She was tanner than me

and I lived on the sun

craved for attention

when I got none

obvious disinterest in her

but she never heard no

while they caved

in effort to appease

all her desperate pleas

no self worth

no self control

too high self esteem

she’d never realize

her dirty image

she was proud

“I get what I want”

but no one wanted her

because she was self-less

and selfish

too spoiled

to sense their denial

and her angst

from their disapperance

will never disappear

until she washes her face

and shuts her legs

“I think I fell in love with you that night”

But I didn’t say a word to you

did your eyes gaze upon

the smile aimed toward another

did your nerves unconsciously receive

the body language

that I was signalling

futility to someone else

or was it the kiss

to antagonize

I’m certain

it couldn’t be the way

I ungracefully ended

up in the wrong room

fumbling

slurring good night

I feel in love with someone else that night

It was the sound

: forlorn sighing

that communicated

he was visualizing

a grim scenario

it was the remark

that resonated laughter

so uncontrollable

I forgot to breathe

however, I got my way

the blood alcohol content: high

in the morning was quite absent

just like you

maybe jealousy took hold

or the agonizing alarm

that reminded you

that watching me follow someone else

wasn’t worth

the sleeplessness

it’s poison
not the kind that runs through you’re blood
killing you
but one that alters the wiring of your brain
destroying your integrity
composing a whole new sense of self
:instinctively  condescending
you begin to be negatively defined by your self-aggrandizement
magnifying your multiple but momentous detoxing

Contagious, but I remain strong
perhaps not emotionally though
Trying to point out the antidote
not expecting nor accepting the backlash
voicing that I am not allowed opinions
being denied my freedom of speech
second hand effects are oppressive
I just am not permitted to care any longer

Everything is invisable

planned and processed

with an escapble fate

that you first must igknowlege

but yet not over-analyze

to become dizzy with detachment

however, for many

they need the created direction

but they forget it exists

using force

while my feet are inclined

(to do so)

I’ll reach the same destination

I promise

Hell is a paradox

if evil loves evil

why does he torture them

in a fiery solitude

when behavior is relinquished

through punishment

and learned through rewards

but his image would not stand

and the devil would dissipate in intentions

so hell is over populated

with those who never change

from their mistakes and bad habits

a masochistic desire

chaining themselves

willing

to the train tracks

only further falsifying

the negativity

that we are slaves to fate

when our perception

is our true reality

The warmth

no need for a blanket

the agonizing perspiration

from trying too persistently

to get your attention

when my cheeks turned red

not from embarassment

but from the lack of heat

your arm intuitively

spoke

answering my next question

but you had to leave

perhaps you gained forsight

that I wouldn’t need your cover

till next winter

or undoubtably

you brought the cold to me

I forgot how to speak

somewhere in between

being afraid

and never being able to spell

so I learned to talk

myself out and into things

learning to stick up

without being stuck up

It was a wink

with both eyes

at the same time

because we communicate

not with words

or subconscious

body language

translated

different ways

but with chemicals

innate

to all the living

unavoidable

and destructive

to self-esteem

of those denied

because the signal

was cut short

blaming their personality

but it’s simply

invisible

and perceivably odorless

chemicals

This individuals intelect

is higher than my self respect

disinterest in his own needs

the crowd shamelessly feeds

off his instinctive antic

sparking a laugh despite being frantic

from personal details allowed to be overcast

the melancholy expression gas masked

suffocated by the company bought

out of the loneliness he sought

some skin willing to stay behind

because he was too proud to confide

a test of who deserves to listen

the white light he didn’t regard would glisten

as he danced around the idea

of ending it all via

a game desperately lost

internalizing eyes that glossed

over the topic

tried to roll my optic

nerve

to have swerved

from the defined graceless

to thoughts that divulged anxious

up in smoke to fill the void

despite getting paranoid

All it was

was anonomyous

a test run

to provide insight

to the minds

searching for a quick laugh

to recognize

and redefine

the human mind

diving deeper

into logic

that isn’t humorous

at someone else’s

expense

to enlighten

those with their brain

blindfolded

and their eyes

thinking for them

All that are well known

infinitely

were entertainment

not beauty

nor intelligence

a gimmick

I almost was imprisoned by

If my town

could handle the attention

we’d all be meant for Hollywood

if they could not blow

it out of proportion

not get upset

and learn to take a joke

I’d say run the cameras

I know California is far away

but I’d transport all the produced

laughter

I mean the streets are already

seemingly perfect

lined with the same damn palm trees

not to mention

the sky is always blue

and knows exactly

when we’ve just about

ran out of water

the people are just as salty

the weed just as prominent

among those who feel

secure enough

to blow the smoke out

The adults are just as plastic

while the children

either melt and move out

or slowly harden in the air conditioning

I could turn this reality

into a television show

I promise you

it’s been done

There’s only so much

one can see through the window

as it steams up

and the light tries to transcend

through the moisture

rippling through the frame

outlining the smoke

that was seemingly invisible before

There’s only so much

one can know

when all you’ve experienced

was in the shade behind that window

where there is no breeze

only a perfect set temperature

while the rest of the world

dresses appropriately for the storm

There’s only so much

one can assume

when the sound is muffled

by the bullet proof glass

the hint you needed to take note of

was not received

while everyone else doesn’t understand

why I didn’t move on

I’ve grown out of feeling

instant connections

the sinking in your chest

fixating your eyes

and recording all their sounds



I’ve lost it

to time

it’s diminished

minutes gone

because of time



I’ve lost you

along with this feeling

because our timing is off



if fate were to exist

I would already know you

and neither of us

would have been

hesitant and confused



carrying baggage

armor and weaponry

to a playground