When I finally get to call you mine

It will be like the first breath after a coma

It will mean life for me

Until that moment

When I get to call you mine

I will be holding my breath in a deep sleep

Where I can only dream of you

That first breath after a coma,

Will give me life

And when I finally call you mine

I will be sorry that I wasted so much time

But forgive me

Because I’m lost

I’m lost in the dark

I’m lost in my mind

I am out of my mind because of you

Now I’m lost

But I’m coming to you

I can feel it. I have too

You will light up the darkness

I will see you with my own eyes

For the first time I will see into you and feel with my own heart

I will move my steady hand towards you

And I will touch you and hold you

And I will say I love you

With my first breath

Remember in the car a few days ago,
When you asked me how I got over you those few years ago?
Well, it’s hard to remember that far back.
In fact I can’t recall the year, the month, the day, the hour it was, when I got over you.

I can, however, remember when I met you.
Back in Middle School, when you were the only girl I enjoyed talking to.
Back when we were young, shy, and foolish.

I can remember way back in High School.
When you were the only girl I enjoyed spending my time with.
When we went to prom together.
When we got a little older, a little less shy, and a little more mature.

I can remember the first year of college.
When I thought I would see you even more than before.
When we were excited about the future,
Now that we were finally getting older.

But I didn’t see you more than before.
I saw you less.

Now I can remember back in middle school
When I was too young, too shy, and too foolish to ask you out.

I can remember back in High School
When I was burning bridges from relationships that didn’t mean anything.
I didn’t need more friends, I had you.

I can remember leaving for college.
When I thought I would see you more than before.
But I didn’t. I saw you less.

So when did I get over you?
I can’t remember. Maybe I forgot because of my old age.

I wonder what this next year of college will be like.
Does turning twenty really make you older?
Maybe I will finally get to see you more than before?

You asked a curious question, when did I get over you?
Well when did you get over me?

By the way, I am still young, shy and foolish.

Within the hour I’m twisted.
A different person.
New insights, new light,
A new world.
Wandering around familiar places
With a new sense of feeling.

The weeds that have taken over my yard
Are now connected to me.
My yard is the outcast in neighborhood.
Unclean, unkempt, unwanted.
But now I can see,
That my yard is me, personified.
These weeds are mine.
They sprouted and spread because of me.

As I walk through them
They no longer disgust,
But cling to me.
I take root near them.
I feel I have always been here.

The willow tree gives me shade from the stars and the moon.
Its hanging branches cover me with open arms.
Its leaves, just upside down weeds;
Reaching out to me,
Melting me in…

The air is humid.
The wind blows heat.
And now the ground turns soft.
My yard has become a marsh.
My own swamp.
I am unafraid,
But left wanting.

What have I turned into?
A new being
In a different world,
But all alone.
Has it always been this way?
Will it ever change?

This scene is forever marked on me.
A memory that can never be left
Or forgotten.
A portal on my skin.
Now I can always return to my marsh,
My swamp,
My kingdom.
Maybe I can take you there and never be alone?

We share this theater together
And watch the act patiently.
We applaud those who perform well,
And even louder and harder for those who only had the courage to try.
We watch the dancers on the stage,
Our youth on stage,
Ourselves on stage.

It is beautiful.
It is raw.
It is real.
It is not perfect and some will fall,
But we all feel together.
We lift each other up.
It is love.

We are all together
On the stage as actors,
As graceful dancers,
And brilliant musicians
Performing as one.

We are all connected
In the audience as proud parents,
As loving relatives,
And respectful friends,
Cheering as one.

It is not perfect.
It is life,
Raw and real.
Some will fall,
But we all feel together
And we’ll lift each other up
As one.
For ourselves,
And for each other.

Where did my love go?
Where is the friend that I always knew?
This dream is void of meaning.
This song is without lyrics.
This heaven is lonely.

I wish you were here

I’ve already forgotten the way your skin felt.
The curves your body made…
The slight raise of your smile…
I’ve forgotten the way your hair smelled.
The way your eyes locked onto mine.
The softness of your lips…
I’ve already forgotten those sweet words you said.
How they made me feel.
Such a beautiful image of us framed for one night
Only to be forgotten the next day.
I wish you were here,
Here where I am…
Trying desperately to remember the night
When we were together.

