you called me sunshine when I felt like rain.
You erased my worries and made a strange world feel like home.
You asked the things I could never ask myself.
Little did I know, you were the one who needed me to do the same for you.
But I was broken and blind.
I couldn't see your pain through your big smile.
You needed something but you never asked.
Maybe your confidence was just a show to hide your reality.
We both know lying was not new to you.
You told lies almost as much as you laughed, that means all the time.
I tried to offer you the world but you let drugs get the best of you.
You were tumbling down without a clue.
Your darkness left everyone you knew alone, covered in dust.
I hate to say, you dragged me down with you.
You abandoned me time and time again
But for some reason I still loved you even though I never said it.
And the one time I did, the look in your eyes killed me.
And I'm sorry I always doubted you
But you must know I doubted everyone.
I'm sorry I told you good bye.
I miss you every day.
Don't think I abandoned you. I make sure to watch over you.
I think of ways that I could maybe see your face again.
But never do I attempt my plan, because I'm drowning in fear.
And I try to convince myself you don't need me and you don't want me.
But the way you light up when you see me makes me think maybe just maybe you do like having me around.
But then again
you always were a good liar.
This all leads to where we are today.
I'm in the arms of my lover.
His warm embrace and gentle kisses.
He fills me up with sweet honey and sprinkles glitter in my eyes.
I laughed today.
I heard you laughed too.
You laughed the lies you've been telling since your mother left you in the dirt.
You hold a different girl everyday.
You say you love but if that is true,
Why can I only see your burning desires?
You kiss the girls necks and move to their lips.
At the end of the day, she'll be gone
and you'll be passed out on the bedroom floor.
You're a mess.
A sweet sweet mess.
Oh darling, I'm sorry.
I'm watching over you, but I must move on.
I can't help you today.
Not until you help yourself.
You laid in a ditch.
Blood splattered on your body.
It collected in a puddle beneath you,
soaked into the dirt,
turning the ground crimson red.
No one could see this scene.
A truck was pressed upon your body,
crushing every bone,
pressing organs through your skin.
You died instantly.
on the other hand,
did not have that luxury
when I died.
The shock stole my breath.
My body shook.
Deep raspy breaths attempted to slide past the barriers in my throat.
My legs collapsed beneath me.
The wretched tentacles of the ceramic tile floor entangled me in their grasp.
I was stuck.
All I could do was sense:
the smell of burning dinner for three,
the taste of bile on my tongue,
the cold tile against my cheek,
the kick of the child within me,
the overwhelming feelings of dread and loneliness
that seeped through my skin and penetrated my internal organs
until I, too, died.
I remember all too clearly the day we died.
We died together.
on the kitchen floor.
on the right side of the road.
The world flew past me.
I stood next to a wooden box,
no one could see the chunks of you that still existed.
The collectors missed a piece.
It was in my heart.
No one saw that piece though,
because my heart was as tightly sealed as the other box that held you.
hundreds of hands touched me.
They patted my back,
embraced my body,
gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
I don't recall whom the hands belonged to,
but they all held an emotion,
I seemed to have forgotten that feeling.
I forgot every word spoken,
the people that came,
even what I wore that day.
The only memory left from that day is embedded into
It holds the secrets of that night
and many nights that followed.
That night I rolled over to feel
your heart beat,
your soft skin.
All I found
was cold, starchy sheets,
and a puddle of salt water on my pillow that accumulated through the night.
It was a nightmare stuck on replay.
The only problem is,
I never woke up.
We were supposed to have a baby together.
You always wanted a girl.
You wanted to love her.
You were going to be a good father,
That is why I love you.
All you knew of her was the gentle kick.
All she knew of you was your voice.
You never saw those eyes:
identical to yours,
penetrates the soul,
causes the heart to weep in love.
You never felt her fingers wrap against yours.
Her soft innocent skin
would be a breathtaking contrast
to your wised calloused skin.
The beauty would only be seen in the early morning hours.
You would hold her against your bare chest as she cried.
You would erase her fears
and she would fall asleep in
your caressing love.
I would lean against the door frame,
holding a cup of coffee
I would marvel
at how the newborn light would dance across their skin.
Your face would look toward me.
Our eyes would meet.
You would give me that look that I could describe for years.
The look that some people call love,
but too me,
it was always so much more than that.
much more than that.
It is in your eyes,
but those eyes faded...
I find myself looking into a new pair of eyes,
they are the same.
to the sterilized white walls,
the smell of chemicals,
and the coughs and beeps that echo through the hallway.
All I see is those beautiful eyes.
She will be so much like you.
You'll never met face to face,
but your souls are old chums.
I came to a realization at that moment.
I am alive.
She is alive.
You are alive.
I live in you,
you lives in her,
and she lives in us.
She was no longer a baby,
star of my life.
That night I went to bed.
No tears stained that pillow,
because I had you by my side
and she lay in the crib beside us.
You were a great father,
You taught our daughter so much.
You are the reason
she is a beautiful young woman today.
You held her in your arms
as a child.
You wiped away her tears
when the boys were means.
You never let her
give up her dreams
You walked her down the aisle
to a man that you knew was good for her.
She never knew you
but you did it all for her.
You just did it through me.
You held my hand
You kissed my cheek
and there was never a night without you by my side.
You gave me strength
when I only wanted to cry,
and you always told me,
“You are a great mother,
That is why I love you.”
You’re so blind.
You swear the world is black and white,
But I know the truth.
There is only one color, and that is grey.
It’s splattered on the walls and it makes the grass grow.
The grey man and his grey wife make grey babies and they live their grey life.
Today or tomorrow, it doesn’t matter. It’s all grey.
You’re so blind.
You swear the world is a million colors,
But I know the truth
There is only one color, and that is grey.
It is sprayed in the clouds, making you blind...
I’ve been searching for answers
While you’ve been ignoring them
I’ve been wishing on stars
While you close your eyes