He seems distracted, his lips tight.
Is everything okay, I ask.
He smiles and says it's just fine,
Then hurries off to the other room to grab his things.
Sitting on the bed, I got to thinking,
And the more I thought about it,
The more I realized that everything was going perfectly.
It was all going as it should,
It certainly couldn't be any better.
I smiled softly, a powerful peace filling my core.
He looked at me questioningly when he returned,
Quickly distracted by the task at hand.
He pulled the needle from my arm,
Replacing it with another IV.
Are you ready for your next round of chemotherapy Tiffany?
My heart flutters for a moment.
Yes, I am ready.
So what if there's nothing beyond the walls of
A corn maze turned to stone by
Fear in excess.
But I'll walk along with you.
I can't hold your hand but
I have your heart,
And I'll walk past stalks and stumps
and march through long and twisted paths.
I'll touch each vine and breathe life into
And I lost you along the way,
But I keep breathing, and walking
Knowing that hearts are around in plenty
And I have flowers to give,
So long as I breathe deeply.
I went to live at the water's edge
And breathe my garden into
I went to sow my seeds in tides
And float my flowers in the rivers,
I went to breathe my pollen into every crack
and every glacier stopped me.
But I know that knowing hearts are plenty,
And I have air to share,
Pollen to breathe.
The ivy grows on stony rock
Where I fostered it here,
And it takes time.
But I had you,
And I have them
So I breathe in deep and soak up the
The sharpness clears my mind
And the pollen soothes my soul.
So I collect my thoughts to grow here in my garden,
And take root in the hearts
That led me here.
I don't want to be depressed anymore.
The shoulds and woulds
All wrapped up in why did he
And how could she.
Eating slowly at the bonds I've formed
Human beings that are doing their best
But never good enough for me,
I'd rather be dead.
I don't want to be upset anymore
With the strangers on the bus
In their garb of business and sex
That they speak with boisterous joy
They should be considerate of me
And speak louder to drown out my thoughts.
Maybe I should drown them out on my own.
I want to be content
Because I want to do the dishes and use them
I want to dirty the floors and wash them again,
I want to see the beauty in a teapot and the joy in a
To see what it is to comfort a weathered soul.
I want to uphold routine.
I want to be happy
Because I love to feel alive
And I love to feel in love.
I love to love you and I want to do that for me
And maybe you'll do it for you too.
I want to sit with you in silence
And discuss soda in the coffee shop,
I want to look at you and cry
The only thing I can feel for you
And I know I will.
I want to live a life,
Because I want to be alive.
I want to look out the window
And see bright stars
Lights, and shattered visions.
I want to see
Colors and flying discs.
People thinking, dreaming,
On the edge of discovering
Always not knowing,
Always around the corner.
The timepiece etched in diamonds
Solid, imbued with living darkness
And sheltered worlds.
Pass the time along rivers
Motion, curling smoke and ladies dancing
I want to hear bells and raindrops.
Scattered droplets of rejuvenation
And solitary gongs calling into the depths,
I crave to see the night,
For what it could be.
For what it really is behind
Closed doors, and open windows
Behind every mind the desire to know
Others and people
Moving flesh and deep breaths,
Sighing into one another
Haunted by control,
Thoughts of distaste for the lack of
For I fear acceptance,
Accepting, to accept a flaw,
A spiraling flood of color
A crack in the shield of dawn.
The weeds pushing up through
Trees, skyscrapers grasping at the atmosphere.
Shadows beyond the fences
And your eyes when I've asked too much.
I want to feel the night for what it is.
Not for what it could be.
Knees against my chest
This is no way to go on
Hands through my hair
If you push hard enough
The hole in my lungs
Just sit still
Nails at my skin
That's not about to change
Pulse in my temples
Move slow, keep it tight
Jaw clenches hard
Breathe, come on
The dreams on the edge
Come back, stay grounded
Fear comes in tides
She's talking to you, focus
Drained, collapse, ache
Just a little farther, another step
Ripped, tossed, tense
Let's sleep now, please
A gasp for air
It's morning. I made it.
