I like to watch Letterman.
Not that damn Leno jackass.
And so what if I have a gin and tonic?
I'm 67 for Christsakes.
So what if I have a cigarette?
It's my goddamn house.
So what if I fell asleep in my chair?
So what?

One, two
Ben is coming for you.
Three, four
run for the door.
Five, six
This is what happens when you call someone who is mentally unstable a faggot and a freak enough times and nobody does anything about it.

I get off how I get off.
Who cares?

Obviously my wife, since she was so ASHAMED
at finding me suffocated by by own belt on the bedpost with my dick in my hand
that way.

If  had a nickel for every kid in this neighborhood who got shot on accident

I'd have a pile of dead kids.

It does not make my death less tragic
although it does add me to a pile of bodies
whose faces are all starting to look the same.

I'm the worst at flying.
Sure am good at screaming, though.

I know, I know.
"She doesn't sound crazy."
but believe me
the crazy person
when I say

we never do.

I know you are an explosion of chemicals,
heart races,
marvels,
sweat, spit, teeth, lips.

You are momentary

but so am I.

I tried to stop you
like a baby deer tries to stop a freight train
so

I am grinning blood and guts at 70 miles per hour.

But it happened so fast

I still think I'm all here.

I granted you the ability to know me better
so I could look into you like you were a mirror

We always want people to tell us the truth
unless it's about us.

I declared from a soap box in my room under covers
that I would start holding people accountable for their actions

but the mumbled clause was only if they'll still love me afterwards.

"Get some new friends"
And I didn't listen.

So now I'm stuck inside of this old love
burning alive
because I didn't jump.

Pure love
and hate
as weapons.

Reminiscing of the wife that drowned in the oven.

Experimentation on ourselves is our only identity.

So she cut herself open and pinned back the folds
to go over the formaldehyde
with her eyes closed
and made herself a body without organs.

And when she choked

she dreamt of being on a plane.

Are you a master?
Are you a mess?
Are you a lover?
Are you a test?
Are you a past?
Are you impressed?

Did you get your wish?

I felt nothing when you kissed me.

Only your paper lips
moist with words you said to get me here.

But it's just the words I want
and all the rest feels like chalkboard dust on my hands.

I remember what this excitement was
like the memory of grabbing a sparkler that just went out.

Some days we are passive,
but nighttime must be filled with kinetic terror.

Given or gotten,
like a rash.

It is how we sleep
or don't.

We are learning to make fire.

It's always the moment just before the gunshot.

Why do I remember it as summer all the time, then?

They gaze at me and see a chainsaw murder just before it happened.
You think I'm not a goddess?
Try me.
This is a torch song.
Touch me and you'll burn.

It looked as perfect as a watch,
but twice as lively.
Just as little
with little hands.

The way it smiled was gorgeous
and made me understand why my mother called me that.

Something to fight for
Something to live for
Something to die for.

It had begun to take on a slow
aching, mile-long, groan --
one with a backup battery.

A kind of hysteria set inside of her and gave her venom.

She would destroy him
and everything in him
one way or another.

I am window shopping missing you
clenching my teeth for something I can't afford
that could live without me anyway.

I'm sorry everything I did was just sweet way to make you leave,
surfing on waves made of maybe I'll kiss you again
getting high off disappointment without knowing that's really how all those movies end.
And all you wanted was my heart on a plate
and baby, maybe I said no,
but I'm still bleedin' from the hole.

And I backtrack all the slanders for the moments you got me to believe in you.

I may have made up a lot of dumb excuses
but they were exclusively to your benefit.

and I remembered the line in your shoulder
and the wine I had out of a water bottle last night
and how everyone around me was on acid
and how I was 22 and if I got cancer this early
at least I didn't know about it yet.

and I wasn't scared
and I wasn't scared
and I practiced what it felt like so I could remind myself later.

I'd like the skin of my teeth to bleed from straining, thank you.

My jaw lies broken open from the punches
and if I'd have been tied to a chair,
it would have been more fun.

All your dreams were screaming kids in a car wreck on fire.
So, cock the fucking gun already.

I'm a flying high dive broken vertebrae disaster
go ahead and try to take my marrow out.

I made my bed I'll lie in it.
I made my bed I'll die in it.

I paused the movie to hear the couple fighting outside.
She said "You haven't talked to me at all tonight!"
and he said "What?"

But I know what they really meant to say was "I get stupid when I see you and I don't know what to do about it."
Then she slapped him and ran back inside crying.
It was an awkward moment for me in someone else's life.

It made me think about the video on how penguins mate forever.
And about how we're not penguins and how monogamy makes promises like traps
And how the only thing we have in common with penguins
is that we give each other rocks
and that means I love you until the sun explodes.

And how?

How come penguins can get it more right than us?
They can't even fly.

And when I watched this kid clutch his face as he wondered what he did wrong,
I can't help but fucking hate
all the happy penguins for him.

You stupid penguins,
you all look like you're going to a fancy party all the time
you stupid penguins
you run like your pants are down
you stupid penguins
you're gonna have someone to sit on the couch with forever
and you can't even fly!

What happens when you realize your penguin lover is immature
and he overeats the fish
and he's always late to things?

What happens when you realize your she-penguin has really bad penguin depression and you don't know how to deal with it?

What happens when you realize you both met too early and now you're different penguins?

I'll tell you what happens.
They stay together.
You know why?
Because he gave her a ROCK.
That's why.
Because, to penguins
rocks mean more than mortgages
and wanting to go to Hawaii
and step children
and sprinklers
and school districts.
They can keep a marriage alive with some instincts
and a fucking egg to sit on.
PENGUINS
Stay together longer than 50% of any couple you've ever met

And they can't even fly!

But maybe a bird
that knows how to fall in love better than us
doesn't need to know how to do that.