My friend who is always away;
My brother, tell me who is my mother?
Where was father when I was born?
Do we really have sisters?
Or are we all just alone together?
Absence has played a large presence in my life…
Where did everyone go?
Our youth was torn from us,
But at least we kept our lives...
Some of us weren’t so lucky.
I wish you were here,
Here where I am…
Trying desperately to remember the past
When we were all together.

Where did my love go?
Where is the friend that I always knew?
This world is void of meaning.
This symphony is without lyrics.
This paradise is lonely.

I wish you were here

Come back to me.
Tell me your life is hard.
Lie with me,
But tell me no.
Ask me to love you,
And see my quiet indecision.

You’re torn,
Your body from your mind.
Tell me yes,
Then tell me no.
Tell me to go,
And see my quiet indecision.

This has gone too far,
But yet you still lie.
You need to leave,
But yet you still lie.
Lie with me; lie to me,
And see my quiet indecision.

Don’t you know you’re falling?
Can’t you see it gets worse?
This grave I’ve dug
will be the end of us.

Don’t you know you’re falling down?

You signed your death
sending me away.
You’re falling,
there’s nothing left for you to hold on to.

I don’t understand
why my heart falls with you.
There’s nothing left for me to hold on to,
except for the past.

Don’t you know you’re falling down?

Before I bury you
with new souls,
I want you to know
That it’s me, not you, who will be missed.

You’re dead to me.

Give

Come back…
It’s not fair to them.
They need what I can’t give.
Why’d you have to leave?


Gone

Life is empty.
We are lost now.
The children…
And you are gone.


Ghost

Are you here now?
Can you see?
See what you’ve left behind.
It’s hard to imagine
You’re gone.

Feeling numb
Hollowed out
Tired of not knowing
Who I am
These past couple of days
I have been in a bubble
I have friends to talk to
I go places
I see beauty
Just that I don’t feel
I’m tired of myself

I went back home last weekend.
It wasn’t the same.
All my friends were gone.
It was better to just leave the memories
And move on.
I think I needed that moment,
To realize there’s nothing left there.

Nothing left?

Except my favorite memories.
Everyone who made them with me
Is not going to be there later in life though.
I want a new place.

I need a new environment
New people, new ideas, new trees
New stars, everything
Just want to be at a place to start creating
I can start right now
Or tomorrow

It’s all bittersweet
Makes you want to cry a little and smile.

You are the last of your kind.
So sweet and tender,
Don’t run away.
Stay.

You’re magnificent.
A wonder of nature.
Majestic.
A beautiful aesthetic.

This ship has left corpses
Trailing in its wake.
Floating bones and carcass.
The machine is heartless.

It comes nearer.
The sound of its low groan
Makes waves
That can be felt through the chains of the slaves.

You will be shot.
You will bleed.
Your body will be disrespected
And our conscience neglected.

I will hold your memory
After you are gone.
The ship will be blind
For you are the last of your kind.

Within in me there is a...

Dark,

Empty…    void.

Empty except for the whispers that haunt my thoughts.
They tickle my neck and shake my bones,
Make my deepest dreams come true.
Except for the dreams are nightmares.

These whispers say, “You do not belong.”
They tell me things I know are wrong.
These thoughts...
Make it difficult to...

To make the right choice.

The choice that is “normal.”

Sometimes they aren’t whispers though.

They scream,
“Do it!”
“This is who you are!”
But always I know
Not to listen.


Or else I wouldn’t fit in.
Or else I’d be just another crazy.


Or killer.

The streets are empty tonight.

This city has been deserted.

The walk back is lonesome…

I let my mind wander. Walking methodically and without purpose. As if my soul’s been stolen away.
The coffins around me were once the embodiment of what man strove for.
To be larger than life. To be secure. To be structured.
Now the buildings and skyscrapers personify man in a different light.
Cold. Lifeless. Empty.
The grey walls kill you slowly.

The frigid air reflects the mood of the buildings.
And as the wind blows, the mood is passed into me.
I shudder from the thought of being so hollow.

There is a man near the corner of the road.
He is lying on the concrete.
Hundreds of flies and nats hover over his body.
The stench is putrid.
I shuffle around him and try not to breathe his diseased air.
He moans.
Rises slowly.

The dead coming back to life.

“food”
Is all he says.