So it's scary
I know that,
And I think you know that too.
Yet I want to say "but it's so much worse"
and I can't because it isn't.
It isn't so much worse
It's just that words can only convey
It's just that kind of
A page break, a fourth wall,
And in the stages of my mind,
I can't play for you what I'm thinking
And I don't expect you to do it in kind.
I can only listen and hold your hand.
Because all I want for you is joy.
Not joy like Christmas Eve at age 6
When mommy made turkey
And you can't help but giggle when you see that big box,
Joy like, sitting in silence on the beach,
Silent inside and out.
Joy like, sobbing uncontrollably and pulling yourself together
Because she treated you with compassion.
Joy like contentedness, like satisfaction.
Joy, knowing that this mess is just because you're
Sometimes it's good to be me,
Good to be me and not you,
I'm not us,
And I need me. To smile and go on
My leap for joy is founded in me,
So maybe it isn't you,
Because I'm not us.
And maybe I need to be me with you,
To feel my heat,
My smile, I stretch your legs
And stiffness holds me
As I hold your legs,
and I keep still, and heavy.
For I know where I sleep,
But not you.
Here in winter coats to brace for storm,
I hold myself, not you,
And speak of my frostbite,
run my bath.
So here I am,
Me in all my self.
And I think that's alright
That's just fine,
To not be you.
And maybe the sky is softer
But the ceilings are lower,
So I'll just be me and I'll try for joy.
Not because I'm not us,
But because I'm me.
I see you,
sitting there saying "it's going to be okay"
know that's a lie, because sometimes to me, "okay" means that I won't
Wake up tomorrow morning,
with four gray walls, a house, and the ocean
the island off the coast thinking about
because sometimes it isn't going to be okay but this
battle of wits
is futile, so I clasp my hands
And I sigh
everyday, I rise up from my bed so I can sleep
a little longer, and it grows a little taller,
and everyday I rise up so I can sleep
walk a little longer, a little stronger
everyday I break waves to
sleep a little stronger,
and everyday I wish to rise up
to sleep as I grow tired, and taller,
everyday I walk like waves of
sleep and footfalls
and everyday I sleep to rise up
and fall. like feet into bed
everyday, I rise up to sleep
from sleeping in and out of sleeping beds
and everyday I dream of walking,
sleeping into flying beds,
everyday, I sleep from waves
of footfalls rising up to slumber,
and everyday longer and stronger,
falling from up and into sleeping walks of slumber
it's just that goddamned tap tap tapping
but away it goes
up and down, up and down the rows
of violets and tulips.
and she had two lips and violence
violent love and hate
crimes against humanity,
if there was ever any left
up and down, up and down the rows
of streets and cars
the lines and scars etched in his skin
but there's nothing like
a bottle of gin
numb around the edges, the seams
because everything is ever as it seems
and they just let it keep running
up and down, up and down the strands
leaving marks like brands to sell
the weave, the inches, the criss-crossed and sashayed
and she has one because it never looked to be
as long as she would like it as long as they would ask for,
and the years go on
so the tears flow on
growing longer, and taller
up and down, up and down the walls
of granite and moss
just one quick toss over the edge
because maybe humpty dumpty had it right.
nobody can piece that one together
like it's some big puzzle just twigs and grass,
make up the ass that he wanted to be
getting nothing that he wanted because he never asked
called or scrawled, just pushing, screaming
up and down, up and down the floor
of hardwood and paces
like jacks and aces handed out to those
who had them, no reward or achievement
it's own gift of life, and sometimes it's longer than you wanted
while crawling hands and knees to pick up
your bloody fingertips along the edges of cards,
because it's going to be okay.
because it will always be.
I want to write a poem.
No, like I really really really wanna write a poem.
Problem, stick it to me.
Poems have to be good.
