.
They keep telling me
These walls are no good but
The souls that passes through them
Leave only destruction.
I could say that I'm alright,
But I told you I would never lie to you.
I could say that I'm moving on,
But my heart will always hope
To find its home again where
I was loved for who I am.
Who is going to stop the
War that's raging inside my mind?
There are those nights,
When the moon is dark
And the stars don't shine,
That I hate myself more
Than I can put into my
Prideful words.
Who will stop the sobbing
When I feel like they will
Never end?
If I can't speak the words
And I can't give you those
Sad eyes I do so well,
How would you ever know?
I needed you tonight,
But I just couldn't say it.
I could hate you for it;
Instead I inhale cigarette smoke
And hate myself some more.
This selfish world
Is not one I belong in;
There's a pain in my heart
When you mention her name.
Until now I have not
Addressed those accusations
That I, of pure intention,
Could destroy something so
Beautiful.
You've turned my light heart
To stone and I wish I could
Hate you for that.
I don't know why I hold my words
When I see your face but I wish
I could make it easier for you
To leave me where I belong;
A short chapter come to pass.
But this stone cold heart of mine
Keeps making excuses for you
To keep me where there should be
No place for me to stay.
I'm still not sure if it's warm here
Or just too hot; hot enough to
Melt this mistake you've made
Or to reduce me to bare bones.
I don't know how you stay,
I'm just glad you do.
And when she calls your name
I'll draw your face to mine
And pretend I did not hear word.
It makes me sick,
Keeps me up at night,
With my face turned
To the heavens
Pleading for a way out of
This place I have created
Just for you and me.
When the ashes fall
I do not taste the smoke;
Instead I taste you.
And when my eyes sting
I don't feel the heat;
Instead I feel you
Wiping my face clean
Of false pretenses and misunderstanding.
I wonder if you see her face or mine?
Because I have lost
My sense of right
And my sense of wrong
To the love and the fire
That fills my lungs
With every drag
Of these murderous cigarettes.
I have had my fear and my judgment
Stolen from my heart in that one moment
When we laid on my floor
And you told me I didn't need those things.
When you held me close and
Contained the flames
Within your own body;
Taking my burden as your own.
I'm searching,
As if with my eyes closed,
For the answer to questions
I dare not ask myself.
Stars are shining
As though they were made
To light up your face.
The sun and moon pass you by
Without a second glance;
It’s starlight,
Old as time itself,
That takes the loneliness from your face.
Black night offers you comfort
I will never know.
I fear the dark.
Why don’t you?
I miss the smell of you before we kiss;
Electricity jumping from that curve in your mouth
To the chapped skin of my lips.
That moment, where in my breath is held,
You exhale onto my skin.
The instant you tip your head away and
Tickle my chin with the hairs on your face.
You bow, rather than granting my lips the satisfaction,
Bringing blade's edge intensity to my throat.
I open my mouth to speak to those
Invisible familiar faces but
All that comes out is dust
From the sandpaper inside my mouth
I have come to terms with the
Angels at my finger tips and the
Hell hounds at my heels. The
Rust in my stomach groans
But I can’t hear it over the sound of those
Damned angles singing my death march,
And those Hell hounds barking
In time with the skeletal footsteps that
Approach my grave.
I looked Death in the face and
I did not ask him to let me stay,
But to just sit with me
For a little while longer.
I call them up
(it’s in the job description)
I ask them
“How are you today?”
(that’s in the job description, too.)
“Good, and you?”
Honestly, I’m a bit confused.
Are you actually doing well or do you say that because you’re in a rush?
Because you’ve got your pants around your ankles?
Because you just got pulled over?
Because you want me off the phone with you?
I also wonder if you actually care how I am,
Since I know I don’t care when I ask you.
Oh, but you’ve hung up already
(This is not in the job description).
Have a good day, then.
If I were to drink you down
Like a fine wine
Would you stick to the back of my throat
Like honey
Or burn the whole way
Like fire?
If I were to sigh in relief
It would sound out your name
Like the wind that knocks on my window
And speaks of gentle nights
And a safe drive home.
The pavement whispers promises
To pardon me retribution and to
Keep my travels swift.
My brain tells me
No, no, no
But my heart keeps me awake
Longing for the touch of a man
At an unknown distance.
A man with locked eyes,
Keys broken and lost,
And a heart in a language
I never even knew existed.
His soul is one of fire and passion
Though no matter how close I get
I am unknown to it’s warmth.
His speech tells me one story
Yet his body tells me another,
But I do not know which to believe.
I don’t know who lies;
Who tells me what I want to hear.
I know that when the morning is
New born, eyes squinting
And crying out for the warmth
Of the moon’s womb,
He looks at me as though I am all that matters,
As though he does not look through me
But into me, into the very soul I guard
With my pride and my honor.
He reads me unlike the untouched books on his shelf,
But with ease as though he were watching me
On a screen in his smoke soaked living room.
He dismisses me and turns his back
Before I can even tell myself that I
Have had enough of his taste on my lips,
Before I can open my eyes to see the sun
Peeking at us, shaking her head in a way
That can only suggest that she is chastising me
For following in my own footsteps.
I have no words to give her other than these,
Other than the assurance that, no,
He is not like those that walk down
The unpaved roads of my past.
He is unlike anyone the sun has caught me with,
Hiding under the moon.
I hope that when she kisses you back
She does it with the passion you deserve;
The same soft passion you pressed against my lips,
Tender and careful as if not to shatter the illusion.
I hope that when you walk
With your hand on the curve of her spine
She feels the same way I did;
A one in a million occurrence of lightening striking
In the same place twice.
There won't be much room for
Memories of me.
But, whenever the June sun beats down upon your face,
On those beautiful blue eyes,
And the grass smells fresh with dew,
I hope I become a fleeting thought,
A vague memory.
I hope I become that feeling that
You can't quite place when you think about
The things you left behind.
I want it to have been everything you wanted it to be.
As if her pupils could burn to ash
The very skin upon his face, he
Flinched away. He liked her most
When she was close
Enough to touch, but too far away to feel.
Should the desire for the intimacy rise
Above the neck, she felt too much.
But, when her body was away,
When she got dressed for the morning,
When she was on her way out the door,
Answering the call of anyone
Who cared to speak her name,
Anyone who cared to give her
The time of day anywhere but inside that room,
She was too far.
The sun’s just come up and
All I have to show for it is
Half lidded eyes filled with
A few months worth of regret
And a few hours worth of tears.
But, these are the things they
Don’t say when they talk about
Considering the future.
The sun greets me like an old friend
At half passed 5 in the morning. It’s
No surprise I haven’t slept yet, but,
For once,
I’m left speechless by the lack of beauty
And the painful desire for beyond the horizons.
They say to not let the wanderlust get the best of you.
I say it’s far too late.
I want clouds to be the
Fine clothing on a
Well dressed woman. A woman
Who slides into bed all the
Office men. Her clothing
Removed to show the stars
Twinkling on her skin and
The galaxies under her flesh.
I just want to peel off
This old, dead layer of
Used up skin, like dried
up elementary school glue,
and take a deep breath.
I just want a moment to feel whole
Again, like the early mornings
That catch a peek of you
Sneaking a look at me sleeping.
There always seems to be a moment
After the madness that you take a breath and
Miss all the chaos. I'm just waiting for the moment
That the chaos begins to stop missing me.
