Daisy (12:57 AM): Please please please...
Daisy (1:02 AM): I was laying down earlier, and without asking me any sort of permission, the image of Nathan with some other girl in his arms, in his room, laughing smiling, the whole idea came vividly to mind, and it crushed. It felt like someone stood on my chest and stomped. My computer was making aim noises and I didn't want to talk to anyone, I got up anyway. Now it's later, and I've shoved the thought from my mind. Now I'm alone, everyone's gone to sleep, my hair is clean, I'm alone. Damien Rice's voice pours out my speaker and my eyes overflow. I guess once I finally thought I was really really over him, it had to come back and hit me in the face. I'm so sick of sounding so stupid. It doesn't even make sense,
Daisy (1:03 AM): I shouldn't be tied to him after everything. My soul is crushed.
Daisy (1:06 AM): Sobs reach up my throat and sneak out of my mouth, filling the air, thick with sorrow, like fog. Like cigarette smoke, like smog, from thousands of cars. Why is it that i have to suffer like this for one who left me so abruptly. "I still think about you every day that passes." He said to me, and i probably believed it. He doesn't know, and thinks everything I say is some stupid dream, he answers me skeptically and full of scorn. I could scream, with my back arched in pain. Let all I ever had to say come out of me in one fluid motion.
Daisy (1:11 AM): These are answers I'll never get. Learn to live like your very own bone marrow has been stripped from you. Week and empty.
I haven't written anything
In at least a month
I've dreampt about kissing
atleast three boys
Tomorrow; I'm seeing the angel of choas.
I will be brought back down.
To the boy who works at the corner store;
With your lush deep, dark skin.
You made my day; flirting with me.
It's silly; I know.
I was having a crappy day.
You look like a fucking rockstar.
Orange hair all over the place.
Holding your face like a glass of wine.
Your lips, pierced in their perfection, snakebites.
I'll go crazy.
Your smile, sharp and perfect.
The way you walk with your fingers curled around a cigarette
Seeign those lips blow smoke
So sure of yourself
In your huge dark sunglasses
I don't really know what is, what never was, and what isn't.
Today you told my best friend she's beautiful and always have been.
Why did you always love everyone else more?
Was it because I gave you what you wanted?
I truly loved you?
Now you talk like it never was real.
Like a whole amazing year was just in my head.
All my fault.
So what now?
I wish you'd tell me what was real.
I wish I knew if you ever loved me,
If you ever thought I was beautiful.
Or if you're just that good at lying through your teeth.
I keep writing about people who don't know me.
Boys who would never talk to me, not even for the world.
Maybe its' some subconscious coping or something psychological
that I can't control.
Maybe I can and I'm just a creep.
Uhm, yea. 'Cause I rock your socks off like that.
Freakin' let the monkey out of the bottle.
Stupid lil' onion red pepper nacho' makin' sock eater.
Tell him it;s from yours truly and
I'll eat your heart out.
Too close to sixteenth and my thought wandered.
Through my mind and down my cheeks in the form of salt water.
So I wrap my lips around, and suck the smoke into my lungs.
Breathe it out and watch it rise, beautiful and smooth.
Caught up in your trip wires, catching my ankles, I fall at your feet.
As I'm dazed and dizzy, you brand my broken heart with the harsh
letters of your name, deep like broken promises, hot like passionate
cutting large holes is everything I do.
Talking to you; is like...
being thrown in a room with everything that scares you
being tossed into water with your limbs tied
I can't believe what happened.
I'm trying so hard to let you go;
to let the scars fade.
It's not even scarred over yet,
these open wounds still bleed while I sleep.
You seem utterly the same;
I realized something today.
The little boy I fell in love with;
full of emotions and thoughts,
laughter and a heartbeat...
I'll slice holes in my chest.
Cry to myself.
Say goodbye to my hopeless dream.
You're lifting me up to the stars.
we're sitting cross-lagged on the moon.
Drinking coffee in the clouds.
Your eyes are as deep as ever;
I'm tripping over your laughter;
Ringing inside me;
Falling into your eyes.
I'm trailing off mid-sentence,
"cause you're smiling and I can't get past it.
Never thought I'd stop being broken;
Like a bone taken under a train.
Something about the way you talk.
The way you don't talk.