I stare into his eyes.
I see only myself.
I’m not surprised.

I lie back down on the concrete.
Feel my stomach curse me.
And wonder,
What happened to me?

Shred these clothes that stain my memory.
The moment forever engraved in them.
The thought of being that person again,
Wearing that night on my shoulders,
Is too much to bear.

The smell of sweat and lust,
The betrayal of a friendship,
The blood from the broken heart,
Are in every stitch of the clothes
And weave through my mind now.

It’s not enough
To only change the costume.
The actor is still playing the role.
In order to change the person I’ve become
I must shred the skin.

On the way to the mental hospital everything looks exactly the way you’d think…
Think… thick… trees.
The trees are all eerie, the sky is grey, and the air around is stale…
Stale…stall… small. Small!
The rooms are overtly large and colored so… beige… benign? Why yes, the staff is nice.
I’m visiting my sister here for she is not so nice.
Killed her dog and her… our, mother in the most absurd way.
Who would have thought something so.. ordinary... as a pen could be so deadly?

Pens are such discrete weapons.
Hiding in the open; much like she was.
Only after the blood dried could they read the story she... poked... into our mother.
And the holes they can make!
All of those...dot, dot, dots...
So punctual...
my sister is right on time; as usual.

I can see her now.
She seems so sad.
Sorta slightly somber she is.
I tell her I can’t keep coming back here to see her.
She starts to weep. Whelp. Well…
I tell her how well I’m doing and how she is missing out out there in real life.
But to no avail. My words do not reach her. She must be off her meds again...
Silly sister! What good are you without your meds?

Well it's time to go.  Bye little sis, here come the men now.

What's this? You’ve got the wrong guy! She’s the crazy one, not I!
Not I, no! I know not I! No. No.... I do know.
Oops! I forgot. I played the wrong role. Goodbye little sister of mine, see ya next time!

I will never forget
That first hot summer day
The day when we first met
I was nervous of course
My first best friend
How was I supposed to know?

The days shot by that summer
We were so young
Running up and down the stairs
Playing in the woods
Innocence and imagination at its best
I wish things had never changed

That day in the woods
After playing with swords and magic
You asked me if I wanted some hard candy
I said thanks but no and you ate yours anyway
We were alone in the middle of the woods
In our fort made of sticks

The sudden jerk of your throat scared me
I watched as you gasped for breath
Your eyes were bulging in fear that mirrored mine
We were both so confused
You started flailing your arms around your neck
Then towards me

I couldn’t do anything
I couldn’t do anything but scream
You tried to speak but nothing came out except a gurgle
You started to throw up but nothing came out
I watched your eyes roll back
You fell to your knees
And then you were gone

I sat helpless near you
I cried and begged you to come back
Your face was frozen in pain and sadness
I had to make the journey home alone
I could barely tell your mother what happened
Her tears flood my memory each day

Who knows what it would be like now
If you were still here
What if I had eaten the candy,
That was too sweet for you to resist?
I can’t change what happened
And God knows that I don’t love Him.

What is a home,
if you’re not happy in it?
Sometimes you can’t change what you’ve got.
I know we’re young,
but sometimes
you’ve just gotta change where you’re at.

What is a family,
if everyone is fighting?
Most times people won’t change.
I know we’re young,
but sometimes
you can’t let things stay the same.

What is a friend,
if he’s not there for you?
Sometimes they just don’t show.
I know we’re young,
but sometimes
you have to let them go.

In the middle of the night
I see your face
In the middle of a dream
I see your face
Your face so young, pure, and sincere
Your face so mangled, bloody, and lost

In the middle of the night
I scream your name
In the middle of a dream
I scream your name
Your name is horror, fear, and plague
Your name is death, grotesque, and gore

I have no rest after I saw your face
There is no sleep to those who know your name
Death of innocence at such a young age
Witnessed by innocence at such a young age

Innocence out in the water
Take me back to that day
To see the world as I did
Mysterious, pure, safe
Before it was lost in time
Now confined to memory
Fading fast

Innocence lost in the water
The tide of time pulls you out
Struggle to go back to youth
But the years weigh you down
You can’t go back, time presses on
Death waits in the open
You can’t swim forever

Innocence died in the water
Drowned by time and responsibility
Age is a sinking stone we’re all forced to hold
Everyone goes under eventually.