Okay, so a poem doesn't have to be good
However, the point of the art is to have someone read
Those flippy little words that you pulled out
Of some intangible existence and pasted on
So you don't always put it online but,
Other people are "supposed" to read it.
To enjoy it, give you a pat on the back,
Maybe an "I see what you did there".
So poems are supposed to be presentable.
You've got to pay in sweat and ink but,
At least the words themselves are free.
What if I don't wanna have to make a "good" poem?
Okay so I really do want a pat on the back but
Sometimes I really like pasting things from
Fancy words right? Let me pat my own back.
Sometimes I just like putting my emotions on paper
While sounding like I read
More dictionaries than Webster.
Ha, ha, sigh.
There's a problem with having to be inspired to write shit down.
Do you think someone pays Taylor Swift's boyfriends
To break up with her
So she can write the
Next big hit?
I wouldn't doubt it.
My guardian angel should make the people around me
Say weird stuff such that I can write about
Walking on waves of shattered glass
Singing of birds in circled flight.
Maybe I'd be better off being hit by a car.
That'd be some pretty touching poetry.
Some people write happy poetry too,
I don't know how they do it.
Sorry but, my world isn't flowers and butterflies
Enough to warrant discussion of
Staying in the fairy meadow of light.
Sorry, I'm just jealous.
Maybe I just like writing stuff down?
What if I just don't want to be forgotten?
Leaving a legacy in my words more indellible
Than a pat on the back.
I just don't want to forget.
Brain, why don't you get it?
I'm sitting here getting all intimate with an idea and
The next morning Brain's got no clue what their name is.
Like really, even if we invite a friend over and get creative with
Our tongues and mouths,
Brain doesn't remember the moments shared between us.
Paper doesn't think very well but it's got a decent memory bank.
So I save up for a brand new poem.
I thought words were free.
I see through waves of
Shattered glass these days.
Through tunnels I hear you like
Sonic booms and the bang on the
Bathroom door the morning after.
With a gentle knock it splinters in my eyes
And I can't see you anymore.
Left with the shadows in the corners of my mind,
Guessing the silhouettes and finding words unsaid.
Fighting hard to find you,
Hands tracing walls in dark corridors,
Try to find the light switch,
But I always end up just pushing your buttons.
it winds up slowly at first.
still the gears warm up,
things move faster, traveling down the dusty ways.
it makes its path thickly through the forests,
driving onward into the deep.
the gentle clang resounds again,
and it spins faster now as the path slows.
It doesn't stop, yet it arrives.
a theatre, candle lit and open to the night sky.
the blood red curtains remain untouched
by the hand of age that seems to haunt this place.
it appears to be impromptu from the shuffling,
flying here and there, wherever it need be.
the spotlight shines on the curtains,
quickly they withdraw to reveal--
we flood the stage, the show goes on,
makeshift costumes from the trinkets and scraps
gathered in haste.
a cacophony of silence follows for a time,
the candles waste away and the curtains glide
back to where they belong.
no bow, no applause.
a gentle clang resounds in the distance.
Who are they that they get moments with you,
And I get weeks apart.
What prior commitment do you have with them?
And what about our commitment,
Don't respond, I know the answer.
A fortress of silence combats all conflict
I know you don't want to be with me.
Or rather, I know you want to be without me.
Maybe you want to be with me like one wants to be with a chair,
But if you want me gone then leave.
Don't leave me waiting for you.
I'm sorry, as you say
I'm not meeting you halfway
But I'm just doing everything I've ever been taught.
Everything I've ever learned from you.
Just hide it away,
Because maybe tomorrow it'll be gone
And I keep hoping, waiting.
Thinking that next year
You'll be right here,
And I won't be so angry that every moment is wasted
That every moment is precious.
Because moments will be plural,
And so what if it falls apart then
Because maybe we can't stand each other.
But right now I'm investing.
Surviving while all my love is banked,
Locked in a vault a few chairs away,
That won't even look at me
To see what I've learned.