Makes me stop.
Just to mess up your hair.
And stop the world for a second.
Skip over the reality.
Just for a minute.
The jeans I never threw out.
Even though you told me to.
They meant too much.
No matter how much I say I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I'll never hate you, and it hurts to know
you don't need me, don't even want me.
You don't love me.
My insides are like broken glass.
I'm shoving the whole world away,
for fear there's no such thing as happiness.
Sporting the most fake smile I can bear to.
I'm afraid to take a chance.
You made my earth quake.
I don't know if I could do this again.
I don't know if I could live through someone using me so calmly.
So sweetly destroying me.
Every time I see your face; I cry.
So pathetically I fall.
I can't even write your name.
It's like you just...
You were a perfect dream,
Corrupted in the middle, blossoming,
Into the most painful nightmare.
It's hard to work through all this doubt.
All this pain.
It's hard not to run to you.
It's hard but but not impossible.
I know you don't care...
About your stupid ex-girlfriend.
She was so stupid.
She was so easy.
I'll stay away;
I can't look at you.
I didn't learn anything from you.
Just to be afraid and not to trust.
I want so badly to tell my Bunnie how dreadfully afraid I am;
but I don't think I want him seeing that part of me.
Waiting for the scars.
This is going to take some time.
Today we laughed at coughing people.
Today we shined lasers at people and confused small children.
Today we drew cartoons.
Today we got stalked by your Brother and his best friend.
Today we walked home.
Today you hugged me and you didn't let go.
Today was a good day.
I hate it when all I want to do is die;
And all I get is sleep.
And not even that lasts.
I think about all the people who have ever
looked at me like
or called me stupid,
And get caught up in hopeless anger.
Constantly preoccupied with the missing loss
of that boy I love.
Finally questioning my own two consoling words
No one sees me backing away.
No one sees me chipping away at myself.
No one notices the girl smoking in the trees.
My pathetic begging for you; for someone to cling to.
begging for help.
No one notices how bad it is.
How bad it's getting...
I'm unknowingly destroying myself.
Because no one sees through me.
An amazing actress.
What do you see when you look into my eyes?
Fighting for my life.
What do you think while I'm alone and missing your words?
Can you feel these questions come to my mind?
Do you hear me wondering if you've left me behind,
like so much else? Do the sounds of my relentless crying at night
register in your mind? How badly I need you...
The real you; the one who cares.
Do you know?
Or will I simply continue to wonder alone and unanswered?
This time of night again.
Not really late; not really early.
there's no one around me, just music from soulless speaker.
I wish someone was here to hold my hand; let me cry.
I feel scattered and alone tonight.
I look in the mirror, see myself reflected. Eyelashes wet.
From tears no one heard, from sobs no one heard.
I wonder why I'm going downhill again.
All the words you said; stuck here in my head.
This feeling makes me wish i was dead.
I'll write for for you and if no one likes it;
I'll write for myself.
Anger inside me strong enough to make me scream
and tear apart my world. The screams welling up inside me
are barely under wraps. What was my mistake?
Why is this torturing me so?
It's not that I wouldn't.
It's not that I don't want to.
It's that I CAN'T.
"Yeah, THAT, keep it there."
"Do you wash your hair with poop?"
It's amazing how long I spend staring out this window.
looking past the water; past Everett.
Thinking about driving through and past the mountains;
And taking him with me.
Thinking about everything I told him last night, yesterday.
Thinking about sleeping inside the jacket that is neither his nor mine.
I washed it, but it probably reeks of; flowers, cherries, peppermint
I wish I could sit on this windowsill and stare for hours.
**Written about the extremely large windows of the A-building
at the ever classy ghetto-fabulous Everett High School. Third floor.
You took my heart;
Tricked me into believing the body of lies that you are,
And ripped it into pieces, slowly, tearing me apart
Until I was just short of nothing.
You watched me finally fall to my knees and
beg and cry and scream. Stop this pain!
You stood there and smiled; said "I love you."
And what was left of me died. You killed me.
I realized, I could hurt you just as bad. Worse.
I waited for you to fall for the fake me.
You attempt guilt trips.
You tried so hard ti make this hurt me.
You tried to break me right back.
You can't break what you've already destroyed.
What isn't there.