The physical act of putting pen to paper
is something that I try to avoid.
It makes my wrist hurt and
I collect a fine coating of graphite on my hand and
I'm bound to mess up at least once
And the eraser leaves those smudges
That make the perfectionist in me shriek with displeasure.
It's not until I force myself,
journal in hand,
To sit down and move the thoughts out of my head
That I remember why I love writing.
It takes this jumbled mess of
And turns them into something.
It turns me into something.
And it's worth all the
and mistakes in the world.
I remember when we were children
And they told us
You can do anything!
And the kids would speak of
and for me,
I remember when they told me to follow my dreams
And the world seemed limitless
They say that coming down to "reality"
is a part of growing up
Did we grow up and out of our dreams,
or did they force their "reality" onto us?
Sometimes it feels like
I'm on vacation and soon
I'll wake up at home.
Yes, I still crave dad's
approval. Maybe I'll strip
my way through college.
How dare you.
You are full of lies.
Pretending that you love her because it's
And people have
It's insulting that you could possibly think you are fooling anybody.
Anyone could see through the cheap candy and drugstore card.
You're only pretending.
Sometimes, when it feels like I am drowning in my problems,
I wish I was five again.
So I could just hug my teddy bear and all of my problems would disappear.
He frightens me.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt true fear but
He really scares me.
Not him as an individual of course,
In a one-on-one battle of wits or physicality
I would come out on top.
I have the resources.
But I see how he rallies the others,
and that poses a threat to my control.
I like control.
Even more than that though
I crave it, need it.
I must have control over this hospital.
Most people have control over their own lives,
It keeps them sane.
It was taken from me long ago.
His name was Paul.
My mom brought him home one night,
calling him my “new daddy”.
I was only eight years old,
Not old enough to know this was more of her crap.
I just trusted.
I figured it out
Soon after he started hitting me.
He wasn’t any sort of father,
But he had just as much control over me.
After that I just remember
an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
more men came and went,
None of it mattered.
My life was no longer my own.
I would never control it again.
When I turned eighteen,
The best part of my life began.
I joined the army.
It changed everything.
I did not regain control of my life.
But I learned a way to cope.
To ease the helplessness.
I learned to take control
It was enough
to at least keep me sane
for the remainder of my life.
And then I ended up here.
At this hospital.
An easy way of life,
Controlling the weak.
Society has already worn them down
I just need to keep them that way.
It keeps me as happy as I can ever be.
I won’t let him ruin it.
He will not take away
My last little bit of sanity.
I will have
Normally I'd hate to use cliches
But for you, I have to make an exception
Because you take my breath away.
There, I've said it.
I'll admit it's corny.
Nevertheless, it's all too true.
It's that heart skips a beat,
I can't think straight when you're around,
I want to spend every moment with you kind of love.
You make me experience a whole bundle of cliches,
And it gives them real meaning.
He calls me a bitch.
Gotta love being at home.
It's where the heart is.
You managed to piss me the fuck off.
That's very hard to do.
Someone should give you a medal.
It's been so long since I was broken
I had nearly forgotten what being a useless piece of shit feels like.
Thanks for the reminder.
I'm in sync with you,
and you don't even recognize it.
Your foot taps out a rhythm on the floor,
little do you know there's a matching song in my head.
The smile etched on your face
is echoed on my lips.
Meeting you breath for breath,
inhale and exhale in time to yours.
Unconsciously, you form a connection with me
Your only tool being natural instinct.
I already feel you so close to me,
But when you say those words it makes it that much more real.
I know that you feel me too.
The shadow hangs behind me
Stalks me, skulks around me in the brilliant sunlight.
Not even attempting to hide from me.
It's always hanging around, pressed to the sidewalk.
I become accustomed to its constant presence,
Forgetting that it still lingers at my feet.
But when it makes itself known to me again,
The knowledge that he is always there,
Fills me with dread.
I've learned to think you're not real.
It makes the situation easier,
It takes the edge off the pain.
Everything is clear cut
When the person who hurt you is a character.
When you created them only for a good story
That replays in your imagination.
But when they speak your name,
It occurs to me that you exist.
A person who walks these halls,
Just as I do.
A person capable of hurt and love.
And when the story is real,
My thoughts are that much more scattered.
One year, two, three
All of it blurs together.
My whole childhood,
gone in the blink of an eye.
Washed away with the waves of Huron.
In this moment,
the last of an era,
I want to stay.
I want to gather it,
pieces and fragments of seventeen years,
Into a blanket, surrounding me.
Close to me, within reach,
So it can't escape me.
Like if I wade in this deep blue,
Further and further,
I won't grow up.
The time has come,
To face my past.
The people I shared my life with,
are no more than faces.
Places that used to be my home,
are now unknown to me.
This life is a thing I don't recognize,
Have they changed, or have I?
What does it feel like
to be abandoned by hope?
A hole in your heart.
All the nights of my life
Blend together to form one time.
The same routine,
Until you came along.
Then everything was different.
Each night was special, unique.
The stars smiled at me from my window,
The night sky blessed me with thoughts of you.
Even the moon put on its best dress
Until you left.
It all evaporated.
The nights mashed back together
Into one sloppy portrait
With so many missing pieces.
I went to that place today.
You know the one.
The one we went to together in the midst of a freezing winter
For some hot food and seclusion from the rest of our world.
The one with the school across the street
That we snuck into in the fleeting night
To climb the castle and have our first kiss at the very top.
I went to that place today.
The one filled with you.
Could you just jump back into my life?
The easy conversation, laughter, smiles
Dry up when you're gone.
My world is dim when you're not there.