Distance makes the heart grow weak
For what I've never said.
The words left unread
The pages of a story book.
One I never felt I should take a look
Through, all the thick and all the thin
I think that we have been
Fine, and rough, but good.
And all but good.
And I know it's not but gibberish
The days gone by
But I think if we just held on
They'd just keep going on.
Holding on by tooth and nail
But I've never really had to.
Never really had to try or bargain for
As I've gotten all I could ever ask, and sure,
I've never had to try.
But it couldn't hurt to do once more.
What do you mean?
Are you home?
I miss you.
What did you do?
You're not talking to me.
What if I don't want to?
I don't expect that of you.
I guess we're playing the same game aren't we?
I love you too.
I wasn't trying to turn my back on you.
I was irritated.
Let's try to be pleasant with each other.
I don't know the answer.
Who are you?
It was rhetorical.
I know that.
Doesn't help anything.
What are we doing?
Not what am I doing,
For I know very well that I'm
Contracting and relaxing my diaphragm
And doing what I call
Not where am I going,
Because I know that I'm trying
To get through school to do well
In a high paying and enjoyable job,
To live happily with a man by my side.
Not how should I live,
As I'm not quite sure you can call this living
And when people tell me I'm doing it
I say it right back and just keep on
Not why am I here,
Because I've asked a thousand times
But nobody seems all that willing to answer.
Regardless whether there's someone there or not,
There's certainly no answers being spoken so
Either I'm doing it right or it
Just doesn't matter.
So, what else is there?
What else is there to ask,
Because I've come and gone,
And this is all I've seen.
What else isn't there
When this is all I've got?
Sometimes I feel that you
Don't quite understand the
Of the situation
I don't know why you feel that
Would resolve any suffering
As weight increases exponentially
And you accelerate towards a
Moments before I collapse
Without you by my side
I hope you're happy.
I hope that you're always fighting to be happy.
I hope that every time you fall,
you recover, and you quickly discover that it's
I hope you smile then you frown.
that when you're climbing, you forget not to look down
I hope you have plenty of food to eat
And people to greet.
but I hope it cuts you deep,
when you lay down that night, alone, to sleep.
I hope to know one day,
that you walk through rooms of people
and you don't know what to say.
I hope that I am the wrinkles in the bedsheets and
the gentle morning rain.
I hope you remember their pain.
for we will not be forgotten with a shrug,
even when you say it's not but dust,
swept under the rug.
I hope you lead a busy life.
one of hope and constant strife.
I don't want you to bleed,
I just want you to know need.
I hope that you work hard to gather what you've got
but what you're searching for stays
forever in your blind spot.
I want to know that you have wept.
that for weeks you haven't slept.
I want you to see other people full of glee
yet you can't understand why they don't lend a hand.
I know you love, and that you lie.
but I hope that you learn what it is to see a loved one die.
I was going to walk with you,
talk with you.
I was going to go with you to your car
then part ways and catch the bus.
but then you uttered those words,
all the fires of the burning hells
surrounded my heart and I could not
get away fast enough.
so I ran, tripping over limbs,
down that hall.
I needed to scream so I burst through the double doors,
and someone was there.
so I waited.
I walked to the bus stop
and there was a couple other people there
going the same direction I planned to go.
so I waited.
I got on the bus and rode it to work, and there,
after work I walked to the diner
which I had to visit as I hadn't been able to
anything all day.
and I waited.
I then walked back to the bus stop
to catch the next box that could take me home.
so I sat in the cold,
and I waited.
I walked home, alone in the rain,
and I waited.
I walked up the stairs to my room,
and I waited.
I sat on my bed,
and I waited.
the rain dripped slowly from my face to the floor,
it was then that I realized that I was filthy.
so I went to get a bath
but the bath too was in need of scrubbing.
so I scrubbed it,
and I waited.
it was then that you told me
that it was because I didn't trust you.
suddenly, I didn't need to scream all that much anymore.
so I turned on the tap.
and I waited.